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2010-06-12 2:59 PM


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Subject: bipolar to tripolar
Hello everyone.
I am fairly new to this site and to triathlon training.  I also apologize up front for the length of this post.

One and a half years ago I was depressed, suicidal and unsure of anything in life.  I was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed as bipolar 2.  I started to take lithium, which helped but also made me gain about 15 pounds in a year, I could live with that.  About one year after my first hospital visit I was there again, added seoquel to my medications and  was out again after a week.  Seroquel made me gain 25 pounds in 3 months!  now 40 over my normal weight I was feeling down again, not from my disease but from the meds I take for my disease.
March of this year I was talking to a marathon runner from work, I mention I used to swim competitively when i was younger and that I had done some tri relays and my teams were successful, having won 2 of 3 we entered.  He thought it would be a great idea to find a biker and enter one...uh oh  its been 10 years since I swam.  
Queue the swim training.  My first night at the pool i wanted to challenge myself and do 2000m  I ended up doing 2500 in an hour and felt great...a little sore the next day, but great.  I kept upping my distance until i hit the 4k mark and added minimum 500m to 1k kicking to the mix, and also pulling and a few drills.  
Feeling comfortable in the water, I get all crazy and think I can do a triathlon on my own.  I already bike to work, I say.  8k a day total...and my runner friend says 2-3 months to get up to a 10k run.  
I start my bike training with a 48k ride on my old clunky mountain bike and do it, slow but well.
Running i started with a run to and from work mid week.  I sure didnt run the whole way those first few weeks. 
I found BT, researched like MAD!, hung out at the LBS and picked my marathon buddies brain.
Biking and running progress, I buy a new bike, a specialized secteur (just a triple, nothing fancy). Get some clothes and other equipment, aero bars, clipless pedals.  Make a schedule and train train train.  I have lost 30 of those darn 40 pounds in about 2.5 months of tri training, i am eating better than ever before and feeling great.  Still on the same metabolism slowing meds too!
I have signed up for 2 tri's as well as a relay with my friends.  First race is july 25th in Huntsville.  a long course race, consisting of 2k in the water, 55k bike and a 15 k run.  second race is in september, an olympic in wasaga that will be my "a" race.  
My training as of right now is 4k swim(my strongest so least practiced), 200k bike, 40k run a week (aprox. depends on my time) 3 core workouts and 2 sessions a week of weights (minimal weight) for a total of about 13 hours a week.  This is less than 3 months from the first time I dove back into the water.  I just ran 16.5 k in one shot and have a 2 hour run this week.  I have been running once a week with my marathon friend and he has me down to a 48 minute 10k and says the way i am progressing i will do that off the bike in september for sure.  I can bike my 40k in 1:15 without that hard of a push. *dreaming of a sub 2:30 first olympic*  I know newbies are supposed to be happy with just a finish, but I am pushing like stink to do as best i can.  I am not intimidated by the distances at all.  I have to strength (now only because i found tri training) to do whatever I think I can do.  
 You will all see me around here, I am here to stay.
yours truly
tripolar, Jon 


2010-06-12 4:05 PM
in reply to: #2917569

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
wow...thanks for sharing...keep at it.
2010-06-14 7:44 AM
in reply to: #2917569


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Thanks coach! I will.
2010-06-14 7:55 AM
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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
well done Jon! I also take a metabolism slowing drug, a beta blocker, and when I first went on it I ramped up 40 pounds, and I know how hard it is too lose that. It's like complete starvation mode!

That makes the losing the pounds an even bigger accomplishment, so well done, and have a great season!
2010-06-15 8:07 PM
in reply to: #2919596


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Thank you! It is terribly hard to lose the weight when on drugs like that.  geez its hard enough without the drugs.
I hope to have a great season and wish you all the best too!
2010-06-17 4:43 PM
in reply to: #2924142

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Congratulations and keep up the excellent work!!  As you can guess from my screen name, I'm also bipolar.  I tried lithium but had side effects, so now I'm on Seroquel as well as some antidepressants.  I also have type 2 diabetes, which doesn't help!

I did my first (and so far only) triathlon a couple years ago.  Last year I finished my first metric century.  I kind of fell out of training since then, but am starting to get back into it again now, as well as some strength training (which I've never done before).

Anyway, welcome to BT!  Stories like yours are very inspiring, and I hope you stick around and contribute!  BT is a great community!



