Adoption Thread

And to speak a little more on the cost issue:

Currently the cost to adopt from China is in the neighborhood of $25,000 - $30,000.

BUT.

The US offers and adoption tax credit that maxes out at around $13,000, depending on your income.  The credit is used to offset your expenses... so if your expenses are less than $13,000, then you can't claim the entire credit.      And it's a CREDIT.   So you definitely get it all back.  

Some companies offer adoption benefits.   Mine didn't during our first adoption, but does now.   $5,000.   Also payable after the adoption is final.   The tax rules say that you can't "double up" and use the adoption benefit from your company to cover the same expenses you're claiming for the credit.   In this case, it doesn't matter, the total expenses are WAY more than the adoption benefit and the tax credit.

Many churches are more than willing to help their members defray some adoption costs.   We didn't go this route because we were able to cover most of the expenses, and we didn't want to be a burden when there are many more people who need things way more than us.   But, the resources are there in most cases.

So, while I still have to "front" the entire amount, I get a lot of it back.   It's still a barrier for many people... but there are resources out there that make it easier.

It was "on the block" and may have been cut and then restored.   However, they DID make it NON-refundable in 2012.   (I'll see if I can still edit my original post to remove that bit! )

http://www.irs.gov/Individuals/Adoption-Benefits-FAQs

Thanks for starting this thread!
For any who affiliate with Christianity, many churches yesterday promoted "Orphan Sunday" - mine had an interesting stat that in our region there are 350 children awaiting adoption and 1000 churches. 

Thanks to all who do this selfless act - and for those of us who can't, there are many other ways to give to orphans... donating to an organization, volunteering time at a children's home, offering babysitting services to foster families, etc.

We adopted both our children in the U.S.

They were placed with us when they were 4 days old. We paid fees of around $2,000 or something like for adoption services. At that time we went through Catholic Social Services. That included workshops, home studies and the help of their Adoption Specialist. She counseled us, met with birth mothers, counseled them and also had to be on call. The night we adopted my son she brought him to us at the house at 8:00 in the evening and had already spent days working with birth mom and an interm family who took care of my son until he was placed with us. So, $2,000 seems cheap when I think of all she did just for us. 

We were told that we would be responsible for the costs of the births. For my son the total was around $10,000 but at that time there was a tax credit so we got a lot of that back. My daughters medical bills were taken care of and we never figured out what happened there. So just the fees to CSS in her case. Then there were lawyer fees to finalize the adoption and take care of the father registry thing. I forget what that is officially called.

This may not be typical but this was our experience.

Really they are costing us a lot more now than they did just to bring them home .

3. There were so many girls who were in orphanages JUST BECAUSE they were girls. This broke our hearts!  We're very sure that there's a couple in China somewhere who desperately misses this little girl: 

THIS!

What a beautiful, lucky little girl, and she has obviously picked her parents well. Truly good "work," Ryan.

Nice new avi too :)

I just want to say you guys are all awesome!!!  No matter what the cost, or where your heart leads you to adopt, you're giving a child a future.  

I just want to say you guys are all awesome!!!  No matter what the cost, or where your heart leads you to adopt, you're giving a child a future.  

oops, double post, but that was worth saying twice.  

That picture is ridiculously adorable!

I wish you luck with everything as you prepare for the next member of your family to arrive.  It takes very special people to care for special children.  You and your wife must have so much love in your hearts.  This child will likely make you see the world in ways you never thought possible.  It is very inspiring!

I love that there are so many people who want to give a fabulous home to a child who needs it!   

I really hope this doesn't sound insensitive or offensive to anyone (and if it is insensitive, please feel free to tell me to get lost), but I'm genuinely curious.  My question - and I guess this is more of a question to the general "you" for those people that have adopted - is why the choice for international adoption over adopting a child from the US or even North America?  

I know it was mentioned that a medical condition may prohibit people from adopting a child from the US, but are there also other factors that I haven't thought of or considered? 

Dave - thank you so much for the insight into an area that I'm woefully uneducated about.  I really hadn't thought of the hoops and red-tape that exist here in trying to adopt a child.  Do you think there's a way to make the adoption process less frustrating for people?  I don't know that there's an 'easy' (for lack of a better word) solution, but it sounds like there could be room for improvement?  

I'm so glad it's worked out so well for you and your family.     

Being a foster parent was something else that I hadn't thought of and you're right, I couldn't imagine falling in love with a child and wanting to be their parent, only to have that opportunity taken away.  I don't think I would be strong enough for that, and, like you, have nothing but respect for those that have taken that step to give a child a good home.  

haha!  preach it, brother!  

They told us China was very picky about the condition of the $100 bills we would use to pay the orphanage fee.  They suggested that we order $10,000 of new bills directly from the US Treasury.  I remember being EXTREMELY disappointed at the size of a $10,000 stack of money.  

Other people in our travel group did not order from the Treasury and had some of their bills rejected.   We had to trade them some. 

I will also agree with your other statements.   International adoption is pretty much *predictable* and *final*.

I get really torn up when I see adoption fights in the US.   On the one hand, I get really cheesed off when I see grandparents going back and trying to reverse an adoption.   Then, on the other hand, I get really cheesed off when I see a father getting shafted out of contact with his own kid, after the mother ran away and gave the kid up.   It's a mess, and there's no good solution.

For those of you interested in some stories from China adoption, there was a great documentary this year called "Somewhere Between"   Of course I'm biased toward the subject matter, but we found it very interesting.

