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2011-06-20 7:45 AM

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Elite
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Subject: Gift Giving and Expectations

In your family and/or circle of friends, is giving gifts for events like birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. expected?  Do you actually give gifts on those days, and if so, do you feel pressure to do so?  If not, do you feel guilt that you don't?

I hate gifts.  I don't like receiving them and don't like giving them either.  I have asked my families repeatedly to stop buying me presents for birthday and christmas, yet they continue.  Moreover, I don't give gifts on those days because I feel it's tacky and innaproppriate.  The expectation that a gift be given is extraordinarily presumptuous and I won't play the game. 

Now, if I find something that I really want to buy for someone, then I'll buy it and give it to them immediately.  This has nothing to do with not thinking of others or of being selfish.

As usual, I didn't get my dad anything for Fathers Day, but spent probably an hour talking with him on the phone(we talk probably 4-5x /week).  During the conversation, he mentioned how much he appreciated not having to receive a token gift. 

On the flip side, my in-laws are obsessed with giving and receiving gifts.  Yet, I have never received anything from them that I have wanted or enjoyed.  I take most of the gifts they give to Salvation Army within a week of receiving it simply because I'm not willing to store all the junk.  And then they find it offensive not to receive a gift on those holidays and find me to be callous and rude for not playing along with their expectations. 

I just don't get it. 



2011-06-20 7:55 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I share a very similar philosophy when it comes to gift giving.  I don’t like presents or special actions on specific days that are marked in the calendar; neither will I do them because it is expected. Those people in my life that I care about, I try to show it to them through out the year.  I like to be spontaneous and thoughtful when it comes to those things with, I think it shows that you always have them present in your mind and that is not your outlook calendar reminding you that you have “to do” something.

The only exemption to this it is when it comes to children.  I have two “nephews” (best friends kids) and I always get them presents for special occasions apart from the other things that I might do for them.

I make myself perfectly clear to people in regards to how I feel about this, if they choose to ignore it and continue the ritual of giving presents on calendar occasions it is their choosing, I don’t feel pressure to fall into the tradition.

2011-06-20 8:04 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I LOVE giving and receiving. However, my parents don't live here and I'm not good at planning ahead so usually they get a phone call. When my Mom was here a couple of weeks ago I bought her something and said 'Happy Mother's Day' she loved it and appreciated that I got her something.

However, I understand where you are. My parents never guilt me but the ILs try to guilt my husband. Their gift giving to be is very odd. However, the point I want to make to you is your ILs are your wifes responsibility. I understand they give you stuff you don't want and would prefer they give you nothing but for some folks (me included) they really like choosing something for somebody no matter how mis-guided they may be. Would it be possible for your wife to give them a suggestion of a gift card? This is what I told my parents and they send my husband a hardware store gift card for his birthday. My ILs on the other hand give us crap that often ends up ouside our home as well.

This isn't worth calling them out on. If this is what they want to do, let them do it. If your wife can steer them that would be great. How does your wife feel about getting them birthday/holiday gifts?

I'm a big believer in you 'handling' your parents and her handling hers. They are old you are not going to change them. At least you don't have to worry about them getting you something for Father's Day. My Dad always calls my husband because he thinks he's a great Dad which is kind of sweet but good because then I don't have to call my Dad I just talk to him when he's done with Ken.

2011-06-20 8:06 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

It's ok if you don't get it. People give and receive love in different ways. Giving gifts, spending time together, verbal affirmations, etc are all different types of love that people give to one another. Some people really love giving and receiving gifts and some don't.

In order to have successful relationships, it's important to let people know how you like to receive love and also to learn what your loved ones need from you in order to FEEL loved. It's one thing to know you are loved and quite another thing to feel loved. You can make some people, like your in-laws, feel your love by gift giving. Other people, like your dad, feel loved when you share your life with him through conversation and making time for him. You can't decide for other people what makes them feel your love. Some people are easier to love because they have the same love languages as us. Some are harder because they have different love languages and we have to be more deliberate with how we show love to them. Read the book The Five Love Languages. Figure out what love languages people around you speak, and try to keep that in mind. Again, you don't have to understand. Whether you accommodate other people's habits and traditions is entirely up to you.

