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2006-03-22 10:18 AM
in reply to: #375518

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

southernaquagoddess - 2006-03-21 1:29 PM Wait a second....a man went to a grocery store? What is this you speak of? Mine hasn't stepped foot in one for like 6 years. I am stunned.

 

Grocery store? Is that the same thing as McDonalds? If so, I grocery shop all the time. They also sell coffee there...already made and in a cup! 



2006-03-22 10:22 AM
in reply to: #376391

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
kimta - 2006-03-22 9:36 AM

McFuzz - 2006-03-21 7:34 PM
kimta - 2006-03-21 5:48 PM

I have heard the advice that all women have to do is tell the guys what to do - but honestly WHY?  I just don't get it.  Men have brains, eyes and hands just like women.  Why can't they just see the laundry basket sitting on the stairs and carry it up the stairs instead of waiting for someone to say, "Honey, could you please carry the basket up the stairs."  And why can't they see the dirty dishes and just wash them.  And what's with asking me where the batteries are when they have been and always will be in the plastic container plainly labelled "BATTERIES".  Is it really something about men's brains being wired differently or is this some big male conspiracy to drive women crazy?

And don't get me wrong, I do love my husband no matter how much I am venting about him today.  We have been together for over 15 years and I wouldn't trade him for anyone but, as with any relationship, there are always issues that you need to work on or just learn to accept.  I am always interested in hearing how others deal with issues.

I've never seen a floorplan where the washer and dryer are conveniently located "by the stairs." Somehow, the basket of clothes made the first half of its journey and (oh, I don't know) got snowed-in at the stairs airport? We've had this discussion in our house too, and I've heard about my negligence from my wife. I don't mow the yard and expect my wife to put the mower away when I'm done.

I have to respectfully disagree.  If I am folding laundry while helping the kids do their homework and I have to rush out the door to a PTA meeting, I believe that the husband could actually manage to carry the laundry upstairs while I am out instead of stepping over the basket every time he goes upstairs.  I refuse to accept the fact that men cannot think and help and do things without being coddled and treated like small children.  Come on!  I guess maybe I have unreasonable expectations in hoping that a marriage could be a true partnership where two adults can just help each other out as much as possible.  Maybe I am just trying to give men more credit then they deserve.



We may not disagree as much as it appears. If you occasionally get called away from hauling laundry up the stairs it should be rare that he has to step over it, and he should be responsible enough to help you out. Just like if he got called away before putting the mower away. You'd get pretty tired of always putting the mower away when he was done mowing as if that weren't part of the job and this may be his perspective about the laundry basket on the stairs. He would probably "finish the job" by putting the mower away and walk into the PTA meeting 5 minutes late and he might expect the same from you. Which is right or wrong? Both! It is probably a source of frustration for both of you (I know it is in my house).

Talk to him about this, preferably avoiding "right/wrong" accusations.
2006-03-22 10:36 AM
in reply to: #376391

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

I have to respectfully disagree.  If I am folding laundry while helping the kids do their homework and I have to rush out the door to a PTA meeting, I believe that the husband could actually manage to carry the laundry upstairs while I am out instead of stepping over the basket every time he goes upstairs. 

Husband takes basket upstairs.

Wife returns from meeting..."Where's that laundry basket?  I was leaving that there so x, y, or z could go in there when it was ready..."  I try to be helpful and this type of thing happens all the time.  I know it does suck kimta, but you've just got to tell us.  I've tried doing all the different things without being told, like maybe clean the bathroom quick, or vacuum.  Yea, when my timing is right, everybody's happy.  But, more often than not it's wrong because of some unknown item I hadn't thought of.  Sometimes perhaps I should have, but many times I would have no way of knowing.

2006-03-22 10:38 AM
in reply to: #375952

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St. Louis, MO
Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
tupuppy - 2006-03-21 6:17 PM

It may not ALWAYS be about seeing the "full" laundry basket and avoiding doing the laundry. It MAY be a case of the guy not thinking it's "full enough" to do laundry.

I use this in the same idea of a dishwasher. My wife would get frustrated because, first I didn't load it correctly (It's loaded....be thankful), and two because I wouldn't run it WHEN she THOUGHT it should be run. I simply didn't think if was full enough and therefore held off on running it till I could stuff more dirty dishes into it.

Okay, SO I got trained on both counts.

And this is the problem in my house. Smile Our thresholds for clutter and such are different, and mine is much lower than his, so I end up doing more. However, I do more smaller house chores, he does the bigger, more time consuming ones that need to be done less frequently.  I always have to ask him and usually remind him to do it, but we've had lots and lots of dicussions on nagging. Usually I feel like I am nagging, he feels like I am not. It's still a work in progress for us (Married almost 4 years....)

2006-03-22 10:48 AM
in reply to: #375711

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
golfinggods - 2006-03-21 2:44 PM

I think secretly he did what all guys do when we are FORCED to do something we dont like (laundry, fold clothes, food shopping, making the bed) We screw it up once and then we are happily never asked to do it again....

