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2012-04-24 9:45 PM
in reply to: #4169542

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
You are setting a good example for your kids by choosing to live healthy, actively working toward a goal, then completing that goal. This, arguably, will teach your child more in the long run than cheering at every single game, every single weekend. I am a parent. And I watched my parents be totally consumed in their own lives with very little concern for mine, so I can tell you at the extreme end of things that doing something like missing one game to take the family on a trip to see mom and dad race is pretty effing cool. That's something they'll remember. I highly doubt that decisions like that are made lightly, and without concern for others. And to the poster who called triathlon an individual sport, you are absolutely wrong. We may be racing individually, but watch what happens when someone needs help. There is more camaraderie among competitors in this sport than any other. And THAT is a much more beautiful lesson to teach to your kids. Soap box over.


2012-04-24 11:31 PM
in reply to: #4170679

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
papson14 - 2012-04-24 5:09 PM
Running Q - 2012-04-24 3:20 PM
ecozenmama - 2012-04-24 11:23 AM

For example, this weekend the hubby and I are both racing in the Marble Falls triathlon.  She has a soccer game, but we decided that it would be a fun and rewarding experience for the whole family to come with us.  Our daughter will get to be there to support us, just like we support her.  I think she will gain the wisdom to see that we are a family unit and make sacrifices for each other, but they are rewarding for us all.  

So what you are saying is that an individual race for you and your husband is more important than the commitment your daughter made to her soccer team?  Her teammates and coaches are now left in a lurch because you decided that it was more important for you to be in a race than for her to fulfill her commitment.  Your actions are causing her to have let down her coaches and teammates.

I believe your decision to elevate yourself over your daughter's commitment invalidates everything your "family credo" stands for (or should I say "parent centric credo" which would be more accurate?).  Hasn't her team worked hard?  Shouldn't they be rewarded with the confidence and satisfaction of never giving up?   Your actions are communicating that your inidvidual work and individual goals are more important than her soccer teams work and goals.  What are you teaching her about the value of following through on committments or the prinicples of team and being part of a team?

So a parent should cancel everything and make the sole focus about the child and his/her activities? Being Part of a functional family involves sacrifice at all levels. It cannot be a one way street or it will fail. Make decisions about thes type of activities together and there will be no problems. Good parenting will ensure that children understand commitments especially the commitments to family which will always be there, long after the Under 7 soccer season is over.

 

The "Under 7" and communicating it to the coaches wasn't referenced in the original reply--changes the situation tremendously.  And btw, I'm not a coach, but have been on teams where players/parents didn't follow through on their commitments and it hurt the teams.  In fact one year it cost a cross country team I was on the a NAIA National Championship (granted it was the Academic National Championship Trophy they handed out to the team with the highest collective GPA but a National Championship none-the-less Laughing 



Edited by Running Q 2012-04-24 11:43 PM
2012-04-25 12:13 AM
in reply to: #4171186

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
Running Q - 2012-04-24 11:31 PM

The parent has the responsibility to teach their child(ten) what it means to follow through on one's commitments.  If you sign up to be part of a team, be it an under 7 soccer league or a competitive, traveling team, you are making commitment to the other players and coaches.  If you can't keep that commitment then don't sign up.   Granted emergencies come up (illnesses, deaths, etc)  A parent doesn't have to cancel everything but a parent does have the responsibility to teach, train and bring their child with integrity, honesty, etc...Intentionally scheduling a race knowing that you'll have to have your kid break their commitment to the team is being selfish and not setting a good example.

I'm guessing you don't have many races that you have to sign up for significantly (6 months or more) in advance? I agree with most of your points, but I think you take it a little too far, and too harshly. Yes, we do have the responsibility to teach children what it means to follow through on commitments. Included in those lessons are financial planning (the race I signed up for a year ago that cost substantially more than the sports team we signed the kids up for a few months ago whose schedule wasn't available yet), respecting the parents and sacrifice(sometimes a child can't have everything they want), conflict management without conflict (discussing the issue with others affected before making a decision), but most importantly, to "see" others, to know that others have needs, feelings, goals, and sometimes they conflict with what others want (in this case, mom or dad NEEDS something in their life to achieve other than work and/or home, and they've chosen triathlon). On that last point, it doesn't matter if you're a stay at home parent or a working parent, some parents need an outlet that isn't home or work the way some people need counseling. Unless you're there, you can't truly understand what it is to finally have some semblance of "self" in a world dominated by the needs of others around you. That's the best kind of example you can set - a strong, fair, well balanced adult. And, I might add, it's not like any of the posters are doing this every weekend. Parents are people too.I know this post presents just the side of the parent's wants/needs. I'm not saying that children shouldn't usually be put first. I'm just trying to point out that parents are important too, because their needs can also teach important lessons.

