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Drug Use....know anyone put out for this?
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 2010-06-21 11:25 AM |
Master  2231    Des Moines, Iowa |  Subject: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this?A poll is the better way to do this!!! Way too many things I could discuss here. We are dealing with someone who is over the age of 18. They were completely unremorseful. We had the long convesations about a certain drug probably being made legal (in his opinon), it doesn't harm you, tobacco is worse, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. So I'm interested in....do you know anyone who has ever been put out (kicked out...whatever language you prefer) for illegal drug use. Or have you ever kicked anyone out for illegal drug use. Thanks for your opinions - whatever form they take! |
| 2010-06-21 11:54 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Pro 6767   the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Having worked with a lot of people in recovery, I obviously know a lot of people who were kicked out for this reason. My own opinion is that my house rules are my house rules. Legal or not, kin or not, break my house rules and you don't get to live in my house. Especially if you are over 18. You can have a different opinion about things, but it really boils down to respecting the rules of the person who pays the bills. In much the same way I would kick someone out for taking a dump in my living room. It is not illegal, but it shows a complete lack of regard for my property and my expectations. You get a "by" if you are one of my dogs and having some health concerns. But otherwise, you would be out of here within the hour. Here's your stuff, nice raising you, good luck in life. |
| 2010-06-21 11:56 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Champion 14571 the alamo city, Texas | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? shawn barr - 2010-06-21 12:25 PM A poll is the better way to do this!!! Way too many things I could discuss here. We are dealing with someone who is over the age of 18. They were completely unremorseful. We had the long convesations about a certain drug probably being made legal (in his opinon), it doesn't harm you, tobacco is worse, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseum. So I'm interested in....do you know anyone who has ever been put out (kicked out...whatever language you prefer) for illegal drug use. Or have you ever kicked anyone out for illegal drug use. Thanks for your opinions - whatever form they take! Show him the door. |
| 2010-06-21 12:13 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Pro 5169 Burbs | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? It's unlikely, but I'll throw it out anyhow: there is a small chance (a possibility) that drugs in your house could lead to legal problems for you. for example, if the police executed a search and seizure warrant, and found drugs in the house, you could be arrested. I'm not saying you will, or that it's even likely, but it's something to think about. And from semi-personal experience: my dad's sister was a herion addict (I say "was" because she OD'd on it when she was in her 40s). She lived with my parents while she was clean, and while my mom was pregnant with me. They told her that if she started using again, she would be out. She did, and they "kicked her out." (her brother - my dad - didn't abandon her, though -- he paid out of the nose for $$$$ inpatient facilities for most of her life). |
| 2010-06-21 12:35 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Veteran 407 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Don't give it another thought, time to have this young man grow up via the front door! For what it's worth, my sister-in-law started in with substance abuse at age 13. My in-laws rescued her each and every time she "needed help." Today she is an adult with 2 young children and still being "rescued because she needs help." She does not know how to stand on her on two feet because of the "help" she received (in and out of rehab 3 times, still allowed to sit on the in-laws porch with her mug of beer). It is a sad and pathetic situation. Do not let this happen to you or your loved one. Tough love, do it! |
| 2010-06-21 3:59 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Expert 1690 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? There are proper channels to kicking them out as strange as it may seem, make it known that it wsa their decisions that lead to this and not yours. Drug addiction (even if the drug isnt addictive like pot) is an illness not just a choice at a certain point, giving it up is not easy. Have you tried taking him to a shrink possibly let him talk to someone mutual whom he can trust without emotions being involved. |
| 2010-06-21 5:08 PM in reply to: #2935180 |
Extreme Veteran 1996 Halifax, Nova Scotia | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? mkarr0110 - 2010-06-21 5:59 PM There are proper channels to kicking them out as strange as it may seem, make it known that it wsa their decisions that lead to this and not yours. Drug addiction (even if the drug isnt addictive like pot) is an illness not just a choice at a certain point, giving it up is not easy. Have you tried taking him to a shrink possibly let him talk to someone mutual whom he can trust without emotions being involved. that's worth repeating. At 19 or so my brother was kicked out but supported financially by the family and 40 years later still is via trust funds, my other brother and I looking after his medical appt.s, etc. He now has severe mental health problems as well as medical problems along with his addictions and I suspect won't live much longer. If he had accepted and received the help he needed as a teenager he may have had a healthy and productive life. Lots of people smoke some pot or drink a lot and turn out fine. Others, not so much. If there are other red flags I would try mkarrs suggestion. Edited by blairrob 2010-06-21 5:09 PM |
