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Ironman Arizona April 2008 - BS, DNF - TriathlonFull Ironman


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Tempe, Arizona
United States
Ironman North America
Total Time = 00m
Overall Rank = /
Age Group =
Age Group Rank = 0/
Pre-race routine:

"Barely Started, Did Not Finish"

I won't get into the usual arriving in tempe, riding the course, meeting bters, experiencing IronMan for the first time, as it doesn't feel appropriate. But the days leading up to IMAZ were exactly what I wanted, and I was just trying to experience every moment.

If you've read my blog you've read this "report" more or less, nothing new, really.

I do want to express how much this site, and its members, mean to me. It's easy to take you all for granted, but when the shit hits the fan, and you people -- who generally have experienced everything there is to experience in tris and know what it's like when a race goes south -- come through with support, love, acceptance, kicks in the ass, and perspective... well, that's when this site really shines. I know that myself and several other IMAZers who needed the right words at the right time got them here. From friends and total strangers. What a great family we have here.

Anyway, long story short, DNFd the swim, by far my strongest leg and the one I had "in the bag." Maybe cosmic karma came my way, got a little too cocky, some hubris in my goody bag. More likely I needed the lesson that nothing in life, tris, etc. is guaranteed, or in the bag.

I started about 3 rows back, about 30 feet from the Ford buoy. Was a fairly clean swim, I've had worse sprints. HR was hovering around 148, a little high, but I could live with it. My thoughts during the swim was "this is going really well." About at ASU I started to feel what I thought was seasick, which was odd, since I don't get seasick. Slowed down and worked on form, figured I'd get thru it. At the far bridge I realized it wasn't that, but something like vertigo, every time I rolled right I could feel it. I stopped to try to shake it off.

DOn't remember if I started swimming or was still stopped, but all of a sudden BAM my face was in the water and I couldn't figure out how to get it out. I was swallowing water, trying to pick my head up, but I couldn't figure out where up was, so getting air was hard, almost impossible. The world was spinning out of control, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. The guy behind me stopped and said "hey are you OK?" since i was clearly thrashing about like a panic attack. I don't know what I said, but looked right and there was a boat, I instinctively raised my hand, and a guard swam out to me.

I told her i was having vertigo and couldn't tell up from down. She stabilized me and brought me to the boat. Let me say I have never had vertigo while swimming. I get alternobaric vertigo on occasion when diving in cold water and a hood when changing depths but it passes in seconds. I also swim in colder water than this at home. The only thing I did differently was tightening my goggles a bit, which I always do for ocean or crowded swims.

At the boat, the other guards were asking "cramps?" cold?" "tired?" nope..... I wish. I was sitting on the swim step, trying to shake it. It wasn't getting much better, but I sat watching hundreds of swimmers pass by. I was resigned to losing my 1:00 goal. Just get thru the swim. I said I was going to give it another shot, they assigned a kayaker to watch me. I jumped in, and tried to swim. Vertigo still there. I breaststroked. Better, but way too slow, I'd never make it. Modified water polo stroke with head out of the water. Got to the turn around buoy, got to the second buoy, and then it hit again big time. I hung onto the kayak again for a while, but I wanted another shot. My swim to then was good and on target, even with the stop on the boat. It was 7:28 and I was past the turn around, heading home. I had nearly 2 hours to go a mile. Should be a piece of cake, that's like 4 times what I need. Tried to clear the vertigo, but now was starting to get nasueous.

I tried again and started my modified stroke again, but started to slowly realize that there was no way I could keep a bike upright safely, affecting me and everyone else, even if I could muscle thru the swim. When the vertigo hit bad again this time, it felt as though someone was pushing my legs up and my face into the water. If you've ever had it, you know the feeling is as real as someone actually doing it. I went back to the kayak, that's when the vomiting and dry heaving started. "Do you want me to call the boat?" I had to say yes. At that point I just wanted the spinning and nausea to stop. I also wanted to say "I am not a bad swimmer, a panicker, a slow swimmer, if I could do anything to make this stop just so I could swim, I would" At that point I felt like I was in survival mode and didn't care about the race. I had tried to go on three times, and each time I felt as if I was drowning.

