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2009-11-23 4:09 PM
in reply to: #2527476

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Regardless of the reasons, I feel for you.  The only advice I have is that you have to focus on yourself to get through this time.  That said, be sure to slow down during training and enjoy the experience!  At the end of the day, that's what this lifestyle is about for most of us.

My wife had a hard time understanding the allure of triathlon until I got her involved.  Now we train and race together and it has helped us grow together.  I'm certain the next year will present some challenges as I get ready for IM LOU 2010 but we'll get through them.  (And she'll be on the calendar for a 2011 IM of her choosing, so there'll be payback!)

Best of luck to you!  My thoughts are with you!


2009-11-23 4:22 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Renee had it right, emotional connection. 

It's not what kind of activities the person is doing.  It's that she felt neglected.  Apprently she tried to communicate but the OP was too focused on his training to hear her.  

Imagine this
A: let's take a vacation in the summer
B: Can't.  There is a prject deadline at work at that time.
A: It's been a while we did something fun together, let's go to the movie this wekend
B:  Sorry, I have to be at work.
A:  how about going out for dinner tonight.
B:  I am too tired to go out.  
...

substitute work with triathlon, or any kind of hobby. 
If someone only focuses on what is important to him but not to his partner, I would divorce him, too.  What is more important?  A hobby/work or your family? 

I am not writing this to scold the OP, but to point out people have different values.  It's a pity the OP and his wife aren't compatible in this regard. 

To the OP:  good luck to you, whatever the outcome is. 
2009-11-23 4:22 PM
in reply to: #2527821

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Having your partner physically present but emotionally absent leaves you feeling abandoned. It's a horrible feeling.


My God, you are so right.  At least theres no kids involved,,,,having that and to push thru stay-together pressure can be overwhelming.

jamesehatcher, hang in there bro, you're going to be way better off without this one in the long run. Way better off.
2009-11-23 4:26 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Sorry to hear about the situation...whether it's triathlon, underlying issues or all of the above it's a sad thing to see so I can only say I'm sorry and hopefully it makes you a stronger person.

To everyone else analyzing this, jumping to conclusions, giving advice on what he can do: I think people should leave it at 'I'm sorry'.  None of us know the whole story, and even if the OP took the time to write it all out we still wouldn't know the whole story.  Maybe it's just me but I think armchair quarterbacking a relationship that none of us know anything about is foolish. 
2009-11-23 4:34 PM
in reply to: #2527848

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
D.K. - 2009-11-23 5:22 PM Renee had it right, emotional connection. 




Thanks, but just to be clear, the OP said it himself. I was merely relating to the pain of having an emotionally distant partner, as well as empathizing with the pain of divorce.

"the time I have CHOSEN to spend away from my wife (physically but more importantly emotionaly) has forced her to make one of the hardest decisions of her life."

 
2009-11-23 4:52 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Man I'm sorry to hear this. It's always tough to balance things, but if you still love each other doesn't seem like you should end it just yet (I wouldn't...)Best of luck man.


2009-11-23 6:50 PM
in reply to: #2527906

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea


I am very sorry you are in this position, but by posting I think you have potentially performed a very beneficial service for many (most?) of us.

For my two irons ('04 and '05), I trained very hard and worried, at times, that at key points on the weekends I might be "out of touch" - definitely physically/spatially/temporally, and maybe other ways as well? But for us (now married 35 years), it never became a big problem; it was never really even contentious.

Since going iron-less for 4 years now, however, I feel much less potential guilt than I felt in '04 and '05. And, admittedly, being retired has opened up a whole new world of training options.......but even having those has not tempted me to go back to serious iron training. It is just that much easier to spend time with my wife when there aren't so many "crucial" long workouts to complete. (Having said that, however, I AM giving some thought to an iron next season!)

It has also helped, over the years, that my wife canoes avidly and is often away herself on weekend and week-long trips. Did your wife have any hobbies/pursuits of her own? I cannot imagine spending all the time I do on triathlon if my wife did not have serious interests of her own -- of which canoeing is just one.

As a Type A triathlete, I have found equal satisfaction in shorter stuff -- sprints, olys, half-irons. I do not understand the "iron is everything" approach that is so prevalent nowadays, and I hope that your post makes some people realize that there are degrees of involvement in this stuff that can be heavily challenging without the marriage-defying commitment of iron training.

Best of luck to you as you move onward from this point. And I think you're right when you suggest that some of the mental toughness you acquired through iron-training will help you as you struggle with what has happened.

2009-11-23 10:47 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Just another point of view on this topic-

I recently left my SO after 4 years.  I have always been active and tri-training didn't seem to change the amount of time i had for our relatoinship, and he was always encouraging.  Then he decided to get back into weight lifting, and basically checked out of the relationship.  I lift a few days a week too but he refused to go to the gym with me because it would disturb his "routine".  He starting taking every overtime shift he could and by the end it was 6 days a week of working out 7-8am, job from 8:30-6pm gym again from 6;30-930 and not home till 10pm where he promptly drank a beer and fell asleep.  Sundays were useless, he needed to catch up on sleep he said.  After a few months i threw in the towel.  Come to find out he said sorry but he knew he was checking out mentally and couldn't figure out how to tell me he wanted us to be over.

Communication skills are definitely something valuable.  It should be taught to all boys and girls.
2009-11-23 11:48 PM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Take care of yourself man. 
2009-11-24 12:09 AM
in reply to: #2527867

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Brownie28 - 2009-11-23 6:26 PM
To everyone else analyzing this, jumping to conclusions, giving advice on what he can do: I think people should leave it at 'I'm sorry'.  None of us know the whole story, and even if the OP took the time to write it all out we still wouldn't know the whole story.  Maybe it's just me but I think armchair quarterbacking a relationship that none of us know anything about is foolish. 