2011-06-20 8:09 AM
in reply to: #3557415

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
Tri Take Me Away - 2011-06-20 8:06 AM

It's ok if you don't get it. People give and receive love in different ways. Giving gifts, spending time together, verbal affirmations, etc are all different types of love that people give to one another. Some people really love giving and receiving gifts and some don't.

In order to have successful relationships, it's important to let people know how you like to receive love and also to learn what your loved ones need from you in order to FEEL loved. It's one thing to know you are loved and quite another thing to feel loved. You can make some people, like your in-laws, feel your love by gift giving. Other people, like your dad, feel loved when you share your life with him through conversation and making time for him. You can't decide for other people what makes them feel your love. Some people are easier to love because they have the same love languages as us. Some are harder because they have different love languages and we have to be more deliberate with how we show love to them. Read the book The Five Love Languages. Figure out what love languages people around you speak, and try to keep that in mind. Again, you don't have to understand. Whether you accommodate other people's habits and traditions is entirely up to you.

I agree with Jessica 100%! I thought of the Five Love Languages right after I posted. Different people feel and give love different ways.

2011-06-20 8:17 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
AndrewMT - 2011-06-20 6:45 AM

In your family and/or circle of friends, is giving gifts for events like birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. expected?  Do you actually give gifts on those days, and if so, do you feel pressure to do so?  If not, do you feel guilt that you don't?

I hate gifts.  I don't like receiving them and don't like giving them either.  I have asked my families repeatedly to stop buying me presents for birthday and christmas, yet they continue.  Moreover, I don't give gifts on those days because I feel it's tacky and innaproppriate.  The expectation that a gift be given is extraordinarily presumptuous and I won't play the game. 

Now, if I find something that I really want to buy for someone, then I'll buy it and give it to them immediately.  This has nothing to do with not thinking of others or of being selfish.

As usual, I didn't get my dad anything for Fathers Day, but spent probably an hour talking with him on the phone(we talk probably 4-5x /week).  During the conversation, he mentioned how much he appreciated not having to receive a token gift. 

On the flip side, my in-laws are obsessed with giving and receiving gifts.  Yet, I have never received anything from them that I have wanted or enjoyed.  I take most of the gifts they give to Salvation Army within a week of receiving it simply because I'm not willing to store all the junk.  And then they find it offensive not to receive a gift on those holidays and find me to be callous and rude for not playing along with their expectations. 

I just don't get it. 



Let me just say that you have a right to your way of doing things...

But...  I look at this like visiting another country.  When in that country you should try to abide by the rules and customs of that country.  And while your family may have certain customs that you follow, when you chose to get married into your wife's family, you do have some obligation to respect their customs.  Now with that said, if you state that you don't want to partake in their customs, then you have that right.  And they in turn have a right to view your actions in any way they wish. 

PS.  I like giving and getting gifts.  And if I found that all the gifts I gave were given away because it was though of as junk, then I would exclude that person from being around me as I would be insulted that they felt that my gifts were junk.  Harsh I know, but I'd rather keep those who are positive and share my beliefs around me.  Sorry, but I can see where this could strain a relationship long term with your in-laws.

Edited by velocomp 2011-06-20 8:19 AM


2011-06-20 8:34 AM
in reply to: #3557442

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Elite
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Spring, TX
Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

velocomp - 2011-06-20 8:17 AM
Let me just say that you have a right to your way of doing things...

But...  I look at this like visiting another country.  When in that country you should try to abide by the rules and customs of that country.  And while your family may have certain customs that you follow, when you chose to get married into your wife's family, you do have some obligation to respect their customs.  Now with that said, if you state that you don't want to partake in their customs, then you have that right.  And they in turn have a right to view your actions in any way they wish. 

PS.  I like giving and getting gifts.  And if I found that all the gifts I gave were given away because it was though of as junk, then I would exclude that person from being around me as I would be insulted that they felt that my gifts were junk.  Harsh I know, but I'd rather keep those who are positive and share my beliefs around me.  Sorry, but I can see where this could strain a relationship long term with your in-laws.

Interesting perspective in your PS.  Would you like it more if that person was just upfront with you that they would prefer that you didn't give gifts or that the gifts you give were not the type of stuff that person wants or needs?  You would expect that person to keep and store items that you gave them despite the fact that they'll never use them?

