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How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: lisac957 on 2014-03-26 8:55 AM
I heard a statistic this morning (no source, sorry) that the average couple can spend $300 before discussing it with each other first.
Does your family have a threshold like this? If so, what is it?
Do you have other family guidelines for big purchases?
Do you have a "me" account where you don't have to ask or justify whatsoever?I am single and live solo, so nothing of the sort for me. But it's always interesting to see how others do it.
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On May 19, 2018, I'm riding in Tour de Cure ATL!
Find out why and donate here:
http://main.diabetes.org/goto/lisaconklin -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: pitt83 on 2014-03-26 9:08 AM
No real limit per se. I am the bills and finance guy in the house. When times are tight, I convey that message and we trim back. When times are better, I suggest we start spending on things we have been delaying on. She trusts that I am saving enough (I am) and that bills are getting paid (they are).
I'm more of a spender than she is, so it's not a source of angst in that we both have our wants and needs covered. Plus; we don't idolize money or worry about that as the most important thing in our lives.
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"I look pretty young, but I'm just back dated" -Pete Townshend, Substitute
"Violence isn't always evil. What's evil is the infatuation with violence"
-Jim Morrison
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RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Comet on 2014-03-26 9:14 AM
I would say it's situational, for me.
I'd feel guilty spending more $100 on an item that wasn't a need. Things like non-groceries, or household items at Target (cleaning products, etc). I would say the last frivolous items (a nice outfit I *loved* but had no specific occasion to wear it) I bought, out of respect for him, I consulted as they pushed the $200+ mark.
Well, actually, last week I spent more than $100 on something for his dad, and didn't tell him until after. Again, I knew it wouldn't be an issue.
For us, things like running shoes, new shorts, weightlifting shoes for him, etc we don't usually 'ask', but we usually mention in our normal conversation, "I need to get some new shoes, I'm going to order them today". He is buying a bike, we discussed a price range and if his choice changes, I'll support that.
I don't know, it's so hard to really pin it down since money isn't a sticky issue for us, we do not have arguments about it. We're both reasonable and neither of us would buy something that would be detrimental to our finances. There have been, "I really HAD to register for this race now, but I'll cut back on anything else the rest of the month" to cushion the blow, but again, I think we make reasonable choices so the threshold naturally works itself out.We have one account now and it's not an issue. We had separate accounts until 1.5 years ago, but we each carried cards for them as one was for 'household bills' and the other was for everything else.
I think these thresholds become an issue with different spending styles or priorities.
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365 days of working out: http://haleycomet365.com
"Amateur psychologists say triathlon is a sport for self-absorbed narcissists, Type A obsessives, and those dangerously addicted to excessive amounts of aerobic exercise." -Inside Triathlon -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Comet on 2014-03-26 9:15 AM
Originally posted by pitt83 No real limit per se. I am the bills and finance guy in the house. When times are tight, I convey that message and we trim back. When times are better, I suggest we start spending on things we have been delaying on. She trusts that I am saving enough (I am) and that bills are getting paid (they are). I'm more of a spender than she is, so it's not a source of angst in that we both have our wants and needs covered. Plus; we don't idolize money or worry about that as the most important thing in our lives.
X2
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365 days of working out: http://haleycomet365.com
"Amateur psychologists say triathlon is a sport for self-absorbed narcissists, Type A obsessives, and those dangerously addicted to excessive amounts of aerobic exercise." -Inside Triathlon -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: cdban66 on 2014-03-26 9:20 AM
Originally posted by pitt83 No real limit per se. I am the bills and finance guy in the house. When times are tight, I convey that message and we trim back. When times are better, I suggest we start spending on things we have been delaying on. She trusts that I am saving enough (I am) and that bills are getting paid (they are). I'm more of a spender than she is, so it's not a source of angst in that we both have our wants and needs covered. Plus; we don't idolize money or worry about that as the most important thing in our lives.I am on the other side of this coin, so not the money person in my house. I really had to think on this, as I couldn't quickly settle on a number. If there is something that either of us wants that is a higher ticket item, there is a discussion. Just like in other aspects of our marriage, we pretty much discuss everything. Be it work, home life, time, etc, we try to communicate before hand. It is only fair that we clue each other in on what is going on in our lives. I guess the number would be around $300 - $400, but it varies I'm sure.