Edited by ironultrared 2012-04-25 12:26 AM
2012-04-25 12:16 AM
in reply to: #4169542

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

We are a family....everybody sacrifices for the overall good.  

That's all there is.....soccer (softball, basketball, dancing, cheerleading, baseball, horses) and triathlon be damned.

2012-04-25 12:28 AM
in reply to: #4169674

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

ingleshteechur - 2012-04-24 3:18 PM I'm hearing you all...great, great advice.  My daughters have seen me train for HMs, a HIM, and most recently a marathon.  I know I am setting a great example of setting goals and achieving them.  I think I do my race in June, keep swimming, biking, and running...if a weekend opens up with no tournament, or there is a race nearby the tournaments, I jump in and do it.  It might be more exciting that way Smile !

This is what I'd do because I enjoy watching my kids perform and compete! I'm their biggest fan.



Edited by Blanda 2012-04-25 12:30 AM
2012-04-25 3:39 AM
in reply to: #4169542

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
When you have more than 1 kid in multiple sports or activities, you end up not seeing a lot of different events/games.  It's okay, you have something to talk about later.  It's also okay to miss one for your own race.  Cut yourself some slack and enjoy your own life and challenges occasionally.  I typically just try to balance things out so that when my boys have events that overlap, I get to see each do their thing on different weekends.  And I still try to get all my workouts in, but some weekends my workouts get shifted to odd hours, or I even end up doing a run at the venue (big soccer fields are great for running, btw).  If I planned on a race, I'd go do it and enlist family for some help that day on having someone there for the kid's game.  I probably wouldn't be off racing every weekend, though -- just scale it back a bit and find that balance that works for everybody.


2015-06-11 12:58 PM
in reply to: ingleshteechur

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

As many have said, it's about balance.  If you schedule a race over top of a child's existing tournament, game etc., then that's a choice you make based on the magnitude of the race.  However if you plan a few races then your kids' sports schedule comes out and you've got conflicts, then it's ok to miss the kids' games IMO.  Obviously there are extenuating circumstances to navigate.  Like is it the championship?  Their last game in a particular sport?  

I have four kids and all played high level club and HS sports and I missed games here and there.  I also missed games for one or two of them because I was at games for the other kids.  My point is, missing a game isn't a big deal if you have a good reason... Deciding to take a nap or hanging out at a bar would be poor reasons to miss a game..

As for taking a child out of their sport in order to watch mom and/or dad compete, that's something that needs to be well planned but is doable.  I think once a child hits a certain level the expectations for their commitment level go up and it's less likely to go well.. 

My kids all lead healthy active lifestyles as young adults (my youngest is nearing 16) and they have said watching me make fitness a priority throughout their lifetimes taught them that sometimes there are sacrifices we make to be in shape and healthy but they are never done lightly...

2015-06-11 1:37 PM
in reply to: TriMike

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.

2015-06-11 1:44 PM
in reply to: Left Brain


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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
Originally posted by Left Brain

We are a family....everybody sacrifices for the overall good.  

That's all there is.....soccer (softball, basketball, dancing, cheerleading, baseball, horses) and triathlon be damned.




You left out lacrosse!


I'm missing an out of town tournament this weekend, because there's a chance to swim in a lake. That's the bad thing about lacrosse 'round here. Not enough playing to keep it all local. It'll be easier for my wife to only have to take care of 2 boys in a hotel, instead of 3 boys and me! I get the 2nd grader. But, my Mom's offered to take him tomorrow night so I can get up early and go swim in a lake and ride a bike for a few hours.

So, bonus. I get an entire night to myself.

But, I will miss watching them play. I LUUUURVE watching them play lacrosse. 3 games in the span of 1 interminable kid pitch baseball game. Only a handful of parents understand the game enough to be jerks and yell stuff or 'coach' their kid instead of letting the coach do it. Usually it's just parents sitting around watching our kids run like crazy.