 

2011-06-20 8:36 AM
in reply to: #3557415

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Elite
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Spring, TX
Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
Tri Take Me Away - 2011-06-20 8:06 AM

It's ok if you don't get it. People give and receive love in different ways. Giving gifts, spending time together, verbal affirmations, etc are all different types of love that people give to one another. Some people really love giving and receiving gifts and some don't.

In order to have successful relationships, it's important to let people know how you like to receive love and also to learn what your loved ones need from you in order to FEEL loved. It's one thing to know you are loved and quite another thing to feel loved. You can make some people, like your in-laws, feel your love by gift giving. Other people, like your dad, feel loved when you share your life with him through conversation and making time for him. You can't decide for other people what makes them feel your love. Some people are easier to love because they have the same love languages as us. Some are harder because they have different love languages and we have to be more deliberate with how we show love to them. Read the book The Five Love Languages. Figure out what love languages people around you speak, and try to keep that in mind. Again, you don't have to understand. Whether you accommodate other people's habits and traditions is entirely up to you.

Good stuff.  I've actually heard good things about that book.  When I get through the 10-15 books I'm reading through right now, I think I might pick it up. 

2011-06-20 9:45 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

it's safe to say that everyone gets crap gifts year after year and i can see how that gets kind of annoying.  especially when it'f family members b/c you would think that your family knows you well enough to understand what you like and don't like.  but sometimes you gotta just deal with it.

no offense, but it sounds pretty selfish of you to just put your foot down like that.  if you're willing to have your inlaws think your rude and sellfish then you're a braver man than i am.  they may not want to watch your dog or kids on the weekends or have you over for dinner one night or cheer you on at your A-race, but i'm sure they do it anyways becuase you're family. 

sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do something you don't want to do just becuase you know it will make them happy.  pretty sure that's in the fine print when you get married.

now...baby showers, house warming, wedding registries....that's a whole differnt ball game.  most of that kind of gift giving is crap.  nothing ticks me off more than getting a letter in the mail asking me to attend a baby shower and there are multiple gift registry cards that fall out in your lap.  it's pathetic that people only have these kinds of parties to "ask" people to give them gifts.  if you can't afford a baby stroller or a cutlery set, you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you're doing.  i give gifts becuase i want to help out, not becuase you asked me to

2011-06-20 9:46 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Lafayette, CO
Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
Ugh, this is a sore spot for me right now with Mother's Day and Father's Day having just passed.  And not because anyone has made me feel bad but because I wish I could do more.  Unfortunately, I'm just not financially in a place that I can afford nice gifts for the people I'd like to buy for a lot of the time and they are all well off enough that I feel like anything I can do is the kind of thing that is silly or whatever.   I do try at Christmas time (I've started coaching then and have a bit more cash flow) to do something whether it be a donation in their name or if I find something small to send.  Nobody has ever made me feel guilty about it except for myself.  I wish I could do more.  The people I would like to give to do often send me gifts for Christmas and birthday but I never ask for anything and will only tell someone what I want if asked directly.  They know my financial situation and don't think they hold it against me.  I dream of a day when I can shower them with the gifts I would love to give them. 
2011-06-20 10:06 AM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

 

My MIL just gave me a Cobb V-Flow for my bday... so yeah, I am down with getting gifts from her!

 



2011-06-20 10:25 AM
in reply to: #3557666

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Elite
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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
antlimon166 - 2011-06-20 9:45 AM

it's safe to say that everyone gets crap gifts year after year and i can see how that gets kind of annoying.  especially when it'f family members b/c you would think that your family knows you well enough to understand what you like and don't like.  but sometimes you gotta just deal with it.

no offense, but it sounds pretty selfish of you to just put your foot down like that.  if you're willing to have your inlaws think your rude and sellfish then you're a braver man than i am.  they may not want to watch your dog or kids on the weekends or have you over for dinner one night or cheer you on at your A-race, but i'm sure they do it anyways becuase you're family. 

sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do something you don't want to do just becuase you know it will make them happy.  pretty sure that's in the fine print when you get married.

now...baby showers, house warming, wedding registries....that's a whole differnt ball game.  most of that kind of gift giving is crap.  nothing ticks me off more than getting a letter in the mail asking me to attend a baby shower and there are multiple gift registry cards that fall out in your lap.  it's pathetic that people only have these kinds of parties to "ask" people to give them gifts.  if you can't afford a baby stroller or a cutlery set, you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you're doing.  i give gifts becuase i want to help out, not becuase you asked me to

I don't understand how my stance is rude or selfish.  It seems even more selfish to expect others to play by your expectations that gifts be given.  I can show my love or caring in countless other ways that don't involve giving or receiving a gift. 

