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2007-05-27 9:01 PM

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Subject: Help me help my siblings
My brother and sister (late twenties/early thirties) have always had weight issues. My sister has been diagnosed with MS and I see my brother heading that way like a rocket. My brother is about 5'10" and my sister is about 5'6", both weigh (my best guess) between 320 and 330 pounds. My other brothers and sisters, along with my parents, discuss their weight privately and have discussed our concerns (fears) with them as well. They have both done/are doing the "weight watchers" thing, but I honestly have not noticed much - if any - change at all in over a year... if anything, my sister has gained weight.

I know my brother is a binge eater and a "secret snacker", and I'm sure much of this stems from a level of depression. My sister claims to try to eat in a healthy manner, but I seriously doubt it. Neither does much in the way of exercise.

How do I help them? I'm tired of -footing around the topic or avoiding it entirely. They know we're concerned and why we're concerned, but get angry when we bring it up. I'm worried that neither will live beyond fifty.

I know that this is an open forum, and I don't want to insult anyone, but I need to hear from people who've been there and know specifically what to do. I need to hear from people who know how to approach the topic and make it hit home with my brother and sister. I need to understand how to help them help themselves.


2007-05-27 11:29 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings

Personally, I don't think there's anything YOU can do to get THEM to lose weight.  All my life (well at least for the 8-10 years) my mom has been constantly on me about needing to lose weight.  You know what happened?  I got frustrated and angry w/her and ate like a pig just to spite her!  I'm sure your brother and sister are both well aware of the fact that they are overweight and that there's risks to that, but you point it out to them is likely only going to be hurtful, and if anything have the opposite effect to what you want.  It sucks to have people repeatedly telling you you're fat, no matter how delicately they propose it.  I'm finally losing weight now, but it's happening because I decided to do it.  I made the choice when it was right for me.  Weight loss really is one of those things that the individual has to make the decision to do.  Unfortunately you can't transfer your will power on to them, so it has to be something they really want.  It's one of those "can't help someone who is not ready/able to help themselves" things. 

If you really want to help them, my suggestion is to invite them out to work out with you.  Nothing big, but just a nice easy walk or a bike ride or something.  Help them get into a routine of exercising, but DON'T say that it's because of their weight.  Just tell them you want to get them involved with some of the things that you enjoy (which is true, right?) and that you want to spend some quality time with them.  They may find they really like it after a while and continue to do it.  But the last thing they need is one more "caring" person reminding them of their struggles.  I'm sure they hear it enough! 

Good luck!

2007-05-28 6:54 AM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings

I completely agree with lilturtle, there is nothing you can do to MAKE them loose weight.

Loosing weight is something that you for yourself need to WANT to do, it can´t  be enforced and yes all that pointing out how overweight they are and stuff makes them want to do it even LESS! At least thats how it was for me and probably for many other people as well.

My brother is overweight as well and I had to learn that there is not much I can do to persuade him to loose, the only thing I can do is try to show him that it can be done and how good it makes me feel to loose weight and be at a much healthier weight.

We also recently competed in a TRI in Germany (my family lives there) and I asked him if he could videotape us during the competition and I did that mostly so that he was there and watch it and maybe get interested in the sport as well.

Yes try to ask them to work out with you but be realistic about what they can and cannot do and don´t make the mistake to be impatient about it. If you make that commitment you need to be their biggest cheerleader and not their biggest enemy.

You say they do WW? Instead of thinking that they don´t do well try to encourage them even further and even if you don´t see a weight-loss yet (which BTW does not mean that they did not loose yet) still make little comments about how much better they look and say that it looks as they have lost some weight!

All these little encouragements make them want to keep going.

I hope I make sense at all....

 

2007-05-28 6:17 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings
I'm in complete agreement with the previous two posts. The only way they will lose weight is if they make the commitment to themselves. They know how big they are. They know what it is doing to them. They know how you feel as well, since you've discussed it with them. Harping on these things only adds to the depression I'm guessing they feel. They may not yet be ready to take the needed steps. They could very well be already doing what's needed in the food department, but it's slow to show because of a slow metabolism.
Bottom line is, you can't change anyone else. Be gentle and encouraging of their efforts, and perhaps they will feel supported. That's the best you can do.
2007-05-28 8:14 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings

While i agree with the previous posters...maybe you can try another tactic without focusing the number on the scale. 

