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2006-10-02 4:41 PM

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Subject: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
I am starting to notice a problem arising between me and my wife because of my new lifestyle. I have always been pretty athletic, but I never stuck to any sort of diet because I didn't feel as though I needed it. I made the decision about 4 months ago that I would like to be in very good shape and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. My wife has steadily gained weight since we got married 3 years ago and today, she has probably gained 75 lbs since our wedding day. Now, this doesn't necessarily bother me. What bothers me is that she is constantly making excuses for herself not working out and complains about how unhappy she is about her weight. I try to be supportive, but it's getting to the point where I am just saying "Look, you need to eat right and work out more, it's not rocket science it's just difficult."
That obviously is not going over well as you can imagine. She wants me to be her personal trainer and control her eating habits, but I don't think that is either beneficial to her, or our marriage. Anyone else facing similar problems? Anyone have any advice? I'd really rather keep my marriage and my sanity at the same time. I am not going to go back to the way I was.

Edited by trifocus 2006-10-02 4:49 PM


2006-10-02 4:48 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

Two words = tandem bike!

Another two words = gym membership!

Another two words = involve friends!

HTH! 

2006-10-02 4:49 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

We generally race together.  In the event that it's a race that only I'm doing, he does the same thing I do at the races he does alone: stand stategically at each event and yell encouragement and offer kisses.

The cutest thing is when we race in the same event... since he always finishes long before me, he usually walks the run course backward from the finish and runs the last little bit with me.  Such a sweetie.

I suspect that you're asking because you and your spouse DO NOT tri together.  I can't really speak to that.  Since triathlon is so important to each of us, it's pretty much expected that we'd go to each others race.

But, there are plenty of people on BT who have non-triathlete spouses, and they've each come up with a way of handling races that works for them. 
 

2006-10-02 4:50 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
Well, we have a membership to a VERY nice gym with everything you could possibly imagine. She just doesn't use it.
2006-10-02 4:57 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

At a core level, your wife will need to self-motivate.  Without this, there's little you can do but offer encouragement and enticements.

You have the gym membership, perhaps you need to find her the right personal trainer.  Someone who may help motivate and--more importantly coach her.  Often people respond better to the personal trainers than spouses, or friends.

Was she every athletic?  If so, perhaps revisiting an old sport, or a shoot-off of said sport.  Does she have athletic friends?  Can you get them to involve your wife?  Does she like yoga?  Pilates?   

Eating better starts in the home.  Get rid of any/all junk food, potato chips, cookies, etc.  Ditch the all the sodas and alcohol while you're at it.  Get used to drinking water, and if that gets boring--sparkling waters, or flavored sparkling waters.  Replace the junk food with fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts, cereals, etc.  

2006-10-02 4:59 PM
in reply to: #558196

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COURT JESTER
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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
“Honey, I would LOVE to help you reach whatever fitness goals you have.  Just realize that in the end it is YOU who are responsible for your results.”
And say it with a LOT of Love and Enthusiasm !!


2006-10-02 5:04 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Elite
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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

I can definitely understand your concerns.  I'm in a nearly identical situation though my wife has recently chosen to do something about it (WeightWatchers).  There's nothing that you can do to make her want to engage in a healthier lifestyle.  Perhaps you could try making it less about how much work its going to be and more about how you're concerned for her health.  A 75 pound weight gain in three years is pretty alarming and the impact of carrying that much additional weight on her short and long term health is substantial.  You can be a great spouse, supporter, cheerleader, cook, etc. but only she can do it for herself.  When she chooses to do so, her chances of succeeding will rise immeasureably. 

Good luck!

Tom 

2006-10-02 5:32 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
Well, honestly, I have become increasingly alarmed and worried about what it is going to do to her. She's an RN, so she obviously knows the health risks, she's just denying them I believe. This has been really great advice and I thank you all for your timely and excellent input.
2006-10-02 7:09 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
Well, this was the year for me to snap to it about my weight. I too gained about 75 lbs after I got married to my hubby. My husband is the guy who can eat anything and not gain weight, I look at food and gain. Anyways, I started to work out and eat right after I saw a photo of myself and didn't know who that person was. I started to eat right and work out on my own. I lost nearly 35 lbs and love it. But it was my choice, no one elses.
My advice to you, let her make the decision to want to change. Be there for her when she's ready. But don't tell here how to do it. Not many wives like their hubbies, even if they mean well, to get up and do something. She's gotta want to do it herself. Keep on treking with what your doing. Maybe she'll do better if she had a gal pal to work out with her.
Good Luck
2006-10-02 7:30 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Master
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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
I've managed to convinced my husband to train for a tri, but he's so out of shape right now that all he can do is walk. And it is like pulling teeth to get him to walk the dog. The only thing I've managed to find that gets him moving is making him watch old Kona footage. It brings out his competitive nature.

