Jack Bauer Blasphemy

Jack Bauer is the main character in 24. However, he's fictional. I heard a rumor his character was based on the talent in Chuck Norris' pickie finger.

There can only be one Chuck

Whoa, I loved Season one of 24....HOWEVER, We're talking about Chuck Friggen Norris....

Chuck Norris is Jack Bauer's fight scene choreographer.....

d*mn it, I've got nothing.....

Chuck Norris sings his own theme song. You can't do that without being the toughest guy in the universe, well, hollywood, anyway.

What the....surely you jest!!!!

The only person to "beat" Chuck Norris was Bruce Lee. And where is he today? Chuck Norris would destroy Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland (you can look it up) with the iron dust falling out of his beard as he thoughtfully stroked it. When Chuck Norris was a devourer of planets and making teh wimmenz swoon with his steely gaze and manly chest, Jack Bauer was happily taking parts like the voice of the Nutcracker Prince, and praying someone would see him as something more than a lookalike for his daddy with what might amount to a tronger chin. Jack Bauer couldn't hand Chuck Norris the knife he uses to notch his bedpost...

It's quite clear that both Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris are forces that can't be stopped. That is, however, unless the awesome forces of fate somehow caused the two to meet in some sort of battle for ultimate supremacy. Of course, such a battle would have to be the result of diabolical forces manipulating the truth in an effort to rid the world of both Jack and Chuck.

In order for said battle to take place, the aforementioned diabolical forces would have to manipulate a situation in which both Jack and Chuck are under the impression they are working with pure intentions, when in fact they have been manipulated to destroy each other.

With much thought and careful consideration, we here at Jack VS Chuck have painstakingly assembled the following scenario for how such an epic battle would unfold.

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Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris have just received identical orders to eliminate each other without knowing who their actual targets are. These instructions have lead both of them to an abandoned warehouse located at a dormant shipping port.

The warehouse is large and unexplainably still contains large containers and has crowbars and chains lying around.

Chuck has decided to take the brash approach of just walking right through the main doors, making as much noise and drawing as much attention as possible. Dressed in blue jeans and a tweed sports jacket, accompanied by cowboy boots and hat. Gun drawn, he walks down the center of the warehouse.

At the same time Jack is already hiding in the ventilation system. He has a wireless uplink to CTU and has access to 30 remote cameras viewable on his PDA. He has night vision goggles and a silenced 9mm.

Chuck is sidestepping his way across the floor of the warehouse, attention drawn straight ahead. As he is making slow deliberate steps, he mistakenly kicks a loose metal pipe that is lying on the floor. It echoes throughout the warehouse and exposes his presence. Jack trains his cameras on Chuck and triangulates his exact location.

Using a small shaped charge, Jack blows a hole in the duct he is hiding in and drops through the ceiling suspended by a single rope.

Chuck dives for cover.

The two both start shooting at each other. Chuck is using a revolver and somehow manages to get 35 rounds off. Jack returns fire, and after running out of rounds throws his weapon away and pulls out a back up and continues to shoot.

After some time both come the realization that bullets have no affect on either of them.

Out of breath, both are sitting on the floor leaning up against shipping containers. They begin yelling out to each other.

Chuck notices that there is a heavy hook hanging from a chain that is connected to track in the ceiling. Out of sheer chance, the hanging hook/chain contraption is in Jack's direct path.

Chuck steps out into the open to draw Jack out. As soon as Jack takes the bait, Chuck does a slow-motion roundhouse kick sending the whole chain/hook device right at Jack.

The hook hits jack right in the face and knocks him to the ground. Blood has been drawn.

Jack is out cold, or so we think. Chuck walks over, cautious, yet confident that Jack has been defeated. Chuck leans over Jack and begins reciting an old Indian prayer in order to set Jack's spirit free. While this is going on the ghostly vision of an old Cherokee warrior appears and we catch the glimpse of the hindquarters of a wolf as it scurries behind a container. Not sure whether this is real or a vision, Chuck is distracted. In that time Jack regains consciousness and stabs Chuck in the leg.

Jack gets on top of Chuck and removes his belt. He begins to strangle him, yelling, "What do you know!!"

Chuck tries to grab at his own throat but is unable to stop Jack. Chuck is dying. In a moment that makes absolutely no sense, the wolf reappears and lunges at Jack in a cheesy slow-motion/strobe effect kind of way. Jack in knocked off of chuck.

The two exchange blows for a while, Jack repeatedly snaps Chuck's neck, and Chuck gets off a good 25-30 roundhouse kicks to Jack's head. Both are a little worse for the wear, but neither is seriously injured.

At this point both Jack and Chuck realize that they are incapable of being destroyed. After comparing stories they also realize they have been setup. This realization sets into a series of events that involves them both hijacking a domestic flight from LA to New York, breaking various federal and interstate laws, postal fraud, and kidnapping, in order to get back at those who set them up. Lots of people get their necks snapped and roundhouse kicked to the head, but after 24 hours those responsible have been killed and both Jack and Chuck go home to have sex with females.

So what you're saying is basically that we are to to wonder what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? Although it is not really a particularly deep philosophical question, it is a classic paradox. An irresistible force can move any object. An immovable object cannot be moved. Hmm. Makes a person think.

What happens in real life, when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? Well, there are no irresistible forces. And, there are no immovable objects. So, the question has no answer. We do not live in a universe which allows irresistible forces and immovable objects.

So, the question is hypothetical, as we already knew. Let's imagine a universe which allows irresistible forces. Such a universe cannot allow immovable objects, as that would violate the very definition of our hypothetical universe. Let's imagine a universe which allows immovable objects. Again, such a universe cannot allow irresistible forces, as that would violate the very definition of our second hypothetical universe.

So, an irresistible force cannot meet an immovable object. As I said above, we do not live in a universe which allows irresistible forces and immovable objects. In fact, no universe can ever allow both irresistible forces and immovable objects. And, the question has no answer.

I still think Chuck pwns Nutcracker boy...

Chuck Norris
the
Custard-Eating Super Monkey
Battle Rating : 5.9
Vs

Jack Bauer
the
Noodle-Eating Librarian Monkey
Battle Rating : 5.9

IT'S A TIE

thanks to www.thesurrealist.co.uk/monkey - "Food Eating Battle Monkeys"


Edited by KenyonTri 2007-04-03 3:24 PM

Jack Bauer has to be fictional; the human brain would explode trying to comprehend the power that is Bauer, were he real. He's dangerous enough in character form.

We wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Edited by KenyonTri 2007-04-03 3:28 PM

This user's post has been ignored.

They tried to make a game out of Chuck Norris. Then they realized no one could even contain Chuck Norris, much less control him.

When you attempt to reboot a Chuck Norris game, the machine explodes from the power that is his roundhouse.