Now this was the type of swim of which I'd dreamed,
it was so thrilled, in my pants I almost creamed.
They had to change from a wading start,
Because the Coast Guard had a brain fart.
Off we ran into the tide,
Down the channel we went spread far and spread wide.
We came to the `wiggly man' on the big boat,
A left turn we made, to the dock we could float.
I went down that channel as fast as could be,
But no matter how I tried I still couldn't pee.

I'd definitely urinate in my wet suit,
And if I could've, I would've texted myself to boot.

I grabbed my bag after a 400-yard run,
Made my way into the tent, which wasn't much fun.
Naked dudes everywhere, Rynamite would like,
But instead I just wanted to be on my bike.
I was right by the entrance, so some ladies I'd flashed,
Made sure I had everything, I was off in a dash,

Nothing it went off pretty quick,
In the changing room you see too much d***.

Started the bike and my spirits were high,
I just wondered at what mile I'd crash and die.
Got out to 20 and had to pee,
Made water and grabbed water as fast as could be.
Nutrition was great -- Infinit and Roctane Gu,
An uncrustable and nutrition bar was good to you-know-who.
Miles 30 and 40 and 50 went and came,
I was feeling quite good, legs and head playin' A-game.
At 60 I wanted that special needs bag,
Because I didn't want to be found dead by the SAG.
It finally arrived at sixty-five,
And into my crap did I dive,
Reserve Infinit that I'd never use,
Some Endurolytes and Gu, how could I refuse?
Mile 70 came and then we hit 80,
I admit my legs were feeling at bit weighty.
Then we turned into the wind,
To deserve this I must've sinned.
The last 30 miles, me no likey,
It's amazing want a little wind can do to your psyche.
I hammered it out, to get off the bike,
Looking forward to my 26.2 hike.
I passed miles 90, 100 and then,
I saw the battleship, a most-deserved godsend.
I came over the bridge without losing my guts,
Knowing that maybe I'd again feel my nuts.

Not a thing I can think of, except expect wind and hills,
The course wasn't as flat as posted on all bills.
The wind nearly killed me, I was in a bad place,
But I knew at the battleship, is when I'd start the race.

I chilled out here and took a sec,
And looked through my bag to my things second check.
I got on the onesie, visor and shoes,
But forgot the Garmin and my Roctane Gus.


Get the Gu and the Endurolytes and of course the Garmin watch,
I didn't care, though, cuz I finally had feeling in my crotch.

I ran out of T2 and quickly caught Browndog,
My legs were strong, didn't feel like a log.
We ran the first half in about 9s,
Slowing at aid stations, flying by mile signs.
At the halfway point, I was starting to tire,
My head felt like crap and my quads were on fire,
Doug took off from the halfway stop,
I caught him at 15 but soon me he would drop.
I made to 18, which is when things went south,
I was sick in the stomach and dry in the mouth.
I walked through the water stop and thought `No not now.'
`You'd better find it somewhere and somehow.'
I started to shuffle, it was such a slow gait,
But I knew that the ironman for noone will wait.
I picked it up and started feeling better,
I had strong legs and my nutrition down to the letter.
At mile 22 I knew that I would have to walk,
I was starting to feel woozy and it was very hard to talk.
I walk-ran those two miles, sure I was done,
And thought `Oh wait, this is supposed to be fun???'
I made it to 24 and hurt from my head to my tush,
And thought to myself, `give one finaly push!'
I loaded up on chicken broth, so good!
And made my way to the finish as strong as I could.
I blew my slower people, energized to be done,
And then I rememered, `Hey, yeah, this IS fun!!!'
I rounded the corner at mile twenty-six,
Past the college girls, the swamp-smelling gas coming from the sticks.
I saw Robyn and was relieved to be there,
I picked up the pace with nary a care.
I turned down the last chute, a grin on my face.
An ironman I was, and oh what a chase.
I crossed line and gave a shout out to mom.
Without her I wouldn't be here, cuz she was the bomb.
I got my medal and hugged the catcher girl,
She was like 60 and basically asked if I wanted to go for a whirl.
I said I was too tired to fu**,
But if I wasn't I'd definitely be in luck.


Maybe not start so danged fast,
Then I know I would last.
But really at 'thons I face at twenty-two,
So no crying, no sobbing, no unhappy boo-hoo.

I walked around and finally found Robyn,
had a slice of 'za, my head was a'throbbin.
She'd packed up my stuff and brought car,
WE took a nice walk that wasn't very far.
Went to the room and got some foods.
I was out soon after, like I was on queludes.


I could've gone faster if I had more in the tank,
But I did the best I could, so many to thank.
Robyn, of course, for being a sherpa so great,
And Barb for being my swimming mate.
And Lindsey and Ames for talking me down,
When I was ready to quit, when I was afrown.
Of course all my BT pals, from Trixie to Preach,
'Kidoman and Crowny, and Wavedog, they're all such a peach,
Advice from Jim C. and Fill and Bob Stocks,
I can't tell you how much you guys rock.
To all my friends in TAN, it's been pure elation,
And who could forget my friends in the DONKEY NATION!
To Whizzz and Rudedog and Kristin and Schmize,
I couldn't have made it without ALL of you guys!

So thanks very much to all of you crazy nuts!
I couldn't have made without your dumb butts!



If I could change a couple things,
It'd be to be more spectator friendly, and have better bling.
What great weather, great people and a great race,
If I had to recommend, I'd say definitely come to this place!

Sadly I got no official times for swim or for bike,
I should've cheated on the Felt and the hike,
I could've done better that way,
But all in all I was very happy with my day.