Working on marriage - together or apart

I was married for about 7 years and went through pretty much the same thing. My wife moved out to "find herself" (against my objections). She lost interest in counseling and we drifted apart. UNTIL...I started dating someone else. Then she would cal me and "explain" our separation was just a trial and she was now ready to try to work things out. For whatever reason (probably pride) I wanted none of it. That was 8 years ago. We went our separate ways. I'm still with the same person and very happy.

However, when I look back on the whole situation I put a lot of the blame for everything not working out on myself. I should have fought harder to keep her from moving out and to persuade her to continue counseling. I feel she was looking for that and I didn't deliver. My thought at the time was "if you want to go then go!!". This may ruffle some feathers but as the husband, I was the head of the household and it was my responsibility to work the hardest to keep the family together. 

So, my advice would be to fight to keep your marriage together and put aside your pride (if needed) in doing so.

I was married for 10 years and my ex refuses counseling. I offered to move out to give her space and I found out that she was already checked out of the marriage mentally and just let me move out to make it easier on her. If you want to work on it than see a counselor either individual or couples but do not move out. If one person is already having doubts moving out seems to just make it easier to give up. If she won’t do therapy right now you should go to individual for right now. I did individual when my ex wouldn’t go and I found out so much about myself and realized how many mistakes I made and how to make myself a better person/husband/dad. No matter if your marriage works out if you can improve yourself then you have the best chance for happiness in the long run.

I would say this is more true than false but I would also say it depends if they will go to counseling. If they say I haven’t made up my mind but won't go to counseling then I think they are checked out already.

Well, Bruce Willis, I know you still care about Demi, but, you need to understand that, even though Ashton is immature and not very bright, she is a big girl and will hopefully see the error of her ways.

I also agree with getting to marriage counseling.  I am getting ready to celebrate my 9 yr anniversary, but around the 7 yr mark, we went through some major marriage altering experiences.  It was almost the end, but to give you some perspective: 

We had no idea if we would separate.  We stayed in the house together due to the kids.  We went to couples counseling and individual counseling.  We had some really tough questions to answer, but realized that neither of us was communicating our needs. This was the reason we went downhill.  We were not letting each other know what was bothering us, we were bottling it up, and just yelling it out.  

We also went through the "7 yr itch" as our counselor put it.  That point in the marriage where the newness fades and reality sets in that this is permanent.  I know that sounds weird, but it seems to be a common time between 7 - 10 years when couples priorities change.  Kids, jobs, etc.  

We made it through.  We are actually happier than ever, and are communicating better.  I think you both owe it to yourselves to give it one last attempt.  If you can't work through it, then at least you know you did what you could, and can part on good terms.  You both might surprise yourselves and fall in love all over again.  I wish you the best! 

Yep 10 years here and no comunication was the killer.

Is your or her "give a dam" broken? If not you can work this out together thru patience and some counseling, do yall have friends that you both respect, go to them get help from them, make the point that you want to stay together and work out your issues, each of you be willing to give in to your own selfish desires, if you can do that you will make it!!!

Personally, I think a trial seperation is just the start of the end...

I just think that when you are apart, the "work" is gone and there is less stress.  To be honest.  It's easier.  Most people tend to go the path of least resistance.  That doesn't work for a marriage some times.

When my wife moved out.  I knew it was going to be the end, even if we met up for counceling.  She moved in with single girl friend.  I know she just treated it as a girls time.  Going out, having fun, living the "single" life.  I KNEW she wasn't going to want to come back to the work of a marriage.  Plus I knew she was going to be hanging out with new people/guys.  And of COURSE they are going to be fun.  Pulling out all the stops and fawning over her, telling her how great she is.  You know, the typical guy stuff to meet new girls.  Do you think that going home and argueing or working on relationship issues with ME was going to be more enjoyable than having drinks with some guy who is doing everything he can to win her over?

And then there are the friends.  They only hear HER side of the story and of course think that it's all my fault, and start saying crap like "you don't deserve that" or "you deserve better".  What stake do THEY have in her/my marriage?  None.  Plus they are single and love to have the wingman.

I mean, I do think it COULD work, if someone moved out alone or better yet, with family who were encouraging her to work it out.  They did a lot of soul searching, etc.  But I would think in most cases, it's just a vacation and they live it up.  Who wants to come home from a vacation?  The only problem is, vacations get old too.  And all the "fun" and attention there were getting goes away, and they haven't learned anything.

It's a tough situation.  If you are at each other's throats when you are in the same room, that's no good.  But moving out is more like running away, and that's the begginning of the end to me.  The instant my ex moved out, I knew it was inevitable.

But in MY case.  That was the best thing she ever did for me in the long run.  I have been with my new girl for 10 years, and married for almost 5.  I shudder at the thought of first not being with her at all, and second, if my ex DID make the effort to work it out and we stayed together?  I don't think I would ever have been as happy as I am now.  So I guess I should thank my ex?

By the time my ex and I separated after over 9 yrs, I had no respect for him and didn't love him anymore. It took me years to have the courage to be able to tell him that, though, because I didn't want to see him cry. We had tried couples counseling about 5 yrs prior but went to a woman who basically said I was the one with the problem. In retrospect, and now that I've done training as a couples/family therapist, we probably could have saved our marriage if we had gone to a counselor who specialized in couples therapy. I *strongly* recommend that when you're looking for a couples therapist, you look for someone who is licensed as a marriage and family therapist or a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They will see [you + your wife] as their client and will address the relationship issues rather than your individual issues.

