Big brothers/Big sisters

I participated in this program when I was in college.  It was a good experience- it was hard because the little girl I had came from an unstable home.  I was exposed to a totally different type of lifestyle.  Make sure if you do this program to have good communication with your social worker.  I thought the parent of this child was harder to deal with then the child themself.   BB/BS stongly encourages you to have minimal contact with the child's parent.  Some of the parents think you're in the program to help them, which is not the case but they will try to take advantage of you- or at least the father tried in my situation.  He thought I was a personal nanny instead of a mentor.  You're there to help mentor the child.    If you communicate with your social worker regularly she/he will take care of those problems so you dont' have be involved with the parents so much.  It's better fo rthe child that way.

I think it's a good program.  It'll help you as much as it will help a child.  I recommend it for anyone who's looking for a challenge outside of tri's   They'll ask you if you prefer a boy or a girl and an age range.  Once they have a child who fits your interest they'll call you, unless of course you say you don't care and have no preference.

The hardest thing for me was understanding the child's background and lifestyle.  Alot of the kids in the program come from broken homes and a hard home life.   For example- my little girl never had used a napkin before and would wipe her messay hands all over the front of her shirt in public and didn't see anything wrong with doing that- it was pretty sad.  She really lacked manners and it was really hard to teach her those basic things.  Also, she always had on dirty clothes and had this "funk" to her.  It was sad.  The only thing I could do is just be a good example for her. 

I suspected you would reply. Eric and I were kicking around ideas for bigger things to help out kids, but figured we oughta start small.

What sort of stuff did you do with her? How often? Are you still in touch with her? What was the endpoint of your mentor relationship with her? Did you move or what?

Did you ever talk to the social worker about that? Seems perfectly reasonable to me, but I guess I'd be worried about how it might be construed as well.

You're brave.  I wouldn't do anything like that- just becuase you never know wha tthe kids would say.  I would let my social worker now that she wasn't wearing clean clothes or was really dirty and she'd talk to the father about that.

Let's see.  I had the little girl for 2 years.  I ended the program when I moved away and graduated from college.  I would see her about once a month.  I think they encouraged us to see them once a month and then maintain some type of regular contact with them once a week?  I really can't remember.  I do remember callling and talking to her on the phone.

I was a poor college student, so I tried to do cheap things.  I'd take her to the playground, to the library (she didn't like that at all!), bring her back to my dorm and do crafts (color or do simple kids crafts), the one time we baked cookies in my dorm.  I would treat her to Mc Donald's every now and then.  I had to be careful with that because I was broke in college and this child ate like a horse- I don't think she was fed very well at home because all she wanted to do was eat all the time.  When I took her out she wanted like one of everything on the menu- not really, but almost   Also, at my college cafeteria she was able to eat for free.  So sometimes I'd pick her up and take her to eat there.  When I went home one summer ( I was 1.5 hours away from her) I drove back to my college town to take her to the movies to see a Disney movie. 

If I may, I'd like to offer a different perspective.  I was one of those children.  I did not have a BB/BS, but I grew up that way and I just want to say one thing, and I do not mean this in anyway as disparaging to anyone who has posted thus far.

Children who grow up in some of these more extreme situations live in a constantly unstable world and are perpetually disappointed by the adults around them.  They live a very scary existance where they never know what bad thing is going to happen next.  You get two kinds of kids from this type of life, very clingy or very standoffish, and even though they seem different they are the same kid...they are desperate for some kindness and consistancy.  So while you are in their life, no matter how they behave, you are their shining beacon and their heart aches when they are around you. 

And then when your tour of duty is over, you leave.  All I ask anyone is to consider that before you sign on.  Question you might ask is, isn't it better to have you and all you can bring to their life for a little while instead of never having it?  The answer is no.  It's worse.

I definitely don't want to get into a debate with anyone about the perspective I have offered, since it relates to my childhood personally and is not really open to discussion. Questions yes, opinions, no. Hopefully you can understand how I mean that, not unkindly.

I just really wanted to give to the discussion what I have to give in case it might be useful.

Wow. Thanks for that perspective, Tania. This definitely makes me think a little harder about it. Dirty kids, I can handle. Hurting a kid, indirectly or unpurposefully or not, I can't... Will have to think harder now that you point out how huge a commitment it is...

i didn't grow up like tania, but i have done some volunteer work where i suspected we weren't doing any good.  i did something once where we were supposed to help clean up the community garden in an urban setting.  here we were all these privileged kids showing up to pull some weeds, and i'm sure everyone thought they were being so awesome.

some little kids from the neighborhood showed up and we were playing with them and stuff, and at one point one of them said, "are you guys coming back tomorrow?"

the answer was no.  we weren't actually ever going back, and i felt like crap. cuz the program was just making us feel good and we really weren't doing anything good for the long run.  i felt like one big photo-op or something.

there have been other similar things too.  i feel like this sort of thing is not just something where if your heart is in the right place, it's a good thing.  i don't think these things are necessarily worth it unless you are willing to deal with real crap (i.e. not give up on the kid fast because they're a tough case) and willing to put in REAL time, on the order of multiple years.

my .02. 

Ugh. I've been in a thing like that too. I went to a PeaceJam when I was in High School, which is a big conference of teenagers and they have Nobel Peace Laureates come and speak (Desmond Tutu was at the PeaceJam I went to.... it was awesome). The program as a whole is great. I'm not dissing it, just this one part...

But anyhow, to teach us 'follow-through' and 'local action', they had us go to the 'bad part' of Denver and clean up trash. The place was totally abandoned when we got there. There was no one there but this throng of teenagers armed with leather gloves and trash bags. Well, turns out they had the cops go through ahead of time and kick all the homeless folks, vagrants and all-around seedy characters out of the neighborhood so we wouldn't see them. How ludicrous...

Eric and I really want to do something to make a difference. Montana has it's share of social issues, a lot of them stemming from meth problems (check out Montana's biggest advertiser). But a comment like Tania's makes you think twice. This is about real commitment. You can't just throw 50 bucks at it and be done with it like so many 'acts of charity'. Makes you think... I think that Eric and I will still do it, but that comment just made me take it a little more seriously.

I'm so glad that you totally understand what I was trying to do.  I thought about it last night and was afraid I would come off as trying to discourage you from trying to do some good in the world.  Not at all.  Just offering the flip side that sometimes people might not think about. 

Best of luck with your decision.