Happy marriage vs. Triathlon

A few thoughts:
1) Let your better half pick the destination for your next IM and/ or make sure its somewhere that everyone will enjoy.
2) You have the rest of your life to do triathlons. Maybe pick a 70.3 for next year and wait on the IM?
3) Avoid surprises. Have a long talk about training and the time you will spend up front, and why it's important to you. Try to create a training schedule that has some flexibility.
4) Don't be afraid to skip a workout here and there (especially if they aren't "key workouts." Most of us AGers tend to over-train as opposed to under training.
5) Thank your spouse/ family profusely for allowing you to pursue your goals in triathlon. What commitment can you make to your wife/ family as you pursue this opportunity.
6) Completing an IM will be infinitely more satisfying if you have the 100% backing of your family.
Good Luck!

I'm in the same situation, (children 6 yrs, 3 yrs, and 18 month old), We both work full-time, and I'm also full-time student in Grad school, plus I work with the Chicago Marathon (Chicago Shamrock Shuffle also).

One thing that helps with us is my wife is a runner, so we can go on runs with the double stroller and the six year old riding his bike. Now that it's getting colder we go to the gym (twice a week) that actually has childcare (the kids love it) where we run and the swim laps. Cycling will be easier in the Winter as I will get on the trainer (60-90 mins) after the kids are in bed.

With our jobs, we work our schedule to where one of us are home, so I can do the gym thing by myself with the kids 3x a week. Any cycling I was doing before it started getting cold, like rides lasting longer than an hour I would wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturdays and get it in, so it wouldn't interfere with the family time on our day off.

I make it a priority to spend time after school, after work etc. with the family and then go do my thing when everyone is winding down for bed or in bed already. If I have a double workout planned for the day, again I get up early to do one part and then will do the other part towards the evening.

It's doable but you have to be creative and it may lead to some long days, but I love feeling that I did my workout for the day and had time to do it without taking the time away from the family

Hope this helps, maybe it will give you some ideas...

There are plenty of tradeoffs you can make and get the training in w/o impacting your marriage, you just need to get creative at scheduling

1) I can easily knock off a 2hr bike ride on the trainer before the kids wake up for breakfast (or hit the gym for a swim and med length run before work)
2) I do many of my short runs at lunch during work. Nobody cares if I head out for a 30/45m run a few times a week.
3) Most of your long runs are going to be well < 3hrs. I knock off mine most Sunday mornings, either before the kids are up, or after breakfast before we get stuff moving for the day.

Except for the bike, IM training isn't really that much more than a HIM. I was able to get most of it done using the above, and for the really long bike rides (5+hrs) I did a few things

1) EARLY morning trainer rides for 50% of the planned workout time, and then once the sun was up, or I was sick of the trainer, I would finish the ride by biking into work. I would take the morning off and take a 3+hr route to work arriving before noon. I could knock off 100+ mi rides AND a brick run before the lunch hour.
2) I took a day or two off completely from work and did the same. Rode instead of working.
3) On the rare occasion where I had to, I've even did all my long rides on the trainer. Assuming you know how to push yourself, trainer riding is very good at getting you ready to race. Try pedaling 100% of the time for 5+hrs...

Some, or none, of this might work for you - point is there is almost always some way to rearrange or creatively arrange, your schedule. You don't always have to train during mid day on the weekends.

Very good points!
That's one of the "selling" points (#1) I make to my wife, I turn it into a "family" affair, we go down for the weekend and her requirements are: nice hotel with a pool for the kids. Turn it into a weekend get-away that also focuses on family during the trip, make it fun. Definitely agree with #6.

Edited by elppaym 2013-10-07 9:53 PM

my key to it is:
-talk to her, make her backing you up
-let her be part of the decision about what and where to compete
-wake up early and train
-lunch time...no, training time
-everyonce in a while, skip a training session, pack the car and go on a family trip
-talk to her about you difficulties in training, she'll feel a part of it

This is sound advice....... It definitely important to have her on board....it helps me to make my IM events more of a destination event that your family can look forward to besides just supporting you on yoir solo adventure...... In LP I rented a house on a lake and it started the Friday Saturday before the IM so we had a non ironman time that we could enjoy without the stress...sure I had to.sacrifice not being up there several days before but it was not all about me and a small tradeoff.....doing challenge AC and already planning a beach vacation.Workout logistics is if you have time at lunchtime at work , early mornings etc to.get workouts in, do it.....the more you can.do without impeding on family time the better.