As for her moving out, sometimes it gives a couple some relief from the constant conflict and allows them to primarily interact in a safe space with an objective 3rd party. On the other hand, there are certainly ways to create space within your house so you can get away from each other if need be. Plus staying in the same household is less expensive so it reduces the issue of finances as a source of conflict.

Can't say I have the answer but I'm glad you're both still willing to work on things. I wish you all the best!

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Unearthed this thread because I have been pondering something ... what does a person do when you're the only one in the marriage who sees a problem? I am so sick and tired of having the same conversations over and over ... I explain what I need/want in my relationship, he looks at me blankly, and we go on about our lives. I am spent hours and hours and hours trying to figure out if I am asking for too much, being needy, being "a girl who can never be pleased." But I also spend hours and hours and hours being unhappy and analyzing what I can do better and trying new things, and I go to counseling for myself and read books (and ask that he read them with me, but he never does).

We have a two and half year old. We've only been married a year. Do the math. That right there will tell you that perhaps this was not a match made in heaven from the get-go. But we made those choices and I don't want to be divorced and be a single parent. I feel I am destined to a life of settling. So it's up to me to find happiness and make my daughter's life happy even if my marriage is a pretty big disappointment. It's not bad (I mean, he doesn't beat me and he does have a job) but it's just not what I wanted for myself. It's not what I would want for my daughter.

I'm rambling. And the fact that I am venting on a tri website to people I don't know should tell you where my head space is today. But thanks for listening.

I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't.  I know my wife and I have had some rough patches where we were both ready to check out, but we pushed through them somehow.

I think communication is a huge part of marriage and even more important when there are issues.  Even if it's bad news that comes out it's better to know how he really feels and for him to know how you really feel versus drag on for years and years torturing each other.  I'm sure he knows something's up and probably doesn't know how to talk about it.  Personally I'd lay it all out there, but don't do it in a way that's attacking him.  You don't do this, you don't do that, why aren't you more like X, etc...

I'm a bible thumper and my wife and I have been involved with various couples groups over the years that have really helped us a lot.  The movie "Fireproof" is a great movie for couples going through struggles and there's even a multi-week study that you can get to go along with the book.  Yes it's Christian by nature, but it is still a very good movie that opens up the dialog.

I'm really sorry to hear about this and really hope you can get things worked out.

Good luck

This is where I am struggling. I really, really try to communicate. I am terrible at hiding my feelings, and I am very careful to phrase things in a way that don't sound accusatory or confrontational. I always ask what I can do better, too. I have, more than once, laid it all out there. My struggle now is that I am just so tired. So tired of going through that process only to have to do it again. It makes me feel like I'm a crazy person. Maybe there is something wrong with me? He chooses not to talk about it, or he chooses to not take my feelings seriously, or he really, truly doesn't understand. And I am very tired of trying to make him understand.

That's not going to change until you see a counselor.  I hate to sound like a broken record, but it's true.  Before you or he check out, you need to at least go for one or two sessions.  It might be beneficial, it may be a total waste of $.  Point is, you miss 100% of the shots you never take.  Don't go through life wondering "what if I did...."

I know where you are at, unfortunately.  My ex traveled for work 4 nights a week, and I was left home to work full time, raise 2 kids, and try to train too.  It was an epic fail.  If you're not planning on changing your job to a position where you aren't going to be around long term, you're not going to solve what is likely the root issue.

I hate to sound like an a-hole here, but ending a marriage is sometimes the best thing for everyone involved, including your children.  Go see the counselor though.  If your wife won't go, go by yourself.   I did before my divorce and it made the crash a lot softer.

The cool part is you're trying.  Many people just give up and punch out and I don't get that feeling at all even though you're very tired and struggling.

My wife and I recently did a couples study about "love and respect" (http://loveandrespect.com/) and your situation sounds very familiar to the example they use.  It's a biblical based couples study and goes by the premise that men want to be respected more than anything else and women want to be loved.  I don't know if it's applicable, but you're situation reminded me of it.

I do second the counseling part.  Sometimes counselors just help us communicate our feelings to each other which is often all that's needed.

Well, we went to counseling. She kept seeing her married boyfriend through the counseling and I found out her new residence that she moved to was 10 minutes from him. Coincidence? I dont think so. Game over. We are done.

I've moved on. Wake up and go to bed happy, not worrying about where, who, why. Much more fit and dang, ALL the home projects are done (hey, I had to keep myself occupied somehow...)

Thanks for ALL the advice.

men and women communicate very very very very differently.  i had a miscarriage last year and suffered some PTSD because of it.  my husband, while heartbroken over our loss, never understood why i couldn't just move on.  i went to a therapist on my own.  only sending him to HER helped him get the message.  she was able to be an impartial party, figure out the language he needed to hear, and communicate what i had been failing to get across to him.  from me it was attacking or accusing or admittedly very emotional, from her it was the SAME message, but more easily perceived as logical.  it made a HUGE difference in us moving forward from that point.

mean time, go to a counselor on your own...you need to get this out in a productive manner and BT doesn't count!!