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2011-04-06 10:16 PM

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Subject: Question for teen parents

My son is very bright.  He gets great scores on standards tests.

Yet his grades are horrible simply because he refuses to do homework and turn it in.

We've tried grounding.  Making him use a journal.  He just will not turn in homework to save his life.  The only option I can think of is escorting him to each class and forcibly making him turn in homework.  That would be fine except I have to work and I don't think a parent following their kid around would go over so well at school.

Any suggestions?



2011-04-06 10:26 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

while i am not a parent of a teen, or a parent at all, it was not to long ago that i was there. unfortunately there comes a time when a teenager/student has to take responsibility for themselves. I am not sure what grade your kid is in but talk to them, tell them your expectations, let them know what they will not be able to do if not meeting those and what they will get from meeting them. also find out what their goals are. are they just not challenged by the classes they are in? see if they need to go to a more challenging curriculum or honors classes. maybe an alternative school with more hands on work would be appropriate as an option. does your kid want to go to college? do they want to join the military? do they expect to work in fast food and after they graduate and live at home - and will you let them do that? this would need a long, involved, and most importantly, honest conversation.

when it comes down to it, you can't force them to do it if they do not want to. so find out why they are not and work from there exploring alternatives if needed.

2011-04-06 10:38 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

My brother was like that because he was bored out of his mind.  If he'd been challenged, then he might have put in some effort.  If it was something he was interested in, he would focus on it narrowly forEVER (taught himself how to program computers on the Tandy we got when he was 12.)

ETA: I realize that I don't have any suggestions, but maybe he just needs to be boosted up somewhere where he isn't bored.

Also...when I read the title, I thought you were looking for teenagers who were parents...but hey, I just read the BCP post, so teen pregnancy was on the brain.



Edited by maggyruth 2011-04-06 10:40 PM
2011-04-07 12:27 AM
in reply to: #3433568

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Master
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

My friend's son was like that. Super bright and did not see the point of worksheets where he was supposed to draw lines matching words to their meanings. He knew them already, so why waste time with busywork? He never turned in homework, got crappy grades because of it, then tested off the chart. Skipped school to build computers and play D&D. The school actually put him in remedial  classes with the trouble-makers and slow learners because his grades were bad. Not suprisingly he started skipping school a lot more.

At the end of 8th or 9th grade he went to live with his older sister and started college. He blossomed and is now a very successful IT professional for a multi-national company, and an all-round good guy.

I agree that your son sounds bored. He needs a challenge and to know why doing stupid boring work is worthwhile to him. Good luck.

2011-04-07 12:37 AM
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I did not care about delving into schoolwork before I found the analytical, practical joys of economics. My guess is that he is someone that likes to know how things work, doesn't like rote memorization and prefers facts to ideas. That being said, I will say what I wish someone had said to me 16 years ago: here is how this foundational work will apply to higher level concepts. When I hear someone say that they'll never need algebra, calculus and economics after they finish their classes, I twitch a little bit. Everything in the world revolves around those three things right there and if you need help showing the correlative connections between that and everything, talk to me in a month and I'll send along some suggestions.

Another thing to keep in mind...failure is OK. Sometimes it's a great wake-up call. The instinct of a parent is to make sure that everything is great, but just let him fly on his own and if he fails, he'll learn.

2011-04-07 5:30 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
Hugh in TX - 2011-04-06 11:16 PMThe only option I can think of is escorting him to each class and forcibly making him turn in homework.  That would be fine except I have to work and I don't think a parent following their kid around would go over so well at school.


As a high school teacher, I can tell you that this would go over just fine. I encourage it.

A lot of other people are going to tell you he's bored, he isn't challenged enough, etc. Those are excuses. Whether he's challenged enough or not, the reality is that he's lazy. High school is a time when you learn to accept the realities of the world, and that often means doing things that don't want to do. Even if they don't challenge you. Take his cell phone away. Take his computer away. Take his TV away. He can earn them back by turning in his work. Take some personal days from work and go to school with him. After a day or two of having to walk around with his parents, he'll do anything to get rid of you. Make sure he knows that you're going to be very affectionate while you're there, particularly in front of girls. The threat may be enough to affect a change without you having to actually go there.


2011-04-07 5:38 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

Oh I am so in the same boat!!! and it is so bad that now my 9th grader is on academic probation so now he cannot play baseball.  He still has not connected that HE caused the problem.