At the athlete's dinner, PNF was referring to the heat when she said don't leave your brains behind. In getting in the boat I believe I was saving my life. I honestly believe that had I tried to continue the outcome might have been very, very bad. I have done a lot of risky and remote diving with sharks, heavy currents, open water swimming in fairly big surf. I am pretty comfortable in the water. I am not exxagerating when I say I as scared for my life as I've ever been in the water. I don't say that lightly.

When the boat came, I was able to haul myself in, but face planted because as soon as my head went over the vertigo came on. Vomited off the side of the boat. "May I have your chip?" I made a half hearted effor to get it off, but they ended up doing it. At that point my day was officially over. Told them my number in betwen dry heaves. Transferred to another boat, and they had to basically carry me over. More vomiting. Got to an ambulance on shore, couldn't stand up. More vomiting. Eventually made it to the gurney using a railing to walk with. Got into the ambulance. More vomiting. Laid in medical for about an hour, with more vomiting. Couldn't take anything in. My BP was 90/60 for the first 30 minutes. Guess that's bad.

There was one light hearted moment, they were putting me on the gurney, but given i was puking my guts out, told them I should be on my left side. EMT touched my fucked up shoulder and said "whoa... umm, is that normal?" I said "no... I mean, for me it is... but no, it's not normal."

It was cold in the med tent, so they eventually sat me in the sun, in a wheelchair, just between med and the US airways parking lot, since there was a stiff breeze blowing through. In my jammers, as families and support walked by. Fucking great. Not humiliating at all.

I have to thank my friend Cat for coming by at that moment, although it turned on the waterworks, she knows what I was going thru and somehow knew exactly what to say. Don't know if she knew what that meant to me, she does now. I'll always owe her for being there. Love you, Cat.

One other swimmer came in, hypothermia, I think. They were going to send me to the ER, but the head doc said probably not necessary, take me home, fluids, etc. Another walk of shame. I couldn't walk without support, so my wife got the car as close as she could, and they wheeled me over, still in just my jammers, in a wheelchair, through all the people coming to the race. More absolute fucking humiliation. To top it off, the only place my wife could park was next the the finisher's chute. I always thought I'd get to the finisher's chute, just not like that.

I was OK emotionally until I had the nurse call my wife, then the emotions hit, and really didn't stop all Sunday. After getting back to the hotel, I basically laid in a dark room from 9 am until about 7 pm trying to get water, gatorade, pringles down. Anything. No TV, just lying there. I think I made it through 1/2 a bottle of water and 20 pringles. Although I was only in the water for 30 minutes, I felt like absolute crap.

We had to get my bike and bags, so we had to go back to the race. I really did not want to. Emotions hit me again as we passed the runners on Scottsdale Bridge. I couldn't even watch, I had to turn my head. I couldn't walk past the finisher chute so we went the long way, but hearing the cheering, Reilly's voice, it was painful and I had to stop and just let it out. My wife Wendy met with Cat for a while waiting for her boyfriend Jeff, so I went down under the Mill bridge and sat on the lakeside, watching where my body failed me on one side in the water, and watching the runners go by on the other, where I was supposed to be. I think it was therapeutic to see these brave people doing something that I could not do on that day.

Walking through the expo, everyone with medals, finisher's shirts. I just walked with my head down, so I didn't see them and they couldn't see my red eyes. I wanted out of there as fast as possible. I immediately took the stickers off my bike. I took the rack sticker with my name and threw it out. Came home and purged the room of the athlete's guide, the race instructions, race plans, articles, the poster, anything to do with this race. Gave away the license plate frame to Jeff since he didn't get on, he refused the 140.6 sticker I bought, he told me to put it in a drawer. I was fucking pissed at IMAZ, disappointed in myself..... all the inappropriate acting out emotions, that seemed quite appropriate under the circumstances.

