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2006-05-23 3:57 PM

Master
1597
1000500252525
Colorado
Subject: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Recent threads prompted me to dig this up:

 

Rule One :

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two :

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three :

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule Four :

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five :

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six :

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven :

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight :

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine :

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten :

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.



2006-05-23 4:02 PM
in reply to: #431935

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Buttercup
14334
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Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Oldie but a goodie.
2006-05-23 4:09 PM
in reply to: #431935

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Crystal Lake, IL
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

I haven't seen that in a long time.  Classic.  5x5.  Thanks.

 

2006-05-23 4:10 PM
in reply to: #431935

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Master
1506
1000500
Minnesota
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Thanks for bringing that up again!
2006-05-23 4:12 PM
in reply to: #431935

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Master
1573
10005002525
Red Sox Nation
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Are you currently adopting?
2006-05-23 4:13 PM
in reply to: #431935

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2006-05-23 4:18 PM
in reply to: #431955

Pro
4545
2000200050025
Orange Park Florida
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
oneword - 2006-05-23 5:13 PM

Hey Stake, you know what drives me nuts (and I thought the post was very funny)... since we both have little girls, I always want to knock the snot out of guys that I'll meet that will say "Boy, I'm sure glad I've got boys, I don't know what I'd do if I had a daughter!"

Grrrrr. Grrrrr. Why LOVE her, of course! Little girls rock!

Is there any way you can just SHOOT someone, leave a little flesh wound, not exactly kill them, but get the message across ... without getting arrested? Tongue out

Yes...PM me.  No wait you said without getting arrested....try XXXXX or YYYYY they were/are Army.

2006-05-23 4:26 PM
in reply to: #431935

Giver
18426
5000500050002000100010010010010025
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Stake - 2006-05-23 4:57 PM

 

Rule One :

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

If some kid pulls up in front of my house and says he's "delivering a package" to my daughter, I might not be that agreeable. 

2006-05-23 4:31 PM
in reply to: #431955

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2006-05-23 4:35 PM
in reply to: #431982

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2006-05-23 4:49 PM
in reply to: #431935

Elite
2661
20005001002525
DC Metro, slowly working my way to NC
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Yeah, Stake, like you're ever going to let the little one date...


2006-05-23 5:10 PM
in reply to: #432000

Elite
3235
2000100010010025
San Diego
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
This thread stresses me out. DadYou'reEmbarrassingMeCow is never leaving the house
2006-05-23 5:16 PM
in reply to: #432020

Buttercup
14334
500050002000200010010010025
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Tom, be reasonable. You said when she's 32 she could start dating!
2006-05-23 5:22 PM
in reply to: #431935

Master
2231
200010010025
Des Moines, Iowa
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

LOL...it's been awhile since I've seen that.  But with 2 girls approaching "dating" age, I think I'll copy this and give it to all prospective suitors!!  Along with the "application to date my daughter" ..... another classic.

Thanks for the laugh...

2006-05-23 5:33 PM
in reply to: #431935

Champion
34263
500050005000500050005000200020001001002525
Chicago
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Ahh I remember my first date with my wife. She was 18 and going to be a sophomore in college. I showed up at her house. She, of course, wasn't ready. So I found a spot on the couch, grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. The newspaper was handy so I naturally turned to the Midlands section (the local news section of the Omaha paper). While reading I noticed the ottoman wasn't being used so I scooted that over under my feet.

So there I am ... feet up, newspaper open and the TV on when my future father-in-law walked into the room and said "Are you comfortable?"

I said, unwisely, "Actually I could use a beer if you have one."

He rolled his eyes and yelled "Heather! You're dates leaving soon! Get out here."
2006-05-23 6:02 PM
in reply to: #431935

Pro
4189
20002000100252525
Pittsburgh, my heart is in Glasgow
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
hehe, all of those FULLY apply to my father!! He's STILL over protective of me. Before I went to my Sophomore homecoming, he made me double knot the tie of my halter top dress so no boys could do anything unseemly.

When I finally DID start dating, getting him to meet Pat (superfuzz) took FOREVER. Mainly because his sweet 16 year old daughter had fallen insanely in love with a 21 year old man. Yeeahh, that one was a hard sell. But after a wee bit of begging, pleading, crying, and a 4 month ban on seeing him, they figured it was easier to let me see him once in a while rather than deal with the phone bills. Because Pat "respected the rules", we were allowed to start dating in groups and in small doses. The day I got my DL is my anniversary (I have no excuse to forget, its printed on my ID!). 4.5 years later, my parents LOVE him now, sometimes I think more than me. My mum keeps asking when we're getting married! Yikes! Its really strange because our parents are so much alike...mums like the same things, decorated their kitchens the same way, dads do the same job, etc.

Who says breaking the rules can't work out


2006-05-23 6:20 PM
in reply to: #431935

Champion
8903
500020001000500100100100100
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

OK Stake, how many of those have you broken?  I thought so!

 

2006-05-23 6:24 PM
in reply to: #432026

Elite
3235
2000100010010025
San Diego
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Renee - 2006-05-23 3:16 PM Tom, be reasonable. You said when she's 32 she could start dating!

At 32, I'll think about letting her date....maybe

2006-05-23 7:56 PM
in reply to: #431935

Elite
2777
2000500100100252525
In my bunk with new shoes and purple sweats.
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Thank God I have two teenaged boys...but in my previous family I raised two girls. Of course back then I was 6'4" tall, had hair, and could swim 100 meters in 8.5 seconds. Look at me now. The toll it takes on you Stake, just take my advice and send her to live with the Amish.
2006-05-23 8:20 PM
in reply to: #432080

Master
1597
1000500252525
Colorado
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
max - 2006-05-23 7:20 PM

OK Stake, how many of those have you broken?  I thought so!

 

Probably all of them, but... this isn't about me.  It only applies to every other male in the world

2006-05-23 8:21 PM
in reply to: #432085

Master
1597
1000500252525
Colorado
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
madcow - 2006-05-23 7:24 PM

Renee - 2006-05-23 3:16 PM Tom, be reasonable. You said when she's 32 she could start dating!

At 32, I'll think about letting her date....maybe

Tom, yet another reason why I think we would get along.



2006-05-23 8:42 PM
in reply to: #431935

Expert
941
50010010010010025
WA
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

when i was in high school my parents told me i shouldn't think about dating until graduate school.  it was kinda nice though because it was an easy way to let down guys i had no interest in without lying!!  

unfortunately, i broke their rule and found my DH-to-be in college, but it's ok, they like him

2006-05-23 9:07 PM
in reply to: #431935

Master
1534
100050025
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Why did everyone look at me when Stake posted this?
2006-05-23 9:24 PM
in reply to: #432207

Pro
4189
20002000100252525
Pittsburgh, my heart is in Glasgow
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
jknapman - 2006-05-23 10:07 PM

Why did everyone look at me when Stake posted this?


Aye lad, to be fair, you're one of the few young bucks round here that would fall into the category of being able to *legally* date another member's daughter.
2006-05-23 9:40 PM
in reply to: #432222

Master
1597
1000500252525
Colorado
Subject: RE: 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

phoenixazul - 2006-05-23 10:24 PM
jknapman - 2006-05-23 10:07 PM Why did everyone look at me when Stake posted this?
Aye lad, to be fair, you're one of the few young bucks round here that would fall into the category of being able to *legally* date another member's daughter.

Legality has nothing to do with it. It won't be legal when I bury the body, so why discriminate

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