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I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship (Page 2)
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 2005-08-08 5:29 PM in reply to: #219743 |
Elite  3020   Bay Area, CA |  Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship And good for you Shellee for taking control of your own life and getting out of that relationship (even if you still have to deal with him over your kids, he's not the boss of you anymore). You are so right about that, and I am thankful for that every day. My kids may have chosen to go live with him, but I wouldn't darken the doorway of his house on a bet. |
| 2005-08-08 9:37 PM in reply to: #219217 |
Champion 11641    Fairport, NY | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship She is in danger. Physical, mental, emotional, and probably financial danger. The only thing this guy has to offer your friend is torment. He's the definition of an abuser. And her two sons absolutely do need her. Even if they are off the charts autistic and will never participate in a single emotional exchange with her, they need her as their advocate, to look out for them. No one will ever look out for them the way she can. No one will ever have the authority that she has to direct their care and demand what's best for them. That's why he wants them gone. She'll have that much less authority. Has anyone done a criminal check on this nimrod? I bet a CORI could reveal some interesting things, like maybe more restraining orders. Next time he brags about never hitting a woman, do the Chris Rock thing: "You're not supposed to hit women. Whaddaya want, a cookie?" You need to talk to her, and then to a professional in your area that deals with battered women. Call your doctor or a local woman's shelter, describe what's going on, and ask for a number. Your local police dept. could probably give you some numbers too. Having a cop or two wating in a car outside when she tells him to hit the road might be prudent. This woman is going to need your help and the help of her other friends. Psychos like this guy don't like to lose. Edited by marmadaddy 2005-08-08 9:41 PM |
| 2005-08-09 4:39 AM in reply to: #220007 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship She is getting out today. She is waiting till he leaves for work and going. I cannot help her pack because I could not get a sitter but she has another friend helping her. |
| 2005-08-09 8:35 AM in reply to: #220134 |
Buttercup 14334 | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Nancy, I hope all goes well with your friend. Remind her that it's not over and that this creep will keep trying to get her back under his thumb. I'm sure there are resources on the 'net to help her deal with the fallout. |
| 2005-08-09 9:13 AM in reply to: #220240 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Renee - 2005-08-09 9:35 AM Nancy, I hope all goes well with your friend. Remind her that it's not over and that this creep will keep trying to get her back under his thumb. I'm sure there are resources on the 'net to help her deal with the fallout. Thanks Renee. I worry about that too. I am going to encourage some real life resources but in the end the net works too. A lot of this is up to her now. |
| 2005-08-09 10:46 AM in reply to: #219217 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: Update well she is gone. The BF called here. Since my friend earased my number (and I believe she did) he must have written it down. I told him I did not know where she is (I don't she is between there and here) and that I could not pass messages. He was VERY nice, at first.. but it was all "what this has done to me" and no concern for her and her needs at all (I listened). He kept asking me to explain it and asking who she talked to about him and how much money he spent on her (he did get free childcare and my friend is not someone who asks anyone to spend money on her ever). he then said "well I have some of her stuff and I want her to call me to tell me what to do with it" Me: I will pass the messege on when I see her next. Him: It's worth about $500.00 Me: I am sorry but she told me she took everything out of the house that was hers. I cannot imagine she left something so valuable can you tell me what it is?" Him: "No. I want her to call me and I will tell her what it is then" Mr: "You know this is something she was concerned about because that sounds pretty manipulative." Him: "Yes it is, That's how I get things done" Me: "umm Ok. I think I should go" Him: "Are you going to tell her to call me" Me: "no. I will tell her you want her to call but I am not telling her what to do. I am going to hang up" Him: "I know where you live" Me: "Yes, I know that. I also know what your car looks like and I know how to dial 911. I am not issuing you a challange. I am making you a promise. I am also calling the local police and telling them about this conversation. I am hanging up now" I hung up. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-09 10:46 AM |
| 2005-08-09 11:00 AM in reply to: #219217 |
| Sydney Australia | Subject: |
| 2005-08-09 12:24 PM in reply to: #220491 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship There is nothing they can do but have someone drive by every couple of hours and that I am to call them if I see him at all. |
| 2005-08-09 4:23 PM in reply to: #219813 |