At midnight Sunday, as I was writing, I could hear people returning to the hotel after their finishes. THat's where I always thought I'd be. In all of my dreams and visions, etc., it always included me crossing the line. I sent out an email to friends and coworkers saying "watch me" and all they get is a line of "0"s. More explanations. For some reason I was embarrassed, ashamed. Just wanted to hide. Quit. I trained for 6 months. Spent hundreds and hundreds, medical bills, equipment, worked through the accident, Untold hours of stress and attention to all these little details. For what. A fucking 1/2 hour swim

After I wrote a long blog entry, with a lot of anger and emotion, and frankly quite a bit of self pity, I had a long talk with Wendy and the thing she said that stuck to my heart was "you weren't given the choice to finish. Your body said no." She was right, even if I could have found a way to get thru the swim, I couldn't even stand up, much less ride a bike. I could barely kneel on the ground without toppling over. My day was over in the first 30 minutes. There wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It's just taken a couple days to accept it. What she said is what turned me around.

So, lying in bed, at 2 am, I decided that I would go back to the expo, grab my special needs bags, return the IMAZ jersey and hat (they said "we only do exchanges." I said "I didn't finish, I can't wear these." they said "oh, OK", what are they gonna do, make me exchange it for finisher's gear???), and.... decided to get my number to do IMAZ 11/09. Wendy asked if it was the IM I wanted to do. I said it's the one I feel I need to do. Not for revenge. But to borrow a phrase, to take care of unfinished business.

I felt better planning out the rest of this and next year's big races, SIlverman HIM 08, Cali 70.3 09, SOMA 09, IMAZ 09. Life goes on, there are more races, more friends to be made, experiences to have. Just get me to the starting line. Heard a good yiddish saying the other day, "Man plans, God laughs." Yup, it's just sometimes I don't get his sense of humor.

Despite all this perspective, Monday morning was difficult. Probably the wrong thing to do, but I avoided the people I came here with, for right or wrong. They are the people I trained with and care about, but I didn't think I could get through explaining what happened over and over. I didn't think I could see all of them in finisher's gear and hold myself together. I do want to congratulate them, and I don't want to take away what they've accomplished. But I don't want to hear all the war stories about how hard it was. That's absolutely their right to tell about what happened on what will be remembered as an epic day. Maybe someday, not tomorrow. I've told them all this in email, they understand.

I've learned some good stuff in the last couple days, hopefully to carry it through to the next challenge. Getting away from tempe, into Sedona, gave me some new perspective. Today, driving around looking for vortices, acting silly and singing stupid songs about Javelinas, my wife said "you know, I am not complaining, but it's hard to believe you suffered an IM DNF just yesterday."

The silver lining is that those of us DNF ing the swim were probably the smartest, given the conditions. Might as well get to it, a lot of folks DNFd and ended up in much worse shape than I.

I want to thank Wendy, who came ready to support me all day long in the heat, and who ended up wondering where I was after the swim and worrying about me, and getting a call from medical out of the blue. She sat with me all day, consoled me. And then said the words that turned it around. Nice to have your best friend as your wife.

And I want to thank the incredible people here, I will try to do each one personally. Yoou have no idea how muc the support means

Now, enough of IMAZ 2008. Onward and upward.
Swim
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Bike
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Transition 2
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Post race



Last updated: 2007-04-20 12:00 AM
Swimming
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Age Group: 0/
Overall: 0/
Performance:
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Start type: Plus:
Water temp: 0F / 0C Current:
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T1
Time: 00:00
Performance:
Cap removal: Helmet on/
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Age Group: 0/
Overall: 0/
Performance:
Wind:
Course:
Road:   Cadence:
Turns: Cornering:
Gear changes: Hills:
Race pace: Drinks:
T2
Time: 00:00
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Riding w/ feet on shoes
Jumping off bike
Running with bike
Racking bike
Shoe and helmet removal
Running
00:00:00 | 00 miles |  min/mile
Age Group: 0/
Overall: 0/
Performance:
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Keeping cool Drinking
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Mental exertion [1-5]
Physical exertion [1-5]
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Organized?
Events on-time?
Lots of volunteers?
Plenty of drinks?
Post race activities:
Race evaluation [1-5]