I'm with Bananaseatupdabutt on this one. I totally prefer for my clothes to self-clean and for my food to magically appear in my refrigerator and pantry. I resist all attempts to make me responsible for my own maintenance and upkeep. That's what my mother is for! Now that she's out of the country on vacation, things have gotten a little hairy at my house.

2006-03-22 10:58 AM
in reply to: #376391

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Crystal Lake, IL
Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

kimta - 2006-03-22 9:36 AM  I refuse to accept the fact that men cannot think and help and do things without being coddled and treated like small children. 

Obviously you are some kind of insane sociopath that needs psychological help.  Your rantings are revealing your insanity!

  Maybe I am just trying to give men more credit then they deserve.

Wow!  You sure came around fast. 



2006-03-22 11:40 AM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
I don't remember what this thread was about but I am a guy so here is my "understand guys" story.

Quick background: Married 23 yrs, six kids. I go to the store a lot (we go through 1.75 gallons of milk a day)

My wife asked me to get tampons one day when I went to the store. Next thing she knows we have about 14 boxes underneath the sink. She had to tell me to stop buying them. (I haven't bought a box in 14 years) Note for women: ask for what you want and be specific. Don't make us guess.
2006-03-22 2:48 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

Ok, so I need to speak slowly and clearly in a very kind and caring way so as not to hurt his feelings and make sure he knows exactly what I need him to do.  Got it.  I can do that but it still doesn't answer my question.  How come women can think on our own and actually can figure out what needs to get done without anyone telling us but men require instructions?  Is this really a difference in how men and women are wired or does this go back to the traditional gender roles where it is expected that women take care of everything and men go to work?

And I think I found a solution to my issue...I'm dumping my husband and heading over to the gay marriage thread to see if I can find me a wife! 

2006-03-22 3:04 PM
in reply to: #376826

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
kimta - 2006-03-22 2:48 PM

How come women can think on our own and actually can figure out what needs to get done without anyone telling us but men require instructions? 

Here's how it is in my house.  Your situation may be different.  I work all day.  My wife manages the home/kids etc. all day, and all that that entails.  When I come home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what is going on, on a micro level.  There could be 100 reasons why the laundry is sitting there, the mail is over there, and the dishes are spread out over there.  As I stated before, I've put things away or otherwise tried to help and been chastised because the stuff was the way it was for x, y, or z reasons.   When asked to help and explained, I'm on it like white on rice.

Just as, if my wife walked into my office, EVEN IF SHE KNEW MY BUSINESS, I wouldn't expect her to be up to speed on every minute item and prepared to act on it.   Kind of like when you take a day off from work...you are sort of out of the loop on the recent events until someone tells you.   You cant just "see it" and know what needs to be done.

I've tried to have my wife understand this with varied degrees of success.  I understand her point, and understand your point completely kimta, but hopefully this helps see things from the other side.



Edited by morey1 2006-03-22 3:10 PM
2006-03-22 3:06 PM
in reply to: #376826

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
kimta - 2006-03-22 2:48 PM

How come women can think on our own and actually can figure out what needs to get done without anyone telling us but men require instructions? 

They don't require instructions. They just know that they will wear you down by acting helpless or stupid and that eventually you will stop asking them to do anything and just do it yourself because it's not worth the hassle.

That's why my standard reply to stupid questions is "I have every confidence in your ability to figure that out!" 

Is this really a difference in how men and women are wired or does this go back to the traditional gender roles where it is expected that women take care of everything and men go to work?

Sorta'. Women are expected to go to work, too - and they are also expected to take care of everything. I'm speaking generally, of course. There are capable, responsible men out there who don't need to be told that they are equally responsible for a well-functioning household. That's it's not the woman's job to delegate household duties since it's NOT her job to manage!

I blame the women for the other kind of men - the ones that are lazy and are deliberately helpless. If mothers would raise their boys to be responsible and teach them basic life skills, women wouldn't be marrying boys who don't have basic life skills who are looking for a younger version of their mother to coddle them. If mothers taught their boys to cook and clean up after themselves, these boys would grow into men who would have no expectation that a women should do this for them.

2006-03-22 3:14 PM
in reply to: #376851

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Crystal Lake, IL
Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

Renee - 2006-03-22 3:06 PM  If mothers taught their boys to cook and clean up after themselves, these boys would grow into men who would have no expectation that a women should do this for them.

Blasphemer!!!  To the dungeon with ye! 

100 lashings with a whip made from the hair on the back of my knuckles out to straighten you out.

 



2006-03-22 3:25 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

Kimta,  I believe the problem here is what you define as "women can figure things out for themselves and what needs to get done".  We, as men, can too.  But if it's not what the woman in our life thinks it should be/the way she would have done it, then we didn't do it right.  It's not if we do it, it's if we did it YOUR way.  That's where I have the problem. 