That's my only suggestion. I can't offer anything on balancing life and such, but I will always take this opportunity to recommend researching "The Matheny Manifesto" or that blog by the swimmer's parent who says kids just want to hear "I love watching you swim/play/etc."
2015-06-11 1:45 PM
in reply to: ingleshteechur

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
I have three kids under 6 and I agree with those that say there has to be a balance. What sort of example does that set for a kid where EVERYTHING is dropped for them EVERY time? That's going to set that kid up with a very delusional view of the world around them...that it revolves around them. It will also teach them that their accomplishments and goals trump all others. I grew up with parents that were both runners. I spent as much time at their races, cheering them on, as they did at my events and races cheering me on. The idea that a kid has to be the center of the universe is crazy. Also, if a kid has a tournament EVERY weekend, that sort of waters it down, so it's not as though you're skipping the state championships. I think weekly all day tournaments are a bit much to begin with, and dropping everything to go to ever single one is way over the top.

When I swam in high school, we had weekly swim meets with other schools. My parents made it to most of them, but not all. If they were far away or they had other things going on and couldn't make it, it was fine. District level meets or big invitationals, they always came. That strikes the balance of support vs making the kid the center of the universe...cause when they hit the real world, they certainly won't be, and it's our jobs as parents to prepare them for it.

One final thought though, for the kids, if they make a commitment to being on a team (not the under 7 variety, but competitive team) they should uphold that commitment regardless of whether both parents can go. Just my opinion.
2015-06-11 1:48 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
Originally posted by Left Brain

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.




Wow, I just realized how old this was...LOL.

Talk about a zombie post!


2015-06-11 2:15 PM
in reply to: jhaack39

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

Originally posted by jhaack39
Originally posted by Left Brain

We are a family....everybody sacrifices for the overall good.  

That's all there is.....soccer (softball, basketball, dancing, cheerleading, baseball, horses) and triathlon be damned.

You left out lacrosse! I'm missing an out of town tournament this weekend, because there's a chance to swim in a lake. That's the bad thing about lacrosse 'round here. Not enough playing to keep it all local. It'll be easier for my wife to only have to take care of 2 boys in a hotel, instead of 3 boys and me! I get the 2nd grader. But, my Mom's offered to take him tomorrow night so I can get up early and go swim in a lake and ride a bike for a few hours. So, bonus. I get an entire night to myself. But, I will miss watching them play. I LUUUURVE watching them play lacrosse. 3 games in the span of 1 interminable kid pitch baseball game. Only a handful of parents understand the game enough to be jerks and yell stuff or 'coach' their kid instead of letting the coach do it. Usually it's just parents sitting around watching our kids run like crazy. That's my only suggestion. I can't offer anything on balancing life and such, but I will always take this opportunity to recommend researching "The Matheny Manifesto" or that blog by the swimmer's parent who says kids just want to hear "I love watching you swim/play/etc."

Well, since you brought up a 3 year old response from me, allow me to update.  It turned out that the overall good mostly meant me "sacrificing"....although I came to not look at it that way at all.   I decided that I didn't want to miss anything my kids did.....and I almost never do.  I'm happy to drive them to wherever they need to go, support them in all their endeavors, and watch them grow into young adults.  My wife misses a fair amount because her and one daughter are really busy with their horses, but she's happy with her choices as well.  I think you only get in trouble when someone is obviously unhappy with whatever the arrangement is....then you may have to start compromising and making some changes.

For me, I've had my day......I've actually had many days....and my greatest joy now is watching my kids have theirs. In a few years when they are grown and gone, I'll have more days.

2015-06-11 2:25 PM
in reply to: 3mar

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

Originally posted by 3mar
Originally posted by Left Brain

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.

Wow, I just realized how old this was...LOL. Talk about a zombie post!

Oops, that's on me!!!  

The funny thing is I've done this more than once...

"NOTE TO SELF, BEFORE POSTING, SEE HOW CURRENT THE THREAD IS..."

2015-06-11 2:26 PM
in reply to: Left Brain

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

Originally posted by Left Brain

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.

Pretty funny when you read through the thread contemplating your response, then you come across your response from three years ago.

2015-06-11 2:31 PM
in reply to: SevenZulu

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
Originally posted by SevenZulu

Originally posted by Left Brain

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.

Pretty funny when you read through the thread contemplating your response, then you come across your response from three years ago.




Well...were you at least consistent?
2015-06-11 2:31 PM
in reply to: SevenZulu

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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...

realized

Originally posted by SevenZulu

Originally posted by Left Brain

Hopefully she got it all worked out......3 years is a long time to stew over this stuff.

Pretty funny when you read through the thread contemplating your response, then you come across your response from three years ago.

No doubt.....I read my 3 year old response and immediately realized I got cheated!!  LOL



2015-06-11 5:33 PM
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Subject: RE: Help me work this out in my head...
Deleted as just realized it's 3 years old--thought she was pulling out of her IM to watch softball tournies!

Edited by Hot Runner 2015-06-11 5:34 PM
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