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2008-04-15 2:03 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Master
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Long Beach, CA
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Chris, you know that I think you are amazing! I'm glad to see your view of this has changed. I got teary reading your blog on Sunday and was afraid you were going to get away from triathlon and not try again. I should have known better - you are a tough, fierce competitor. You trained for this race and were ready for it. It wasn't for lack of trying that you couldn't continue. I couldn't sum it up any better than Wendy did. You can only do on a given day what your body will allow you to do. Some days, that's not much.

I look forward to following your blog. You'll have a nice, fun race at Wildflower with Wendy. From there, I look forward to reading your IM report. You will be an ironman. Don't throw that 140.6 sticker away, because your car will be sporting it soon enough. And I agree...it would be great to not avoid IMAZ. It will be emotional to race that course, but it will be so sweet when you conquer it and cross that finish line.

YOU ROCK!!!



2008-04-15 2:11 PM
in reply to: #1338414

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Big Sexy - 2008-04-15 6:28 AM

There are no coincidences in life.  Your experience will have a tremendous impact on the hundreds who will go through the same thing. 

x2

What makes an ironman is not what happens on race day....but the several months leading up to it. 

2008-04-15 2:23 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Science Nerd
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Redwood City, California
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Chris, sorry your day turned out the way it did.  I don't think you could have done anything differently.  Your body didn't want to cooperate and there's nothing you can do.  I've had the same experience during OWS and have no clue why it happens.  You can make it through.  We'll all be here to watch you in 11/09.

2008-04-15 2:43 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Master
1967
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Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
This is a tremendous race report. Your DNF says more about what "becoming an Ironman" means than you probably realize. Although you are likely in no mood for platitudes right now - hold your head high - you gave your best and that's all anyone can ever do.

I'm disappointed for you. Working that hard and not getting the result you want sucks.

I'm also jealous. Your attitude and willingness to post this speaks volumes about your character.

2008-04-15 3:50 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Expert
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Portland, OR
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Chris - You have an incredible spirit and your report really captures how wise and tough you are. Your story while really heartbreaking and disappointing will help a lot of people who face similar challenges during this upcoming race season.

Keep your head up and know that we are all really rooting for your continued success!
2008-04-15 5:57 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Master
1882
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Chandler, Arizona
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Chris,

I don't know you very well but I feel for you! We are all very competitive and I couldn't help but feel a small portion of your pain as I read your RR. This has to be a very difficult thing to go through but it will make you so much stronger. I know this will motivate you to come back stronger then ever and dominate in 09'. Thanks for putting the time in this an motivating me as well. KICK SOME !


2008-04-15 6:00 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Extreme Veteran
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Denver, CO
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I wish you the best in your training for next year. If anything like that happens to me in June, I'll try to remember your strength and wisdom in handling such a difficult and heartbreaking situation.
2008-04-15 6:21 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Expert
1112
1000100
I'm a Tennessee girl living in SoCal.
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Thanks for such an amazing report, Chris! It's a great reminder that sometimes our desires have to take a backseat to doing the smart/right thing for our health and well-being.

I was really disappointed I didn't get to make the Hermosa dinner a couple of weeks ago. After reading your report, I'm looking forward to meeting you all the more at some point in the future. You have an amazing spirit!
2008-04-15 6:57 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Champion
8766
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Evergreen, Colorado
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
I'm sorry to hear about the DNF...but glad to hear you are okay.  I'd rather be reading about your DNF than death in the water.  You are right...man plans, God laughs.  God has different plans for you and this race...
2008-04-15 7:15 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Extreme Veteran
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Melbourne
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Thanks for sharing your story Chris. There were tears in my eyes.
I was following IMAZ athletes and your absence was noted. Good to see that you will live to race another IM. Bring on 09!! All the best.

