Triathlon Dating Thread Ver 2.0 (Page 63)

It's all good... maybe I messed up...maybe not.  I'm really not that worried about it.  We went to running and had a sandwich together. I wasn't in love with her.  

In my opinion (doesn't mean I'm right) - she messed up when she didn't say - in some form another -  "What are your plans the rest of the weekend?" She had two opportunities (before I sent the "getting blown off" text) to offer up an alternative.  If she had time to type "I can't go out Saturday....." and "I'm busy tonight......." - she had time to say "What are your plans this weekend?"  

If I broke the plans, after someone went out of their way for me, I do my best to try and make it up to them.  

She knows I drove down here to take her out, she knows I'm staying with my sister, she knows I was going to run this weekend... she had plenty of opportunity to ask if I was free another day... she didn't.  I offered up another day.  I'm not going to "chase" her. If she's not free, she's not free.  No biggie.  

Was I dissapointed?  Sure.  But I also didn't loose any sleep over it.  I hung out with my 6 year old nephew last night instead, played games, danced in the kitchen as he was telling me "My mommy never lets me turn it up this loud" - Hi fived him when he farted (another thing his mom doesn't do)...and played his favorite video game with him.  We had a blast.  Today, I am going to my nieces Soccer game.  All in all - a pretty good weekend, and a trip well worth it.  

There will be another hot chick running down the road, that I will most likely turn my bike around for, or run faster to catch up to and chat... until that day - I remain single, and I love it.  

Carry on fellow single triathletes...  

P.S.  I really do enjoy reading the different perspectives of everyone, even if they are telling me I was a dope... I try very hard to learn from what others have to say / teach.  Keep em coming.  If I couldn't handle it - I wouldn't post.  

Playing catch-up here.

RE: "the spark"
I'll say I'm guilty of making the best of a first date and "having a good time" when in reality I don't really want to go out with the guy again. It probably sends the wrong message. But I'm not the kind of person to leave my date at the restaurant mid-dinner because that's the moment I realized I wasn't interested. I'm still going to be pleasant, laugh, finish my wine. So - that may be where some of you guys are reading signals that aren't 100% genuine. It's a tough spot, any ideas on how to get out of that if you're in that situation?

RE: "the text"
OK I liked the sexy jeans comment but the text about being blown off was unnecessary and completely blew any chance you had left. I will say, though (completely not knowing SQUAT about her situation), that I have sent similar texts trying to blow someone off. The fact that she didn't offer up anything else or even a "hey I'm tied up for the next hour, let me text you in a bit" (if that was the reason for the 30 minutes of silence) it does send a message.

And an update on my end... I had a conversation yesterday with the guy I've been dating for ~2 months that blew up in spectacular fashion. We had plans to watch the Final Four game with my friends last night and while I was on my bike ride he left town (he lives a few hours south of me), making up some story about how something came up and he needed to get back home. So instead of talking about why he was so upset he leaves (and lies about why). Captain obvious would like to point out this is a red flag. Sigh.

DeannaS - 2013-04-07 9:37 AM

Muskrat37 - 2013-04-06 6:22 PM

Also interesting that Carrot thinks the whole thing sounded needy.  I am anything but needy.  This is one of the reasons I prefer a good old fashioned phone call to texting.  I thought that after offering up Friday -and getting shot down - following with "how about Sunday?" would sound pretty needy.  Like a bad comedy skit "Can you go out Friday?" "Nope - I'm busy"  "How about Saturday?  Sunday?  Monday?  Next weekend?..."  

I said I thought it sounded needy because you didn't give her a chance to respond before you sent the second text, but waited too long for it to be "part 2" of the first text. That's a tell tale sign of, "Oh crap! I'm totally obsessing over what I said and what she's going to say back and dang it, I should clarify or something or oh no...argh!!! I've totally screwed this up! No!!! I'm freaking out!" Why do I know this? Because I've been there myself. I think we probably all have. And that second text 30 minutes later? It should never, ever, under any circumstances, be sent.

I like you - and your opinions... and for the most part, I think you are spot on... but I can assure you - the above bolded part never went through my head.  

Here is a little too much info that I'm going to share with all of you anyway.  

I almost never sent the "If I was going to get blown off" text.  I almost did the "Oh - I understand route" (which I thought I started off with by offering up Friday - before telling her to take care).  

I didn't go the "I understand route", because I am always the nice guy.  I am always the guy that says.. "It's ok...go ahead and sh*t on me some more...I understand... blah, blah, blah.."  In other words, I am always too nice, and I get taken advantage of.  

My father is that way also.  He lets women (My mom and my step mom) walk all over him.  He never stands up for himself.  He uses the phrase "Yes dear" all to often, and thinks conceding to women is the secret to a happy marriage.  