That being said, he's a man, and easy to manipulate. Your wife on the other hand, probably has a lot going on inside her head. I mean, she's gained 75 lbs, and you're getting trim and fit and hot. This brings on thoughts of inadequacy I'm sure. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing, and ask her to come to your races and cheer you on. Take a walk now and again, and ask her to come along. Maybe cook a healthy dinner a couple times a week. You can't make her change, and anything you try will likely backfire, because hey! that's what happens with women. We are strange and fascinating creatures. Just give it time, and pray for a whole lot of patience.
2006-10-02 7:37 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

As someone who trains for triathlons to lose weight, I encourage you to involve your wife in your tri experience.

Help her find an athletic activity that she enjoys, whatever that is....personally I have always hated working out....and working out in the gym drives me nuts.  Triathlons are nice because you can get outside and measure your accomplishments not only but the weight lost but by physical performance.  When I started in January, I couldn't run at all......and I literally ran speed bump to speed bump in my condo community.  

Now, I have lost 42 pounds, have completed 3 5ks and 2 tris....I'm hooked and feel much better.  I've got a lot of weight to still lose and I'm still slow but training has really provided me with the motivation to stick with it.......I feel so good crossing the finish line and knowing how far I've come.  

Whatever she decides, the motivation to change has to come from her....but a little knudge from you wouldn't hurt.  



2006-10-02 7:56 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

I have a similar thing going on with Hubby.  We both gained, I started training, I'm starting to lose, he's still sitting on the couch.  He keeps saying "I need to join a gym" (which doesn't jive with his schedule at all) or "I need to buy XYZ expensive diet plan/pills/meals" (don't get me started) or "I need a jogging stroller" (we have a treadmill, or go buy a jogger already).  It's always something that he needs but doesn't have that gives him yet another excuse not to start. 

But, I can't start for him.  He's gotta take that step, and get over whatever he's putting in his OWN path that's blocking him from getting fit.  If I remind, it's nagging.  If I don't buy sweets/saltys, he goes out and gets them while at work.  He's a big boy now (no pun intended, really) so I'm just going to support where it's positive and leave the rest alone.

Besides, if he did start up, I'd have even more schedule-wrangling to do... it's hard enough for ME to get a workout in as it is

(I jest, you know I jest, right?)

~Christine

2006-10-02 8:27 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

Oh!  When I first posted to this thread, your box was empty.  Now it makes a bit more sense, although my response doesn't.

As the over-weight person in this relationship, I can tell you that you cannot make her do anything.  Just like you cannot make someone else change their religion or political affiliation just because you have found eternal happiness and fulfillment in your own beliefs.

In this case, though, instead of finding Jesus/AA/the Libertarian Party, you've found triathlon and the benefits of a fit and healthy lifestyle.

What you can do is live a life of example.  Be excited about your new goals.  Share your stories.  Not as a way to try to entice her to join you, but as a way to genuinely express your happiness.

And, no matter what you do, don't ever make her feel bad about her own decisions.  If you're concerned about her health, tell her that you love her very much and worry about her health (physical and mental).  But also let her know that you love her whether she works out or not; whether she modifies her diet or not; whether she takes up a love of triathlon or not.

She wants you to be her trainer because it's overwhelming and so many people (myself included) are completely boggled by all the different and often conflicting advice out there.  Low fat is good.  No, high protein is good.  No, 40/30/30 is good.  No, 60/25/15 is good.  Workout 15 minutes a day.  No, workout 30 minutes a day with weights.  No, do yoga.  No, do the elliptical.  No, the elliptical is a joke.  Wahhhh.... it's enough to make your head explode.