2010-06-17 7:01 PM
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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Welcome!

I am also bipolar or, different, I like to say.   5 yrs diagnosed, with two hospital stays.   I also am on Seroquel, a high dose of mood stabilizer and an antidepressant.  I'm fit, and my wt is stable, but I'd like to what I would wt if not on meds! 

Been doing tri for 5+ years. 

You have a great story - keep at it!!   I'm a big believer in exercise and its theraputic possiblities! 
2010-06-18 7:42 PM
in reply to: #2917569


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Thanks a lot tri and fro.  Your messages were very kind.  
Its a shock to me to see others taking seroquel, surprised me totally. 
About exercise being therapeutic, I cant believe more bipolars dont use it as a treatment.  It is THE BEST thing I have found for my depression and it is amazing to keep the mania at bay.  I am glad i found exercise.
Thanks again guys, lets keep in touch about our seasons and our bp.
Jon 
2010-06-30 11:48 AM
in reply to: #2917569


7

Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Hi I'm new to this forum. I am struggling right now with my bipolar disorder like never before. I used to be an elite triathlete (PR 4:02 at the 70.3 distance with a 2:00:02 last year at the Olympic distance) and have been battling with myself since November 2007 to stay in the sport on so many occasions in spite of winning a handful of races and a number of podium finishes.

I am at a complete loss. I can't seem to get back into a rhythm again. I love the sport and it used to be my panacea for all things depression and anxiety. I am a good athlete, I know that, and I used to be such a hard worker riding up to 5 hours a day during certain training blocks. I used to have goals to become professional, and it just is killing me to see all of my dreams dying day by day. I went from training about 15-20 hours a week to maybe 4 sessions a week, sometimes less, and I am ashamed and loathe myself right now.

I seem to have no energy in spite of the lamectol I've been taking for the last eight months.  I have pulled out of so many races weeks before because I feel like I am nothing and will not achieve anything.  I am so sure of this that it is crippling, both in training and racing. I spent 550 dollars on registration for an Ironman hoping that I would be motivated once I was medicated, but ended up pulling out of that too, with flights being canceled and over a 1000 dollars down the drain. 

I am supposed to race next week in a sprint, just trying to ease back into things, but I am so scared right now even though I won the same race last year and two years before that. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel so worthless and I just want to quit so bad and it is literally killing me because I am losing what I love in life. I need some support, no doubt, and this is a cry for help. I am at a complete stalemate with myself. Do I quit and give in? How can I find the strength to go on with this sport when every day is a challenge???! 

I have not come out to anyone about this really except for a coach who, while manic, I insulted on a slowtwitch forum and treated with disrespect and ingratitude. I am ashamed to be sick, and I'm ashamed to be so weak and I hate myself for not showing more dedication to the sport and for lashing out at people with verbal abuse. I am praying to God for some answers so I can get my life back, although ironically I attempted to take it two weeks ago.

I'm sorry to make such a long post. I guess I needed to vent. I hope there is an answer out there- I keep hitting bottom and I'm supposed to try to live, but I feel like time is running out.

2010-06-30 1:16 PM
in reply to: #2953261

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
bb_boogie - 2010-06-30 9:48 AM Hi I'm new to this forum. I am struggling right now with my bipolar disorder like never before. I used to be an elite triathlete (PR 4:02 at the 70.3 distance with a 2:00:02 last year at the Olympic distance) and have been battling with myself since November 2007 to stay in the sport on so many occasions in spite of winning a handful of races and a number of podium finishes.

I am at a complete loss. I can't seem to get back into a rhythm again. I love the sport and it used to be my panacea for all things depression and anxiety. I am a good athlete, I know that, and I used to be such a hard worker riding up to 5 hours a day during certain training blocks. I used to have goals to become professional, and it just is killing me to see all of my dreams dying day by day. I went from training about 15-20 hours a week to maybe 4 sessions a week, sometimes less, and I am ashamed and loathe myself right now.

I seem to have no energy in spite of the lamectol I've been taking for the last eight months.  I have pulled out of so many races weeks before because I feel like I am nothing and will not achieve anything.  I am so sure of this that it is crippling, both in training and racing. I spent 550 dollars on registration for an Ironman hoping that I would be motivated once I was medicated, but ended up pulling out of that too, with flights being canceled and over a 1000 dollars down the drain. 

