broken hearted son

Ask him tomorrow how he would feel if you were to cook his favorite dinner, but ended up burning it to a crisp and had to throw it out.  Or if you did the laundry and absolutely ruined his #1 favorite T-shirt.  Would he hate you for it?  Would he think that you failed your job as a mother, that he would be better off without you?  Of course you know what his answers will be.  The same as your answers.  That he has not failed as a son, as a human being.  That we all face unpleasant situations, and the things that build our character and self esteem are the way we handle the valleys in life as well as the mountain tops.  Talk to him only in the present.  Telling him how he will feel 6 months in the future is hard to grasp.  That seems like an eternity to a child.  Above all, tell him how much you love him, and that you love his ability to play the game and are less concerned with the outcome.

Sorry about the double click!

Laerka,

  I am so sad for your son! Really tough lesson to learn. One of the toughest things is to do your best and find that this is not good enough. He should be proud to have given it his best. He will be stronger for this, he needs to hold his head up high everyday and be sure and proud of his effort. As far as the "other" kid, hey, your son will be able to overcome this with the high self esteem that you ahve given him!

    Good luck and don't let him give up on hockey.

     It may not be too helpful, but I have been in a position to select new employees and sometimes it is downright difficult to have to decide between one or another, especially when it comes to a career. The coaches probably had a tough time and perhaps your son could speak to one of them and find out where he could improve. I have had candidates ask after how they could improve and come back next time and win. There is a line between wanting to know the reason they weren;t selected and finding out how to improve and show and interest in improving.

Oh Laerka, my heart just broke reading your post!

I think max and Glen have offered some very good tips on how to handle it...I'm not a parent myself, but still remember being parented, and would have loved for my parents to have offered that kind of support to me as a child (actually for some reason, "stuff" just rolled off my back as a kid).

I bet max and Glen are great dads.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY!!!???? (he he, just had to say that today!)

Thank you all for your thoughts, we ache to see our kids hurt, and just want to have the ability to make it go away.  But since that is not possible, helping them to hold onto and build a sense of self through the “valleys and mountain tops” as you say Max is the best we can do.  And yes, all we can ever give is our best ...I guess this is really an ideal learning opportunity. Who knew there were so many life lessons to be learnt at the hockey rink??

I remember when I was 10 and a new girl moved onto the Airforce base where we lived. She took MY backstroke place on the IM relay team. The feeling that I wasn't good enough and was only mediocre in sports followed me my whole life until this past summer at my Olympic tri – when I made peace with mediocre so long as it was my best.  That took me 30 years to learn – I hope he is quicker than that.

We did discuss how to handle and what to say when he is approached by that child (I know the parents and child, it is a self –esteem issue for that boy, the father was one of the coaches last year, so the child liked to feel he was “in the know” all the time, and is slowly learning the hard way that putting others down doesn’t make friends).  I agree Andrea, the idea that bulling was an accepted rite of passage is barbaric. Fortunately Jake has many at school and hockey who will stand beside him.  I will let you all know how his day goes. Thank you for your thoughts – I think I needed them for my sake as much as for his!

Laerka,

There are some really great sports figures who did not make their jr high or high school teams (I wish I had the names handy).   Kid's talent develops at different rates.  Coaches' assessments of talent are fallible.  If your son loves the game, he will keep playing.  It takes some fire in the gut to succeed.  This may be the event he looks back to for the rest of his life for the motivation to do his best to succeed.

That is a speech for tomorrow.  Today, just hug him.

TW

I actually think that Michael Jordan didn't make Varsity for most of high school (I'm no sports fan, so that definitely needs a fact-check).

I think it was great advice that someone gave for him to talk to the coach about what needs improvement. I think this is a prime opportunity for him to learn to never give up. You know, let him be bummed for a while, then give him a pep talk about showing them what he's made of next year! Like Pilot Girl, I'm not a parent, yet. This is just what I know my dad would have done with me and I can attribute 100% of my 'never give up' attitude to him.

Poor kid. :-( Hope he cheers up soon. And I hope that other kid doesn't harrass him.