I just can't figure out who the act of giving a gift is supposed to benefit.  From what I see, it seems to be for the benefit of the giver, not the receiver.  When I shared with my MIL that I don't enjoy receiving gifts, she told me that she enjoyed giving them.  So she didn't care if giving me a gift was a negative experience for me, only that it was a positive for her.  That makes it a completely hollow experience.  Meaningful gifts don't have to come at holidays or occasions. 

2011-06-20 11:21 AM
in reply to: #3557466

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
AndrewMT - 2011-06-20 7:34 AM

velocomp - 2011-06-20 8:17 AM
Let me just say that you have a right to your way of doing things...

But...  I look at this like visiting another country.  When in that country you should try to abide by the rules and customs of that country.  And while your family may have certain customs that you follow, when you chose to get married into your wife's family, you do have some obligation to respect their customs.  Now with that said, if you state that you don't want to partake in their customs, then you have that right.  And they in turn have a right to view your actions in any way they wish. 

PS.  I like giving and getting gifts.  And if I found that all the gifts I gave were given away because it was though of as junk, then I would exclude that person from being around me as I would be insulted that they felt that my gifts were junk.  Harsh I know, but I'd rather keep those who are positive and share my beliefs around me.  Sorry, but I can see where this could strain a relationship long term with your in-laws.

Interesting perspective in your PS.  Would you like it more if that person was just upfront with you that they would prefer that you didn't give gifts or that the gifts you give were not the type of stuff that person wants or needs?  You would expect that person to keep and store items that you gave them despite the fact that they'll never use them?

 



Hmmmm.  I guess I'd prefer the person be up front.  I also would make an attempt to get to know a person whom I'm giving gifts too.  Especially if they are family.  So I would be suprised if I gave a gift that the person couldn't use.

Now with that being said, my MIL has given me clothes that I would never wear.  It goes in the closet and in the distant future gets donated.  That way if ever I am pressed to the, "I never see you wear...", I can pull it out of the closet and not hurt their feelings.  But after several years, I feel that it would have gotten the wear needed to be donatable.

2011-06-20 12:14 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I hate token gifts also, and I hate the chore of searching around to find something to give as a gift just because there's an approaching holiday that calls for a gift. I do like giving gifts, but only when I find something that I think someone will really enjoy, and that may or may not occur on the "gift-giving" holiday. I also like receiving gifts, but only in the same manner. Sometimes if I find something that I know will be enjoyed, I'll buy it and hold on to it until a holiday (though usually I'll forget when a holiday rolls around and end up just giving it to them later).

For birthdays (family and good friends), Mothers Day and Fathers Day, we usually just get together and do something.. I will pay for my friend or family member, whatever it is we decide to do, but there are no actual gifts. Some of my family is a little different because they don't have a lot of money, so I can afford to get them things that the have really wanted but can't afford, and I enjoy doing that for them. But I hate that they feel obligated to get me something in return. We've started exchanging Christmas lists though (at their request) and I just put smaller stuff on my list.

One of my best friends and I have stopped exchanging gifts for Christmas. Instead we go on a spa day where we will each pay for our own treatments, but we call it our gifts to each other. It definitely beats searching endlessly for something that I think she'll like, and it always ends up being a fun day together.

Perhaps you can suggest an alternative to your in-laws, like this year instead of gifts, let's make a donation to a charity in each others names, or go for a nice dinner somewhere, or whatever.. it would still be something thoughtful but won't lead to random junk that will be donated?



Edited by jenstewey 2011-06-20 12:14 PM
2011-06-20 12:26 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
AndrewMT - 2011-06-20 8:45 AM

 

I hate gifts.  I don't like receiving them and don't like giving them either.