| Elite Veteran 1817 Cedar Rapids, Iowa | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship cadreamer - 2005-08-08 5:27 PM .....You know, this is all good and everything but unless you have had an abusive relationship - and here I mean you have BEEN in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with either a VERBAL or a PHYSICAL abuser - then, I'm sorry, but you don't know what you are talking about. Most of the people who offer opinions on this site "don't know what they are talking about", we're all just chiming in with anything remotely close to any given situation in our own lives to see if any word or thought or action can be helpful in part or in whole. Please don't come down so hard on me, Shellee, I wasn't trying to do anything malicious. I only have my own life and experiences to draw on, so that's all I know to offer up. |
| 2005-08-09 6:07 PM in reply to: #220985 |
Elite 3020 Bay Area, CA | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Please don't come down so hard on me, Shellee, I wasn't trying to do anything malicious. I only have my own life and experiences to draw on, so that's all I know to offer up. Yeah, sorry - I over-reacted there. You just said something that hit my hot buttons - it happens sometimes. For the record, I think you're a pretty cool person from your posts - and you have a lot of good things to say. |
| 2005-08-09 7:36 PM in reply to: #221048 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Tania, You have the thoughts and opinions you have. From your life, from the way you face your issues, and from your hopes for a better tomorrow. I don't agree with a lot of what you said about this particular issue but know that it came from a place of caring about this and was not just shot off the cuff. Your thoughts were well reasoned and can be right on the money for a lot of people. In this case I don't agree but that does not make you wrong. Time will tell if this happens again and no one is as immune as we all, as women, want to believe we are. These people, abusive men, are well practiced and very charming when they want to be and can sneak in (them's the words of the National Hotline for Abused Women btw). We all have thise packet of baggage we carry around and can only really see the world through our own little piece of it. Which is why I came to this forum with what happened in the first place. I would rather hear the good and the ill than stick my head in the sand and pretend I always know the right thing to do. Of course my first instinct, when hearing I blew it or might blow it or possibly could blow it, is to get all pissy and irritated and think that the other person is just dead wrong but in the end a lot of what you said made a lot of sense. The hardest thing to do in all of this was to stand back and ask questions and not just take the van over there when he was not home and guilt her into leaving or some other such bad thing. In the end it has to be the woman's decision (not that men are not abused but I know only what I know). If she is not ready no one can make her go. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-09 7:38 PM |
| 2005-08-10 1:25 PM in reply to: #221109 |
| Elite Veteran 1817 Cedar Rapids, Iowa | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Shellee and Nancy, Thanks for coming back at me with the nice words. I was kind of bothered about this whole thing last night, thinking I had just come off as the biggest class A bitch ever, and was afraid to come back on for what I might see. I appreciate your responses. I am the first person to admit, that I am EXTREMELY hard on people (women, in particular) when it comes to pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps in this life. As you both say rightly, that is because of my personal experiences. I have had to scrape and claw my own way out of a lot of bad stuff, starting with my "TV movie of the week" type bad childhood and going downhill from there. And somewhere along the way I came to believe that I HAD to do it myself, I could not ask for help. That is not a good, or healthy or productive belief, I know that and I work on it a lot. My husband has been the perfect counter point to me, I can't tell you how many times he's said "Tania, you have GOT to cut people some slack, everyone is not like you - and sometime I wish YOU weren't like you, give yourself a break, you're not alone in this life". There a lot of good to be said for knowing how to take care of yourself, but it's so much better when you know you can count on others to help you. I do wish the best for your friend, Nancy, truly. And everybody should have a friend like you. Thanks again, ladies. |
| 2005-08-10 2:11 PM in reply to: #221109 |
Buttercup 14334 | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Nancy, Please don't accept anymore calls from this guy. There's no sense in provoking a dangerous guy and you don't know what will provoke him. Just refuse to answer his calls. It's a little late to add but just in case: I hope you did not tell your friend about the call. Her safety is worth more than an alleged $500 worth of possessions. |
| 2005-08-11 10:50 AM in reply to: #219217 |
Pro 4612 MA | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship That $500 worth of stuffs might not be real. |
| 2005-08-11 4:16 PM in reply to: #219217 |
Extreme Veteran 360 Lafayette, CO | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship Wow... I have been reading this thread but not saying much because, quite frankly, I don't know what to say. Sounds like the right things have happened though. But that like about him being manipulative, and him saying "Yes, I know that's how I get things done." really sent icky shivers up my spine. Ew. You are a good person, and a good friend, and she is lucky to have you. |
| 2005-08-11 4:35 PM in reply to: #219217 |
Expert 1135 Delano, MN | Subject: RE: I need advice about the friend in the bad relationship I too have followed this thread and not really known how to respond other than the fact you have done all the right things as a friend. Watch your back close - this one reads like a creppy movie. |
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