Spousal Support

First off, best of luck with your training!

My longest race was a HIM which I did last summer. I am a stay at home and both my kids were home with me all day. My husband works long hours and knows I need some time to myself. Yes, he was very supportive. He bought my tri bike for me. He took care of the kids while I trained. He has a background in endurance sports so he gets the whole idea of training hard to accomplish a goal.

I have participated in triathlon for 3 years and completed 12 races. My first year of racing my husband and kids came to every race. After that I told them not to worry about. It really is boring for them and the truth is I am not racing for them. I am racing for me. My kids are 3 & 5 now. I told my family flat out not to even worry about coming to the HIM. It was held in a town near me so they came anyway but just popped in and out. That said, I think we all knew that I was not going to be doing this again anytime soon.

Could part of the issue with your husband be that he does not see a light at the end of the tunnel? I mean you have already suggested there might be a second IM.

It sounds like you are both harboring some resentment. Have you sat down and talked to him about what part of the training is bothering him? Is it that he feels stuck at home with the kids or that he misses you being around or the expense etc? Have you gone over your training schedule with him so he knows what to expect? Maybe he would feel better if he just had one night set aside for time alone with you? I don't really know, just trying to offer some suggestions.

Thanks all who have replied- Agree we need to sit down and talk it through some more.  I guess what bugged me the most was him coming just because I wanted him there, not because HE wanted to be there or wanted the kids to see it.

Like I said above- I don't ask him nor truly really care if he is at most events, this just seems like a bigger deal.

As for 'sharing the load', I really feel like I do my part...he travels for work, my job is more flexible, I do most of my training when it doesn't affect him, I support his desire to get in a workout as well (one of the reasons I work out in the AM before work is so he can have the after work time), etc. 

Maybe we can work it out so I can be there ahead of time without him and he and the kids can join me for race day/ afterwards. 

Really appreciate everyone's input.

I have almost the same story as you the differences are that I have one son and I am a male.  My wife supports me, when she is in the mood, so I pick the times to bring races forward during those times when she is motivated and interested.  I'd like her to be at races, but when she is at them I tend to worry a lot about what they are doing, are they bored and the time commitment to watch and keep my son entertained rather than just sitting around.  I will be doing my first IM Distance in 2013 for my 50th B-Day.  She is supportive of me doing it, but I don't think she realizes the time commitment for my training that will be needed.  I also invite some of her and our friends to come along as well.  They like coming to the events and enjoy traveling as well.  I also feel better knowing my wife and son are with others during the race and it keeps them company.

In some ways I'd rather not have her at the race so she is not just sitting around waiting and being bored.  I think what  I may do is have her follow me with GPS from home while I do my IM.  This way my son can follow me as well.  The other option we are looking into is pulling a trailer to camp in or get a cabin by the race venue so they can hang out there and have things to do while I am racing.

Laughing about you approaching her when she is intersted.  I admit I bring it up when he seems to be in a good mood and will support it. 

Congratulations on your IM!  That's awesome that he is so supportive.  My husband definitely has no interest in long runs or long rides, not that that is a requirement, but would be nice.  He really does not complain about the training....I just wanted him to want to be there.  I guess maybe that's too much to ask.  I'm hoping my kids are inspired as well!

I don't necessarily think I can convince him to be excited about it but I hope I can explain to him how important it is to me and that I could use his support without eye rolling.  I have ALWAYS had more outside interests than him, whether socially or some physical event like the marathons or tri's.  This is for sure the biggest, but again, I certainly carry my 'load' at home (essentially a single mom about 50% of the time b/c of his work travel.  As for expense, he cannot complain, we are not millionaires, but I do pretty well and actually make a few thousand per year more than him.  Our combined income makes spending money on tri's not really an issue (not saying that to be obnoxious, but I don't think the expense could be causing resentment).

I have changed since we got married (I was 23, hard not to change when you marry that young).  He has many great attributes (great with the kids, very supportive of 'home' tasks like laundry/ grocery shopping/ etc), but he is not a "goal setter" and doesn't get that at all.  I'm not asking him to become one, but I do know that if he were (and it wouldn't have to be fitness goals or something that I am into) I would REALLY HOPE that I would want to share in his goal and be there to see him succeed.  Maybe that's too much to ask and I'm being too sensitive and I should just be happy that he "doesn't " complain too much about it even though he's not "excited".

I'm also struggling to understand what's so bad about a beach vacation with 11,13, and 15 year olds.  I'd take the kids alone on that vacay in a heart beat.  They are easy kids and we're on a beach...I just don't get what the big deal is or why anyone would complain about being "forced" to hang with your (older/ not needy) kids on a beach for a week while watching your wife/ their mom accomplish something huge???

Thanks for the reply!

