Funny personal stories thread (Page 2)

I grew up in Manhattan and from a very young age took public trans - bus and train - to and from school, which was just off Riverside Drive. One spring day, I was in 5th grade at the time, my mom packed a tunafish sandwhich for lunch which didn't sit too well from the time I ate it. Time to go home. Bus was exceptionally crowded, it was warm, lots of stop and go traffic...The elderly woman in the seat closest to where I was standing was just coming home from Macy's or Bloomingdale's - I forget which she said - wearing a new dress. Somewhere in the vicinity of Broadway and 150thSt. queasyness went from bad to worse and I lost it: Projectile technicolor yawn, with a tuna base, all over the poor thing. She screamed. The driver stopped the bus so I could get off. I resumed puking in the middle of Broadway.

This was 35 years ago and I still hear those screams.

They say those Nalgenes don't hold flavor...

I SO love your mom!  Frickin' AWESOME! 

 

Possibly the most literal athletic team 'walk on' story ever.  I hope you tell everyone that you were a walk-on for men's college basketball team.  Rad.

Here's another:

As a college kid on a summer break I got a job at a store in Paramus, NJ called Kalkin & Co. in the Fashion Center Mall.  It was a high-end home-finishing store that catered to the wealthy in Bergen County.  I don't know why I chose to work there - must have been good money.

One day the actor Chris Elliott from 'Something About Mary' comes in with his wife.  The store was laid out with many different "rooms" deocrated in different ways.  Eugene Kalkin tells me to be their personal salesman and I follow them around answering all of their questions.  Mrs. Elliott fell in love with, of all things, the blue paint color in one of the rooms.  "This is exactly what I've been looking for in the den!  I must know what it is!"  So Kalkin sends the stockboy down to the basement to find the can of paint.  He brings it up and hands it to Kalkin, who, standing right in front of Mrs. Elliott, tips it to read the label.

... Whereby we all discover the hard way that the lid was not secured and the owner of this store proceeds to pour blue paint all over Chris Elliott's wife!  She screamed and Chris looked like he was ready to KILL Eugene Kalkin.  I fell on the floor laughing!  Kalkin hands me his personal credit card and tells me to escort his wife to any shop in the mall to buy new clothes.  She did a fourteen hundred dollars in damage to his card that day!

He actually fired me for laughing, but it was so worth it!

I am a big Chris Elliot fan. "Cabin Boy" got shafted at the Oscars. I also liked his short lived Fox sitcom, something like Get a Life. His dad is funny too.

He didn't strike me as either funny nor approachable with his wife covered in blue paint. 

Man I can STILL hear her scream and the look of fury in his eyes!  Good times man...  Good times.

 

Hmm these college stories remind me of something that happened my freshman year...I am roomed with a guy I have never met before. We split up the space, each choose a bunk and desk etc and from there on out pretty much ignore each other (ok not totally but it is not like we became best friends, lets just say residential life did a poor job choosing roommate for both of us.) anyway along about the end of October on a Friday night I head to bed around 11:30 because I get up at 6:00 am for saturday morning practice. Along about 2:00 am I get woken up by my roommate coming back to the room...with Company. Now whether he did not realize I was there or was just to drunk to care they proceeded to strip naked and climb into bed (luckily I had top bunk.) I spent the next 25 minutes listening to them entertain each other. Well I finally fall asleep, fast forward to 6:00 am. My alarm goes off and I have completely forgotten that the girl is there. I hope off the bunk and proceed to strip to get changed into my practice clothes (Spandex!) I hear something so I turn around in the process of pulling on my shorts and there is the girls, standing there completely naked (and sort of looking like she was still drunk). She smiles at me as I blush and finish pulling up my shorts and asks me where the bathroom was...I tell her as I finish getting ready and she grabs a blanket off the couch and walks out the door. I made sure I had already left for practice before she came back.disclaimer: this may not be that uncommon in certain colleges but I went to a conservatively liberal Lutheran school which had rather strict regulations on boy/girl interactions etc as well as a dry campus.

Not sure if I have posted this story on here before but a number of years ago I was being a good bloke and riding heaps…. Trying to get fit etc..

Well the story goes like this:

Spanner riding his bike with normal shorts ( not bike shorts) and got earphones in and cool glasses lookin like Mr. fantastic Cool Dude ( at least in my mind) has to stop at lights.

There I am looking good and listening to quite loud music pumping through the earphones when this car a cute sheilas pull up next to me. I spy them out of the corner of my eye and see them laughing and carrying on and pointing at me. I think to my self you dickheads.

How pertinent that thought would be in a few moments.

I get ready with the balance thingy ready to take of as soon as that bastard light goes green …..watching the other light … goes red …..3….2….1….Green GO GO GO!

Off I peddle like a rat out of an aqueduct ….. zooming across the intersection before the girls have even got their car in first gear and I am thinking to my self …. I look good …. I am fit …. I am powerful …. When this car of girls pulls up next to me and the passenger yells something at me and points …. Of course I can not hear them due to the loud music and I give them the finger and keep riding…… she yells louder saying something like “ Your Dick is hanging out” or something like that . I think to m self you stupid why cant you do something more constructive” and then they drive off screaming and laughing .