I refuse to be that guy.  I have watched him be happily  married his whole life and not have the guts to leave women that made him miserable.  I sort of did that with my now ex wife.  I should have ended things and didn't have the courage to.  I was not happily married, but I still couldn't walk away.  

With this woman - I went with my gut.  I felt as though she was blowing me off, and that she was being rude.  In my opinion (as stated before) - if someone goes out of their way for you, and you cancel plans, then you offer up the alternative or try to make it right.  To me, it's called common courtesy.  She did not extend that courtesy to me, and in my opinion, she made no effort to even though she had the chance.  

Maybe my gut misled me, maybe I over reacted, maybe I was wrong.  I will not walk around regretting my decision.  But it really felt like I was getting blown off, and if that is the case - my father still would have said "it's ok"... and I seriously considered all that history.  If I think I'm getting blown off, whether I am or not, then saying "it's ok" would have been very mentally unhealthy, and yet, I still almost did because I didn't want to be an a-hole.  Well - I decided that, since I felt I was getting blown off, the healthy thing to do would be do have a spine and not be the nice guy that lets women walk all over me like my dad does.  So that's what I did.... hence the "take care" text.  In hindsight - it might have been better to just ask "Am I getting blown off?"  

The second part about "Just so you know - it's the fact you didn't offer up an alternative" text...was because I went back into "nice guy" mode, and was making a lame attempt to explain my choice to tell her to take a hike.  I realize now, I was trying to not appear to be the a-hole I was being with the "take care" text.  That text probably should not have been sent.  

Ok - now you all know way to much about me.  

I know that you all have no way of knowing any of this... but there was a lot more history behind my decision to tell her to take a hike.  I am constantly working on myself, and changing behaviors I don't like, and trying to become a better man.  I was not the perfect husband (wasn't a bad one either) - but I could have been better.  In my next relationship, I want to be able to be there for the woman that is lucky enough to land me, and have that returned by the woman that I am lucky enough to land.  In the meantime, I will continue to learn, grow, mature and enjoy being single.  

Carrot - Have a field day with this latest bit of information.   

Typing all this was very therapeutic..  

I'll give an update from my end.  

So the past week and a half, me and kickball girl have started dating on a more official basis.  Last Thursday was the night when everyone on the team realized "oh they're dating".  Not that we needed their approval, but having it definitely makes everything easier.  We went out last night as well, making that date #4.  For now I get to go back to focusing on dating one person, which is kind of scary, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it goes.

Muskrat37,

I'm with msteiner on this one.

Intended or not, your tone appears to be harsh. You are reading into her texts way too much and not rolling with the punches. msteiner's suggested response conveys the "making lemon aid with these lemons" attitude. The mojo is strong with this one....

Your response screams "I need a hurt feelings report" because of the........wait for it.......(30 min delay)........butt hurt meltdown. 

It may not have been what you were thinking or intended but it was the vibe you were putting down for sure. I have made these same over analysis mistakes. My brain is just to logical and analytical for suave texting. My humor and wit comes across as sarcasm and @$$holishness. Personally some simple rules help out when texting.

1. keep it simple

2. don't read into anything

3. don't send a text when filled with any negative energy, let it go, better to say nothing

You can tell yourself the "I don't care" line, "it was only one date, I wasn't in love" bit, or play the "I'm wasn't going to let her screw me over" game, but in the end the only screwing going down is you screwing the pooch on something that had potential. Unneeded and easily avoidable. 

My $0.02

Do I know you in real life?  Some of the things you said are scarily accurate.  

"Intended or not, your tone appears to be harsh."  This is why I prefer a phone call to texting.  

"My brain is just to logical and analytical for suave texting." - Are you my long lost twin?

Your 3 pieces advice are very wise bits of information that I try to follow.  Apparently not very well.  

Hindsight being 20/20 - I could have handled it different.  Probably a simple "Sucks you have to work Saturday - what's the rest of your weekend look like?"  

Wait - what was that?  Was that me agreeing with the masses?  OMG - somebody shoot me now!!    

Thanks all... for your blunt, but honest feedback.  I really do read it with as open of a mind as possible.  As I said before - I'm a work in progress....

P.S.  

I still think she blew me off, but acknowledge that I jumped the gun a bit.  I could have been a bit more tactful in my handling of it.   I also think she should have been the one to offer up "How about Sunday?" and should have done so in her very first text to me.  

I also don't think a "frowny face" is the same as saying "Sorry" - but hey.. .we all communicate in different ways.. and for what it's worth.. I really don't care, and it was only one date.  I will not be losing sleep over possibly screwing this up.  It is also still entirely possible that I didn't screw anything up... she may have actually been blowing me off.   

