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2009-09-15 4:24 PM

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Veteran
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Ardmore, Pennsylvania
Subject: significant other who's never there..... :(

I miss my boyfriend. he lives 2 miles away and I never see him. 
he works 9-5, then goes home to eat, then goes to the gym for 2-3hrs.  some days he tries to get a second workout in before work.  I'm lucky if I see him 1 night mon-fri and he usually shows up at 10pm, eats again and then we have to go to bed and get up early. misery.

I know what it means to be serious about your health and fitness, i can be as crazy a triathlete as anyone on here (except maybe the guy who wanted to bring his bike trainer to his daughter's softball game, lol).

weekends are a mess, either I have a wedding or he does, or I have a race and can't go out and he's tired of working all weekend so all he wants to do is drink himself silly.  we haven't even had one weekend away together all summer. (no thanks to the rain).

How do I do this? how do I make this work? I miss him so much.  I would gladly give up training days to see him.  I don't even remember the last time we went to a movie.  but he is unwilling to budge from his mon-fri routine. he's never been to one of my races. I did 6 this summer, almost all local. 

Can i get some input from people who have a significant other who works/works out so much?  How do you make a relationship work like this? i'm tired of being sad



2009-09-15 4:29 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Resident Curmudgeon
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The Road Back
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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
Find a boyfriend with different better priorities.
2009-09-15 4:31 PM
in reply to: #2408106

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Pro
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Hailey, ID
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
X2 ^^^

Even with I run my own business and I'm actually training for tris, I still make sure to spend time with my wife and 3 kids. Does it mean i don't get to go on a 100 mile ride everyday etc, yes. But they are worth it to me.

2009-09-15 4:32 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Champion
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Knoxville area
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
compromise is the building blocks of all relationships, that's all there is to it.

(edit) and communication. Make sure you've expressed this to HIM.

Edited by Leegoocrap 2009-09-15 4:32 PM
2009-09-15 4:40 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(

What they said.

And unpleasant reality:  if he's not willing to budge on it, he's shown you what his priorities are and exactly how much he is willing to be there for your relationship.  At that point, you have to make a decision if that's the relationship you want.

2009-09-15 4:40 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
Relationships require give and take from everyone involved. It appears from your comments that you are willing to give by skipping workouts to spend time with your boyfriend. In contrast, from your comments it appears that the boyfriend is unwilling to compromise on his end. This is not an equation for happiness. Though I can't pointedly suggest seeing other people for a while because I understand the emotional attachment you may have to your boyfriend, this is an option you should consider.

Having this discussion with your boyfriend would be a great first step to figuring out if he is worth the emotional damage he is causing. Men are often unaware they are "doing anything wrong" when it might seem very clear to an outsider or to the girlfriend/wife.


2009-09-15 4:54 PM
in reply to: #2408129

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Mountain View, CA
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
Stewie - 2009-09-15 2:40 PM

Relationships require give and take from everyone involved. It appears from your comments that you are willing to give by skipping workouts to spend time with your boyfriend. In contrast, from your comments it appears that the boyfriend is unwilling to compromise on his end. This is not an equation for happiness. Though I can't pointedly suggest seeing other people for a while because I understand the emotional attachment you may have to your boyfriend, this is an option you should consider.

Having this discussion with your boyfriend would be a great first step to figuring out if he is worth the emotional damage he is causing. Men People are often unaware they are "doing anything wrong" when it might seem very clear to an outsider or to the girlfriend/wife significant other.


Fixed. Otherwise, agree 100%. I know it's not easy to consider leaving someone you care about, but if you're not getting what you need from the person, and he or she hasn't been receptive to your attempts to address the problem(s), it's worth thinking about whether or not it's best for you to stay in the relationship. Good luck.
2009-09-15 4:56 PM
in reply to: #2408128

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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
CitySky - 2009-09-15 4:40 PM

What they said.

And unpleasant reality:  if he's not willing to budge on it, he's shown you what his priorities are and exactly how much he is willing to be there for your relationship.  At that point, you have to make a decision if that's the relationship you want.



Agreed.

WHY is the gym so important?  Does he compete?  If so he should have at least one full day off.  I know people who compete as body builders and they don't train 7 days a week.

The fact that he is not willing to budge is a VERY bad sign in my opinion.  You guys are still in the 'can't keep hands off each other stage'  or at least should be.

Edited by KeriKadi 2009-09-15 5:04 PM
2009-09-15 5:06 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Master
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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
Can you train together at all? Even if you aren't the same speed, this can work. when I'm feeling strong, I pull when hubby and I ride or we switch off. Regardless of drafting rules for tris, the person drafting can still get a really good workout if they are the less strong rider.

While I know it would feel better if he came to one of your events on his own, did you ask him to come to any? He may be the sort of person who doesn't care if anyone cheers for him at an event (or maybe doesn't even hear it), and so does not think about cheering for others. Did you go to any of his local events?

Have you had a talk with him? If you have and he continues to put training first and that isn't acceptable to you, then you'll have a decision to make.
2009-09-15 5:09 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Master
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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(

If you're not a priority to him now, you probably won't be in the future either.   Sorry.  

2009-09-15 5:10 PM
in reply to: #2408096

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Got Wahoo?
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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(

You are not a priority for him. I'm sorry.



