Saint Charles,IL 
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Partly cloudy
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Scanning more photos today... and also trying to organize them into something of an "order". I now know why I haven't done this before... It's  damn tedious work. Ugh. I've got literally all day to do this and I... I... just can't work up the motivation. I'd rather scrub a toilet... Don't get me wrong, they're in WHIZZZORDER which is alright for me (still frustrating) but completely useless if anyone else were to ever try to locate a photo within my computer library. So I'm striving to put them in "High School" "College" and THENEVERYTHINGELSE by like 5 year increments. Hah. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. Luck and glasses. 

In this featured gem, we have a guy named Scott Talbot, from U of I, the Sigma Nu Fraternity. I don't recall that he played the guitar. Perhaps he did... or perhaps it was a clever prop. I can't say for certain. He's looking at me the way most guys in college looked at me. I had crazy hair, I was crazy drunk a lot of the time, and well, maybe if you didn't know better you might think I was just crazy. 

  • Health data: Sick: 3 Hours slept: 9

“Jokes can be noble. Laughs are exactly as honorable as tears. Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion, to the futility of thinking and striving anymore. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward — and since I can start thinking and striving again that much sooner.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, St. Clement's Episcopal Church, April 19, 1980

10:35 AM: Today is 3 months since we lost our baby. 12 weeks more or less. December 4, 2013. I should still be pregnant! I should be 28ish weeks pregnant right now.

I am doing alright... until I'm not. I've got a hole in my heart that can't be filled by anything I've got immediately at my disposal. I've been in and out of some online support pages and I think I'm actually doing a lot better than many of those women, so there's that... and I'm not into wallowing. So much time is lost to wallowing and people claiming to be victimized. Life isn't fair. This I know for sure, first hand. 

Also, I know for sure that I (we) may not have been blessed (ugh, I hate that word) with a baby right now, or ever, but we've been given many many other gifts. We've "won" in so many other areas of life that it's just not fair for us to have everything. Might cause the earth to spin off its axis... and no one wants that. 

To that end... I remain grateful for what we do have. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't imagine myself here where I am. Where we are. 

So laughing. Laughing is good. Enjoying yourself, even amidst pain and loss and...whateverelse... is important. You can either laugh or cry, and as Mr. Vonnegut so wisely pointed out, laughing is less snotty and keeps excessive Kleenexes out of landfills. Ergo, laughing is green

Go hug a tree. Have a laugh. 


  • Health data: Sick: 4 Hours slept: 10

10:55 AM: Watched all of the Academy Awards last night. I am loving Jared Leto. Loved him in "MY SO CALLED LIFE" and I think I may watch a marathon of that today after I shower (yay!) and while Chris works from home. I've also been a fan of 30 SECONDS TO MARS since I first heard them. 

In recovery news I'm doing much better. In an effort to ward off constipation, I ate nearly a half a bag of prunes. I have never farted so much in my entire life. Wow. Uncomfortable gas pains. But hey, I pooped. So there's that. I'm also pretty much done with the NORCO, so I think that will be the end of the prunes too. I don't need a Narcotic to sleep anymore and I'd like to be awake when I'm awake, so I think it's served it's purpose. Today I may do some knee PT... just so we don't have a repeat of what happened the last time I was laid up on the couch.

Looking forward to putting on some new clean lounge-wear and maybe doing a couple of loads of laundry while watching MY SO CALLED LIFE. Let's see how I do. 

12:19 PM: Not doing well. Can't find MY SO CALLED LIFE anyplace. Not on demand. Not on NetFlix. Will have to choose something else. Booooo. 

7:34 PM: Watched Blue Jasmine ON DEMAND. It was pretty good. Also a bit depressing. None of these movies this year can be considered "FEEL GOOD" movies. Did a couple of loads of laundry, and decided to lay down at 3 ish. Slept til 5:30. Apparently laundry can wipe a girl out.  

  • Health data: Sick: 3 Hours slept: 10

Watched Dallas Buyers Club & August Osage County yesterday. Today I watched Nebraska. The Oscars this year are going to a group of depressing movies. I've already seen Gravity. Am going to try to locate "Her" on demand someplace. 

In terms of pain, I'm doing OK as long as I keep up on the drugs. I was going to try to go every 6 hours today, but I think every 4 hours is still needed, seeing as though I feel great for about 3.5 hours and then start to feel pain again. 

One of the main reasons I hate surgery and medical "procedures" is that I am terrible at "recovering". I want this recovery to be over already. Like now. Like yesterday. I'm sure that's the same for everyone, but it sort of rules out any elective plastic surgery for me. I don't think I could tolerate an elective boob job. No matter how much I'd like my breasts to be larger or more firm, I can't hack the recovery. I'm a baby. I'm impatient. I know this. Facelift? I am definitely not OK with anyone carving up my face! No way. 

And I'm not allowed to take a shower until TOMORROW

  • Health data: Sick: 4 Hours slept: 14

1:51 PM: Lounging around at home, wounds covered in gauze and heating pad on my abdomen. I'm fairly hopped up on Norco and Ibuprofen. Norco makes me dizzy and Ibuprofen takes the pain away... or maybe the Norco makes me relaxed enough not to care that I'm in pain. Either way, I may never poo again. Narcotics really make me constipated. Haha. 

So, in regard to the fibroids, the doctor removed 2 that were each about the size of a tennis ball or racquetball. That's what I was feeling in my abdomen when I laid down... and what grew with the hormone infusion when I got pregnant. There were several others in there, but they were smaller and more insignificant, and it would have been a really long and really dangerous surgery to try to remove them all. Too much blood loss. This is why they originally told me, in 2008, that I should have a hysterectomy. A full myomectomy would hack up my uterus and innards and be way too dangerous.

We got rid of the two main offenders. That's good enough. It keeps my options open (as I still have a uterus) if we decide we want to try getting pregnant again. And I won't have the terrible huge ass swollen fibroid to worry about if we do. 

The doctor took photos I have them. They are GROSS!

  • Health data: Sick: 5 Hours slept: 12

Heading off to have some rent free tenants removed. Sayonara Fibroids! 

Worked til 7:15 last night. Likely more of the same today. Surgery tomorrow. I am nervous. I've only ever had a knee surgery performed, and I am 100% not thrilled with the prospect of someone poking around in my abdomen. However, I realize that these fibroids are not going to take care of themselves. So... surgery it is. And tomorrow it is. Wish me luck.

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