| 2010-06-21 8:11 PM in reply to: #2935180 |
Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? mkarr0110 - 2010-06-21 4:59 PM There are proper channels to kicking them out as strange as it may seem, make it known that it wsa their decisions that lead to this and not yours. Drug addiction (even if the drug isnt addictive like pot) is an illness not just a choice at a certain point, giving it up is not easy. Have you tried taking him to a shrink possibly let him talk to someone mutual whom he can trust without emotions being involved. Any substance that can rapidly alter brain chemistry has the potential to be addictive. This is separate from physiological dependency, with withdrawal effects. There are a few common elements in all substance dependency, such as using for longer than intended, using despite negative consequences, using even after making commitments to stop, etc. Not everyone who uses a potentially addictive substance becomes dependent (plenty of people use alcohol without a problem), but to say that marijuana is "not addictive" is like saying you can't be an alcoholic if you only drink beer. Also, unless the shrink is specifically one who deals with addiction, you would be better off taking the person to an addictions counselor. But the idea of taking him/her to a professional to address the problem is sound. However, if they refuse, I recommend cutting them off to prevent supporting an unhealthy problem. (There are a few exception, but I won't get into them now). |
| 2010-06-21 8:51 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Expert 997 North Central WV | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Here's a different perspective. My older brother had drug problems. My parents and (and his boss) supported him through the entire deal. My parents NEVER kicked him out but he was not allowed to have drugs in the house. If they found them, they trashed them. Today he is a single parent with full custody of his daughter and the two of them are living together in a small house not far from my parents. He claims to this day that the only reason he is even alive today is because our parents never threw him out or abandoned him. It wasn't easy on my parents or any of us and were many times they wanted to wash their hands of the whole ordeal. But they didn't. I know our story isn't common but I wanted to share another perspective. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Ditto the PPs comments about marijuana addiction. I can assure you it is real. I also agree with getting to an "addictions" specialist whether psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor. Edited by Malgal 2010-06-21 8:53 PM |
| 2010-06-22 2:00 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Expert 838 West Palm Beach, FL | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? It's your house and you can do what you want. It sounds like the drug is marijuana which IMO is pretty innocuous. I consider alcohol to be way more dangerous than pot, and I sell alcohol for a living. |
| 2010-06-22 5:32 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Melon Presser 52116 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? I was never kicked out of the house, but I was not welcome back for a couple years. My experience with myself and other people who use(d) and abuse(d) drugs (including alcohol) [we're looking at scads of family members and a few hundred to a few thousand other people] ... For yourself, if an adult someone doesn't follow the rules of your house--legal or illegal regardless--you are totally justified in booting the person out. You deserve to honor and respect yourself, your spouse, and your hard work in keeping a house and home. But I know you're concerned about your kid. Here's my perspective. It's disrespectful to YOUR ADULT CHILD to treat him as if he can't make his own decisions and be responsible for them. It's not respecting him as an adult human being. On a practical level, if indeed he does actually have a drug problem or is on his way to developing one, he's much more likely to seek and accept help/advice sooner if he's out on his own experiencing the consequences than if you're keeping him around, essentially giving the message, "There there, it's okay for you to touch the hot stove, we'll keep taking you to the ER and pumping you full of painkillers so you can continue to play with the stove and ruin yourself, our house, and ourselves." Sure, it would be appropriate to offer to help him get help (and ask for evidence that he is accepting and following such help) as a condition of staying. But it sounds like he doesn't think there's anything wrong or problematic. |
| 2010-06-22 10:18 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Master 2231 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Thanks for the input Spleen...I hear you - but as I mentioned in another thread, alcohol use doesn't carry too many felony charges. |
| 2010-06-22 10:23 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
Master 2231 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Thanks for all the good input. I appreciate it. We are coming out on the other side of this. Now we are dealing with some attitudes and behavior that need addressed (not to mention some serious potential legal consequences). All your comments are appreciated!! |
| 2010-06-22 11:23 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
| Pro 4040 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? I'm not a big fan of kicking people out. The reason for this is having watched a friend get kicked out just before her 18th birthday for having had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Her mother found out via her diary. Anyhoo, she went on to a long and illustrious career as a waitress at a bar where she redefined sexual promiscuity. I'm talking hundreds of men. Oh yeah, and there was the pot - and the cocaine. AFAIK, she's still a 'wake and bake' into her 40s. This girl was straight-laced except that she slept with her boyfriend (of more than a year). I can't help but wonder what might have happened had she been allowed to stay home. Sooo, sure I would be infuriated if something concerned me and my child brushed it off and showed no remorse. Not sure if I would burn any bridges though. |