Yes. Once kids hit about 8 years, imo, things get much harder. I have 4 ages 6-13 and after doing my first half last year realized I still have a number of years before I can do a full. Honestly, I felt bitter and angry when I realized this and spent a bunch of time kicking myself for not starting tris earlier. BUT, in my pre-kid life I traveled the world playing rugby. It was perfect for then and now tris are perfect. In the meantime I'll be my best at olys and halfs!

Edited by Quigley 2013-10-08 6:21 AM

Early, early morning training. LIke 4 am early. I have 4 kids (8, 6, 5, and 3). Most of my training is back-to-back before they're even out of bed. 90% of my rides are on the trainer (even the long ones). Sometimes I'll take a couple kids on a recovery run. I also use the jogger stroller with my 3 year old. On swim days I'm in the water at 5 am when the pool opens. My long rides and run are done super early. I'm usually done and showered by 10 on weekends, which really isn't too bad.

My husband is on board with my hobby. He's the one who urged me to do a second IM this year. If I didn't have his full support, I'd probably bag the IM stuff. I want a happy marriage and a happy family. The good thing for me is that I've figured out how to have both for now.

My kids are getting older and their activities are really picking up. It's only going to get worse as the years tick by. I feel as if I only have a couple more years to do IM, and then I need to reduce training hours. It was super hard juggling IM training, swim team, tennis, academic camps, etc. this past summer. Add in 3-4 more activities and I'm done.

There are plenty of people without a happy marriage that don't do triathlons! That being said, I think the difference in training time between a HIM and IM is huge. I have never done an IM, and the clock is running out (I'm 56, with 3 tween/teen girls. Definitely go for the HIM. I've only done one so far, but it was great. Don't sweat it if you miss a workout, and don't feel like you have to compete with the pros.

Some good advice from others in terms of the relationship aspect but here are some things to consider from a training perspective.

While there is a common perception that training for an IM requires countless (or a minimum of 15-20) hours per week, this is not actually the case. Many athletes will training pretty consistently in this range in their build to IM (or 70.3 or Oly or even sprints) but this does not mean it is necessary; rather, these athletes are training at these levels because they enjoy the training and have the time available to put in those hours.

It is quite possible to train effectively for an IM with much lower volume and it is a matter of finding the right training plan that will fit with your life if you want to have a happy marriage and race at the IM distance. While there will likely be a handful of weeks a year where you will want to have a higher training volume, consistently putting in a much lower volume (say 7-10 hours per week) is going to be much more important to your success than the big weeks.

Shane

^^ I could not have said it better myself ^^

The days of training 20+ hrs for an IM are long gone. Sit down and discuss everything with your family (kids included) and then find the proper plan.

But always keep in mind that IronMan training has ended more than 1 marriage.

Training time = selfish time but I make sure that all the other time is 100% about my family. I coach 2 soccer teams for my kids and make sure I fully support anything my wife would like to do. She is a runner.

Training time starts at 4-5 am and this gets me done in time for breakfast with the family on all but one day a week. I ride the trainer alot and swim during lunch. There are some days when I know it is time to skip a workout for the sake of my marriage but there are also key weekends I tell my wife that I cannot miss.

Forgot to mention I only go up to 70.3. Like others have said, I will wait for the kids to get older before going the distance.

Edited by texaggs 2013-10-08 10:03 AM

I was able to train for my first Ironman on an average of 11 hours per week of training in the 4 months leading up to the race. I was self-coached. I alternated weeks between long rides (anything over 100KM) and runs (anything over 15 miles). I did a total of 5 centuries and had an amazing base for running (my strength back then) so I only did 3 runs in the 2:00-2:45 hours range (2:15, 2:30, 2:45), the rest was around 1:30-2 hours.

I finished in 11:24 at Ironman Florida. So, you can have a decent showing without putting in endless hours! That was years ago and I personally made the decision I wouldn't do another Ironman until my daughter graduated from high school because even with that minimal amount of training I did, I felt like I missed a lot. I may do Ironman Chattanooga in 2015, but honestly I LOVE sprints and really like training short and fast.