 

The school is helping me fine a college student that will basically sit on him and make him do the work (I have already done the grounding, taking privileges...) and he will stay at school until work is done.  Until that person is identified, he is staying at school and I am called by head of 9th grade (also his english teacher) with what remains to be done.  He sits next to her and does his work and when he comes home I make him set up in the dining room next to me instead of being in his room - since that did not work.  The school and I both felt that it would be better to have someone else other than me as the tension at home has simply gotten worse and my son has just gotten more defiant in this whole process.

I have spent the last few days basically telling him he has lost his choices, because he made poor choices that have resulted in this situation.

He does not know it yet, but I have every intention of sending him to a 5 week summer program - I am too worried about his math skills - since you need the foundation to move on....

Though he claims he has no depression, and does not want to talk to anyone, I have placed a few calls to find someone for him to talk to - I at least want him screened by someone other than me.

 

Just know you are not alone!!!

2011-04-07 7:31 AM
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Master
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
To the OP.  What does getting bad grades mean to you?  What is acceptable and does he know what is acceptable.  The phrase that always kills me is he has such potential.  Sorry, but if he is a 13 yo middle school student and his test scores show he has the skills that he is supposed to be learning, then what is the problem?  The fact is it is usually not boredom or laziness as one person said.  It is priorities and interest.  Boredom and interest are not the same.

Similar to several posters, I also scored great and wasn't so inclined to work hard in school.  I graduated HS with a 2.7, but with great ACT and SAT scores.  Went to a smaller in-state college and found that college was pretty easy for me.  I also learned that in college just a little more work would put me way in front of all my classmates.  This lesson then also applied to the real world.

After getting my second degree at another college 6 years out of my first college degree, I found college real easy.  Got my CIS degree and have been doing what I want with my career. 

If he is as smart as you say, then talk to him about his interests.  Find out what he would like to do.  Bargain with him that if he does X, you will provide him the opportunity to do Y.  The fact is positive reinforcement will work better to get him motivated than punishment by taking away the things that actually interest him.  Remember, the things that interest him will probably be where he goes to work later in life.  Taking those away could hurt him more than help.
2011-04-07 7:32 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
Refusing to do vs turning in is 2 very different problems. My son has Aspergers - like yours VERY smart - standardized tests off the charts. Does the homework but forgets to turn it in if not reminded. He may be bored, but he also needs to understand that there are consequences.

I concur with the HS teacher - follow him one day. I would - utter humiliation - he will NOT want it to happen - had a friend of mine whose teenager was always missing the bus. Went out and bought the UGLIEST robe she could find. Slippers, curlers and hair net. Son didn't get up in time. She got ready. Bus pulled down the street - she ran out waving for the bus to stop - *"Jimmy will be right out - please wait". he NEVER EVER missed the bus again.

What has the school done if anything to help you? We have a plan in place for my son that he can email the homework if he forgets to turn it in at school but it has to be by 4 pm (just after he gets home and I can check).
2011-04-07 7:52 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
Please let us know the outcome if you decide to follow him/embarrass him.  I'd be interested to hear the results.  Good luck. 
2011-04-07 8:05 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

That was me in school for the most part. 

True story...When I was in 7th grade, my mom got two letters in the mail on the same day from the school.  One said I was failing every academic subject I was taking, and I needed major help.  The second letter said I'd scored in the 99th percentile in my standardized testing, and that I was one of the most gifted kids in the district, and that they wanted to pay for me to take the SAT's as part of a study John's Hopkins was doing. 

I never saw the point of doing homework to practice or reinforce what I was taught.  If I payed attention in class, I learned the info, and the rest was wasting my time.  Honestly, while I did start turning in some work, I still feel that way.  Where it got to be a problem was in college, because I'd never needed to learn how to study, or take notes, or manage my time in regards to studying, so I had a difficult time when I really needed to know how to do that stuff.  So now, looking back, I see the point of HS and Middle School homework not so much as learning how to do the "work" but learning how to learn.  That's a tough lesson to learn until the teachers quit caring if you learn or not, which I really think isn't, nor should it be the case until you're in college.



2011-04-07 8:40 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

I had my parents go to class with me a few times, didn't do much.

Mom sent me to live with pops, pops sat me down everynight and told me his military school experiences as bed time stories.  Next time I got in trouble he handed me my enrollment to military school.  Then yoked me up by my neck and said I had one more chance. I straightened up

2011-04-07 8:46 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

Try positive reinforcement. My son was the same way from grade school on. Capable of A's but bringing home B's + C's. HS it started to be C's + D's. Junior year an F came home and we were at our wits end. We had tried grounding, taking away privileges, etc., etc., etc., So, we did what I swore I would never do; we paid him. We set up a sliding scale where each grade level jump earned x. He got almost straights A's and it cost us over $400. I was pissed and glad at the same time. I pointed out to him that he could have been doing this all along. His answer was very simple and direct, "You weren't paying me all along."