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Chris Banting
"The liver is evil and it must be punished" - VC
http://instagram.com/cdban66
http://app.strava.com/athletes/2116063 -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Left Brain on 2014-03-26 9:20 AM
After 20+ years of marriage my wife and I still don't own a joint bank account. I couldn't tell you how much money she has or what she spends her money on. We split the bills when we lived together before we got married and found that once we were married there was no reason to change what was working. We still split the bills, we still don't have to ask each other if it's ok to spend ANY amount, and we've still never had an argument or even an edgy discussion when it comes to money.
So....my answer to your question, and what would be her answer as well, is: I'm an adult, I have a career, I don't have to ask permission to spend the money I make.
I suppose it wouldn't work for everyone.....but it sure has been nice for us.
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We need to start coming to terms with the fact that the rapture
happened and only David Bowie and Prince made the cut. -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: mehaner on 2014-03-26 9:27 AM
while we don't have a rule/permission, i would say we start involving each other around the $500 threshold. i don't really care every little thing he spends money on, but i do pay our bills and if i open the bank account and see an abnormally high CC bill i assume our card was stolen. so a heads up when he pays some work expense or buys some tickets to something is appreciated for those purposes. likewise, i don't ask permission to go on an outlet shopping spree, but i DO tell him that i did it, especially when i am out of town because our bank is VERY thorough and WILL call him to alert him to a suspicious purchase.
i will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
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There are a bunch of cool BT'ers doing the race, that alone is worth at least $80.00. ~dalessit
God hates non-tippers. It's in the Bible. ~Iowaman -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: lisac957 on 2014-03-26 9:32 AM
Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
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On May 19, 2018, I'm riding in Tour de Cure ATL!
Find out why and donate here:
http://main.diabetes.org/goto/lisaconklin -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: cdban66 on 2014-03-26 9:49 AM
Originally posted by lisac957Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
Yes, and I think some other people would have a far different answer.
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Chris Banting
"The liver is evil and it must be punished" - VC
http://instagram.com/cdban66
http://app.strava.com/athletes/2116063 -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: mehaner on 2014-03-26 9:51 AM
Originally posted by lisac957Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
it is a triathlon board - tends to be a hobby of better-off-financially folks in general...
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There are a bunch of cool BT'ers doing the race, that alone is worth at least $80.00. ~dalessit
God hates non-tippers. It's in the Bible. ~Iowaman -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: switch on 2014-03-26 9:52 AM
I pretty much do it the same way as Comet, Dave and Chris.
I do almost all of the shopping for our family--groceries, clothes, supplies, gear--and all of the investing/savings choices. He'll give me input if I ask, but he usually just defers to me. My husband would rather that I pick out his clothes for him, so I do that. House stuff, ditto. If either of us want to make a big gear purchase, we talk about it (>$300). The only thing he really spends money on is farm stuff and animal supplies/purchases etc. and we talk about that stuff too, but that's because we're building a business and breeding lines, and it's stuff we like to talk and think about :)
If it's something I don't know anything about, I just completely trust him and defer to him on it. Last year we wanted to stock our new pond. He was all over that, and I just said--"whatever you think is best." Guns? His area. Fencing? His area. So if he says we "need" $1200 worth of fence, I don't really question that, but he'll definitely tell me first.
We also do all of the finances for our non-profit together, in large part because we have a board and board meetings, and if there is a deviation from budget we definitely need to be able to justify it.
I think $300 sounds like a pretty accurate number for us-- personal finances, farm and business.