You wonderful people are all making me cry again.  Damn, parenting is hard. 

I'm going to do what ever good triathlete does when upset - going for a run in the rain.

(ps. that is a heartfelt comment about how kind and helpful everyone is - despite the tears!)

Sann,

Don't know where I've been, but I just found this thread.  Maybe you can explain to your son the difference between experience and failure.  Failure is when you fail and give up.  Experience is when you make mistakes or come up short, then use that to better prepare for the next time.  What this means is that only you can determine whether or not you are a failure.  If your son really loves hockey, then maybe you and he should sit down and map out a plan to come back next year bigger and better than ever.  Are there other teams to join or private lessons he could take?  While I feel that 11 is kind of a young age to be dealing with this stuff, it can be a great learning experience for him.

I will say that the best thing he seems to have going for him are parents that love him.

Laerka, I can well empathize with you your feeling for your son and I can offer my sympathy to your son for his loss.  However, he should not think of this as a failure.  He worked hard and did his best and THAT is all that we can expect ourselves or anyone else.  I'm sure that your son would find no succor in these words so the best thing is to let him get over his grief and get on with his life.  Perhaps he is not meant to be a hockey player, but on the other hand he needn't quit.  He can perseveer and keep playing in whatever league is available to him and hone his skills for next year. 

My son was crestfallen years ago when he was not accepted into Architecture some years ago and wanted to give up his scholastic endeavours.  I suggested that he choose a general Major, stick it out for that year, apply again the following year.  He did go to school and did very well and he did get in to the Architecture school the following year and is now doing his Masters.  So just tell your son to keep trying.  Remember "If at first you don't succeed..."

Some back ground …  here, at 11 yo community hockey you have A1 (top team) , A2, A3. So yes, Jake will play this year, just not at the level he wanted to. He has chosen to participate in skills camps and gets on the ice at any opportunity year round, so understands the importance of practicing drills and game situations. (as many suggested, keeping him in the game is important - it is about so much more than winning)

 Last night he was able to articulate to me that he was intensely disappointed because he thought he skated well at tryouts, and discouraged that despite his skills practice he was cut, but he was also embarrassed at facing all the kids after moving down a level. (being able to do that alone impressed me – I work with adults that are unable to put name to feelings as well!) But he still went to school yesterday and started right off with a congratulations comment of some type as he saw the various kids. The child he was concerned about looked surprised and asked Jake what team he made. So Jake simply said “I’m playing A2 this year” – no apology or embarrassment – just the fact.  The kids were all great and gave him lots of support and encouragement and let him know that in their opinion he should be playing A1. (which of course means more than anything at 11)

 He’s aware that feeling of not thinking he is good enough may come as go as the season moves on, but this morning he told me, “I’m going to make this my best year yet mum, so next year they have to take me.”  (I know there is no ‘have to’, but I loved the attitude – he’s had enough reality for right now!)  So can I be a proud mamma or what ??

Thanks again all, sports bring so many lessons with them, I am so glad that bt is about more than just the technical ‘how to’ stuff …now, can I come crying back to you all when it is me that doesn’t make my goal??

Hi sann,

  I has been a couple of weeks since this thread but just wondering how your son is doing? Sometimes these things feel like the end of the world but after a few weeks they are better and all are stronger for it!

Thanks for asking Glen. He is actually doing fine – or better than that, as several people suggested, he has fallen into somewhat of leadership role. The whole team is playing well and has won all 7 games so far. Jake, (if I may brag here for a second!) is the team leader in assists and second for goals, but more importantly has made a point of ‘setting-up’ a few players who had not had the thrill of scoring yet. He noticed this on his own and then did something about it. He also made use of the time freed up with less hockey practice to join the school volley ball and basketball team.

Lol- he is a great kid – but, if I take any credit for him, than I also need to accept responsibility for Torben’s (my other son)’s WILD ways…. so I figure Jake was just born with an “old soul”. 

(Torben honey, if someday you read this you know I love ya and am just teasing you right?? J)

When I look back at this thread ... I am so thankful for how kind and supportive everyone was ... wow, bt is more than just triathlons ... thank you.