General Discussion Triathlon Talk » Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life.. Rss Feed  
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2012-07-13 3:04 AM


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Subject: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Hi everyone..

2 months ago I was busy training for a duathlon I had entered in June.. I was training, eating properly and going really well..

Then my darling boyfriend caught a chest infection (June 17).. and as he's in a wheelchair I was looking after him while he was sick, and of course on top of not being able to train because I was looking after him, I then caught the chest infection from him and showed symptoms on the Friday (June 22) before the Sunday's duathlon (June 24). Nasty infection too.. 39 degree temp, vomitting, razor blades in the throat, feeling of being hit by a truck.. that ruled me out of the duathlon there and then.

On the same day as the duathlon (June 24) he was admitted to hospital with the chest infection.. on the Tuesday (June 26) he was rushed to ICU.. so I was off work and with him in the hospital from 10am till 8pm every day..

I proposed to him on Saturday June 30, hoping he would be coming out of the hospital.. he accepted, and I went about trying to organise a wedding..

Sadly my fiancè then passed away on the Tuesday, July 3.

We have had his funeral this week and I am trying my hardest to return to some sense of normality, but I am having a lot of trouble.

I have not been eating properly this whole time, because after being sick myself and not being able to eat, I was then at the hospital day and night, and not feeling like eating due to the anxiety. I still don't feel terribly much like eating, but I know if I want to start training again to take my mind off things, I need to fuel myself properly.

I am also going through this grieving process of him not being able to enjoy anything anymore, so why should I enjoy my life?

It almost feels to me like I am disrespecting him by enjoying everything when he can't anymore.

I know this is a huge loss and void in my life, and it will take time to get over, but I need to get out and train to take my mind off everything, but when I don't feel like eating, how can I? Any ideas??



2012-07-13 3:13 AM
in reply to: #4309217

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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
I am so sorry for your loss. I know it must be hard to feel as though you can move on with life, much less train for an event. Perhaps you could do an event in his memory. That way you would be honoring his life. I recently read a story about a military widow who had trouble adjusting after her husband was killed. She created a run in his memory as a way to help start the healing process. I really don't have much advice since I haven't walked in your shoes, but just want to send my condolences.
2012-07-13 3:15 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Sorry for your loss.  6/3/09 got a call, dad fell down the stairs, hit his head, died.  Went to bury him.  Came back 7/2/09, walked into a 24HF 7/3/09.  I had been overweight/obese my whole life, mostly obese.  I don't even know why I walked in, it just happened.  109 lbs later I'm training for my first IM on June 2013.

I train because my dad can't, because when I hurt I know he'd give anything to be alive and hurt too, so I cherish the hurt and the blessing and the opportunity to be out there, so I train and race and bike and everything else for anyone who can't (through not being here any longer, disability, or illness) and it makes life that much more precious and enjoyable for me.  I know what a gift life, this body, this whole experience is.  And the best thing in my life happened because my dad died, which is the ultimate irony.  And I can't share all of this with the one person that was the catalyst.

No advice on the eating but I just thought I'd throw that out there.  And I love long rides because I'm thankful my body is in a condition to do them, and I eat to give thanks to a body that lets me whatever I want.  I want to give thanks back to my body for what it allows me to do.



Edited by GatorDeb 2012-07-13 3:15 AM
2012-07-13 4:14 AM
in reply to: #4309217

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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Wow, I'm just so sorry..... Give yourself some time and space to grieve this loss, and start back when you're ready. I think everyone handles this kind of loss differently. I know it's not the same as loosing a fiance, but when my brother passed away a few years ago, it took me a good long while before I felt like doing any kind of training again. That said, perhaps it might be helpful for you to find some people to train with - consider joining a bike club, tri club, running club, etc. Sometimes knowing someone is waiting to meet you helps you get yourself out the door. As for eating, I can't really offer any advice, other than to try and keep healthy food around, and you'll eat it when you're ready. But most of all, don't force it - your priority right now needs to be your own mental health. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss....