| 2010-06-22 11:31 AM in reply to: #2934242 |
| Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? For "using"? No. For dealing drugs, yes. I don't care what your views on the various issues are or addiction etc, that's a completely different ballgame. (edit) It's your house. Make your rules and keep to them. Just be consistent in your enforcement of them. Edited by DanielG 2010-06-22 11:32 AM |
| 2010-06-22 11:32 AM in reply to: #2936569 |
Champion 11641 Fairport, NY | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Opus - 2010-06-22 12:23 PM I'm not a big fan of kicking people out. The reason for this is having watched a friend get kicked out just before her 18th birthday for having had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Her mother found out via her diary. Anyhoo, she went on to a long and illustrious career as a waitress at a bar where she redefined sexual promiscuity. I'm talking hundreds of men. Oh yeah, and there was the pot - and the cocaine. AFAIK, she's still a 'wake and bake' into her 40s. This girl was straight-laced except that she slept with her boyfriend (of more than a year). I can't help but wonder what might have happened had she been allowed to stay home. Sooo, sure I would be infuriated if something concerned me and my child brushed it off and showed no remorse. Not sure if I would burn any bridges though. Totally different circumstance from the OP. You're talking about a moral issue. The OP is talking about a legal one that puts other members of the household at risk both legally and financially. Also, the subject of the OP is over 18. |
| 2010-06-22 11:56 AM in reply to: #2936595 |
Pro 6767 the Alabama part of Pennsylvania | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? marmadaddy - 2010-06-22 12:32 PM Opus - 2010-06-22 12:23 PM I'm not a big fan of kicking people out. The reason for this is having watched a friend get kicked out just before her 18th birthday for having had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Her mother found out via her diary. Anyhoo, she went on to a long and illustrious career as a waitress at a bar where she redefined sexual promiscuity. I'm talking hundreds of men. Oh yeah, and there was the pot - and the cocaine. AFAIK, she's still a 'wake and bake' into her 40s. This girl was straight-laced except that she slept with her boyfriend (of more than a year). I can't help but wonder what might have happened had she been allowed to stay home. Sooo, sure I would be infuriated if something concerned me and my child brushed it off and showed no remorse. Not sure if I would burn any bridges though. Totally different circumstance from the OP. You're talking about a moral issue. The OP is talking about a legal one that puts other members of the household at risk both legally and financially. Also, the subject of the OP is over 18. I also can't help but think there is more to the story. What happened to the boyfriend who was involved? I've worked with kids in similar situations, who found support in either the boyfriend/girlfriend and their family, or other relatives, or other friends who saw what happened and thought the parental response was unreasonable. I've also seen kids who were having significant problems while with family (as in major behavioral problems at home and school, sometimes even legal), got kicked out and taken in by a relative and managed to turn things around because they were no longer playing out the drama at home, and also saw the road they were heading on. |
| 2010-06-22 12:09 PM in reply to: #2936411 |
Expert 838 West Palm Beach, FL | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? shawn barr - 2010-06-22 11:18 AM Thanks for the input Spleen...I hear you - but as I mentioned in another thread, alcohol use doesn't carry too many felony charges. And neither does pot. It's a misdemeanor almost universally in small amounts for personal use. Not to derail, but the "Drug War" has been a horrendous and expensive failure. I'd favor almost universal drug de-criminalization. |
| 2010-06-22 12:36 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Extreme Veteran 339 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? I was a big druggie all through middle and high school. After getting sent to treatment for a year and moving to a new town I ended up hooking back up with my ex who I thought was clean but it turned out that he was still using. He moved in to my house with me and started doing drugs again which I eventually got rapped back into. After dealing with the drug use once again I could finally see what kind of pain it was putting my family through and I decided to quit using once and for all. I gave my ex one week to prove he could stop using and told him if he didn’t he was gone. Needless to say one week later his sh*t was packed and he was out the door. I broke off the relationship about 6 month later. Sometimes tough love is all they know and understand. That was the best decision I have ever made... I have been clean now for 3 years, thanks to my wonderful husband!! |
| 2010-06-22 4:15 PM in reply to: #2936678 |
Master 2231 Des Moines, Iowa | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Spleen, In response to Pot not carrying felony charges...Unfortunately it depends upon the quantity ... and anything over like 32 0z is a felony (Class B) which carries 5 to 7 years and a $5k fine. So yes, Pot can carry felony charges; which changes your life forever (no voting, no owning a firearm, and job opportunities down the toilet). Edited by shawn barr 2010-06-22 4:20 PM |
| 2010-06-23 1:09 PM in reply to: #2936595 |
