How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse? (Page 4)

depends how long I've been saving the pocket money she gives me.......

Maybe I'm lucky, but it really is not that hard at the Kido household.  I can't think of one item in the last 12 years where it was "I GOT to have this" and she was saying "no way" and had to battle it out.  The worst it gets is she may ask if I REALLY need that, and I typically relent because she is right (or visa versa) and I don't.

I'm fortunate.  Because I generally say if she wants it?  She can have it.  But I'm lucky that she doesn't want much.  I assume same goes for me.  I know people say money may be the biggest issue in a marriage.  But for me?  We hardly ever talk about money, much less argue about it.  Maybe 3 times in 12 years we had any heated conversation regarding money.  We barely give any thought to it. 

Maybe because we like to use our money to do things together rather than own things.  We will drop 5-6k on a vacation abroad every year and never think twice rather than update the cars we drive that are 10 years old already.  Or get the latest designer handbags or watches or shoes.  "Stuff" doesn't draw us as much as experiences together do.  I would GLADELY drive the Acura another year just to be able to do a two week castle tour of Scotland/Ireland with my wife.

This has been an interesting discussion, thank you everyone. The one area I wonder about is the "What If" kind of stuff. If you have seperate accounts and one of you loses a job for an extended period of time, what happens? I imagine one covers for the other.  Then what happens later, when both are back to work? Repayment? As one of the "joint account people" I'm just trying to understand.

And I really do hope that this isn't something anyone has had to work through.

I would take over whatever payments she couldn't. No payback (unless that is something that was important to her. Which would be a discussion)

We've always had a joint account for everything.  All pay went into it and all bills were paid out of it.  I would say the threshold was probably in the $100ish dollar range where either one of us would ask questions.

We had a little "incident" about three years ago where we discussed me buying a Tri bike and I knew I had a big bonus check coming so it wasn't a big deal.  I got a budget of $2500.  Well, me being me I came home with a $3500 Tri bike and about $1000 in accessories to go with it.  Hey, I needed a matching  helmet and shoes.  
We could certainly afford it, but lets just say I didn't get any "pizza" that night.

There had been a few times where I had nitpicked some of my wifes purchases in the past as well, so we decided to create our own separate discretionary checking accounts and give ourselves a monthly allowance.  This way neither one of us can complain about what we buy because it's in the budget and we both get the same.

We've done that for almost 4 years now and it's worked out really well and makes life much easier when I come home with something stupid I got suckered into buying.

My advice to others is to simply communicate and work out a system that works for you and your significant other.  If your number is $500 and your wife's number is $20 then you're going to have some issues. 

We are both conservative about spending and have never had a reason to set a limit. I get nervous about spending large sums of money and tend to avoid it. Hubby takes forever to make a decision about anything so no worries there. He has been talking about trading off his truck on another vehicle for 3 months and he is no closer now than he was 3 months ago. By the time he makes a decision I will just be glad I don't have to hear him talk about cars anymore . Also add into the mix that we live in a rural area without very many shopping options so that erases a lot of impulse purchases. We have always kept a joint bank account. 

I am not working full time so I tend to keep any money I get for birthday or Christmas presents separate. I keep a stash aside for things that are just for me then I don't feel guilty about spending on something frivolous like a massage or tri stuff. Hubby does not make me feel guilty, it is just me. Probably due to growing up listening to my mother tell me to save every penny I was ever given as a child!

The funniest money story we have faced was my purchase of a tri bike.

At the time I decided to try to save for the bike I was working 3 hours a week for minimum wage at the Y while my "real" job was a stay at home Mom. You can imagine, this was going to take a while. But every 2 weeks I would cash my pay check and put it in my bike fund jar along with any birthday or Christmas money. It started to add up and I was about half way there. One day we were at the lake out on the boat and my daughter (she was probably 2) started fussing and whining. Hubby turned to me and said "I will pay you $1,000 if you can get her to be quiet!" So I put her on my lap, covered her with a towel and she fell asleep in about 5 minutes.

I still love my tri bike, and he will still say that was some of the best money he ever spent. Teamwork .

That's funny.

I wrote about this in another post but edited it out because I was getting WAY too verbose already.

TO ME, separate accounts doesn't mean separate money.  It's only two places we put money.  She deposits her paychecks in hers, and I deposit my paychecks in mine, but it's OUR money.

Mortgage comes automatically out of mine (along with insurance) and bills come out of hers.  If we have a big expense or vacation?  Who ever has a surplus buys the big items.  If someone runs short?  The other transfers over a couple thousand.

When I was unemployed, I still managed to pay for the mortgage and insurance for a while but when I got low, transferred the mortgage to hers.  I guess we figured so many of our bills were already electronically paid out of one account or the other, why bother setting up a new "joint" account and change everything?

When I started working again, mortgage electronically came out of mine again and now I have built up my buffer. 