Sorry, back on track. Also, it's not just the training hours, but it's the time to get to and from training. (I was not in an area where I could ride out my front door: that's changed.) Plus, you'll likely not want to train by yourself all the time. I was riding the minute the sun came up and running at 4am. Good luck finding takers on that time schedule! So, if you wait for other's schedules you'll be gone a lot even if you're training minimal hours.

Then there's just the "space" training for an Ironman takes in your head. It's a MASSIVE focus of your life for a time, and for many it's their whole lifestyle. Can we do a spring break vacation? Can I take my bike or rent one? Is there a pool?

There's also the general exhaustion that comes from training a lot, even the minimal amount. I know a few Ironmen who are there but well... not really. They're beat from all the training and would rather sit on the couch sometimes then do just about anything else. In other words, recovery time is also something to consider.

I'm married to a very supportive non-triathlete (I mean, he's my kayaker for the swim around key west next year and will be supporting all my long training swims...) But, even he was admittedly relieved when I moved on from Ironman.

This isn't meant to discourage you but give you some other things to think about! It can be done and lots of Ironmen have happy marriages. Lots of good advice on here.

Andi

I make sure to train in the early am and right after work....so im home by 7:30ish latest during the week. On the weekends I try to start my workout as soon as th sun is up right now6:30ish, so even ifits a long day I'm normally hom before 2pm....the key is to than make time for family, so the rest of the day I spent it with the family doing something they want to do, or chores Ive neglected but know I will get brownie points witht he wife...haha. Also make the bigger races into a mini vacation in which all can enjoy....

Time management:

168 hrs week
42 hrs sleeping
45 hrs working
15 hrs training
15 hrs eating
15 hrs doing chorse - mowing grass, laundry, cleaning, etc

Still leaves 50 hr for quality family time.

Look for non-value added things such a watching TV, surfing the internet, posting on BT.....

^^ x3

Even though I stick to the shorter races, I still cram all my training into either the morning before my daughter wakes up, or my lunch break. That said, I still find that when I have a heavy week, even that schedule cuts into family time. Want to wake up at 4 or 5 am to get in a run, but still be functional at work? Then you need to be in bed early, which at least in my house means going to bed before my wife, cutting into time I could be spending with her. Thankfully she's supportive, but ultimately there's a fixed amount of Ike in the day, and training time has to come at the expense of something.

Also, waking up at 5am to run in the cold and dark just sucks.

The biggest thing for me was those long bike rides. I was slow, so I would be out there for 6 or 8 hours 3 or 4 times a month. There is no getting back that time. My wife was not happy, and that was before kids!

FWIW I am kinda coming out of a 5 year selfish training cycle, albeit I haven't done a tri in 4 years so most of that has been running. I would say, no matter how selfish you are, if your marriage is important to you and your marriage is strong it will survive. I know if I were to IM train again there would be a lot of 3:00 a.m. trainer rides in the basement.

I know it is tough to see clear when you are in the midst of it. You think something along the lines of "the plan says get that 100 miler in, I got to do it, the plan says...." There really isn't much of that though, a month or 2 right.

Thing is, if it is important to you to give it a try it will be important to your wife. If your training suffers and you DNF then there will be bad feelings. Not all relationships can handle 2 or 3 IM a year or even an IM every year. All relationships are different but I do have tough time imagining a relationship that couldn't sustain at least one IM training cycle.

Anyways, back to me. The irony is that now we have kds my wife seems more tolerate of my 3-6 hour runs then she was of my 6 hour bike rides. But our relationship is more mature than it was 5 years ago, I guess too.

For me, I try to be selfless instead of selfish. I am training for a full in October. I first made sure I had my wife support, 100%.  I always put my wife's running and biking ahead of mine. I let her pick when she wanted to go and I would schedule mine around hers even if that meant really early mornings or late night training. If I spent Saturday morning on a long ride the rest of the day was spent with family. I have pretty much quit watching TV for now. By being selfless in the beginning, I noticed my wife is more prone to let me have the best times for training knowing I will be out there longer. She has pretty much put her training on hold for the rest of the month knowing I am going into the last couple of weeks before the big day. She wants me to be successful and do my best.