I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship

(1) The guy is a Class A verbal abuser.  I was married to one so I know.  Trying to isolate her from her friends/family? Check.  Making her scared to talk to someone on the phone? Check.  Giving her guilt trips about how she is not focused enough on him? Check. 

Someone who's proud cause they've never hit a woman, is someone to stay far, far, away from.

(2) You need to be there for her.  It's really hard to leave someone like that - it's scary.  Partially because you start buying into all the crap they're handing you and partially cause you really are afraid of how they'll react.  Especially if you've never dealt with that sort've relationship dynamic before.

(3) There's a couple of really good books about Verbal Abuse.  Just go to Amazon and look up Verbal Abuse.  You'll find a lot of stuff.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1558505822/qid=1123516776/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/102-2472133-7479329

This one was the most helpful for me to disect what was going on.  There's also another one by this author that was helpful as well.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1558503048/qid=1123517529/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/102-2472133-7479329?v=glance&s=books

This one is stories and thoughts from people who survived a verbally abusive relationship.  For me, reading this book was like looking in a mirror.  After this was when I tried for the counseling option and so on.  After this book was when I knew things had to change, cause I didn't want to be one of the women in there that had put up with this type of relationship for decades. It wasn't immediate, it still took me a couple of years to leave, but this book I think, was the biggest motivator to get out.

You could get a couple of the books available (or check them out of the library) read them, see if you think they apply and then give them to her on the sly.  Tell her to read them, and if they don't apply to her then she has nothing to worry about.  But if they do, then she needs to think about where she wants to be.

(4) You're already asking her good questions.  The one about what would she think if it was you was very good.  Tell her you're concerned, tell her you'll do whatever she wants you to do.  You could also ask her if this is how she wants to live her life for the next 20 years.  Another one might be if she would be acting this same way if he wasn't there.  If she was on her own, is this what she would be doing?  Sometimes, you get tunnel vision, just living moment to moment cause that's all you can handle.  She also might be really scared of being on her own, alone, with no relationship. 

(5) Most important.  Be there for her.  Make sure you stay in contact, even if it's minimal, even if she is calling you in secret.  She needs that voice of sanity and she needs to know you'll be there for her if she needs you.

Unfortunately, you can't do it for her.  She's the one who has to decide to walk away from this guy.  You can support her, you can talk to her, but ultimately it's her life and she's the one who has to make it work.

A couple more things.  Verbal abuse is not someone having an off day and they act like a jerk.  We all have those days.  The difference is that there is a clearly discernable pattern that happens all the time, and is very consistent.

For instance.  Anyone could have a day where they might say "Your friend is bad for you."  Who knows?  Maybe you said something that made that statement reasonable.

The difference is that the verbally abusive person will say those kind of statements, repeatedly and often.  In other words - there is a pattern and you can see it.

Another key thing - can the guy admit he is wrong?  Does he ever apologize if she calls him on something that's out of line?  And is it sincere?  In my relationship, my ex would never admit to any kind of fault.  About anything.  He was never the one who had made a mistake or done something wrong.  It was always either (a) me, (b) someone else, (c) the job, or (d) the universe was against him.

I've got some red flags myself on this, and  none of them have to do with the guy.  I've got a news flash - the world is FULL of shitty people.  They will do all variety of horrible things to anyone within striking distance - and you're never going to change that by wailing about how bad "they" are.  They exist, we all agree they're bad, they are always going to exist, deal with it.

The weak link here is your friend. And I stress the word weak. She has jumped headlong into the victim pool, and you're right there on the sidelines asking "having a good swim, dear? I'm here to pull you out when you're done, don't worry about trying to do it yourself".  Now, that probably made you mad, but let me be clear on what I mean.  I am NOT saying you should not help your friend, if it were my friend I'd help them.  But never in the history of the world has a weak person gotten stronger without having gone through some very bad times and getting THEMSELVES out of those tough times. You don't know you posses inner strength unless you are forced to USE IT.  Instead of coming at her from the position of "he's bad, he's wrong, he's an abuser" and somehow implying that HE caused this situation, you should be of the position  "you deserve better, you can do better, you should want / need / expect better, you have to be a strong woman for your boys, you are their protector", and make it clear that SHE is responsible for this situation and SHE is responsible to make it stop.  She has to be strong enough to take some personal accountability for what she has allowed to happen, or we're right back to victim. 

If this woman does not get some strength, you're just going to be "rescuing" her from the next asshole she takes up with, and believe me, she will. Certainly sounds like she 2 for 2 so far. Again, I'm not saying not to help. But if I love someone, to me the BEST way to help is to at least TRY make them see that they can live in the world and take care of themselves. If they don't know how to do that, I want to do everything I can to encourage them to find their own personal strength.  I want people I love to know that they are cabable people, and that if they show that to others, it is virtually impossible to victimize them.  Since I have two adult children, I have had to walk the talk on this and it is incredibly difficult.  You have to say "I will advise you if you ask me to, but I will not get you out of this situation - you must do that for yourself".  It's one of the hardest, but most rewarding things you can do for someone you really love.  You see the change in them, you see the growth, and it's a beautiful thing.

Holy crackamoly - this guy is someone to RUN the f*** away from.

Encourage your friend to get counselling. She needs to find her senses so that she does not fall back into a life with this asswipe. Abusers can be very charming; they've got the whole honeymoon period down to a science. I seriously doubt he is going to let her go without a fight.

You know, this is all good and everything but unless you have had an abusive relationship - and here I mean you have BEEN in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with either a VERBAL or a PHYSICAL abuser - then, I'm sorry, but you don't know what you are talking about.  This type of situation is NOT the same as dealing with the car salesman, or the bad boss, etc. etc.  Sometimes you really do need more.  Someone telling you to lose the loser.  Someone telling you they will get you out of the situation, if that's what you need.  Okay, and maybe you didn't need that kind of support, and you did it all yourself, but that still doesn't remove the fact that other people might need more help to get themselves turned around.

I considered myself a strong person before this relationship happened to me - and I needed a lot of support to get out of it, and not just the "I will advise you if you ask me to, but I will not get you out of this situation - you must do that for yourself" type of advice.  If the people I was relying on for support had said something like that to me, I would have felt totally adrift and unable to cope.  I was so beaten down by this person, I don't even recognize who I was at that point in time.  I was never a wimp before, and I'm sure not a wimp now - and I'd never get into a situation like that again - but at that point in my life, I was a wimp and I needed all the help I could get.  I'm just glad that there were those in my life who were willing to give it to me.