Other Resources My Cup of Joe » Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry Rss Feed  
Moderators: k9car363, the bear, DerekL, alicefoeller Reply
 
 
of 2
 
 
2011-10-31 6:28 PM

User image

Veteran
392
100100100252525
Calgary
Subject: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

No real point to this post, I just need to vent and get it out there and maybe get a little perspective.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. He's a police officer, I'm a civilian with the Service, that's how we met. We are both full-time shift-workers but our schedules work out great. He also owns an auto brokerage, and he works part-time at a sales job. He's clearly a workaholic, but there's never been a balance issue until very recently. I have an on-call position with the Service on top of my full-time position, and teach yoga casually. We're both pretty busy, but have always made time for each other and our relationship. We don't officially live together, but unofficially he'd moved in (spent every night here, called my place "home").  We're both divorced, so we took it slow in the beginning and really made sure before we jumped in.

About 2 months ago he fired his sales guy for his auto brokerage. We talked, we agreed we were both committed to our relationship and to the future, and that I would help him part-time with the business. This involves me washing vehicles, cleaning them, taking pictures and maintaining the website, and doing very basic bookkeeping and general organizing. I've never had an issue doing this, in fact I've rather enjoyed it.

But slowly he's been making very unrealistic demands of me. And it's now gotten completely out of control. He expects me to give up my life entirely - put aside the house cleaning, the cooking, seeing my friends, going to the gym, etc, and be at his shop every day all day - even between my nightshifts - even when he's not there (I recently spent 9 hours detailing a very dirty truck, while he golfed with some ppl from his sales job). He would call me out of the blue and make a demand - run an errand, pick something up, bring him something, make a modification to the website, etc .. and if I said I was in the middle of whatever and I'd do it in a few hours, later that day, or even I couldn't do it at all - he'd get very angry. He'd accuse me of not being committed to him, of not understanding how important the business is, of just wanting the money and not putting in any work (let's be clear, I have NEVER taken his money I have my own, I help him because I want to), etc. 

The demands and unrealistic expectations go on, but I'll cut it there.

He also was so busy that for the past several months he hasn't been home prior to 9 pm, usually closer to 10 or 11 pm, every single day. And he's out the door by 7 am at the latest. He never hangs out with me and my friends (too busy), wouldn't commit to a weekend away or even a day away (too busy), he doesn't understand how I can spend time watching tv, reading, gardening (it's a waste of time!), he doesn't understand why I won't take on another part-time job, working on all my days off ...  

I don't ask for a lot, but I need more than that. I need a life. So I said something has to give. One of the jobs has to go (he's eligible for retirement with the Service with full pension as he has 26 years on, and the company he does sales for is being sold so he could make a very graceful exit as they don't know what his new role will be) ... but he chose to lose me. He decided he'd rather work 3 jobs and have no life but bank a lot of money, over having a healthy happy relationship with a woman who loved him and was willing to do just about anything for him.

I miss him. I am second guessing my standing up for myself. But I know I wouldn't be happy, if that situation were to continue. What kind of a life is that?!

Now that I suddenly find myself with all this spare time I need to fill, keep myself occupied - I think I'll be a lot more active around here CoJ. I might even start keeping my training logs again. Undecided



2011-10-31 6:37 PM
in reply to: #3746286

Extreme Veteran
861
5001001001002525
Northbridge, Massachusetts
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

I am sorry for the pain of a lost relationship, but the minute you start to lose yourself to please someone else so completely is the minute the relationship isn't worth it.  If you aren't a priority now, you will never be a priority.

I think you did the right thing.  It is the old adage, "I work to live, I don't live to work" 

2011-10-31 7:41 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Champion
7704
50002000500100100
Williamston, Michigan
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
Sorry for the break up but it sounds like a solid decision.  Imagone where you would be 5 years from now. 
2011-10-31 7:42 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Master
1327
100010010010025
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

I agree with your decision....from what little you've posted.  Some of your key words "unrealistic demands" and "give up my life entirely."

And I always get warning bells when a man has a woman walk down the path of distancing from friends and family. (I volunteer at a domestic violence shelter so am a little more sensitive to the signs of control.)

Life isn't all about work -- I find folks who fill up their lives with endless external pursuits (workaholic) are avoiding something.

hey, you're Bodhi girl, just remember the first lesson of life, impermanence.  This pain is impermanent and will pass.  Hang in there!

2011-10-31 8:04 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Master
2642
200050010025
Bloomington, MN
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
I agree with the other posts, it sounds like the right decision.  It is always difficult to let go in a relationship; but you need to hold on to who you.  My guess is that eventually, you will feel good and have no regret about this difficult decision. Hang in there.
2011-10-31 8:41 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Royal(PITA)
14270
50005000200020001001002525
West Chester, Ohio
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
So sorry you have to go through this, TR. I agree, you are worth more than what he was willing to emotionally invest. 


