Spousal Support (Page 2)

Such great advice from everyone.  I really appreciate everyone taking the time and truly seeming interested in offering such thoughtful advice- I wasn't sure if I would be ignored since I'm a "stranger".  

Talked to my husband again last night, he said as long as I don't "become a nun" like I apparently did somehwat during the Half IM training, then he can be all over supporting the training/ race.  I guess we all have needs that need to be met.

Reading this forum gets a little addicting...my next post will be about how to balance forum reading time with family time. Hahahaha.

This is the kicker. Is there EVER a light at the end of the tunnel (for a lot of us)?

First I said I'd never do an Iroman. Then I did one and was sure I'd be done.
Then I did another. I promised myself I'd take a year off but I'm already thinking about which one I'll do for my 3rd. And in my "off" year? Marathons and ultra-marathons. 

This sport is incredibly addictive (yet justifiable!) and I really feel for you guys with semi- or un-supportive families. I'm not sure if I would personally do an Ironman if I had a spouse and/or kids. But I know a lot of people do with success. Such a balancing act. Kudos to all of you!

Three thoughts:

1)  This reminds me to go home and kiss my wife and say "thank you" to her for being so supportive.

2)  Fair is fair, so ask yourself, are you doing enough to pay it back?  Triathlon is an extremely selfish endeavor.  Think about it.  They see you go off on Saturday or Sunday and you don't come back for hours.  Your alarm wakes them in the morning, hours before they have to get up, so you can do your AM workout.  Or they are speeding up/delaying dinner at night while you get in your time.  They are likely eating meals they'd rather not eat to accomodate your dietary needs.  And for a good 10-12 weeks leading up to a big race, you walk around like a cranky zombie.  They either put their lives on hold while you do your thing, or they have to accept that they need to go do their own thing by themselves.  Both of which are lonely propositions when it isn't their choice.

I'd have to say, I agree with your husband - taking the family along to watch an Ironman race is not a fun family vacation.  We might like to think that it is, becuase it makes us feel better about things.  But it's not.  So, I think we as the athletes need to ask ourselves what we are doing for our spouses in return.  What do we do to pay them back for all the time and energy we take to reach our goals?  I think there is a fourth pillar - "spousal payback", that should go along with training, nutrition and recovery.  If it's not a part of your training plan that you work hard at, then you should carve out some hours and make sure it gets done. 

If you're making that extra effort to say and more importantly, demonstrate how grateful you are for being allowed this selfish pursuit, then maybe he's just a schmuck. 

I've been lurking for quite a while now, but this one is important.  Really really important. 

First of all, I really appreciate the reminders and advice and stories of everyone who's posted here.  The obsessed among us (yeppers, that would totally be me) can easily forget that Ironman is not the center of everyone else's universe.  And how to make that work for the rest of your family--how to make their experience of it as positive as possible--takes focus and effort too. 

From what I've seen so far, I'm in a different situation from nearly everyone else here:  I'm 34 and married with no kids.  I'm also living on the opposite side of the country from my husband--he's going to school.  So we see each other one month around Christmas, one week for spring break, about two months for summer and whenever we can Skype.  Yes, it sounds perfect for IM training, doesn't it?  It's not.  First off, money is a huge issue and IM is so far from cheap that even with help from my very supportive sisters, it's very tight and difficult to justify to a husband who has to buy a plane ticket to see me.  Also, he'll have to travel from OR to FL for my first IM this coming November (just the race--he won't have any more time available).  He has hinted, once, at the possibility of not being there.  I don't remember exactly how that conversation ended, but I suspect I was rather negative...  Also, the highest volume of training time will be while he's there--during that very short two month window after our first year apart.  I'm already trying to figure out how to do that and dreading the repercussions of my choices either way--hurt my husband or shortchange my IM dream so that it feels unfinished and I need to do it again? 

I don't expect anyone else to have this answer for me; it's something I'll have to muddle through.  But any ideas about how I can involve him and make it a positive experience for him would be helpful--I dearly love this man and want to keep him.  One problem before you suggest training/working out together--he doesn't run, bike or swim.