My son was very motivated by money. Find out what motivates your son and dangle the reward. Positive reinforcement goes a long way

2011-04-07 9:02 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

I did the follow to school thing once, that is all it took. My son was in jr. high at the time and though he is very smart and does well on tests would also blow off homework and refuse to go to tutoring where they got reviews for upcoming tests and quizzes.

I walked into school with him one early morning with his little sisters in tow. We actually ran into one of his teachers from the previous year and I explained why I was there (I am sure this embarrassed him a bit). I walked him all the way to the class and waited for the teacher. After that I only had to say 'if you won't go to tutoring, I'll be more than happy to walk you there.'

Honestly though it depends on how old he is. When older son got to his junior year in HS I really dropped off because he was going to have to start doing all these things on his own or I felt he would have issues in college when I am not there to hold his hand.

Contact the teachers, see if there is a way you can check for assignments online so you know he has homework. Have him do the homework on the kitchen table rather than in his room. Our rule is no ZEROs. If you don't turn it in and don't do great we need to work on that but ZEROs = loss of priveledges.

First I would try - 'listen I don't want to police you but you aren't giving me much choice, this is what it would look like..... how about you do your homework and we don't have to do that?' Then you have told him exactly what the consequences will be and he knows exactly what to expect.

Good luck!

 

2011-04-07 9:29 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

My nephew was doing the same thing (except he did his homework, just didn't turn it in). My wonderful, adorable, gorgeous nephew is a passive aggressive young man. Getting poor grades is how he pushes his parents' buttons; ignoring authority figures is how he asserts control over his life. It drove them crazy because he tests in the very high percentile and gets A's on his tests. His algebra teacher said that my nephew was smart enough to teach the class and it killed him to give the kid a C because of not turning in homework (test scores were A's). Same scenario of "he's bored, not challenged," etc. My sister thought he might have ADHD, took him to get tested, checked into meds.  Slight improvement, but it was still an ordeal. His father gave him lectures about the importance of grades and getting into a good college, etc. He talked at him, not to him, unfortunately.

Next school year, his younger brother - who was skipped 2 grades - is now at the same high school. Suddenly older nephew is getting A's, turning in all homework. He wasn't going to be upstaged by his younger brother who is very disciplined and follows the rules. Boredom wasn't the problem; his skill at shifting blame and avoiding accountability was the problem. He has 4 AP classes and getting A's, doing great all on his own.

Doing homework and turning it in requires discipline and fosters accountability - skills he will need when he goes to college. Grades are important, yes, but having those traits/skills will see him through college and life

I think it's a great idea to tell him you will be escorting him to school and taking his homework out of his backpack and handing it to his teacher. This provides a negative incentive to become accountable for his own behavior, but an incentive nonetheless. Do it without lecturing, nagging or negativity. Do it calmly and with firm resolve. He needs to understand that you will hold him accountable in a calm manner.



Edited by Renee 2011-04-07 9:35 AM
2011-04-07 10:19 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
I was/am bright, very good at tests. Didn't do homework.

Homework was torture for me. I couldn't focus and it would take me hours to finish. My parents tried everything short of following me around at school, though I doubt that would have worked. My social group didn't go to the same school as I did so I didn't have any issue being embarrassed in front of my school peers.

I went on ADD meds my senior year, could focus and do my homework quickly. For the routine stuff, what I didn't finish at lunch usually took less then a half hour at home.

I'm not saying your kid has ADD, just that finding the root cause is critical.


2011-04-07 10:28 AM
in reply to: #3433947

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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
mrbbrad - 2011-04-07 8:46 AM

Try positive reinforcement. My son was the same way from grade school on. Capable of A's but bringing home B's + C's. HS it started to be C's + D's. Junior year an F came home and we were at our wits end. We had tried grounding, taking away privileges, etc., etc., etc., So, we did what I swore I would never do; we paid him. We set up a sliding scale where each grade level jump earned x. He got almost straights A's and it cost us over $400. I was pissed and glad at the same time. I pointed out to him that he could have been doing this all along. His answer was very simple and direct, "You weren't paying me all along."