I second the advice of getting her a personal trainer (if you can afford it) that will work directly with her.  Not only will this have the benefit of possibly saving your marriage, but, honestly, if you're not a trainer, you could potentially lead her down the wrong road.  Every BODY is different, and unless you've been trained in how best to work with her body (you know what I mean, get your minds out of the gutter), you might just frustrate her more.  You can sell her on it in a couple of ways... they were having a "deal" at the gym that lets you buy 10 sessions in advance for a special rate.  This particular trainer is great at working with women, whose bodies are different and need different sets of training.  Whatever.

But, like everyone has said, she has to want it herself.  Unless you think she's actively trying to sabotage your successes, then just leave her be.  If she wants to have ice cream, then that's her deal. 

Whenever she complains about her weight, just say something like, "Well, I think you're beautiful and totally sexy, and I love you as much today as I did on our wedding day."  Most likely she'll still say she thinks she's fat, and all you have to do is give her a kiss, and gently remind her, "I don't know, honey, I think you look great.  But if it bothers you, why don't you go talk to the trainer at the gym.  I keep seeing posters on the walls of other people's before and after pictures and it looks like they can really help you.  They understand all that female diet/workout stuff that I don't quite get."

Of course, I'm just making this stuff up.  But you should be able to get the drift of what I'm trying to say.

And for heavens sake, man, do not under any circumstances ever in your life compare her to another woman.  But I think you already know this.   

2006-10-03 1:57 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
Great beacuse we now do them together!
2006-10-03 2:09 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
My wife is only 12 days out of her last brain surgery and she's already talking about to the 2007 Peace Officer's Memorial 5K with me next April!  They have a walking division and she's very excited about it.  As a family we eat very well and involve the kids in good eating habits.  Heck my kids even want to run with "papa" and they often do.  I find it much easier to workout with the whole family involved.

 

I've encountered a lot of people that are very overweight/depressed/disgusted with their body shape and self-image.  A few of my friends continue to express desire to "get into shape" but they don't have the determination.  Like you said in the original post, four months ago you DECIDED to get into really good shape.  A lot of people spend a lot of money to exercise but have not made the decision to really put out the effort. 

 

I came from a Drill Instructor style of working out and that works for me; but there is no way in heck I can be a DI to my wife!  A trainer would help the uneducated (in exercise) get started without feeling stupid.

2006-10-03 2:22 PM
in reply to: #558339

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Master
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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

Atlantia - 2006-10-02 8:30 PM

That being said, he's a man, and easy to manipulate. Your wife on the other hand, probably has a lot going on inside her head.

I hope you didn't think a comment like this would go unnoticed. How could you say such a thing! Men can think on our own................as long as we are told what to think.

I don't have too much to add to this discussion as I was in the exact same situation a couple of year ago. I am now divorced, so you get the picture.



2006-10-03 2:41 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

Just from a casual observers standpoint it sounds like she just isn't ready.  Like others have said here, until that happens, until SHE is the one who wants to motivate herself, then there isn't a whole lot you can do.

In my situation I had been athletic before.  I got injured and let that be an excuse to stop working out.  I ballooned up and it took me a number of years (and watching my brother-in-law do ironman WI...twice) before I was ready to make my decision.

My wife still doesn't work out.  She hates working out and isn't into good food choices either.  Every once in a while she talks about it but she isn't ready.  That said, she is very supportive of my choices.  For us the dynamic may be a bit different because I was always athletic before and she was never athletic.  So we have kinda just gone back to our previous roles.

I also would like her to do some positive things for her health.  It would also make it easier for me to make better food choices on a consistant basis (no snacks laying around in the house).  Until she is ready it won't do me much good to stress over it though.  I remember what it was like for me and an external motivater did nothing for me, it had to be me.

If she is serious then I agree with the comments about getting her a personal trainer.  It may be easier for her to be honest with a neutral third party.  It is very difficult to be that involved in a relationship and do/say the things needed to get someone in gear from a training perspective.  Most relationships don't do that well with so much brutal honesty hehe.

just my .02

2006-10-03 2:47 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

To my surprise, my wife asked me to create a workout plan for her.  She has put on a few pounds and has seen me lose quite a few and I think that got to her.  The kicker is that if I don't come up with something for her, then she does't do anything.  My point is this:  create a schedule for her so that she doesn't have to think about what she has to do.  She can just do it.  Don't make it too easy either (start off slow though!!!