I am still thinking I am Mr. Cool riding along on my flash bike with cool sunnies and earphones until I need to adjust the “old todger” and find …….. him hanging out in the wind!!!!


ARGHHHHHH


Because I am not wearing proper bike shorts and just normal short my jocks did not hold “me” in place.

The problem with this is not so much the girls making fun of me or it being “out” but the fact that I thought I was looking so damn fine.

I went straight to a bike shop and bought my first pair of bike shorts then and there!

Some years ago I was dating a 6' tall blonde Norwegian woman.  We were on our way to a friend's house to go swimming and were dressed accordingly.  She had agreed to pick up some snacks on our way and we stopped at the market.  She was wearing flip flops, a wrap around he waist and a very small bikini top; she could have gotten an invitation to join the swedish bikini team.  Not wanting to waste any time searching for the snack aisle, she marched up to the first stock boy and asked, "Would you show me your nuts?"

I thought the poor kid was going to faint.

My son was born in a small town in Oregon.  The midwife convinced us that circumcision wasn't healthy so we opted against it at birth.  When he was about three years old, he was having problems with infections and urinating and the doc said that he was suffering from a tighted foreskin and recommended circumcision.  Not knowing how to explain it to him very well and being circumcised myself, I figured the easiest way to explain it was to show him mine and tell him that that's what his pee pee would look like after the procedure.

A few days before the surgery, we were on a train headed to the hospital for pre-op testing.  Seated across from us were two elderly Nuns who were making faces and asking him if he was going to the zoo.  He said, "No.  I'm going for surgery and when they're done my pee pee is going to be (holding his hands out at arms length) REALLY BIG just like my Dads."

A brief search of the almost empty train car revealed no places to crawl into and hide.

Oh gawd Kids ..... love them dearly and they pay you back like that.

My Mother always tells a story about me when I was two years old. Apprently I used to like watching the toilet flush ... small things fascinate kids for all you people who are kiddless.

Any way I went in to the toilet with a freind of my fathers who was a big man in many ways. I came out at the end of the flush shouting that Franks wee wee was much bigger than daddy's ... in a house full of guests at a dinner party.

No wonder my relationship with Dad had turned sour!!

And here's the rural NH version of that story:

Other day, I'm driving home from work, so it's like 7:30 a.m. or so. The road is not the busiest, but certainly gets steady traffic, mostly from blue collar workers going to various blue collar jobs around the area (loggers, construction, Manly Rural Jobs, etc.). Come around a corner to see a car stopped on the side of the road. Woman is behind the car. Big construction-body 350/450 truck is slowing down in front of me to make sure she's okay (we do that here in rural NH). When we both see what mom is doing behind said car on the side of said somewhat-busy commuting route: holding toddler under the arms, pants stripped down to the ankles, kid using the gravel toilet. The truck pulled away mighty speedily, and I laughed so freakin' hard! I'm fairly sure kid wasn't doing #1, either! I wanted to yell out the window, "We have bushes for that business, you know!" I laughed so hard - both at the kid & mom and the surely-blushing truck driver - that I had tears in my eyes.

Next story:

I'm in Australia on a farm stay. We'd gotten a big tour of the several-hundred-acre farm, gone out and driven through the cow pastures, had a picnic lunch by the side of the dry river, etc. We get back to the house and all of us are taking turns on the 4-wheeler. Most of us had never ridden a 4-wheeler before, so we were pretty psyched to be literally halfway around the world from our parents and given the keys to fun! I kept getting bumped for rides because everyone wanted to ride together. I waited, and waited, and was finally the last to go. Heh, I totally took advantage of that, and headed off down the dirt road, all by myself. I was in pure heaven. After two and a half weeks of non-stop people, people, people, I was so thrilled to be out there all by myself. I just kept going, and going, and going.

Finally, I come to the place where we'd turned to get to the picnic site. I thought it would be pretty cool to go play down on the riverbanks (there was a 4-wheeler track down there). So I pop open the gate and head on into the pasture. About 10.3 seconds later, I realize two things. #1: I am *in* the pasture, as in, nothing between me and the cows... #2...and I find this out as the bull, which I had previously not noticed, starts snorting, stamping...and charging! Holy mother-f'ing sh*t, was I scared! I was maybe three or four miles from the house, no one knew where I was, and I was about to get trampled by a VERY pi$$ed off bull! I learned the turning radius and top speed of the 4-wheeler just about simultaneously, and actually ended up riding cross country and not to the gate I'd come through because I was too scared to stop with that bull on my tail. Fortunately, he decided I wasn't coming after his girls and left me alone, I found a gate, and high-tailed it home just in time for the burgers to come off the grill.

I stepped off that 4-wheeler with a huge grin, and never did tell a soul on that trip about my adventure!

This was very similar to an experience I had a couple of years ago. My son was 3 and we were in a checkout line at publix (grocery store). He had made up a new word that week and loved using it. So he asked me rather loudly, "Daddy, why is your pee-pee so 'gynormous'?" I told him I don't know, but be sure to tell everyone you know. Soon after that my wife took him for his first eye appointment. Dr. says he has 2020 vision.