My son was very motivated by money. Find out what motivates your son and dangle the reward. Positive reinforcement goes a long way

This worked for me in middle and high school - my parents did the exact same thing. There was a point where I would "forget" to turn in stuff every now and then or leave it at home on accident... all my parents had to do was remind me of the "paycheck" at the end of the semester and whatever I'd had my eye on buying.

The kicker with my parents' deal with me was the difference between an A and a B was substantial. Something like... $40 for an A, but only $15 for a B. Yes, completely a bribe, but it really made me go the extra mile.

 

2011-04-07 10:44 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
I'm just going to use the guilt trip and tell them that if their grades don't stay up, then the privileges will be taken away.  I hope to not use bribery.
2011-04-07 11:07 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

1stTimeTri - 2011-04-07 10:44 AM I'm just going to use the guilt trip and tell them that if their grades don't stay up, then the privileges will be taken away.  I hope to not use bribery.

I've heard this sentiment before and am wondering why, or what is inherently wrong with this tactic from your point of view?

As a little one potty training, my mom said M&Ms motivated me, and toys motivated my sister. She hung a basket of either M&Ms or stuffed toys in the bathroom and every time we would potty on our own, we could have one. I think a lot of parents of little ones do this...

I know I am not a parent, but it seems like the same concept, no?

 

2011-04-07 11:09 AM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

 

I'd be home schooling that kid.

I was home schooled all my life. Always scored 98 percentile or above on all the standard tests. We took the same tests as the public school kids so our parents could make sure we were on track.

My school day took about three hours and I did it on my own. Once I was done, I was done and could do what I wanted. Worked great! It was like homework without all the wasted time at school. When I was 16 I had a girlfriend that went to a public high school. She arranged to have me go to school with her one day so I could see what it was like. It was the biggest waste of time I have ever participated in. If my parents had forced me to go there everyday I would have been miserable, I would most likely cut class and have bad grades.

Give home school some consideration. Most people are scared of it because they don't think they are smart enough or have the time to teach their kid. There exists tons of curriculum that requires little to no work from the parent. There is even a place that will send you all the materials and you send the completed work back to them to grade and put together a transcript. If there is something your kid is interested in that you cannot provide (science lab) there are options for that too.

I quit school when I was 16, got a full time job, then took the ACT/SAT, scored nicely and enrolled in college. At no point did I feel like I couldn't handle college and I got good grades and graduated with two bachelor degrees in 4 years.

And I turned out just fine socially as well. My wife is a product of public school and she had no idea I was home schooled my entire life until we had been dating a few months and I told her. Even then she would not believe me until my parents confirmed.

My $.02 to consider.

2011-04-07 12:25 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
Hugh in TX - 2011-04-06 11:16 PM

My son is very bright.  He gets great scores on standards tests.

Yet his grades are horrible simply because he refuses to do homework and turn it in.

We've tried grounding.  Making him use a journal.  He just will not turn in homework to save his life.  The only option I can think of is escorting him to each class and forcibly making him turn in homework.  That would be fine except I have to work and I don't think a parent following their kid around would go over so well at school.

Any suggestions?

You are talking about my son!  He is now a junior and doing ok (meaning he is passing everything - actually mostly Bs and that's just cause he turns all his homework in and absorbs in class - I never see him do homework or study - ever!) but he does the bare minimum.  And he is so smart!  By the time they get to this age I don't think grounding, etc really works too well.  You have to find something that makes him want to succeed. 

For me, worst thing about this, is there is no real passion or ambition.  So what happens when high school is over?  My son has no idea.  Says he wants to go to college but I think that's cause he knows that is usually the next step.  He is taking a test they are giving for free at school that helps you see what you're suited for.  Maybe that will give him a clue.........

Good luck - I'll have to read thru the rest of this thread and see if anyone suggests anything that helps!



2011-04-07 12:27 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents
UWMadTri - 2011-04-07 1:37 AM

I did not care about delving into schoolwork before I found the analytical, practical joys of economics. My guess is that he is someone that likes to know how things work, doesn't like rote memorization and prefers facts to ideas. That being said, I will say what I wish someone had said to me 16 years ago: here is how this foundational work will apply to higher level concepts. When I hear someone say that they'll never need algebra, calculus and economics after they finish their classes, I twitch a little bit. Everything in the world revolves around those three things right there and if you need help showing the correlative connections between that and everything, talk to me in a month and I'll send along some suggestions.

Another thing to keep in mind...failure is OK. Sometimes it's a great wake-up call. The instinct of a parent is to make sure that everything is great, but just let him fly on his own and if he fails, he'll learn.