If I buy a half gallon of ice cream.  And she buys a half gallon of ice cream, we have two containers of ice cream we both eat from in the freezer.  There are no "paybacks" or complaints one person is eating more than the other or asking permission to eat "their" ice cream.  We don't buy a gallon Tupperware container and transfer all the ice cream into it so it's a "joint" ice-cream container.  It's really that simple.  Two places that have OUR money.  BTW, both our names are on both our accounts.  I just manage "mine", she managers "hers".  Some people have a bills account and a vacation account or a rainy day account.  Still everyone's money, just spread out a little differently.

Now this made me laugh And I think it's a sign of a healthy relationship - when you look forward to harmlessly, mildly annoying the other one just for kicks

I'll bite. 

Why have the separate accounts at all then? Is it really just the inconvenience of opening a joint account and changing the online bills? Or is there a feeling of independence knowing if all he*l breaks loose you have your own account? Is it so the other person doesn't see every little spending indiscretion? 

Just wondering out loud. LB and his wife seem to be very separate in their accounts, ie not a lot of transferring a couple thousand back and forth, no both names on the accounts and such. Your situation as you say sounds more "our money in different places" mentality. Just wonder the reason for separate places if it is really "our" money. 

I can think of several reasons.  First, I bought the house and pay for my car and lots of other stuff automatically from my account prior to our marriage.  I even got some breaks (The bank I got the mortgage from cut a half point or something IF I also had an account with them that I electronically deposited my paycheck in).  Same with her.  Too lazy to change I guess?  First thing we did is add each other to our existing accounts, 401k's, added her to the house title when we re-fi'ed, and added each other as beneficiaries.  Mostly so the other person could get at it if we get hit by a bus.

Also, she is self employed and incorporated.  So she has a corporate account AND her personal account that she "pays" herself from (the clients pay her corporation, then her corporation pays her).  This was strongly suggested to us by our tax accountant to both help identify company expenses and write-offs, and get tax breaks.  It also protects our personal assets if there is a corporate problem.

For us, it's a really simple way to identify business expenses (paid from her corporate account), and personal expenses.  We can give our accountant her corporate ledger and he works his magic.  We can also easily identify all home improvement costs from her personal account, and mortgage and insurance from mine.  We are even allowed to write off a portion of entertainment costs since she is in the business and it can be considered research or career development.  So again, it's a much easier way to keep things organized than if EVERY item we paid for for an entire year was coming out of one account.

As for a "separation"?  First of all.  Not going to happen as far as I can tell.  Second?  Separate accounts don't mean squat if it came to it.  You both have to list all your assets (and liabilities) and then they get divided for you if you can't come to an agreement.  So separate accounts don't offer any kind of protection or independence.

It's really just a game of tax breaks, airline miles, credit card points, and organization.  No deep psychological meaning behind it.  Maybe some feel that if it's not a joint account it's not "open" to the other that they are keeping secrets.  That's not us though.  Like I said earlier, I we trust each other to not harm "us".  And as for spending indiscretions?  They either don't happen or I don't CARE if she has an indiscretion.  She gets yet another pair of boots?  Who cares?  It's not an indiscretion unless it does harm.  So far, that hasn't happened and I we trust each other that we wouldn't let it happen.  Maybe we are foolish to trust each other so much?  I figured that's what married people do.  I COULD be a closet gambler and she would never know unless they took the house for missed payments!

This will REALLY blow some minds.  She still hasn't taken my last name yet.  GASP!!!!!!!  She has her name that she has marketed herself as for her corporation and there is no real reason to change it.  When/if we have kids?  Things may change.  And on some documents, it's hyphenated.  But it really doesn't matter legally and doesn't change how we feel about each other.  But yet, many people, including some of my family, think there's something very wrong with that and not following the tradition.  Her father also didn't "give her away" and I didn't "take" her.  She a person, not a plant - no need to perpetuate dated traditions, IMO.  It all kind of goes together.

I just asked Mama Bear this question and she said, "There is no need to ask, we just use common sense."  

Married for 25+ years, never had an argument of substance over finances. Closest we come is when I have to tell her to quit being so cheap frugal and spend some money on herself.

actually, mr. meh and i have only one account total for everything because for me - it's just easier to manage all things out of one fund rather than figure out who pays what.  and we're lazy.  when we got married it was easier to add me to his bank than it was to change my name at my bank.  however, we still have things that are mine or his or ours.  i'm still very much an individual in addition to being a part of a team.

she shouldn't need a reason or justification for this, however.  i don't know why a woman changing her name or not impacts anyone in the world besides her.  i'm not a bra-burner and DID change my name when i married (more because i dislike father than because i am my husband's property) but my friends are pretty much 50/50 and some of them had no reason besides "it is a pain in the a-- to do it" and they are right and that is a fine reason.

Ditto here - one of my friends was a Realtor when she got married and had an established brand with her name and did not change it (all though 3 years later I see she is hyphenating). Another friend was a Broadway singer with a "brand" as well, but she DID change her name because she wanted to. A third friend never changed her name - no idea why - don't really care why. I don't bat an eye when people do, or don't.