I am planning on doing IMSG in 2013, and my Wife is not that excited about it. She supports me but its not something she really gets. My wife like yourhusband doesn't set goals so like him doesnt get it. She has went to all three of my Tri's o far. I do most of myworkouts like others have said before She wakes up. On my HIM we were able to camp at the race site and the kids loved being able to play in the water all weeend so the race didn't seem that bad for her. My parents and sister were there to and we took turns cooking. I made sure that I cooked the days I was there so She wouldn't have to do anything while I was racing, which I think helped. I told them they didn't have to lookk for me at all and gave them an estimated finish time. They were there at t1 and t2 plus the finish which was cool. My wife and son have started running with me to, we have done three 5k's together. I think she is starting to get the race bug now. This spring my son, daughter and maybe my wife are doing a tri together. She just don't want to put in the time do train for long events which I think makes her resent my training a little. Although he doesn't mind the tri thing as much as she hated me Racing motorcycles in the desert.

Good Luck on the IM

KSH - 2012-01-16 1:03 PM

ironwannabegirl - 2012-01-16 9:41 AM

Make sure he's getting "it" at least once a week (more?) and he'll probably be happy.... right? Maybe? Maybe you have to do more? And make sure you are peppy for it, and dress in something *hot*. Meet his needs and he will meet yours.

Men really are so simple, aren't they?

Catwoman - 2012-01-16 1:15 PM Okay, I probably shouldn't post this...Blame it on Karen. lol.. Good time for "it" in heavy phase of IM training.. Right after your early morning workout and before you get in the shower to get ready for work . Hubby will be delighted that you woke him up and you'll be wide awake. Evenings are a bit harder to fit "it" in if you go to bed early and have younger kids.

Wow- you must sweat WAY less than I do! LOL.  Although I doubt he'd turn it down...

When you're married and you're a family, you get to assume that you'll get support from your family members.  Imagine them out there cheering you on and participating in making signs for you - what a wonderful way to support you on YOUR passion. 

Sounds like the hubby needs a bit of an attitude adjustment to something that brings you pleasure. 

Just my opinion.

Catwoman - 2012-01-16 10:15 AM Okay, I probably shouldn't post this...Blame it on Karen. lol.. Good time for "it" in heavy phase of IM training.. Right after your early morning workout and before you get in the shower to get ready for work . Hubby will be delighted that you woke him up and you'll be wide awake. Evenings are a bit harder to fit "it" in if you go to bed early and have younger kids.

Good advice about keeping Mr. Happy happy.

I've just finished IM #3, and hubby is shooting for #5.  However, if my choices were time with him versus training/racing - he'd win.  With the distances you're trying to survive, IM maybe shouldn't be your biggest priority.   IMHO.

I am suprised no one has mentioned this... has he ever been to an Ironman event? My wife is not an endurance athlete, but we both had an awesome time watching Ironman Madison. It is a very inspiring event, whether you ever plan on doing one or not. Maybe once he see's the event and feels the atmosphere he will be more supportive.

On a second note, the atmosphere at an Ironman is VERY different than that of a sprint or Oly.

Good luck ironwannabe girl! I wanted to write something because I hung on to every word folks had to say about this kind of subject when I was in your shoes a year ago training for IMLP.

Big shoutout to the awesome iron moms of BT because I doubt I would have attempted the ironman without the inspiration I got here.  I was very nervous about pullling it off as a working mom of two.  My goal was to finish and not anger my family.  My husband doesn't know anything about endurance sports but says he "loves intense people".... ha ha, love it, I gues he knew I was type A when he married me. 

As for the training I was very lucky to have the golden "guilt free" Wednesday mornings when I don't have to work and the kids are in school.  I did all my long runs for the Boston marathon on Wed mornings too.  Hence, through my whole training I always able to take Saturday or Sunday totally off since I was putting in up to 4 hours Wednesday am.  I tried to let my husband sleep in as much as possible and do his own thing on the weekend as much as possible in the winter. I made sure he was aware that there would be a set number of Saturdays come May, June, and July that I'd be on my bike for 6 hours (this was all very preplanned).  He is very easygoing,  but *I* felt better making sure he had a lot of time to himself. 

Come race weekend, we stayed at the nicest place in the world and guess what... they had a kid's camp to keep kids entertained (babysitting).   The day of the race, I was like "Be great if I see you at the end."  The great thing is my Dad was there also.  He is really into endurance sports and was the best sherpa ever. Took me to body marking, saw me get out of the water, saw me on the bike.  So my  husband was relaxing most of the day, kids in pool, etc, and then he and the kids saw me at mile 13 of run and then at the end.  It made a huge impression on the kids and they loved it.  At the finish I was sobbing in my husband's arms and kept saying to him "Thank you for supporting me to do this!" He loved the energy of the event.  I didn't even know he was doing it, but he made a home movie with some clips from the race.

Good luck!!! You can do it