| Pro 4040 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? marmadaddy - 2010-06-22 12:32 PM Opus - 2010-06-22 12:23 PM I'm not a big fan of kicking people out. The reason for this is having watched a friend get kicked out just before her 18th birthday for having had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Her mother found out via her diary. Anyhoo, she went on to a long and illustrious career as a waitress at a bar where she redefined sexual promiscuity. I'm talking hundreds of men. Oh yeah, and there was the pot - and the cocaine. AFAIK, she's still a 'wake and bake' into her 40s. This girl was straight-laced except that she slept with her boyfriend (of more than a year). I can't help but wonder what might have happened had she been allowed to stay home. Sooo, sure I would be infuriated if something concerned me and my child brushed it off and showed no remorse. Not sure if I would burn any bridges though. Totally different circumstance from the OP. You're talking about a moral issue. The OP is talking about a legal one that puts other members of the household at risk both legally and financially. Also, the subject of the OP is over 18. I was explaining why I'm not a fan of kicking people out. Essentially - minus the anecdote which appears to have clouded rather than clarified my position - you kick out your child, you abdicate any kind of right to provide input or exercise control or influence. Not something I prefer to do. |
| 2010-06-23 1:14 PM in reply to: #2936641 |
| Pro 4040 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? gearboy - 2010-06-22 12:56 PM marmadaddy - 2010-06-22 12:32 PM Opus - 2010-06-22 12:23 PM I'm not a big fan of kicking people out. The reason for this is having watched a friend get kicked out just before her 18th birthday for having had a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Her mother found out via her diary. Anyhoo, she went on to a long and illustrious career as a waitress at a bar where she redefined sexual promiscuity. I'm talking hundreds of men. Oh yeah, and there was the pot - and the cocaine. AFAIK, she's still a 'wake and bake' into her 40s. This girl was straight-laced except that she slept with her boyfriend (of more than a year). I can't help but wonder what might have happened had she been allowed to stay home. Sooo, sure I would be infuriated if something concerned me and my child brushed it off and showed no remorse. Not sure if I would burn any bridges though. Totally different circumstance from the OP. You're talking about a moral issue. The OP is talking about a legal one that puts other members of the household at risk both legally and financially. Also, the subject of the OP is over 18. I also can't help but think there is more to the story. What happened to the boyfriend who was involved? I've worked with kids in similar situations, who found support in either the boyfriend/girlfriend and their family, or other relatives, or other friends who saw what happened and thought the parental response was unreasonable. I've also seen kids who were having significant problems while with family (as in major behavioral problems at home and school, sometimes even legal), got kicked out and taken in by a relative and managed to turn things around because they were no longer playing out the drama at home, and also saw the road they were heading on. How can you think there is more to the story? I spent a whole paragraph describing the arc of somebody's life over 23 years! The girl lived with a friend for a few months then headed downtown. She stayed in school, but there was no more parental guidance. I'm not suggesting that the way things played out in her case is how it always plays out, rather it is a question of whether you want to continue to have a role in your child's life or not. |
| 2010-06-23 2:16 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Champion 10471 Dallas, TX | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? Read all the rsponses. Here's the deal, it is your house that you pay for. If an adult wants to do whatever he wants, he can move out and pay his own bills. If you do not want in your house then there is no reason for you to accept it being there. Tell your adult child he can grow up and live on his own. |
| 2010-06-23 7:16 PM in reply to: #2934385 |
Elite 4547 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? gearboy - 2010-06-21 12:54 PM Having worked with a lot of people in recovery, I obviously know a lot of people who were kicked out for this reason. My own opinion is that my house rules are my house rules. Legal or not, kin or not, break my house rules and you don't get to live in my house. Especially if you are over 18. You can have a different opinion about things, but it really boils down to respecting the rules of the person who pays the bills. In much the same way I would kick someone out for taking a dump in my living room. It is not illegal, but it shows a complete lack of regard for my property and my expectations. You get a "by" if you are one of my dogs and having some health concerns. But otherwise, you would be out of here within the hour. Here's your stuff, nice raising you, good luck in life. Gearboy is wise. I agree 1000% with what Gearboy wrote here. |
| 2010-06-23 7:51 PM in reply to: #2934242 |
Expert 721 | Subject: RE: Drug Use....know anyone put out for this? There's a big difference between using a drug somewhere else while living at a house, and using and/or keeping the drug in the house. In the second case, the home owner can be held legally responsible if the drugs are found there, and in the case of subsidized housing, they lose their Section 8 status. If he can't respect the OP enough, and/or is so addicted to pot that he can't abide by those rules, then I think he should be kicked out, or referred to a residential treatment program. I watched a loved one be enabled- it's not pretty. |
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