2011-10-31 8:54 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Master
2177
2000100252525
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
I'm so sorry. Frown I do feel you made the right decision though. You gave so much with little return and he wasn't willing to compromise. 
2011-10-31 9:09 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Elite
4547
2000200050025
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Screw him!  

When I read this:  

<form action="/discussion/forums/thread-post.asp?action=postreply" method="post">

"I miss him. I am second guessing my standing up for myself."

...it makes me angry.

Don't listen to that irrational voice.  ALWAYS listen to the voice that "stands up for yourself."  The right man is out there who respects everything about you.  Guys respect chicks who respect themselves.  That voice inside that says, "I miss him," doesn't respect you.  Work on that before you get involved again.  Good luck!!!

2011-10-31 9:22 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Elite
3972
200010005001001001001002525
Reno
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
bodhi_girl - 2011-10-31 6:28 PM

I miss him. I am second guessing my standing up for myself.

OK Bodhi_girl, listen to your sister, Bootygirl.   Go ahead an miss some part of him or your ideal of him, but don't waste another minute 2nd guessing "standing up for myself".  I think you know you did the right thing.   Glad CoJ is around to agree with you!    Sorry for your hurt feelings and temporary lonesomeness.   It sounds like you have alot going for yourself, so revel in those things.  

2011-10-31 9:32 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Expert
3145
2000100010025
Scottsdale, AZ
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

I never understood how someone could miss or second guess their decision when the other person was essentially taking a huge poop on them.  

 

sorry for your breakup but it sounds like it was definitely for the best.  Now just make sure the next guy isn't such a douche bag as well

Curious, what have your past relationships been like?  



Edited by thebigb 2011-10-31 9:42 PM
2011-10-31 9:36 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Pro
4277
20002000100100252525
Parker, CO
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
I know I am only hearing your side but the guy sounds like a total jerk!  Seriously, what a selfish douche.  Why would you miss somebody that treats you like that?  Good riddance!

Edited by rayd 2011-10-31 9:37 PM


2011-10-31 10:00 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Extreme Veteran
1704
1000500100100
Penticton, BC
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Glad you're free of him.  He sounds much too controlling. 

It is not easy to do but don't go back to him no matter how much you miss him.  A "Prince" for you will definitely not be a workaholic and hopefully he will understand the value of Tris and travel and a good book or anything else that makes sense to you.

2011-10-31 10:33 PM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Master
2538
200050025
Albuquerque
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Good for you! I know you'll have moments where you miss him, etc. but it really is for the best and you know it in your heart.

Just soldier on and you'll be better for it in the end. 

2011-11-01 12:35 AM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Melon Presser
52116
50005000500050005000500050005000500050002000100
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

{MELON PRESS}

I love you. I always have.

Think about the kind of love and commitment you were willing to give to him. That's the kind your friends and partners ought to be willing to give to you. In lopsided relationships, it's like a seesaw: one person is always getting to fly high while the other one keeps getting banged on the ground.

You're one of the strongest people I know. You can build a life and love for yourself that surpasses any kind of satisfaction you thought you might find in something external.

Loss is so utterly, utterly painful. For that, there is no balm but the pain itself, and time.

Interestingly enough, everything I've said above is exactly the same notions, slightly different words, that you've given me before. It's called Truth.

Hang in there. You will come to a place where you look back on this and see it for the gift it is, an immeasurable gift that your spirit and wisdom gave to yourself.

2011-11-01 3:46 AM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Elite
3290
20001000100100252525
Oliver, BC, "Wine Capital of Canada"
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
Sorry to hear. Although not an easy decision at all, you made the right one. Hugs for you.
2011-11-01 6:12 AM
in reply to: #3746559

User image

Pro
4838
2000200050010010010025
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

peby - 2011-11-01 3:46 AM Sorry to hear. Although not an easy decision at all, you made the right one. Hugs for you.

x2 I'm think you can tell by all the post you made the right decision. I'm sorry you had to go through that but you will be better off now. Give it some time and you'll realize that. Stay strong and be positive. Obviously there are alot of people who care aboutyou right here if you ever feel the need to vent or need an ear.