I will also add that we sit down and go over finances at least twice a month and are often looking at some sort of short-term financial goal in addition to our longer-term ones. I think we like doing that, and it has helped us be on the same page regarding money and choices, which I think is huge. If a couple is on the same page and has the same goals, everything else kinda falls into place.
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--Elesa
"Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand."-- #37 -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Comet on 2014-03-26 9:53 AM
Originally posted by lisac957I think it's respect for your partner and household. I know people who spend without consulting a spouse and it's detrimental to the household. A couple that does not have much to spend on "extras", but one of them will spend $1000 or the whole refund on a frivolous item (hot tub, new truck, watches) instead of bills or household items that need to be repaired or maintenance or kids college. Huge issue. While it should be discussed, in that situation I see it as blatant disrespect to the family and selfishness. Money is always an issue for them and it sounds awful.Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
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365 days of working out: http://haleycomet365.com
"Amateur psychologists say triathlon is a sport for self-absorbed narcissists, Type A obsessives, and those dangerously addicted to excessive amounts of aerobic exercise." -Inside Triathlon -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: cdban66 on 2014-03-26 10:05 AM
Originally posted by CometOriginally posted by lisac957I think it's respect for your partner and household. I know people who spend without consulting a spouse and it's detrimental to the household. A couple that does not have much to spend on "extras", but one of them will spend $1000 or the whole refund on a frivolous item (hot tub, new truck, watches) instead of bills or household items that need to be repaired or maintenance or kids college. Huge issue. While it should be discussed, in that situation I see it as blatant disrespect to the family and selfishness. Money is always an issue for them and it sounds awful.Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
My take on that is a little different. Money is a manifestation of the greater issue. Not that money isn't an issue, but there are greater issues that should be addressed. Communication, respect, and a realization that you are a team, not 2 individuals, come to mind as a few things they might benefit from looking at.
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Chris Banting
"The liver is evil and it must be punished" - VC
http://instagram.com/cdban66
http://app.strava.com/athletes/2116063 -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: SevenZulu on 2014-03-26 10:09 AM
We have no real set number. My wife tends to mention most expenditures at a much lower threshold, but usually afterwards. Her, probably $100. Me, maybe $10k.
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RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Comet on 2014-03-26 10:12 AM
Originally posted by cdban66Yes, agreed. It's the first sentence: respect for your partner and household. They don't have it. There is a much bigger issue and they both out up with it at the expense of the household.Originally posted by CometOriginally posted by lisac957I think it's respect for your partner and household. I know people who spend without consulting a spouse and it's detrimental to the household. A couple that does not have much to spend on "extras", but one of them will spend $1000 or the whole refund on a frivolous item (hot tub, new truck, watches) instead of bills or household items that need to be repaired or maintenance or kids college. Huge issue. While it should be discussed, in that situation I see it as blatant disrespect to the family and selfishness. Money is always an issue for them and it sounds awful.Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
My take on that is a little different. Money is a manifestation of the greater issue. Not that money isn't an issue, but there are greater issues that should be addressed. Communication, respect, and a realization that you are a team, not 2 individuals, come to mind as a few things they might benefit from looking at.
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365 days of working out: http://haleycomet365.com
"Amateur psychologists say triathlon is a sport for self-absorbed narcissists, Type A obsessives, and those dangerously addicted to excessive amounts of aerobic exercise." -Inside Triathlon -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: cdban66 on 2014-03-26 10:19 AM
Originally posted by CometOriginally posted by cdban66Yes, agreed. It's the first sentence: respect for your partner and household. They don't have it. There is a much bigger issue and they both out up with it at the expense of the household.Originally posted by CometOriginally posted by lisac957I think it's respect for your partner and household. I know people who spend without consulting a spouse and it's detrimental to the household. A couple that does not have much to spend on "extras", but one of them will spend $1000 or the whole refund on a frivolous item (hot tub, new truck, watches) instead of bills or household items that need to be repaired or maintenance or kids college. Huge issue. While it should be discussed, in that situation I see it as blatant disrespect to the family and selfishness. Money is always an issue for them and it sounds awful.Originally posted by mehaneri will say that we are VERY fortunate to be able to spend like this. if our financial situation was different, i would probably have a rule in place, especially because i am far more aware of our household expenses/budget.