2012-07-13 4:30 AM
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Melon Presser
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

I really feel for you. Please know that you are in my best thoughts and prayers for healing all-around.

One day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Focus on breathing and activity rather than "training." Cup of tea and a brisk (or languid) walk. Your fiancee loved you and would give you good things if he were here; you deserve to give those good things to yourself, like taking care of yourself the best you can.

Some days will be okay. Some will be terrible. I do promise that over time it gets better. Just try to focus on what you can do that day. Eat a salad. Do some yoga. And it's okay if you can't.

2012-07-13 4:43 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
At_Least_I_Tried - 2012-07-13 4:04 AM

Hi everyone..

I am also going through this grieving process of him not being able to enjoy anything anymore, so why should I enjoy my life?

It almost feels to me like I am disrespecting him by enjoying everything when he can't anymore.



I just re-read your post, and I must have missed the above sentiment the first time around.... Please do NOT think you are in any way disrespecting the memory of your fiance by continuing on with your life. As Yanti said, he loved you, and would want you to be happy. Think of what HE would have wanted for you - I'm sure it would not be for you to be sad forever, or to put your own life on hold.... It's okay and perfectly normal to feel the way you do right now, and it will get better over time. Hang in there....




2012-07-13 5:39 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Give yourself time. If you feel like taking a walk, do it. May be a run, go do it, even if it is ten minutes. Or if you feel like laying on the couch, then do that. Right now you may feel like not enjoying anything, and that is ok.I'm sure your fiance would want you to enjoy your life, but give yourself time to grieve, too.

2012-07-13 6:33 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

I just want to say I'm so sorry.

Don't rush back into anything if it doesn't feel right. Take the time you need. Then just start up with activity, not necessarily training. Do whatever you want to do to be active that day - yoga, walking, easy bike ride whatever.

2012-07-13 6:36 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
TriAya - 2012-07-13 5:30 AM

I really feel for you. Please know that you are in my best thoughts and prayers for healing all-around.

One day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Focus on breathing and activity rather than "training." Cup of tea and a brisk (or languid) walk. Your fiancee loved you and would give you good things if he were here; you deserve to give those good things to yourself, like taking care of yourself the best you can.

Some days will be okay. Some will be terrible. I do promise that over time it gets better. Just try to focus on what you can do that day. Eat a salad. Do some yoga. And it's okay if you can't.

x2

 Sorry for your loss

2012-07-13 7:58 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.  Do what you love to do, whatever that may be.  That's what he'd want for you.

Bill

2012-07-13 8:15 AM
in reply to: #4309323

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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Obviously, I feel for you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.  Not sure if this helps but I'll share with you my recent experience.

Last December, I started training for Ironman CdA.  That very same week, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  While the doctors said all the right things I knew his prognosis wasn't good.  When times got tough during training, I often thought about how much tougher my dad had it or, perhaps more relevantly, to focus on the positive and enjoy the fact that I could do whatever training I was doing that day and know that my dad wished he could be active as well.

My hope was that my dad would at least be able to follow me at Coeur d'Alene using the Ironman Live site, since I knew he wouldn't be able to travel up there.  Unfortunately, he passed away a little less than two months before the race.  I immediately decided to make the race about him and worked with a regional cancer research and treament facility to set up a fundraising site.  I ended up raising approximately $3,000 in his honor and spent much of the race time thinking about my dad.  If not absolute closure, it gave me a certain amount of peace regarding his passing.

I think I understand your feelings of guilt (for lack of a better word).  My mom and dad were married for 44 years and my mom carries that feeling with her often, in the way you expressed (he's not around to enjoy something, why should I?).  I think the answer is that my dad would want my mom and I to enjoy and embrace life while still holding on to his memory.  If you could talk to your fiance now, I'd suggest he'd say something similar to you: grieve but don't feel guilty and try to enjoy and embrace life.  He'll always be a part of you and you'll be honoring his memory by living your life to the fullest.