Encourage your siblings to sign up for a 5K run/walk.  Simply starting moving and gaining physical fitness can be a great motivator to losing weight. Sure they will have to walk the 5K but the feeling of finishing it will be a great confidence booster.  Exersing will also probably help with the depression......good luck.

2007-05-28 8:41 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings
To all who've posted, thank you! I'm going to take everyones' advice and become the family's biggest cheerleader... I may wear the skirt and everything! It may surprise my wife a bit, but I've done it before for Halloween and (if I do say so myself) I make one hot babe!

Additionally, I'm going to invite all of my siblings (I'm one of twelve) to enter my next 5K, which we will all walk together. It should be quite a show considering most of my brothers and sisters are a bunch of smart-alecks (I was going to say smart-, but that would be inappropriate).

Thanks again to all!

Have a great season!


2007-05-28 10:20 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings

One thing you don't mention is if you had weight issues in the past? If so changing your life I'm sure would be motivation for them. They have watched you change and grow.

I agree with what others have said can't make them do it must come from within.

I think if you talk with them you need to be sure to be viewed as non-judgmental so if they want to talk about weight/losing weight they feel safe talking with you...often with siblings that is hard.

My sister and I have this thing...I've lost 90 pounds she has lost maybe 20-30 but goes up and down. I do tris. She teaches water aerobics and thinks she is an expert at everything and I know nothing in regards to nutrition and exercise. I don't talk about weight loss or exercise with her other than talking about what I do. She disagrees with how I eat and what I do to workout...not that I'm trying to convert her, but I'm just showing how there can be underlying tension/competition on who is right which way is best between siblings.

Have either of them been athletic earlier in their lives? For me I played soccer as a teenager and in college and was a competitive figure skater before that. This women whose daughter played soccer with my daughters asked if I was interested in playing womens soccer team...I weighed over 250 pounds at the time. I said I wanted to but not now...she kept asking me few times a year in a totally non-judgmental way and I wanted to say yes. After I lost about 30 pounds, I did say yes...it was hard, but it was the start of my road back to athletics. Her kind way of asking and openness to me doing it even though I wasn't in shape allowed me to be brave and start to change my life.

It was at one of my first few soccer games that the women talked about doing triathlons...and I thought I need to do one of those to prove to myself I have changed my life and here I am 4 years later still doing them and no longer playing soccer as I to often got hurt and it got in the way of tri training.

So your idea of asking them to do a 5K with you is excellant, even if they say no keep asking. Your sister may be motivated to do the Danskin triathlon where many first time women do it. Maybe you could volunteer and have her come with. Sometimes the seed gets planted and it takes awhile for someone to be brave and try something new and scary.

Also if they have depression issues maybe dealing with those will help them be able to face their weight issue. For me I used to be a pretty depressed person, losing weight and working out has changed that for me as I feel better about myself and man those endorphins rock!

 

2007-05-30 8:13 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings
Hi Kathy, thank you for the post.

In response to your first question, no, I've never really had much in the way of weight issues. Am I overweight? Yes. I would like to lose ten or fifteen pounds (I'm a little over six feet tall and weigh 213). In a way, I'm kind of the oddball in the family because my tallest sibling is only about 5'9" and both of my parents are short. I would say it's the milk-man's fault, but my father was the milk-man... for the first six years of his marriage. (It just occured to me that my parents' forty-fifth anniversary is next year!)

The only thing I can say is that my weight has been as high as 230 pounds, but not for long (It was a winter/hibernating thing.)

My brother is athletic. We've played on several mens' softball teams together, and he still plays now. But that's all he does. My sister has never been athletic.

I'm looking forward to the 5K (June 16th). I think they'll both do it, as well as most of my other brothers and sisters. I'll report back later!
2007-06-01 1:25 PM
in reply to: #818949

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Subject: RE: Help me help my siblings
I know since I started to marathons my family is starting to look into doing 5ks and what not. People look at you and at first thing your crazy and latter they all want it. I also have 5 friends who are doing a triathlon this year now.
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