 

I'm sorry, I do not understand what you've written here. Is that English? Those words make no sense to me whatsoever

2011-06-20 12:30 PM
in reply to: #3557770

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
AndrewMT - 2011-06-20 10:25 AM
antlimon166 - 2011-06-20 9:45 AM

it's safe to say that everyone gets crap gifts year after year and i can see how that gets kind of annoying.  especially when it'f family members b/c you would think that your family knows you well enough to understand what you like and don't like.  but sometimes you gotta just deal with it.

no offense, but it sounds pretty selfish of you to just put your foot down like that.  if you're willing to have your inlaws think your rude and sellfish then you're a braver man than i am.  they may not want to watch your dog or kids on the weekends or have you over for dinner one night or cheer you on at your A-race, but i'm sure they do it anyways becuase you're family. 

sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do something you don't want to do just becuase you know it will make them happy.  pretty sure that's in the fine print when you get married.

now...baby showers, house warming, wedding registries....that's a whole differnt ball game.  most of that kind of gift giving is crap.  nothing ticks me off more than getting a letter in the mail asking me to attend a baby shower and there are multiple gift registry cards that fall out in your lap.  it's pathetic that people only have these kinds of parties to "ask" people to give them gifts.  if you can't afford a baby stroller or a cutlery set, you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you're doing.  i give gifts becuase i want to help out, not becuase you asked me to

I don't understand how my stance is rude or selfish.  It seems even more selfish to expect others to play by your expectations that gifts be given.  I can show my love or caring in countless other ways that don't involve giving or receiving a gift. 

I just can't figure out who the act of giving a gift is supposed to benefit.  From what I see, it seems to be for the benefit of the giver, not the receiver.  When I shared with my MIL that I don't enjoy receiving gifts, she told me that she enjoyed giving them.  So she didn't care if giving me a gift was a negative experience for me, only that it was a positive for her.  That makes it a completely hollow experience.  Meaningful gifts don't have to come at holidays or occasions. 

Rude and selfish is 100% in the eye of the beholder. I don't necessarily disagree with you, I only think that it's wise, with parents, to sometimes do what makes them happy on certain occasions and to try to put yourself in their shoes.Same goes for your inlaws....they should do the same thing towards you.You know what may work....just buy them a bunch of useless crap that you know they won't like!!! Maybe they will catch the hint...!


2011-06-20 1:27 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I don't give many gifts, but my wife does to her family. However we tend to only give what is needed - not what we think someone would want. For instance we got my MIL a new coffee pot last year and she LOVES it. a few years ago my wife and her sisters got together and got my FIL a giant weed whacker/brush cutter that he uses all the time. Alternately if there is nothing to use, they often get gifts of visits from family, gift certificats for backpacking trips or camping adventures with the family, or other such things, which they also love. My family and my wifes family know and respect that I am not big into gifts. I do not really celebrate my own Birthday even (well I will ask my wife to make me a nice dessert on that day but that is about it). For Holidays they will get me things they know I can use or want but if they do not get me anything then I am fine with that and they know it. My wife does the present shopping for Holidays because she likes to, so I am covered in what she buys (usually for her family AND for my family).

I guess I am lucky that people just understand when I say not to worry about giving me anything. Getting together is enough for me.

2011-06-20 3:18 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
I am with you 110%. I feel very uncomfortable getting gifts, especially if it is stuff. I dislike stuff. I am also not a big fan of mother's day or father's day or anniversaries. If anything those days only remind me of my inadequacies the rest of the days. I SUCK at buying presents, I just can't, I lack that part of a brain that allows me to. I do get people cards, which I used to refuse to on general principles of spending 5 bucks on a card, blah. I do take people out for dinner or sometimes purchase them a nice bottle of booze or some expensive cheese. I really prefer taking people out for dinner and my wife and I do it on a regular basis now. No one I know needs more stuff, but most like to eat a bit.

I agree children are different. I enjoy giving children things. That is a happy thing.

My wife gave me some really nice salty licorice for Christmas and Father's day. That was nice.

ETA: That all being said, I have recently discovered it is not the end of the world to tell someone that you want something for bday or christmas if asked. I have discovered that I always need running socks. The odd time there is a running book that I want. I tell people to get this stuff for me, if asked, and they seem happy to get it for me. In some ways I feel like Sheldon Cooper looking in on things, just baffled.



