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2010-05-27 10:32 PM

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Subject: spanners friday funnies - 28/05/2010

Some more email jokes sent to me for your enjoyment.





Wife from hell

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

 

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

 

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

 

 

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

 

====================

 

 

 

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

 

 

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

 

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

 

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

 

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

 

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

=========================

Update on Cinderella

 

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

 

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

 

 

 

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

 

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

 

 

'The Prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

 

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

 

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

 

 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

 

And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

 

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental

a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

 

The Fairy Godmother said,

'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

 

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

 

 

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

 

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

 

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

 

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off

 

===============================

Wife 1.0 (Upgraded)

 

Dear Tech Support:

 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

 

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.7 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

 

Please help!!!!!!

 

THE REPLY:

 

Dear Troubled User:

 

This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment program”.

 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.

 

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to disallow this.

 

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

 

I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs).” You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF’s are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.

 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.

 

You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

 

WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

Only option is to Format C:

 

Even then Kids 1.9 still seems to pop up all the time.



2010-05-28 2:58 AM
in reply to: #2887721

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Subject: RE: spanners friday funnies - 28/05/2010
Sat observing a training course to certify an instructor and trying very, very hard not to burst out laughing, man they are funny.
Bravo sir, Bravo!!
2010-05-28 7:31 AM
in reply to: #2887721

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Subject: RE: spanners friday funnies - 28/05/2010
Great job Spanner, I love the wife jokes. I need to print those and post them for my wife. hahaha
2010-05-28 7:35 AM
in reply to: #2887821

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Subject: RE: spanners friday funnies - 28/05/2010
Love the blind cowboy one.  Oldie, but a goodie.
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