DFL - or how to lose a race before the start

well, this was only my second tri.  The first one was 2 weeks ago and I did 'ok'.  3/4 of the way back in all segments and overall.  I trained 4 months for that race.  every day.  I lost 30 pounds and was really really proud of myself. What's different 2 weeks later?  I went on vacation between races - only 6 days with plenty of access to facitilies to continue my training.  But I didn't.  I figured I would just take the 2 weeks off - I mean they talk about tapering, right?  How bad could it be?  I stuck to my good eating habits - even managed to lose weight while we were gone (and we were sitting on the motorcycles for 8+ hours a day).  Got home on Wednesday, race on Saturday.  3 more days of no training, tapering right?  Ya, I know - not how tapering works.  But I convinced myself it was. 

Yesterday and this morning before the race:  I'm nervous, I don't feel ready, I know I've slacked, I convince myself I don't belong out there. 

And my race performance?  Yup.  Sucked Butt.  I was defeated before the horn went off.  Questioned why I was out there.  Questioned my abitily.  Dark cloud over my head.  Can't wait to see pictures, I'm conviced there was a cloud! 

With the horrible swim over, I stumbled through T1 and headed out on the bike.  During the announcements, they talked extensively about the hills on the ride.  Holy Crap.  Ow ow OW!  I ended up walking up 2 different hills.  I tried to keep it quick but I really wasn't ready - physically or mentally - for the hills.  Again, lots of "why am I HERE?!" kind of negative thoughts.  About 7 miles in, I got a flat.  The front at least - but that was the tire we didn't replace.  There's a wire in the rim of the tire that I struggled with on the rear tire when practicing flat repairs at home.  We ended up replacing the rear tire with a 'better' (easier to change) tire but didn't replace the front.  I rode on a flat for .5 miles.  Finally found a decent turn out and changed my mind frame from "Eff this Chit" to "pull your damn self up and knock it off"  I hustled and got the tube changed with far less grief from the tire than I expected and hopped back on the bike for the downhill remainder of the bike portion.  I pushed it hard being (temporarily) back in a positive mind set. 

T2 and my legs were on fire.  God - I'm such a rookie.  There went my positive mind set.  I morphed from "happy" back to "grumpy" faster than you can say Snow White and started walking the run. 

I finished though - thanks in part to a thread I read on BT:  someone said that "DFL>DNF>DNS"  I was at least going to finish.  I couldn't make up enough time on my run but I COULD finish.  Still grumpy and now sore in places I haven't been before, but I was going to finish. 

I was met at the finish line by my son, his friend, and my (newly engaged) fiancee (he proposed on vacation!).  They were thrilled and excited and tried to cheer me up.  I was gloomy though.  And tired.  My thighs were on fire.  My shoulders hurt (apparently grumpy makes me tense my shoulders as well!!).  I just wanted to cry. 

I saw the preliminary results.  858th out of 870 or so.  I think there were still more finishing but seeing my name with only a FEW names following it in finishing order....and nobody to blame but myself. 

I know that as a 'big girl' I can't follow the same training routines as other athletes.  I know that I can't slack off on training and expect to feel as powerful or even capable as I could.  And I know I only have myself to blame for finish.  But I'm not quitting.  I've got all winter to train and come back stronger next year.  And learn that attitude is part of the equation!!