Edited by BigDH 2011-06-20 3:25 PM
2011-06-20 3:24 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I do not see the need to take away the joy from someone else that likes to give gifts. Maybe the gift is not always about you.

I would just be happy that someone thinks enough about you to give you a gift.

2011-06-20 3:43 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

 

I understand the problems that gift giving can propogate.

For instance, my mom had four children and is adamant that she spend the exact same amount on each person and now each person's spouse. She is also a bargain hunter extroidanaire and enjoys buying things that are cheap. Also she wants to make sure that each person get's the same number of gifts. She used to apologize to me on Christmas because I did not have as many gifts to open as my younger sisters did. This usually ended with me getting a bunch of junk that no one would keep so that I had enough gifts to open as she was always able to find tons of cheap clothes for my sisters.

My older sister now is a bit strapped for cash so a few years ago got me a $2 flea market wallet. I was appreciative, she cried as she was giving it to me because she felt bad about only spending $2.

These are examples of what I don't like about gift giving. I finally told my mom that I didn't care if I didn't get anything from her, I really wasn't worried about the equality between my sisters and I. She has since gotten me one or two items that I can really use and it has been nice. But I wouldn't ever tell her not to get me anything becuase she enjoys going out and finding things for people.

I really enjoy giving gifts too so I spend a decent amount of time finding something that the individual will really like. I really like buying gifts for my wife, and she spoils me on holidays as well. Just a way to show love, and probably not an issue worth battling with a MIL over.

 

2011-06-20 4:07 PM
in reply to: #3558573

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
Aarondb4 - 2011-06-20 3:43 PM

 

I understand the problems that gift giving can propogate.

For instance, my mom had four children and is adamant that she spend the exact same amount on each person and now each person's spouse. She is also a bargain hunter extroidanaire and enjoys buying things that are cheap. Also she wants to make sure that each person get's the same number of gifts. She used to apologize to me on Christmas because I did not have as many gifts to open as my younger sisters did. This usually ended with me getting a bunch of junk that no one would keep so that I had enough gifts to open as she was always able to find tons of cheap clothes for my sisters.

My older sister now is a bit strapped for cash so a few years ago got me a $2 flea market wallet. I was appreciative, she cried as she was giving it to me because she felt bad about only spending $2.

These are examples of what I don't like about gift giving. I finally told my mom that I didn't care if I didn't get anything from her, I really wasn't worried about the equality between my sisters and I. She has since gotten me one or two items that I can really use and it has been nice. But I wouldn't ever tell her not to get me anything becuase she enjoys going out and finding things for people.

I really enjoy giving gifts too so I spend a decent amount of time finding something that the individual will really like. I really like buying gifts for my wife, and she spoils me on holidays as well. Just a way to show love, and probably not an issue worth battling with a MIL over.

 

Your stories are a good example of why I'm not a fan of gift giving.  I didn't bring this up because of my MIL, but was just using her as one example of why I feel it's an unhealthy practice.  When there's an expectation that a gift be given, then to me the present is no longer heart felt. 

It's the expectation that annoys me.  If I see something I want to get you, then I'm going to buy it and give it to you.  But you should never expect to receive a gift simply because it's your birthday or fathers day.  I feel the sameway with my niece and nephews.  I love buying them things, but balk at the expectation that I provide them gifts for their birthdays and christmas (a holiday I don't celebrate).  It's at a young age that we're ingraining these expectations and I don't think it's a good thing. 

The reverse is also true.  If you're thinking of me, see something that you think I'd like and give it to me, then I appreciate it.  If it's given simply because it's an occasion that supposedly calls for a present, then the meaning is taken away.

Anyway, just wanted to see how others felt about gifts. 



2011-06-20 4:39 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
I cannot even imagine peeing all over someone's holiday like that. There are quite a few things that friends do/celebrate/etc that either I do not or it's not part of my heritage but I try to make sure they know I appreciate them for who they are by trying to be part of that celebration if at all possible.
2011-06-20 5:17 PM
in reply to: #3558639

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
AndrewMT - 2011-06-20 3:07 PM
Aarondb4 - 2011-06-20 3:43 PM

 

I understand the problems that gift giving can propogate.