2008-04-15 7:54 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Champion
10154
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Alabama
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Chris,

I've been reading all the posts about your report and it is so great to have such a wonderful support team in your corner!  The reason the people here are BT are so empathic is because we know what it takes to train for months for a race and put your heart and soul into a dream and then have it stripped away from us. 

I gotta warn ya bro, your non-tri friends and co-workers back home probably will not understand the tremendous sense of loss you felt and still feel.  After my DNF one of my friends was like "So what!  What's the big deal.  So you go back and do the next one.  I don't see the big deal."  When I told him that I was in tears driving home from the race he was floored.  He had no idea why....no freakin' idea.  Musta thought I was some big pus or something.  I didn't really care what he thought.

You will feel much better after your next race.  I know it sounds cliche....but you gotta get back in the game as soon as you can.

~Mike



Edited by Rogillio 2008-04-15 8:14 PM


2008-04-15 8:59 PM
in reply to: #1338325

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Champion
6627
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Rochester Hills, Michigan
Gold member
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Dude, couldn't post at work due to *blocking*, but the RR is phenomenal, and your saga is amazing. I'm sorry serendipity kicked you in the , but know it'll be different in 09.

And, more than anything, glad you're safe. Don't trivialize what you've been through, or what might have been. It's a big deal, and I'm glad your out the other side of it in one piece. With a great 'tude. You're a rockstar, justforthat.

2008-04-16 6:01 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Subject: ...
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2008-04-16 6:08 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Champion
6107
50001000100
Out running or enjoying a fine glass of red...
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. You will get 'em next time. Take care.
2008-04-16 10:46 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Master
2571
20005002525
Tiger's Den
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

You know, I hope, if anything like this ever happens to me, that I can handle it with the strength that you did. No one can blame you for any of the emotions that you felt. We all would have. And there is no one here that could have overcome what you were experiencing and be able to continue. It absolutely was out of your hands.

I'm gonna remember your report and how you handled yourself. You will have your chance in 09. But in the mean time, know that you imbody the triathlon spirit.

 

2008-04-16 11:22 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Master
1927
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Chicago
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Chris,

I'm in tears right now because I can feel your pain through the key strokes. I won't belabor the obvious - life sucks., this sucks, it sucks., blah blah. But the fact that you're planning the next 12 months that IMAZ 09 is on your radar, that you're plotting and scheming on how to come out on top - that makes you admirable. Most people in this life give up when fear tears at them. Most people give up when they've been beaten by defeat. Most people. But then again we know that you're not most people.

Life sucks. Sometimes. But it passes. And then it's golden again. Most people never see the gold. They only see the suck. Say goodbye to the suck. Welcome to the gold!

Chris, you rock! My prayers are with you and I hope your body learns to say yes to this!



2008-04-16 11:50 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Champion
11641
50005000100050010025
Fairport, NY
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Onward and upward.

Indeed. 

2008-04-16 12:13 PM
in reply to: #1338325

Champion
7546
5000200050025
Santa Cruz, California
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Hi Chris....you are an amazing person! you made the right decision! you will have the opportunity to make up for this and will ROCK and ROLL in next years event. I was there at the race....cheering! and can not imagine ever doing such a long endurance tri! this was my brothers second tri...he did not finish the first.....this is a story that the local paper did on him for this race....

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/spt/columnists/dfetterman/stories/041108dnspofetterman.3a47c8f.html

You were smart to know that it was out of your control....I think it is important for us to listen to our bodies....you will get another chance and you will soon be an IRONMAN! but I am sure that Wendy and others will tell you that you already are! and I sooooo agree! It is great to see that you have signed up for next years event....the race director said that the event will now be held in November...due to heat/wind factors. Hang in there, hold that chin up high and know that one day soon you too will be that Ironman, and that you have nothing to be embarrassed or discouraged about....this past race had the highest drop out rate....only one in five racers finished....and many of those were just in the nick of time! Keep positive Chris...and know that we (all your BT family) will all be rooting for you!