Again, sorry for your loss.  There are no easy answers regarding how you should handle the death of someone so close to you and I wish you strength and peace as you deal with this difficult time in your life.



2012-07-13 8:23 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Don't even know what to say.  I am so sorry for your loss. 
2012-07-13 8:57 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

My deepest condolences.  I can only imagine your pain.  I've never lost anyone that close to me.

You are not disrespecting him by living.  I love my wife very much, but I would go on with my life if she died and would want her to do the same if died.  I don't imagine it would be easy, especially not the week after.

Focus on life right now.  Triathlons and sports can wait if they are not a part of your healing process.  A broken bone would take time to heal.  And you'd see a doctor, right?  Well, something else is broken now (heart/soul/...).  It will take time to heal, and you may need to see a doctor.  What you have is not a scratch or bruise, it's a major injury.  The recuperation will take time.

Best wishes.

2012-07-13 9:01 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Wow, that is a pretty bad month and it's not even over yet. It's good that you want to do something to get back to normality. This is a good outlet. I like the idea of doing a race in his honor. Maybe put it on the back of a shirt or your calf so people can see it when you pass them, make it big letters though since you will be going so fast.
2012-07-13 9:49 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Wow. Losing someone you've committed to spending the rest of your life with is about as rough as it gets. Grief counseling might be able to help you answer your questions in the ways that best fit you. Many places offer free or low-cost counseling services, and it may only take a few sessions to get you back on track to healing and moving forward. Keep rocking on!
2012-07-13 9:53 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Leegoocrap - 2012-07-13 6:36 AM
TriAya - 2012-07-13 5:30 AM

I really feel for you. Please know that you are in my best thoughts and prayers for healing all-around.

One day at a time. One hour at a time if need be. Focus on breathing and activity rather than "training." Cup of tea and a brisk (or languid) walk. Your fiancee loved you and would give you good things if he were here; you deserve to give those good things to yourself, like taking care of yourself the best you can.

Some days will be okay. Some will be terrible. I do promise that over time it gets better. Just try to focus on what you can do that day. Eat a salad. Do some yoga. And it's okay if you can't.

x2

 Sorry for your loss

x3

Sorry for your loss



2012-07-13 10:05 AM
in reply to: #4309217

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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Wow, so very sorry for your loss.  Your story just floored me, and that chest infection sounds so bad. 

I lost my mother unexpectedly 2 years ago.  When she passed, I, like you, could not eat.  Truly, physically, could not eat.  Yet I knew I had to have something, so I would drink higher calorie drinks that gave some bang for their buck (not junk drinks).  Chocolate milk and eventually smooth soups were my diet for close to a week before I could even attempt to eat real food.  Grieving takes time, and for everyone it is different.  Take as much time as you need off of 'training' to take care of YOU.  Two weeks after my Mom passed, after much internal debate (with the same issues you are fighting with), I did a 5K mud run that I had signed up for long before her passing.  It really felt good to do something.  I just did the race at my own pace.  I thought of her often and cried a few times during the race, but it still felt good.

Like others have said, it is doubtful your fiance would have wanted you to sit around mourning.  Surely he would want you to take a walk or be active in some way.  Nature can be a wonderful healer.  Best wishes to you. 

2012-07-13 11:35 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

This is a devastating loss. I am so sorry to hear about it.

Some people on this forum, including me, have suffered similar losses so you are in the company of caring friends here. Please stick around.

Ideas for coping?

1. Honor your fiancee' by completing the grieving process. You will never forget him obviously. But the awful pain that consumes you after such a loss will subside and be replaced by enduring love for him. It is our human way of granting him continuing life within yourself.

Go through the greiving process and lean on your friends for support and comfort. Coming here was a good move too.

John Kennedy quoted Aeschylus on this theme:

"In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom.”