I am supposed to race next week in a sprint, just trying to ease back into things, but I am so scared right now even though I won the same race last year and two years before that. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel so worthless and I just want to quit so bad and it is literally killing me because I am losing what I love in life. I need some support, no doubt, and this is a cry for help. I am at a complete stalemate with myself. Do I quit and give in? How can I find the strength to go on with this sport when every day is a challenge???! 

I have not come out to anyone about this really except for a coach who, while manic, I insulted on a slowtwitch forum and treated with disrespect and ingratitude. I am ashamed to be sick, and I'm ashamed to be so weak and I hate myself for not showing more dedication to the sport and for lashing out at people with verbal abuse. I am praying to God for some answers so I can get my life back, although ironically I attempted to take it two weeks ago.

I'm sorry to make such a long post. I guess I needed to vent. I hope there is an answer out there- I keep hitting bottom and I'm supposed to try to live, but I feel like time is running out.




Hi BB, and welcome!  I think you'll find that this is a very supportive community, and I commend you on reaching out.  It definitely sounds like you're in a rough spot, and I think it's important that you get some professional help.  Since you said you're taking Lamictal, I assume you have a psychiatrist that prescribes it for you?  I'd see him again, if I were you, and state unequivocally that you're having lots of trouble with depression.  Thinking a lot about suicide, and especially attempting it, are clear signs, and you shouldn't ignore them.  (FYI, I myself am also bipolar, and while I take a mood stabilizer similar to lamictal, it's not enough to always keep the depression at bay -- so I also take an antidepressant.)

But I also want you to know there is always reason to be hopeful!  Many many people have experienced your level of anxiety and have fully recovered, so try not to despair.  I myself have been crippled by depression several times in the past, for different lengths of time, but have healed.  So can you.  It's important to understand that when you're depressed, your thinking is askew, and not normal, and you'll have a strong tendency to view everything very negatively.  This truly is just your mind playing tricks on you, I promise.  The world isn't quite so bleak, thankfully.

If you'd like to connect with other folks here with anxiety issues, check out this thread in particular:  http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/discussion/forums/thread-view.asp?tid=109489&start=601&posts=605 .  If you post your story, folks will definitely offer their support and encouragement.  A big issue with anxiety disorders is that people end up feeling so alone, and are embarrassed to bring it up.  But you AREN'T alone, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in what you are dealing with.

Also, please feel free to send me a private message, if you'd like, and I'll be happy to offer any additional help that I can.  But like I said, you very much need to see your psychiatrist ASAP to get some help for your depression.

Stay strong!
2010-06-30 2:58 PM
in reply to: #2953261

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Hey

I'm also bipolar (3 years and counting, one hospital stay and on Sodium Valproate). When you said "I am at a complete loss. I can't seem to get back into a rhythm again. I love the sport and it used to be my panacea for all things depression and anxiety. I am a good athlete, I know that, and I used to be such a hard worker riding up to 5 hours a day during certain training blocks. I used to have goals to become professional, and it just is killing me to see all of my dreams dying day by day. I went from training about 15-20 hours a week to maybe 4 sessions a week, sometimes less, and I am ashamed and loathe myself right now" I think I know what you are feeling.

It is not right that you feel this way - bipolar does not mean an end to your athletic future - look at Graham Obree or Ilie Nastase!  Your bipolarity - the depressive side -  is making you think this way. The whole diagnosis and subsequent stages of acceptance and learning to live with this is and will make you doubt yourself and you do need to be very frank with your psych/team. Ask them if its possible to try some other meds or to adjust the dosage perhaps? I was originally on stuff that made me into a zombie and I thought I'd better not argue with them or I'd be committed ( I know Embarassed it was all part of the initial acceptance period urgh...) but they tried me on this stuff (Sodium Valproate) and its worked a treat. When you get your meds right, you will feel how you love to feel again. Its a little tempered with me now but the drive and the force and the ambition is back again.  I'm rebuilding my confidence and getting rid of the last 6 or 7lbs weight and  I'm back in the game. Right now I'm starting as you are - easing back into things  - I'm on a basic program from this site for duathlon - and yes, its hard and its annoying to start over and I'm due to run on Sunday 4th as part of a UK Coastal Relay and I'm scared soooo much but I'm learning to accept that some parts of what I think aren't 'me' and just to ignore them. I want so badly to pull out. I want to ignore the coordination emails and the text messages from the other runners. I want to make an excuse but I'm not going to this time. Noone is going to laugh because I'm on 11 minute miles at the moment when I used to crank out 6 or 7 on a slow day. I'm not useless, I'm not pathetic, I'm not a failure. Yup, bipolarity can hamper us and yup, having to take meds that mean we have to work around that but damn, we're not going to let this condition be everything we are, its only a part of who we are.