In Skrats perfect world - the conversation flows like this:

Her:

"So sorry to do this to you, but something came up at work.  I won't be able to make it Saturday - hows Sunday for you?" 

Me:

"That sucks you have to work on a Saturday - Sunday works for me.  Can we make it lunch instead of dinner? I have to drive home Sunday evening"

Her:

"Sounds great - see you at 11?"

Me:

"It's a date"

Playing catch-up as well:

RE: The Spark - Obviously varies from girl to girl...I've found that I can often create what I call a "false spark" with a girl that is really based on sexual energy.  Useful for a guy trying to get some, but I don't think you should have to go creating one if it's a relationship you're after.  It still doesn't hurt to let them catch you admiring them or whatever so they feel sexy around you...doing that without coming off as creepy is quite the balancing act.

RE: The text - I might have sent something similar to the jeans comment, but certainly would't give a girl crap after 30 minutes.  Maybe it's just me, but I think that quickly deciding that someone is blowing you off says that you are the type of person that looks at everything with a cynical eye.  At least that's how I would interpret things if I recieved that kind of text.  Maybe I couldn't respodn right away or was working out my busy schedule to see when we could hang out again.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt and chill. - OH, back to Muskrat - I think it's cool that you are able to see inside yourself enough to figure out the reason behind your emotions rather than just hang onto them in caveman fashion.  Sometimes I can want to react based on conditioning I got from previous relationships, but I try hard to remember that it wasn't the girl I'm seeing now that ever did "X" to me.  I hated being constantly tried for the crimes of ex girlfriend's previous boyfriends, and it ultimately drove me away in spite of her always apologizing for it later.  I won't do that to anyone else...sure - sometimes my conditioned response might be right, but it's not worth driving away the potentially great ones who have legit reasons.  The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

RE:  Lisa's sitch - Obviously there is more you don't know and even more that we don't know, but yeah..Red Flag.  On one hand, I undersatnd sometimes a break to decompress and think about things slowly, trying to be objective is a good thing.  Or, he could just be having a tantrum and running away from little problems.  Being honest would be ideal either way, but I admit that I've been guilty of using something else as an excuse to get that break to think.

RE: Msteiner - Cool stuff.  I understand the slightly scary part, but good work.

RE: My story - things are great with Crossfit chick.  Spent most of the weekend together and she did offer clarity on our exclusiveness by telling me about another guy at the gym asking her out - she said she told him that she was seeing someone.  I probably should have said something to reaffirm that I'm on the same page, with her, but I was a bit slow on the draw.  Either way, I think we mutually understand that we're exclusive and long-term oriented.

Here's the thing.  I don't think you should text back with another question, looking for a response.  Just use more of a statement, like: "No worries.  If you get some free time this weekend, just let me know - I'll be down here till Sunday."

You gain / lose nothing.  Enjoy your weekend with or without her.  If she's blowing you off, you'll know it by Monday.  And if your gut feeling was wrong, then you left the opportunity open for her to get back to you.

Good advice.

How is it possible that this thread is on page 2? :-)

Just had my second bad first date in a week. I usually ask enough questions to avoid awkwardness and am chatty enough to enjoy pretty much any first date....not lately. Might be time for a break. Meh.

Erin

After a string of bad dates/flaking I usually do well to take a week to focus on myself for a bit.  Dating is tough enough without being in a rut.

I just got back from spending a weekend at the lake with kickball girl.  Things are going well on my end for a change!

Sorry to hear about your bad dates Erin...

Congrats Steiner..  

Still chillin on my end.  Right now, I have been so busy with the responsibilities of life - I haven't even had time to train like I want (training is more important to me than dating right now).  I'm not even looking right now.  

I am moving in 2 weeks.  Fun times.  

I knew I couldn't be the ONLY one who would interpret her texts the way I did!    

As I age, I become more tactful.  I wonder what my texts to her would have looked like when I was 25.  LMAO.  

Maybe things are looking up for me.  I think "Earleen Maluda" REALLY, REALLY likes me.  

I received this email today from her. 

"Are you feeling a absolutely dissolute tonight? Well I really am!
It's one of the nights when you sense something special in the air.
Probably we could share this together!
A horny miss wanna have some fun here."

Then there are links to "a few passionate photos to get you in the mood"  

Do people really fall for this sh*t?   (PM me if anyone wants the links - I'll forward them on) 

I went out with her twice last week!

turtlegirl - 2013-04-15 11:56 AM why do all the guys get the emails? 

LMAO... 

I'm wondering why I started getting these types of emails.  This computer has never, ever seen a single porn image.  (No joke).  I use it for work and won't risk viruses on it.  

Now my other computer... ok.. going to stop right there.  

You PROMISED me you would not tell anyone! 

Sorry, it was a moment of weakness.  Like a kid with a new toy!