Yes so far I'm reading responses from VERY fortunate situations!
My take on that is a little different. Money is a manifestation of the greater issue. Not that money isn't an issue, but there are greater issues that should be addressed. Communication, respect, and a realization that you are a team, not 2 individuals, come to mind as a few things they might benefit from looking at.
I hope they figure it out before it becomes a bigger issue. Because if they don't, it will.
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Chris Banting
"The liver is evil and it must be punished" - VC
http://instagram.com/cdban66
http://app.strava.com/athletes/2116063 -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Kido on 2014-03-26 10:21 AM
Originally posted by Left BrainAfter 20+ years of marriage my wife and I still don't own a joint bank account. I couldn't tell you how much money she has or what she spends her money on. We split the bills when we lived together before we got married and found that once we were married there was no reason to change what was working. We still split the bills, we still don't have to ask each other if it's ok to spend ANY amount, and we've still never had an argument or even an edgy discussion when it comes to money.
So....my answer to your question, and what would be her answer as well, is: I'm an adult, I have a career, I don't have to ask permission to spend the money I make.
I suppose it wouldn't work for everyone.....but it sure has been nice for us.
I'm much closer to this than on the side of keeping close tabs on things.
We are both adults and neither of us have a spending/credit problem. We both have separate accounts. I have mortgage come out of mine (and insurance) and she takes care of the rest of the bills. Separate debit/credit cards. Every once in a while, we transfer a couple grand back and forth to handle big expenses like new windows, pool pump, or work on the car. Usually, the person we want to get the point or air miles pays with their card and we figure out who writes the check to pay it! (or if it's tax deductible - she pays for that so it's on one card and easier for the accountant in April)
I think she dropped almost 2k on getting in SAG and the same amount for a class plus the clothes she buys (she is a bargain shopper, so I don't give a rip on what she buys).
I'm guessing I can spend $300-$400 without even a blink. More may get a scowl but no real debate. I even bought a MTB at almost 3k without "telling" her. New golf clubs as well or signed up for an IM (and we all know how expensive those are). I guess it just depends on how much expendable cash we have. We live well below our means but still VERY comfortably, so there is no real reason to question money. If it got tighter? Like when I was out of work for a year? We tightened the belt a little and waited on big purchases. But that wasn't hard either. I'm not going to buy golf clubs or bikes when I'm not working. We didn't take that overseas vacation that year (I DID race though! With all that training time...)
I guess that we could get into trouble. I don't every lay eyes on her account and she never looks at mine. We don't have a clue how much either make/spends/has. I guess one of us could go on a huge spending spree and get into deep trouble before the other found out - but after 11 years together? I doubt that will happen. I'm sure adding kids to the equation will change the financial situation enough that we would have to keep much better tabs on finances. But until we feel the situation warrants closer monitoring, we will probably carry on as we have. I must say, not having car payments for the last 4 years has really made things more comfortable as well.
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- Je Ne Regrette Rien
- Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
- Challenges are what make life interesting;
overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
- Maybe strong is just what you have left when you've used up all your weak. -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Left Brain on 2014-03-26 10:25 AM
Originally posted by KidoOriginally posted by Left BrainAfter 20+ years of marriage my wife and I still don't own a joint bank account. I couldn't tell you how much money she has or what she spends her money on. We split the bills when we lived together before we got married and found that once we were married there was no reason to change what was working. We still split the bills, we still don't have to ask each other if it's ok to spend ANY amount, and we've still never had an argument or even an edgy discussion when it comes to money.
So....my answer to your question, and what would be her answer as well, is: I'm an adult, I have a career, I don't have to ask permission to spend the money I make.