In regards to the battery thing, 90% chance that the woman put the batteries there.  That's why we ask where it is.  If my wife moves something and I go to look for it where I put it last, and it's not there...the dog didn't move it...guess who did?  But you're right, I can find it by myself.  Point taken.

And in regards to the stairs thing...OH...that bugs the HELL out of me.  My wife loves to put things on the stairs to take them up when she goes up there.  Take the time to go up the stairs and don't be lazy!  Yes, life gets in the way and our schedules get in the way, but plan accordingly.  Don't get me wrong, I can only speak for my little microcosim, but planning a 40 hr work week, 20 hrs of training, driving 1+ hrs to work each way, spending time with the Love of my life(Nancy's the best!), getting me time and working on the house.  It can be done by anyone.  Nancy has a busy schedule too...fyi.

And...I take the items upstairs when I come across them, even if I'm heading out the door.  But I make sure they are put in a spot where she will find them...like under her pillow (J/K).  It's her habit...I still love her...just like I have a habit of leaving my clothes in the dryer.  She gives me crap, but still folds them and puts them on my side of the bed for me to put away.  We talk..a lot!  Only the persons partner can allow them to be lazy.

My 2 cents...sorry.



Edited by Marvarnett 2006-03-22 3:30 PM
2006-03-22 3:45 PM
in reply to: #376847

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
morey1 - 2006-03-22 4:04 PM
kimta - 2006-03-22 2:48 PM

How come women can think on our own and actually can figure out what needs to get done without anyone telling us but men require instructions? 

Here's how it is in my house.  Your situation may be different.  I work all day.  My wife manages the home/kids etc. all day, and all that that entails.  When I come home, I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE what is going on, on a micro level.  There could be 100 reasons why the laundry is sitting there, the mail is over there, and the dishes are spread out over there.  As I stated before, I've put things away or otherwise tried to help and been chastised because the stuff was the way it was for x, y, or z reasons.   When asked to help and explained, I'm on it like white on rice.

Just as, if my wife walked into my office, EVEN IF SHE KNEW MY BUSINESS, I wouldn't expect her to be up to speed on every minute item and prepared to act on it.   Kind of like when you take a day off from work...you are sort of out of the loop on the recent events until someone tells you.   You cant just "see it" and know what needs to be done.

I've tried to have my wife understand this with varied degrees of success.  I understand her point, and understand your point completely kimta, but hopefully this helps see things from the other side.

You are correct - my situation is different.  My husband and I both work.  If all I had to do was take care of the house and kids, I would be happy to let my husband do nothing around the house.  But since we both work, we both need to pitch in.  And I do not correct him if he doesn't do something the way I would do it - that would discourage him even more from pitching in.

2006-03-22 4:36 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
I think there is a misconception that men don't know what to do. While in fact it is just perception of whether something needs to be done. For instance. I clean really well when I think something is dirty. My wife thinks things are dirty way before I do. I shop when I realize I need food. I can't tell that my wife is out of her food unless she tells me she needs something. I think the bathroom is dirty when I can see dirt. Wife.. when the mirrors are splattered. I dust the TV when the dust blocks my vision. Wife.. when she dusts everything else.

So men do know what to do, but our time table is different...
2006-03-22 4:41 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
But why, may I ask, is the threshold for "dirty"/needs taking care of so darn high for men?
*Look* closely at the bathroom, the refrigerator, etc. It's part of your job as a homeowner, manager of a household to make sure things are running properly and are clean and taken care of. It's not about waiting until something is broken/run out before you put it on the list/go out and get it. Instead, you keep on *eye* on things, and go for backup as things run low/get dirty. Every guy I know is good at the "this place is really a complete sty let's go crazy and clean for however many hours straight" but not real good at this kind of day-to-day upkeep of an operation (the household)

Edited by mcarla 2006-03-22 4:44 PM
2006-03-22 4:42 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
It's easier to say men and women are just "different" and see things differently and there's not enough communication, but what's the explanation for why women, "in general" will notice the toilet paper's low, the tv needs to be dusted and milk's running out, a week or so BEFORE the guy?


2006-03-22 4:48 PM
in reply to: #375514

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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...
I just don't think guys always think it through, probably wanted the sugary stuff for him and forgot about the kids.
2006-03-23 6:42 AM
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Subject: RE: Ok you guys, pls help me understand...

A lot of times, quite bluntly, we don't care. 

Case in point, House hasn't been vacuumed this week, I don't care...Wife cares a lot.  1 single dirty dish in the sink, I care...Wife does not.  Sheets on the bed haven't been changed for a while, I don't care, Wife cares a lot.  Leftovers in the fridge longer than a week, I care...Wife doesn't.

Just because the generic woman cares about a specific item (call it raised that way), and we don't, doesn't make you any more perceptive than us.  We see it, we just don't really care.  Just like the generic woman isn't going to care that the grass is uneven in the back corner of the house and the mower is requiring too much oil, but the generic man will.  If it bothers you, say something and let your partner know.  If you choose not to, then suck it up and fix it behind him or her.  I prefer option 1.

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