2008-04-16 1:02 PM
in reply to: #1338325

Master
1831
100050010010010025
Keller Tx
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Hold your head high buddy.  Your problems were not from lack of preparation.  Sh1t happens to us at the most inopportune times.  Being able to walk away with your health is the most important thing to take away from your experience.  You will have your redemption!
2008-04-16 1:25 PM
in reply to: #1338325

Pro
3705
20001000500100100
Vestavia Hills
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Life goes on, there are more races, more friends to be made, experiences to have. Just get me to the starting line.

I know a little something about training for a race and not being able to do it.  Just by saying that, you are already well on your way to IMAZ 09. 

Godspeed, my friend.  You will crush it.

2008-04-16 3:59 PM
in reply to: #1338325

Master
1748
100050010010025
Port Moody, BC
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
I can't imagine how hard this day must have been on you Chris. I hope that you are over the vertigo and that you can compete in your next race at full capacity.


2008-04-17 2:48 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Littleton, CO
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF
Chris,
Thanks for posting this. I assume it had to be somewhat theraputic for you and I know everyone who read it took something valuable from it.

As others have said, I'm glad to be reading it instead of an accident report (or worse). The universe makes me scratch my head sometimes. As sh!tty as this was for you, I hate to think what would have happened if it hit you on one of your training swims, or while running/biking with traffic, or driving... If it HAD to happen, luck (or something/someone) was on your side to be surrounded by such amazing support.

Thanks again, and I HOPE I can drive myself to the point of submitting an IM RR someday - no matter the results.
2008-04-17 7:20 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Champion
5495
5000100100100100252525
Whizzzzzlandia
Silver member
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Holy Cats, Chris.

I was following your progress on the forum, and for the longest time we thought your chip fell of in the water... I know you're a strong swimmer, so I never expected this...

HOWEVER,

Anything can happen. Everything can happen. You're right... Man plans... God laughs. (I think that's going to be a hit from your RR)

And at the risk of sounding exceptionally smarmy: "Everything happens for a reason." Perhaps you are the vessel the universe has chosen to speak to us about water safety, taking your preparation for granted, and thinking your swim is "in the bag". And keeping your head on straight in an emotionally clouded situation. Being smart. Being safe. I know I won't forget what you've been through... and if *I* start to feel whacked in a swim... I will certainly evaluate and re-evaluate how I feel... keeping your experience in mind.  

Get your vertigo checked out. I don't want that to happen to you again NEXT YEAR, when you kick IMAZ in the nuts.  

Here's a ((hug))

Whiz.  

2008-04-17 9:29 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Expert
853
5001001001002525
Fort Worth, Texas
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Reading all of these RR makes me think there should be a new reality TV series called, "Learning Life's lessons the hard way" or maybe it should be called "Conquering our Challenges", no...how about "AMAZING PEOPLE....see how everyday people strive to overcome life's biggest challenges". Then there will be a segment where we watch "first try" when they fail and then the camera moves on to where ChrisM is going across the finish line of IMAZ feeling strong and like he has just been out for a morning jog. They will interview him and he will share all the lessons he learned through his experience. You will then write a book and make MILLIONS, then who will be complaining about that vertigo, huh?

2008-04-17 9:37 AM
in reply to: #1338325

Expert
927
50010010010010025
Longview, TX
Subject: RE: Ironman Arizona - BS, DNF

Chris,
I've been trying to read your report for about 3 days now, and I never could finish it.  I finally did.  The plain and simple fact to me is that you walked away.  That's the good thing.  You weren't dragged away in a stretcher like it could've been.  You weren't drug out of the river like you could've been.  You walked away, knowing you could live to fight another day rather than possibly spending the rest of your life with some form of sickness.  It was mayhem out there!  I've never had vertigo, but I have suffered a concussion and I bet it's a similar experience.  There's no way in hell I could've swam in the washing machine with a concussion, I know that for a fact.

Kudos for wanting revenge!  Like the true triathlete that you are!

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