I suppose it wouldn't work for everyone.....but it sure has been nice for us.
I'm much closer to this than on the side of keeping close tabs on things.
We are both adults and neither of us have a spending/credit problem. We both have separate accounts. I have mortgage come out of mine (and insurance) and she takes care of the rest of the bills. Separate debit/credit cards. Every once in a while, we transfer a couple grand back and forth to handle big expenses like new windows, pool pump, or work on the car. Usually, the person we want to get the point or air miles pays with their card and we figure out who writes the check to pay it! (or if it's tax deductible - she pays for that so it's on one card and easier for the accountant in April)
I think she dropped almost 2k on getting in SAG and the same amount for a class plus the clothes she buys (she is a bargain shopper, so I don't give a rip on what she buys).
I'm guessing I can spend $300-$400 without even a blink. More may get a scowl but no real debate. I even bought a MTB at almost 3k without "telling" her. New golf clubs as well or signed up for an IM (and we all know how expensive those are). I guess it just depends on how much expendable cash we have. We live well below our means but still VERY comfortably, so there is no real reason to question money. If it got tighter? Like when I was out of work for a year? We tightened the belt a little and waited on big purchases. But that wasn't hard either. I'm not going to buy golf clubs or bikes when I'm not working. We didn't take that overseas vacation that year (I DID race though! With all that training time...)
I guess that we could get into trouble. I don't every lay eyes on her account and she never looks at mine. We don't have a clue how much either make/spends/has. I guess one of us could go on a huge spending spree and get into deep trouble before the other found out - but after 11 years together? I doubt that will happen. I'm sure adding kids to the equation will change the financial situation enough that we would have to keep much better tabs on finances. But until we feel the situation warrants closer monitoring, we will probably carry on as we have. I must say, not having car payments for the last 4 years has really made things more comfortable as well.
If you have more than one kid you can split that too.
I take care of triathlon expenses, she takes care of horse expenses. (our kid's different priority activity) I don't know how much a horse costs, or how much it costs to keep one, but I know my wife doesn't buy as many shoes as she used to. LOL
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We need to start coming to terms with the fact that the rapture
happened and only David Bowie and Prince made the cut. -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: tech_geezer on 2014-03-26 10:30 AM
JWKMH does not consult me on purchases. She spends almost nothing on herself. I tell/ask her about just about everything. If there is a number, it is well less than $300. She pays the bills. For big items, we have usually been discussing it for a long time and it is no surprise. I am only consulted on things she is buying if she needs an engineering level of background research on the best brand/model to buy. That part would be my job.
We have a couple of accounts, all are joint, but most of the income goes into the one she calls hers and she writes the checks for joint expenses. My retirement income (the much smaller portion) goes into another account and she considers it mine. I don't actually spend "my" money. It just sits there. Eventually we will spend it on something big. I guess it is actually the "fun money" or "rainy day fund". This arrangement just evolved. It did not occur as a solution to a problem. We have no stress over money or budgets.
TW -
RE: How much can you spend w/out discussing with your spouse?
BY: Kido on 2014-03-26 10:32 AM
It really is mostly about the situation people are in. If you are barely paying rent? Even getting a Starbucks coffee has to be checked/monitored. If you your "limit" is $100, it's probably because a $100 swing won't hurt you. So if you drop $500? problem. A $3 coffee? You trust your spouse.
An NFL team or casino owner? They can probably come home in a new Ferrari without an issue.
It's about communication and understanding the situation your "team" is in and adjusting accordingly. Not communicating about how much you spend.
Like I said, if you can't afford it, buying a cup of coffee without telling is disrespectful for some couples, where a new Ferrari or private jet may be the limit for others.
Being in a gambling town. I would have a MUCH bigger issue if the better half was losing 1k a month at the tables without telling me than spending 1k a month on stuff without telling me.
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- Je Ne Regrette Rien
- Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
- Challenges are what make life interesting;
overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
- Maybe strong is just what you have left when you've used up all your weak.