2009-09-15 5:17 PM
in reply to: #2408148

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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
I agree with the fixes. Coming from the misogynistic point of view that I have, everything appeared ok at the time.

puellasolis - 2009-09-15 3:54 PM
Stewie - 2009-09-15 2:40 PM Relationships require give and take from everyone involved. It appears from your comments that you are willing to give by skipping workouts to spend time with your boyfriend. In contrast, from your comments it appears that the boyfriend is unwilling to compromise on his end. This is not an equation for happiness. Though I can't pointedly suggest seeing other people for a while because I understand the emotional attachment you may have to your boyfriend, this is an option you should consider.

Having this discussion with your boyfriend would be a great first step to figuring out if he is worth the emotional damage he is causing. Men People are often unaware they are "doing anything wrong" when it might seem very clear to an outsider or to the girlfriend/wife significant other.
Fixed. Otherwise, agree 100%. I know it's not easy to consider leaving someone you care about, but if you're not getting what you need from the person, and he or she hasn't been receptive to your attempts to address the problem(s), it's worth thinking about whether or not it's best for you to stay in the relationship. Good luck.
2009-09-15 5:17 PM
in reply to: #2408096

Subject: ...
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2009-09-15 5:26 PM
in reply to: #2408173

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Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(

gopennstate - 2009-09-15 4:09 PM

If you're not a priority to him now, you probably won't be in the future either.   Sorry.  

that's for sure!

2009-09-15 5:31 PM
in reply to: #2408213

Sensei
Sin City
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
I can't add anything else.  Everyone is right so far.
2009-09-15 7:27 PM
in reply to: #2408096

Delaware, OH
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
Srsly?  Try being a military spouse.  Be thankful you get to sleep in the same BED as your partner.  You at least see him every day...and not on web camera.

Either start training with him or find a new boyfriend who makes you a priority. 


2009-09-15 7:43 PM
in reply to: #2408096

Veteran
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Ardmore, Pennsylvania
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
i am lucky I am not a military wife. I don't wish to sound ungrateful.
we do not live together, so I see him once a week, he is a paramedic.
he wont train with me at the gym b/c of excuses about how the weights would be different and we don't do the same routines, plus he won't go to my gym he says its too girly.
he bought a bike but gave it to his brother so we never get to work out together.

people are right. i may be in love with the wrong person, someone I care deeply for, have invested a lot of time and over 3 years with, but who no longer fits my lifestyle.  (we got along swimmingly when i was going out and partying 5 nights a week!)

i am grateful to BT for helping me change my life. grateful for everyone's input and support.
for now though, i am just very very sad. I am not looking forward to losing this person, even if it is my choice.  i really wanted it to work.
 

thank you guys for letting me wear my heart on my sleeve.
2009-09-15 7:49 PM
in reply to: #2408470

Master
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Victoria, BC
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
I am sorry to hear of your situation. It's a horrible one to be in - trying to balance between our heads and our hearts. I really have no advice, except honestly the same thing everyone else has said - he's clearly not making you a priority, so ... I'd say dump him and find someone who truly appreciates you.
But it's not that easy when you love someone, is it.

Please accept my huge healing cyber-hugs. ((hugs))

I have recently made a huge life-changing decision (nothing to do with relationships, but still big) ... and all I can offer is Follow Your Heart. Inside - you know what's best for you. If you didn't - you wouldn't have started this thread.
2009-09-15 8:03 PM
in reply to: #2408096

Champion
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Chicago
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
It's one thing to be obsessed with training. It's another thing to put it before your SO. If he'd rather train than hang out with you one night a week then it's time to move on. Really, a 9-5 schedule is pretty simple to work around. Most people I know who do IM work more than that and have families along with other responsibilities.

Tough love here, but if he wanted to spend time with you, he would.
2009-09-15 10:29 PM
in reply to: #2408519

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Portland,OR
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(

Sorry to say it, but I'm going to have to agree with everyone here.  I was a paramedic when my wife and I were dating.  I worked 10-12 24hr shifts with a 103 mile commute each way to work.  I also volunteered as a diver at an Aquarium in Long Beach, did offshore dive rescue and taught scuba classes as well as trained for tris and I still made sure to spend a few nights a week and at least one weekend night with her.  Sometimes things did get in the way, an event or something, but those were the exception and hardly the rule.  You make priorities that work for you and that you like best, it's pretty telling when you have time for everything else except time with your SO.  That said, if you haven't communicated these feelings to him you owe it to him and yourself to get it out there.  If he responds positively then great for the both of you.  If he continues to make excuses I think you will have your answer.

2009-09-15 10:49 PM
in reply to: #2408128

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Dallas, TX
Subject: RE: significant other who's never there..... :(
CitySky - 2009-09-15 4:40 PM

What they said.

And unpleasant reality:  if he's not willing to budge on it, he's shown you what his priorities are and exactly how much he is willing to be there for your relationship.  At that point, you have to make a decision if that's the relationship you want.



Very good advice.

A favorite quote of mine is... "You get what you settle for."

Even though you care about him, he might not be the right one for you. It might hurt to move on, but in the long run, it will free you up to find a relationship with someone who wants to give as much to it as you do.

Good luck... and sorry to hear about your situation.



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