I am all about positive encouragement, but I am too honest for my own good.  So I have learned to keep my mouth shut and be positive.  Each situation is different.

But what is NOT different is this:  What goes in must be LESS than what goes out.  If you have a dog, walk the dog together each night for a long time.  After every run, I walk the dog.  When I come in the house, if Nan is home, I ask her if she wants to come.  I do it so we can talk, but you can do it to get her some excersise.  And like others said, GET RID of a majority of the SWEETS in the house.  Not all, but limit yourselves.  We each have one thing we like and that's IT.  It's a lifestyle choice and congratualations on making it!!

But in the end...all you can do is help.

2006-10-03 3:49 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
My wife ignores my Tris, hoping they are a passing phase.
2006-10-03 4:37 PM
in reply to: #558196

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
You guys are right on as usual. I don't know if she read this or not, but today (without my help) she told me "I'm finally getting my @ss in gear." (her words not mine) It's only a day but it's a better day than yesterday.
I'll try to be uber supportive and "suggest" activities she might like to join me in. Maybe she'll get into tri-ing if I'm lucky.
I told her if she is serious enough to ride my bike for the next 2 months, I'd buy her a brand new bike of her own for christmas.
Here's hopin.
-J

Edited by trifocus 2006-10-03 4:38 PM
2006-10-03 4:54 PM
in reply to: #559509

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Master
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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?

trifocus - 2006-10-03 4:37 PM You guys are right on as usual. I don't know if she read this or not, but today (without my help) she told me "I'm finally getting my @ss in gear." (her words not mine) It's only a day but it's a better day than yesterday. I'll try to be uber supportive and "suggest" activities she might like to join me in. Maybe she'll get into tri-ing if I'm lucky. I told her if she is serious enough to ride my bike for the next 2 months, I'd buy her a brand new bike of her own for christmas. Here's hopin. -J

That's great!  Give her all the encouragement and support she deserves.  Try to encourage her to find someone else at her level to train with.  Training with someone whose progress is way ahead of hers will be discouraging.  Hope it goes well.



2006-10-03 5:07 PM
in reply to: #559354

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Subject: RE: How do your spouses handle your tri's?
My wife has been a great support with my triathlons. I think we have built some great memories of some of the triathlons we attended (I competed) over this past summer.

However, I do think the overall costs of training and preparing for a triathlon put great stresses on your relationship. For a while, it seemed like I was buying something new every week for my triathlon, be it a jersey for biking, triathlon shorts, new shoes, new swimming jammers, and the ultimate stressor of them all; MY BIKE!!! Ughhh!!! I went ahead and bought a used bike, a great used carbon framed bike, but I never knew how much really went into the "upkeep" of a bike. I paid $900 for my bike, but the repairs, upkeep, etc...probably equaled that or went over that amount in the end. I bought new tires, new cassette, a half dozen new tubes, new crank shaft, chain, aerobars, computer, etc, etc, etc....My wife just about lost it with all the things I had to do for the bike and felt bad about it. We aren't exactly rich (not poor), but I am not like some of the hotshot physicians, lawyers, corporate raiders that also do triathlons...So, the costs of being in a triathlon put a strain on our marriage.

My wife also didn't like how I could be a little inflexible with my training schedule. I admit, I got a little "set in my ways" and wouldn't miss workouts if my life depended on it. Later, I learned that I wasn't compromising my fitness if I missed one, two, or even three workouts in a week...Hell, it wasn't like I was a pro triathlete that needed to average 25mph on the bike...I got over the fact that I had limitations and my wife helped me with that. I sort of lost perspective and got way too self involved; which a lot of triathlete seem to be. (sorry people, but you are quite into yourselves...admit it...I was...)

Nevertheless, I had a blast with my wife this summer. We're having a baby soon and I don't talk about triathlons unless she brings it up. We're in a period of our lives now where it is not about my triathlons, or me...it is going to be about my wife, our baby, and our eventual family. Hopefully, I can continue with triathlons once we have kids, but I am not going to sacrifice my marriage so I can wear the t-shirt.
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