Pain is replaced by memory, and memory honors. We grow from there.

Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself.

As things improve continue to take care of yourself. Don't neglect that. Remember- your fiancee' loved you, and that is what he would want.

I'm a book guy, and I have found this book incredibly helpful. If you take comfort and counsel from books perhaps it will serve you well also:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0931580439/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0887491294&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0PXMKQ8M7HMDCNNG7QQ1

How to Survive the Loss of a Love

 



Edited by Tom Demerly. 2012-07-13 11:36 AM
2012-07-13 11:40 AM
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Master
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Ughhh, I'm really sorry to hear about this.  =

*** hugs ***

2012-07-13 11:52 AM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
Wow.... Sorry for your loss.Survivor guilt sucks but it isn't going out and having fun like you may feel. You are trying to put the pieces back together. It is healthy.
2012-07-13 1:51 PM
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Master
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
I am so so sorry for your loss.  You took care of your fiancee, now be sure to take care of you, however that looks.  Figure out what YOU need now (whether it be support, or to train, or help with meals) and ask for help.  Be gentle with yourself.  I pray for peace for you.


2012-07-13 1:54 PM
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Master
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..

Wow, I cannot even image what you're going through.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  Hang in there.  Having lost my dad suddenly last year, I can tell you that the pain does ease, even if right now it feels like it never will. 

Celebrate his life and do everything you can to take care of yourself because you deserve it after what you've been through.  And that's what he would want for you, to be happy and to find a way back to enjoying life.

2012-07-13 2:03 PM
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Subject: RE: Trying to get back to normal after the worst month of my life..
At_Least_I_Tried - 2012-07-13 4:04 AM

Hi everyone..

2 months ago I was busy training for a duathlon I had entered in June.. I was training, eating properly and going really well..

Then my darling boyfriend caught a chest infection (June 17).. and as he's in a wheelchair I was looking after him while he was sick, and of course on top of not being able to train because I was looking after him, I then caught the chest infection from him and showed symptoms on the Friday (June 22) before the Sunday's duathlon (June 24). Nasty infection too.. 39 degree temp, vomitting, razor blades in the throat, feeling of being hit by a truck.. that ruled me out of the duathlon there and then.

On the same day as the duathlon (June 24) he was admitted to hospital with the chest infection.. on the Tuesday (June 26) he was rushed to ICU.. so I was off work and with him in the hospital from 10am till 8pm every day..

I proposed to him on Saturday June 30, hoping he would be coming out of the hospital.. he accepted, and I went about trying to organise a wedding..

Sadly my fiancè then passed away on the Tuesday, July 3.

We have had his funeral this week and I am trying my hardest to return to some sense of normality, but I am having a lot of trouble.

I have not been eating properly this whole time, because after being sick myself and not being able to eat, I was then at the hospital day and night, and not feeling like eating due to the anxiety. I still don't feel terribly much like eating, but I know if I want to start training again to take my mind off things, I need to fuel myself properly.

I am also going through this grieving process of him not being able to enjoy anything anymore, so why should I enjoy my life?

It almost feels to me like I am disrespecting him by enjoying everything when he can't anymore.

I know this is a huge loss and void in my life, and it will take time to get over, but I need to get out and train to take my mind off everything, but when I don't feel like eating, how can I? Any ideas??

wow... sorry for your loss. That is awful. I am not going to even try and say I understand because I don't. I have been very fortunate to not have to experience death other than relatives that have lived a very long life.

In my opinion though I think he would think that you are disrespecting him by NOT enjoying life. The love you two shared was more than likely not one based on "not having fun", so I don't think you should stop 'having fun' because he cannot. He is there with you always and he would want you to enjoy your life and live that life for the both of you. You need to celebrate his life and live. By taking the other direction you are in essence dying with him and he would not want that.

Train because you can, in his honor. Race because you can, in his honor.  Life throws us a curveball and I'd rather go down swinging than taking a pitch, any day of the week.

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