We went through all of what Pitt described, but now most of it is just a memory. We made the scrapbook and wrote a letter to birth mothers trying to describe ourselves. We had to have home studies, put in a certain number of hours reading, watching videos and going to workshops to learn about being parents. Ironic considering we were both teachers and I actually had many years working as a Early Head Start home visitor. My job at one time was to visit families at home and provide parenting material and early childhood activities. Ha, but you've got to jump through the hoops.

You have choices with a domestic adoption. We were pretty open so we filled out our paperwork to include toddlers up to age 5 if I remember right, different races, special needs. I think this had a lot to do with being teachers and working with families in the community already. We saw first hand that there were children, families, mothers who needed a helping hand. We could do that, we could be that. But it is definitely not for everyone. And then the choice to consider open adoption or not. This was not an easy decision but we finally came to the understanding that for us, to accept the child but close off ties to the family could eventually lead to the child feeling like we are rejecting part of them. This is not for everyone and is a very personal decision. Each person or couple has to know what they can handle long term or what they are willing to undertake. Once again, I think our backgrounds as teachers helped us be able to take this avenue. 

And the waiting, never knowing when the phone rang if this was going to be it, yes, that is not easy. I remember telling our secretary at school - I'm sure this is never going to happen but just in case so & so calls please send it straight to my room. Of course you think it is never going to happen until it happens - more than once. And the birth mothers changing their mind, yes, we experienced that also. We were very grounded in our decision to adopt as one part wanting to be parents and one part wanting to reach out to our community. So while this was heart wrenching I had a bit of comfort knowing that for 72 hours or so a birth mother felt some comfort knowing there was someone she could lean on. It was hard to be used like that - no doubt about it, but it was not in vain. Also I always compare it to a miscarriage. I watched my sister go through that 4 times. There are no guarantees no matter which way you go about starting a family.

The waiting in our case was not long at all. The first time around we were "in the book" so to speak for 9 months. During that 9 months we were chosen 3 different times so it was really a roller coaster. My son was #4. And we got the call on my birthday, during my birthday dinner, with all of my husbands family sitting right there. I looked at my Mother in Law and said pack up my dinner, I'm going home to get a baby! Memories.... I'm getting off track I know.

But the flip side of that is that my son was the only baby placed in our region that calendar year.

Waiting for our daughter - we were in the book this time for 1 week. Although that was January and Birth Mom was not due until April so the waiting involved more worry about birth complications and of course that feeling never left that she would certainly change her mind because that was our experience the first time around. No mind changing that time though!

The birth father registry - that is pretty awful. While you are doing everything you possibly can to bond with a newborn you always have this in the back of your mind that the birth father can come forward and claim the baby. Ick, 30 days of that if I remember right. I would not let my sisters have a baby shower or anything until that 30 days was over.

Court costs, lawyers - meh. Hearing the judge declare the babies ours is really the only part that even made an impression there.

My sons birth mother chose a closed adoption but pictures and a letter once a year. My daughters birth mother/family chose a slightly more open adoption. We communicate on FB and have a Christmas visit once a year. The hardest part of the arrangements is that they are not the same. My son questions why his birth mother has no contact with him. My daughter is too young to understand. She just thinks everyone goes to get a baby where we went to get her . A

I know this is kind of long winded and everyone who started reading is probably asleep by now but I just wanted to share our experience. There are definitely obstacles with domestic adoption but like I said at the start, most of that is just a memory now. The waiting, the roller coaster all of it was just part of the experience and now is the rest of the story. 

I welcome questions so if anyone has anymore don't be afraid to ask!

I didn't read everyone's comments...but I wish there was less cost associated with adoption. I've questioned WHY it's so expensive (thanks for your thoughts/explanation Moondawg) but I think I've questioned why it's so expensive when there are so many idiots people having kids right and left who don't want them. And they get to do it for MUCH, MUCH less than what adopters pay.

Hopefully I haven't crossed the line into a Political COJ rant.

My brother & sister-in-law adopted. Iris is 3 1/2 and is absolutely adorable. I never realized that such a small finger could have my brother wrapped around it.

I'm going to tread VERY lightly here, because I am definitely NOT calling Elesa out on this.   But I want to address the bolded part for a second.

We hear this sentiment a lot.  "What a lucky girl!"  It's real easy to see it that way. There are probably reasons to consider her "lucky."   But many, many times, adoptees don't feel "lucky."  It's hard to feel "lucky" when you have some really serious, deep, and unanswered questions about why your birth parents abandoned you.

I wasn't going to respond directly, but I saw something today that really hit home and I knew I needed to speak up for Stella:

"A Child born to another woman calls me 'Mommy.'  The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." 

While I'm the wrong gender to fully appreciate that statement... I get the gist of it.   Every adoption starts with some sort of tragedy.   It's easy for those of us who are not adopted to forget that.

Thanks for listening.  I've loved this thread so far, and I hope people continue to contribute.  

Hey great thread all.  I have always understood that there are waaaay more parents who want to adopt an infant than available infants. Have I misunderstood or has this changed?  Also my sister worked for Catholic Social Services said that 3 out of 10 birth mothers can think about giving a child up for adoption but only 1 our of 10 can actually do it.  I've never been pregnant so don't know but any of you moms out there could you have given up your child even if the circumstances were dismal?  (I'd love to hear from Dad's too but you don't have quite the physical connection.)

What I've read about being a woman in China is not good.  You parents of Chinese girls are of course lucky but boy oh boy the situation for girls/women is not good in China so your little girl is lucky to grow up American.  There is a book called Message from a Chinese Mother which is a good read - horrifying and enlightening.

The more I see of parenthood the harder it seems to me.   All my respect to you all with kids!