If he fails he learns sounds great, but not in reality.  Really limits their options after highschool. 

2011-04-07 12:29 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

Meerkat Surprise - 2011-04-07 6:30 AM
Hugh in TX - 2011-04-06 11:16 PMThe only option I can think of is escorting him to each class and forcibly making him turn in homework.  That would be fine except I have to work and I don't think a parent following their kid around would go over so well at school.


As a high school teacher, I can tell you that this would go over just fine. I encourage it.

A lot of other people are going to tell you he's bored, he isn't challenged enough, etc. Those are excuses. Whether he's challenged enough or not, the reality is that he's lazy. High school is a time when you learn to accept the realities of the world, and that often means doing things that don't want to do. Even if they don't challenge you. Take his cell phone away. Take his computer away. Take his TV away. He can earn them back by turning in his work. Take some personal days from work and go to school with him. After a day or two of having to walk around with his parents, he'll do anything to get rid of you. Make sure he knows that you're going to be very affectionate while you're there, particularly in front of girls. The threat may be enough to affect a change without you having to actually go there.

I agree 100%.  But not sure taking everything away is the answer.  Lots of kids like this (like mine) could care less about this stuff.  He survives any type of punishment.  It's just putting in time and waiting it out.  Parent jail.  Has to be a more positive solution.

2011-04-07 2:42 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

This is the first time I am responding to a thread without reading the other responses first. I think if I read what others have said, it will change my answer.

My 15 year old has been like this since he left private school after 5th grade. He gets advanced grades in all of his standardized tests and is in honors classes. Reads all the time at home, is very bright and values his intellect and discussing ideas. His grades suck. Just got his last report card and got one D, a couple of Bs and and one A (in a gimme class like Health or something). It's all because he doesn't do all of his homework and his teachers know that his work ethic sucks. I used to care a lot more than I do now. We used to fight about it a LOT and I grounded him. But at the same time, I know that I can't force him to care about his grades. Now that he is in high school he does seem to care more, as he can see that his future might be affected by the grades he is getting. And he enjoys the high school setting more than middle school.

When he was in private school, they expected more from him. There was an environment of mutual respect between students and teachers that made the kids want to please the teachers. That doesn't exist in the public schools he has attended since middle school. They teach to the lowest common denominator, and my child began to do only the bare minimum. No, I don't like that he has become a slacker, but I do believe that when he actually feels like he is engaged and what he does matters to someone, he will find his way.

I guess in the end, I don't care much what his grades are. I care that he finds a passion in life, that he learns a good work ethic, and that he learns how to earn money, what to do with that money, and how to start a business or be a good employee. Ultimately, I think good grades are not at all a good indication of success after school, and books like "The Millionaire Next Door" seem to validate that. What you do to encourage good grades might not matter as much as what you do to encourage effort and with ethic in the things your child is passionate about.

2011-04-07 2:56 PM
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Subject: RE: Question for teen parents

Meerkat Surprise - 2011-04-07 6:30 AM
Hugh in TX - 2011-04-06 11:16 PMThe only option I can think of is escorting him to each class and forcibly making him turn in homework.  That would be fine except I have to work and I don't think a parent following their kid around would go over so well at school.


As a high school teacher, I can tell you that this would go over just fine. I encourage it.

A lot of other people are going to tell you he's bored, he isn't challenged enough, etc. Those are excuses. Whether he's challenged enough or not, the reality is that he's lazy. High school is a time when you learn to accept the realities of the world, and that often means doing things that don't want to do. Even if they don't challenge you. Take his cell phone away. Take his computer away. Take his TV away. He can earn them back by turning in his work. Take some personal days from work and go to school with him. After a day or two of having to walk around with his parents, he'll do anything to get rid of you. Make sure he knows that you're going to be very affectionate while you're there, particularly in front of girls. The threat may be enough to affect a change without you having to actually go there.

X2 or what ever we are up to. I used to teach at an inner city school. I had a great kid in class who was like your son. I spoke tot he mother (Who was also a very concerned parent) I knew that her lunch time was at roughly the same time as my class.

You should have seen the look on his face when she walked in and sat down literally right next to him. She satayed for almost the entire class, and when some of his friends made some comments, her reply was I know your mother, grandmother , or aunt, if you don't wnat the same thing you better get to work.

When she left my room she looked at her now motivated son and said. I will be back three more times before the end of the year, you guess which three days.

I never had a problem with him again.

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