I know it sounds a bit 'hell yeah' and you're probably sat there thinking 'what the hell does she/anyone know' but I had people say the same thing to me when I was in pretty much the same state as you and though I hated them at the time, they were right Cool


Edited by hoojee 2010-06-30 3:02 PM


2010-07-01 9:29 AM
in reply to: #2917569


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Hoojee and Tripolar,

Thank you so much for replying to my thread. It helps so much to hear people who know what I"m talking about. Growing up no one really took me seriously, so I guess it's easy to loathe yourself when you feel like maybe you're full of sh#$ and you're a weakling for being out of control. I think I've turned into a control freak because I'm ashamed, and that too has sucked the vitality away.

I will  commit to doing the race next weekend per your recommendations, no matter how well or poorly I do. Of course I pray for a miracle, like last year when I was having the same problems but somehow won it with pretty much zero training. Maybe if I do well I will have more faith and hope. But I know all too well that happiness can be so ephemeral and fleeting and the  post-race depression will come.

Again, thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me. Although you are not acquaintances I see every day, you give me hope. And maybe that's all I need to make something out of this life and get through this.

I have to tell you that I'm not religious, but you guys are making me believe because your responses coincided with Versus showing "The Flying Scotsman" last night on TV. I literally turned on the TV with no idea that it would be on, saw the opening credits,  and said to my fiancee,
"Oh sh$%- what a fu&*$#@ coincidence". It gives me the chills that a film about Graeme Obree came on when I was in complete and utter distress.

2010-07-01 12:00 PM
in reply to: #2955555

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
because your responses coincided with Versus showing "The Flying Scotsman" last night on TV. I literally turned on the TV with no idea that it would be on, saw the opening credits,  and said to my fiancee,
"Oh sh$%- what a fu&*$#@ coincidence". It gives me the chills that a film about Graeme Obree came on when I was in complete and utter distress.

No way! Thats so weird ha ha! Laughing

2010-07-01 9:04 PM
in reply to: #2953951

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
hoojee - 2010-06-30 12:58 PM Hey

I'm also bipolar (3 years and counting, one hospital stay and on Sodium Valproate). When you said "I am at a complete loss. I can't seem to get back into a rhythm again. I love the sport and it used to be my panacea for all things depression and anxiety. I am a good athlete, I know that, and I used to be such a hard worker riding up to 5 hours a day during certain training blocks. I used to have goals to become professional, and it just is killing me to see all of my dreams dying day by day. I went from training about 15-20 hours a week to maybe 4 sessions a week, sometimes less, and I am ashamed and loathe myself right now" I think I know what you are feeling.

It is not right that you feel this way - bipolar does not mean an end to your athletic future - look at Graham Obree or Ilie Nastase!  Your bipolarity - the depressive side -  is making you think this way. The whole diagnosis and subsequent stages of acceptance and learning to live with this is and will make you doubt yourself and you do need to be very frank with your psych/team. Ask them if its possible to try some other meds or to adjust the dosage perhaps? I was originally on stuff that made me into a zombie and I thought I'd better not argue with them or I'd be committed ( I know Embarassed it was all part of the initial acceptance period urgh...) but they tried me on this stuff (Sodium Valproate) and its worked a treat. When you get your meds right, you will feel how you love to feel again. Its a little tempered with me now but the drive and the force and the ambition is back again.  I'm rebuilding my confidence and getting rid of the last 6 or 7lbs weight and  I'm back in the game. Right now I'm starting as you are - easing back into things  - I'm on a basic program from this site for duathlon - and yes, its hard and its annoying to start over and I'm due to run on Sunday 4th as part of a UK Coastal Relay and I'm scared soooo much but I'm learning to accept that some parts of what I think aren't 'me' and just to ignore them. I want so badly to pull out. I want to ignore the coordination emails and the text messages from the other runners. I want to make an excuse but I'm not going to this time. Noone is going to laugh because I'm on 11 minute miles at the moment when I used to crank out 6 or 7 on a slow day. I'm not useless, I'm not pathetic, I'm not a failure. Yup, bipolarity can hamper us and yup, having to take meds that mean we have to work around that but damn, we're not going to let this condition be everything we are, its only a part of who we are.