           Yup. A voice of reason.
2009-11-24 7:56 AM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea

James is a good guy, and y'all are being a bit tough with your "advice".

 



2009-11-24 8:14 AM
in reply to: #2528621

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
I've gotten into trouble with saying this in a different fashion before ..... but to me, airing out relationship issues on a public triathlon forum is not something I would consider to be that sound of a thing to do.  While it is unfortunate that the OP is going through what has to be one of the hardest aspects of life, it is really between he and his soon-to-be-ex.  Yes, people do it all the time as it is an outlet to vent frustrations (even I have done it).  Doesn't mean it is a smart thing to do.

It is entirely based on personal experiences and opinions as to how his posts are "interpreted" and advice taken.  Some give it a "I hear you and sympathize."  Others will give the "If this is the straw that supposedly broke the camel's back then there were a hell of a lot of other things going wrong."

And I do not think people are being harsh.  They are being honest with their opinions.  It is not as if the OP said his beloved pet died, which is when the only thing someone could and should offer is their sympathy.  Unless I am reading it wrong, the OP is in a relationship that is not working and puts a lot of the blame on a hobby (that benefits his life and health which in turn I think would HELP the relationship).  So as a result, people are going to offer their opinions on the what and why.  If he didn't want the opinions, he should/would not have posted it here .... in my worthless opinion.
2009-11-24 8:19 AM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you two can come to an amicable resolution(whether it's being together or apart). This is a good reminder about keeping life in perspective and learning a balance to your lifestyle.
2009-11-24 8:22 AM
in reply to: #2528661

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Daremo - 2009-11-24 9:14 AM I've gotten into trouble with saying this in a different fashion before ..... but to me, airing out relationship issues on a public triathlon forum is not something I would consider to be that sound of a thing to do.  While it is unfortunate that the OP is going through what has to be one of the hardest aspects of life, it is really between he and his soon-to-be-ex.  Yes, people do it all the time as it is an outlet to vent frustrations (even I have done it).  Doesn't mean it is a smart thing to do.

It is entirely based on personal experiences and opinions as to how his posts are "interpreted" and advice taken.  Some give it a "I hear you and sympathize."  Others will give the "If this is the straw that supposedly broke the camel's back then there were a hell of a lot of other things going wrong."

And I do not think people are being harsh.  They are being honest with their opinions.  It is not as if the OP said his beloved pet died, which is when the only thing someone could and should offer is their sympathy.  Unless I am reading it wrong, the OP is in a relationship that is not working and puts a lot of the blame on a hobby (that benefits his life and health which in turn I think would HELP the relationship).  So as a result, people are going to offer their opinions on the what and why.  If he didn't want the opinions, he should/would not have posted it here .... in my worthless opinion.



It has happened again; we agree.
2009-11-24 8:27 AM
in reply to: #2524249

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
To post this take some serious strength and commend you for that. I really hope the two of you can work things out, if nothing else, maintain the good friendship that you obviously have.

I'm blessing my lucky star every day, as training actually brings me and my wife closer. Yes, it does take some flexibility and compromises (and sacrifices), but over the last year, we have found ways to train together, either by doing intervals at the same time/place, long runs together (I usually toss in a faster run before or after to get that little extra out of it), long bike rides where I pull most of the time, etc. etc. We have also agreed never to race at the same time. When she has a race, I'm there to fully support her with anything she needs. She's doing exactly the same thing for me.

As you so clearly pointed out, make sure communication happens before it is too late and never forget to listen.
2009-11-25 9:05 AM
in reply to: #2528661

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Subject: RE: A Heartfelt Plea
Daremo - 2009-11-24 8:14 AM I've gotten into trouble with saying this in a different fashion before ..... but to me, airing out relationship issues on a public triathlon forum is not something I would consider to be that sound of a thing to do.  While it is unfortunate that the OP is going through what has to be one of the hardest aspects of life, it is really between he and his soon-to-be-ex.  Yes, people do it all the time as it is an outlet to vent frustrations (even I have done it).  Doesn't mean it is a smart thing to do.

It is entirely based on personal experiences and opinions as to how his posts are "interpreted" and advice taken.  Some give it a "I hear you and sympathize."  Others will give the "If this is the straw that supposedly broke the camel's back then there were a hell of a lot of other things going wrong."

And I do not think people are being harsh.  They are being honest with their opinions.  It is not as if the OP said his beloved pet died, which is when the only thing someone could and should offer is their sympathy.  Unless I am reading it wrong, the OP is in a relationship that is not working and puts a lot of the blame on a hobby (that benefits his life and health which in turn I think would HELP the relationship).  So as a result, people are going to offer their opinions on the what and why.  If he didn't want the opinions, he should/would not have posted it here .... in my worthless opinion.


Darmeo,

I couldn't agree with you anymore.  I honestly didn't make this post looking for advice or sympathy or trying to air my relationship out.  I was simply relating that my training  had SOME but not all impact on the deterioration of my marriage.  The point of the post was to help others recognize early on if training becomes an issue in a personal relationship and to address it.  Honestly, we had many more issues than just my training, but I will not get into all of that. 
We are having better conversations now than we have in the last two years, and I am thankful for that.  That said, we both have agreed that the relationship can not be salvaged and we are going to move on in our lives as friends but not husband and wife. 

Thank you all again for the kind words and support and I do appreciate the BT Community. 


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