For instance, my mom had four children and is adamant that she spend the exact same amount on each person and now each person's spouse. She is also a bargain hunter extroidanaire and enjoys buying things that are cheap. Also she wants to make sure that each person get's the same number of gifts. She used to apologize to me on Christmas because I did not have as many gifts to open as my younger sisters did. This usually ended with me getting a bunch of junk that no one would keep so that I had enough gifts to open as she was always able to find tons of cheap clothes for my sisters.

My older sister now is a bit strapped for cash so a few years ago got me a $2 flea market wallet. I was appreciative, she cried as she was giving it to me because she felt bad about only spending $2.

These are examples of what I don't like about gift giving. I finally told my mom that I didn't care if I didn't get anything from her, I really wasn't worried about the equality between my sisters and I. She has since gotten me one or two items that I can really use and it has been nice. But I wouldn't ever tell her not to get me anything becuase she enjoys going out and finding things for people.

I really enjoy giving gifts too so I spend a decent amount of time finding something that the individual will really like. I really like buying gifts for my wife, and she spoils me on holidays as well. Just a way to show love, and probably not an issue worth battling with a MIL over.

 

Your stories are a good example of why I'm not a fan of gift giving.  I didn't bring this up because of my MIL, but was just using her as one example of why I feel it's an unhealthy practice.  When there's an expectation that a gift be given, then to me the present is no longer heart felt. 

It's the expectation that annoys me.  If I see something I want to get you, then I'm going to buy it and give it to you.  But you should never expect to receive a gift simply because it's your birthday or fathers day.  I feel the sameway with my niece and nephews.  I love buying them things, but balk at the expectation that I provide them gifts for their birthdays and christmas (a holiday I don't celebrate).  It's at a young age that we're ingraining these expectations and I don't think it's a good thing. 

The reverse is also true.  If you're thinking of me, see something that you think I'd like and give it to me, then I appreciate it.  If it's given simply because it's an occasion that supposedly calls for a present, then the meaning is taken away.

Anyway, just wanted to see how others felt about gifts. 

I definitely see your point. For instance, my wife is not close with her dad at all. But she insisted we buy him something for Father's Day because we were getting something for her step dad who she does like. But she wanted it to be a gift that obviously had no thought into it, ie a shirt.

I just shook my head and said "ok hon". That seems like a case where a gift is not necessary at all and doens't really mean much, but she felt the need so I went along. I suppose now that I think about it he is the kind of person to say "where is my gift?"

I definitely agree that this sort of situation is a waste of time as the giving means nothing and the receiving is hollow.

 

2011-06-20 5:45 PM
in reply to: #3558055

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations
jenstewey - 2011-06-20 12:14 PM

One of my best friends and I have stopped exchanging gifts for Christmas. Instead we go on a spa day where we will each pay for our own treatments, but we call it our gifts to each other. It definitely beats searching endlessly for something that I think she'll like, and it always ends up being a fun day together.

This is exactly what my husband and I have started doing for Christmas and our anniversary. Deciding on something we would would both like and then doing it or buying it, whether it be a vacation, day away from the kids, or new laptop, etc. Much better than trying to guess what the other person wants & feeling bad if one person's gift is "better" than the others.

I always feel kind of akward about the gift giving issue when it comes to my kids' birthday party. Both of my boys are September birthdays (they are 2 years apart in age), so to save money we have one party for the both of them. I don't want people to feel pressured to bring a gift (especially since there are 2 kids, it can get expensive), but I hate to say no gifts on the invitation because there are always people who ignore this request and bring a gift anyhow, making the people who honored the request feel weird for not bringing a gift.

2011-06-20 5:50 PM
in reply to: #3557363

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Subject: RE: Gift Giving and Expectations

I have one rule that applies to receiving gifts: I say "Thank you for thinking of me."

My only expectation about giving a gift is that the receiver say "Thank you." You quickly learn who has grace and who does not.

Giving/receiving a gift is not order fulfillment. It's an opportunity to be gracious, a quality I admire in others and try to cultivate in myself.



Edited by Renee 2011-06-20 5:50 PM
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