2011-11-01 8:06 AM
in reply to: #3746286

User image

Payson, AZ
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
I am with the group that thinks you made the correct decision and shouldn't second guess yourself.  It sounded like a one sided relationship and you were doing all the giving.  He was treating you like an employee from what you described. 
2011-11-01 8:51 AM
in reply to: #3746722

Subject: ...
This user's post has been ignored.
2011-11-01 9:27 AM
in reply to: #3746286

Pro
9391
500020002000100100100252525
Omaha, NE
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Sorry to hear about your breakup.  It's never fun because there's always "some" good in everyone and we tend to focus on the good and forget about the bad when looking back.  So, be proud, look forward and move on.  It's much more dangerous to walk forward while looking backwards.  

2011-11-01 10:23 AM
in reply to: #3746286

Master
2083
2000252525
Houston, TX
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
You've heard enough of the the "you did the right thing" to probably feel a little more comfortable with your decision.  I fall into that camp by the way.  So I'll address the "second guessing".  In my experience, the second guessing stems from 2 things usually, and I'm generalizing here, 1)starting to see their perspective on the events 2) missing the good stuff.  As far as missing the good stuff goes, it only comes with the bad stuff too.  It's a package deal.  There are better packages out there.  In regards to seeing his side of things.  He does have a side to the story and it is just as valid as yours, but just because you can understand where he is coming from or why he did what he did/said what he said doesn't mean that it is right or fair to you.  The fact that you stayed true to yourself and said "I am not going to let you treat me this way.  I'm better than that and I deserve better" means that you are EXACTLY RIGHT.  Everyone is exactly where they are supposed to be and are treated exactly the way they allow others to treat them.  Good for you for believing you deserve something better and taking the steps necessary to get it.  Good for you.
2011-11-01 10:55 AM
in reply to: #3746286

Buttercup
14334
500050002000200010010010025
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
bodhi_girl - 2011-10-31 7:28 PM

I miss him. I am second guessing my standing up for myself. But I know I wouldn't be happy, if that situation were to continue. What kind of a life is that?!

Of course you miss him. You cared about him; those feelings didn't change when you decided to ask for what you wanted. Doesn't sound like you miss the life you had with him, in the end, though.

You paint the picture of a miser. Miser with his time for you, his respect for you, his money that he should have paid you for the work you did. I suspect that you know others ways in which he was miserly. The miserly are miserable.

Not to be argumentative, but I disagree with those that say he treated you like an employee. Employees get paid, don't countenance being brow-beaten or barked at, have a normal work schedule and a life outside of work. You were treated like a slave with no rights, no personal space, and no expectation of being treated respectfully.

Self-doubts are very corrosive to our mental well-being. Maybe you could meditate on that?

And I'm sorry for your loss. As someone else said - impermanence. All relationships end; this is one that needed to end, from the sound of it. Doesn't make it any easier.

Do you do tonglen meditation? I found that helpful.



2011-11-01 9:10 PM
in reply to: #3747097

Veteran
392
100100100252525
Calgary
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Thanks all - I don't know why hearing I did the right thing from a bunch of strangers on the internet helps so much, but it really does help.

Of course my "real life" friends have the same responses, so I'm pretty solid with what I've done. And - don't worry, I am not going to go back to him. I'm worth more than that. I know it. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again anyway.

PS: Yanti I love you too. Kiss

ETA: Renee - I don't have any real experience with tonglen meditation, but from what I understand it's very similar to metta .. I'll look into it. Thanks for the tip.



Edited by bodhi_girl 2011-11-01 9:29 PM
2011-11-01 9:34 PM
in reply to: #3746286

Iron Donkey
38643
50005000500050005000500050002000100050010025
, Wisconsin
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

Sounds to me he started using you.  You shouldn't second guess.  This was a sign for the better for you.  There has to be a BALANCE and a happiness, and you chose wisely.

2011-11-02 8:32 AM
in reply to: #3748090

Master
2083
2000252525
Houston, TX
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry
1stTimeTri - 2011-11-01 9:34 PM

There has to be a BALANCE and a happiness, and you chose wisely.

Just don't go using your light saber on him or anything.....

(couldn't pass it up )

2011-11-02 10:12 AM
in reply to: #3746286

Expert
1244
100010010025
Subject: RE: Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry

http://bouncebackfromabreakup.cocodot.com/

 

We all know a breakup is a major turning point in any girl's life. Why take it lying down when you can hit the gym instead? Stop feeling like crap & start feeling incredible. We'll tell you how; just join our party on twitter & jump into the conversation. You'll have a chance to win 2 amazing prize packages too!

Log onto twitter between 8 & 10 pm EST on Wednesday, November 2 and use hashtag #beatthebreakupblues to follow along & even get your questions personally answered by Bianca Jade, founder of MizzFIT.com and Ellie Scarborough, founder of PinkKisses.com.   

New Thread
Other Resources My Cup of Joe » Boyfriend and I broke up - long, sorry Rss Feed  
 
 
of 2