I hesitate to say too much- as every person/relationship/situation is different..I guess I can only offer a few comments as to my experience..For most of my adult life Iwas a casual exerciser..gym, a little running, varied interests but fairly active..had seen a local tri way back & had always wanted to do one..in 2004 I committed -(knowing nothing!) to do my 1st one that summer.-I sat my kids (11 & 16) & him down & said i wanted to do this& would be looking for their support/understanding .My kids were excited. My husband was concerned about 'time away from home & family"..he worked-a LOT. I worked -a LOT, both at his business & my job, and he was not involved in house/school /community stuff......He didn't see it as a family thing.

After that 1st season- 2 sprints only- I was hooked. He came to my 1st. He & the kids came to my 2nd. 

After that, he made it so uncomfortable when he did decide to come..I didn't want him to. Eye rolling. Impatience. Jealousy.

We separated in 2006, divorced in 2008. My kids came to watch their mom finish Ironman Arizona Nov 2011.They were very very proud....

I am now in a relationship with a kind & patient man who sometimes actually embarasses me with his pride & support..who gets the commitment .He shares many of the same passions & interests outside of triathlon...and has some of his own. He  is supportive of my work, my kids, my other interests..as well as triathlon. I was there for his first Ironman in July  ( would not have missed it for anything!)and he was there for mine in November.. my biggest fan & sherpa.

I wish you all the best in your Ironman quest- and in balancing self/relationship/home..and dreams.

Good perspective too! I truly don't mean to sound whiny if I do.  I'm WAY more Type A and he for sure is not....probably why I get the eye rolling.   It's hard for me to understand why he's ok just going through life while I have this whole list of things I want to accomplish/ do/ see, etc.  Guess I need to work on respecting our differences and appreciating that while he doesn't get it, he's still trying to be supportive in his way.

This is the key.

He also needs to respect the differences, and celebrate them.

Good luck!

KSH- I actually had someone tell me that last summer when I was training for the half- that there is a lot of divorce amongst people who train/ do Ironmans.

Appreciate everyone's reply's/ comments here...talked to my husband last night.  I think he understands a little bit more why I want him and the kids there...he had not really thought it was much more than anything else I'd done as far as wanting them there before we talked.  My training partner and I are going to go down without the family on Wed, then families will arrive Friday night, be there for the race, and then we'll stay for a few days for a beach vacation.  Hopefully that'll meet everyone's needs.

I won't offer particular advice on the support thing...you need to work on that with your husband in your own way. I will say, though, that my wife really appreciated me thinking about ways to try to make her "job" as a supporter easier and more interesting (when I did my IM we had a 6 and 4yr old and a baby on the way...not an easy job for anyone to juggle!). For instance, we stayed on the beach so she and the kids were actually at the beach until noon on race day. I printed out a bunch of things in the area that she could do if they wanted (kids museum, etc.). She didn't actually do any of that but looking back I think it helped her feel more part of things and she felt like I wasn't just "there on my own". Maybe your hubby can go with the kids to see a movie while you are doing the bike ride. There is plenty of time for him to do that and it makes it more fun. I think it's great you and he talked about it- helps you understand his hesitation and helps him appreciate your passion. Good luck. Enjoy the journey!

Glad you talked and found some understanding! And thanks for updating us. I always wonder how things work out.

With a divorce rate in America close to 50% I think we can say there is just a lot of divorce no matter what you like to do! My husband in a principal. The professors in his continuing ed. classes reported high divorce rates for his profession. I think anything you do that takes you away from the family can lead to tension and build resentment if you let it.  The important thing - at least for me- is to remember that we are in this for the long haul. There will be a day when he is not a principal and I am not interested in triathlon but we will still have each other .

Actually the divorce rate in the US is around 41% but that's for all marriages. About 75% of first marriages last. The average is brought down by serial divorcers who have been in 3 or more marriages.

So those are good odds.

To answer the OP's question, my family hates coming to my races. I try to make it interesting for them but they aren't willing to meet me even half way. Luckily I belong to a big tri club so at local races there are tons of people I know and to cheer for me. It's less stressful to leave the family at home than to worry about them not having a good time while I'm trying to race.

That said, sometimes it's important to me that they be there. So sometimes I make them come.  My first IM was definitely one of those occasions. But for my second one, I picked an event that had 20+ club members racing and didn't take my immediate. My mom did end up coming though. She loves stuff like this and had a great time meeting my friends, chalking the course with them, making signs, and I even got her to do the underpants run (and she's in her 70s)!

Unfortunately, she lives on the other coast from me so she doesn't get to come to many of my races. 

It would be great if my family was more onboard with cheering me on at races but it's not something I can change about them. They are pretty easy-going about the training and they are proud of me, but it's not something they enjoy witnessing and that's not going to change any time soon.