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 Swim
Comments: So, I thought I'd try a different training approach for this race. I've noticed in the past how heavier athletes with a little more girth around the middle seem to turn in some pretty impressive swim times, no doubt to the increased buoyancy. So my training for this race consisted mainly of forcing down extra Kopp's double cheeseburgers, washed down with plenty of heavy Belgian Ales, and as little actual time in the pool as possible. Strangely, this approach seems to have adversely affected my performance. Sheesh, even djdavey out-swam me. As for Mr. Veneer-Teeth, the ex-college swimmer, even with all his recent swim training he was still only able to beat my time by :19, so I'm just going to go ahead and count this as a win for the Good Guy... me. What would you do differently?: You know what? I'd stop swimming halfway through, then wait for Charles' wave to approach. Then, I'd hold my breath and dive under water. When I saw Charles, I'd swim up from beneath and give him a Super Turbo Wedgie. That's right. I'd pull his lycra shorts so far up his butt crack I'd split his lip.  Transition 1
Comments: Yeah, I snailed this. What can I say? I just wasn't feeling highly motivated. What would you do differently?: The serious answer? I'd skip putting on my socks for a Sprint. But I hadn't trained in my running shoes at all without socks and didn't want to risk a blister, considering I have other races coming up. The silly answer? I'd find Charles' bike and hide it in the Porta-Potty.  Bike
Comments: If I'm honest, I overcooked this. I probably wasn't fit enough to race this hot and paid for it on the run. But then, I really didn't know that until I got off the bike and attempted to run, only to find the best I could manage was a slow slither. At least, this was the one area in which I did turn in a faster split than Charles... by a full four seconds! What would you do differently?: I'd not have a bike accident in June, which basically halted my bike and run training for two weeks. Transition 2
Comments: T2 was a really good movie until it got all sappy at the end, when Ah-nold got lowered into the molten steel as John Connor cried like a little baby. What would you do differently?: I would have written a different ending, in which more stuff got blown up and Robert Patrick turned into a liquid metal steamroller and squashed John Connor, so that awful T3 could have neevr been made.  Run
Comments: Well, this just plain sucked. I never thought I'd see my mile splits in the 8's again for a sprint. Who would have thought simply carrying an extra 15-pounds around my waist would negatively impact my run performance? The ultimate insult came when, around the 2.5-mile mark, the stork-legged wonder goes trotting right by me, sealing the deal on my dismal race day. At least at Camp Whitcomb last year, I showed the class not to pass Charles out on the run course after I knew I had the win in the bag. That just goes to show what a no-good, lily-livered, hot-dogging punk that guy is. Not like me. I'm classy. What would you do differently?: In T2, I would have taken out a Bowie knife and actually hacked 15-pounds of flab from my abdomen. I'm pretty sure I could have saved enough time to finish before succumbing to unconsciousness due to massive blood loss. Post race
Warm down: I assumed a lotus position at the Finish Line and imagined myself drifting in a cool mountain stream. What limited your ability to perform faster: I don't want to make this all political, but it was Bush's fault. Event comments: Honestly, for the hefty price tag attached to this race, I expected it to be a bit better organized and for the post race food and activities to be better. Yes, it's for a good cause, but a premium price demands a premium race experience. The Awards presentation was just ridiculously long. As for Charles, enjoy the victory while you can, my "friend". You have rekindled the fire in my belly. I will train each day with the no other thought on my mind than crushing your spirit and exposing you for the mangy, lowdown, ambushing coward that you are. Oh, and congrats on taking second place in your AG, Charles. Azz-hat. Last updated: 2010-07-27 12:00 AM
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United States
Tri-ing for Children’s
84F / 29C
Sunny
Overall Rank = /
Age Group = M 40 - 44
Age Group Rank = 0/
OK, in keeping with my half-azzed training this summer which ensured my half-azzed results, I've decided to make this my half-azzed Race Report. I'll understand if you only give it a half-azzed read.
So let's cut right to the chase. Just about the first person I see upon my arrival was my old archnemesis, the giraffe-necked local news anchor himself, Charles Benson. This was completely unexpected and, by my judgement, completely outside the rules of our arch-rivalry. It had been long established that we would wait until the Camp Whitcomb Mason Tri to stage our annual showdown, and now he goes and surprises me by showing up two weeks early at this race. Never mind that I had also never shown up at this race before, either. This is all about Charles, and his lowdown dirty ambush tactics. I'm not going to mince words here-- he is a cheat and a scoundrel and, no doubt, a closet Vikings fan to boot. When I had spoken with Charles at the Multisport Expo earlier this year, he purposely neglected to tell me this race was on his schedule and on top of that, he never mentioned he would also be training to do a Half-Ironman this year. In fact, he specifically said he didn't think a HIM would be in the cards for him for a while. So then he goes and shows up to ambush me at this race, having trained all season with some elite tri team AND just coming off blowing it up at his first HIM in Door County.
Meanwhile, I had been still basking in the afterglow of my first IM last year, enjoying a restful "pullback" year in which I had drastically cut back on my training in order to spend more time with my family. I showed up at this race at least 15-pounds heavier than the weight I raced at all last season, my belly stretching the seams of my singlet Tri-suit to its very limits, after an off-season of far too many Newcastle Nut Brown Ales and barbecued ribs.
That's okay, Charles. If you need to resort to these sort of dirty tactics in order to hang with me, anymore, hey, that's on you, pal. It's just the sort of thing I should have expected from a pretty boy, camera-hogging, Aquanet-plastered, stilt-legged news jockey like you. Not that I have any hard feelings, fart-knocker.
So it was on. I was in the wave immediately ahead of Charles' wave. And if I was going to maintain my consecutive wins streak over Charles (which by now was up to precisely 1), I'd have to have the race of my life.
And so, at the sound of the gun, I waddled into the water, knowing the slimmer, sleaker, faster and more diabolical than ever Charles Benson would be hot on my heels.
Yes, I did some.