I know it sounds a bit 'hell yeah' and you're probably sat there thinking 'what the hell does she/anyone know' but I had people say the same thing to me when I was in pretty much the same state as you and though I hated them at the time, they were right Cool
I want to second everything said here.  I am Bipolar also...diagnosed 12 years ago towards the end of high school.  I've been on just about every drug available and experienced some very nasty side effects. I've been through many psychiatrists and psychologists before finding people that work well with me.   I have to be very aware of how I am responding to my medications...every few months they need adjusting.

Having to deal with the BP issues is not fun (major understatement, eh?), but I am not going to let it make my entire life a drag.  I manage to drag myself through the bad times knowing that if I keep at it things will get better.  I also know that there will be more bad times, but I will get through those too.
2010-07-01 9:12 PM
in reply to: #2917569

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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
I would also like to make sure you are all aware of the Depression and Mood Check-in thread on bt.  it is a great place to give and receive support to/from folks who have struggling with similar issues.
2010-07-02 7:35 AM
in reply to: #2917569


7

Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
I watched the rest of "The Flying Scotsman" last night. The part where he is in the stairwell after breaking the hour record, crying and alone, and the part where one of his tormentors is terrorizing him through the mail slot saying that he will never amount to anything- it struck me as very familiar. That voice saying  "You will never be anything. You thought you were better than us"- it is all so familiar, except it's been in my head. It's been keeping me from going out and training- that fear that it's all for nought because that voice is so persuasive and pervasive at times too.

I am so glad I found this forum, and you guys have really inspired me to push my limits over the last few days in training. 

Hoojee,  GOOD LUCK THIS WEEKEND

 


2010-07-04 11:46 AM
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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Thanks BB!! The event was today and I'm sat at home now feeling weary but kinda happy. Ok really happy. Happy for not chickening out and very proud to be part of such a cool thing.

So happy in fact, I've entered a race next weekend... Laughing



2010-07-08 7:58 AM
in reply to: #2960646


7

Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar

Hoojee, sorry to be getting back so late. I'm happy that you felt good after your race and hopefully we both enjoy our races this weekend

2010-07-08 8:13 AM
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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Some mood altering drugs have a side affect that increases the frequency of suicide. If you have had thoughts of suicide, talk to the prescribing physician immediately! This is serious business. It could be resolved with a small change in your prescription.
2010-07-08 4:01 PM
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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Good luck to you BB!
2010-07-09 8:07 AM
in reply to: #2917569


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
Thanks for the positive Hoojee! Czegm8, I'm actually working on getting my meds just right but I'm still seeing some seriously difficult times. Yesterday in the car I was so extremely angry that I felt that hitting myself was a good idea at the time. 

My new doctor changed me to 100 mg of Lamectol two times a day with Abilify as well starting Tuesday this week, so it's obviously too short a time to see results but I've been taking my meds. It's weird- has anyone experienced major fatigue during the day where you are so exhausted that you can't keep your eyes open? I've been that way over the last four days in spite of getting plenty of sleep.

Ever since I started combining the lamectol and abilify I've been getting some nausea in the morning too, but I can deal with it if I'm to have fewer and shorter bipolar symptoms.

Racing tomorrow! Unbelievable. Nervous- want to finish the swim a little closer to last year's 2nd place because I had to make up a mountain of time on him last year on the run. I"m  hoping that regardless of the outcome, whether I win or not, I don't get too high or too low afterwards, and I will definitely need to monitor myself for suicidality and make sure I stay around people afterwards even though I won't want to.

Hope you guys and gals are well,

BEN



2018-05-23 10:19 PM
in reply to: #2917569


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Subject: RE: bipolar to tripolar
I know this thread was posted nearly a decade ago . . . but it is so cool that I decided to join the forum.

Greetings everyone. I'm a Clydesdale triathlete competing next week for the first time in about 7 years. I had an emotional breakdown that lead to a lot of therapy, a lot of medication, a lot of extra weight, and a fair amount of despair.

My path to recovery over the last year has consisted mostly with eating right (which for me has meant clean, organic, and low sugar), excellent natural supplementation, and a strong recovery group. I've tried many different recovery groups but found a home in ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).

I still take meds for Mood Disorder NOS, dysthymnia, and ADHD. Googling that subject is what brought me to this thread and this forum.

I look forward to taking part.
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