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 Swim
Comments: I swim. I swallow some water. I cough it back up. I try to pee – I can’t. I see a guy backstroking. He passes me. I see a red buoy. I swim around it. Is that a bridge up there? No- just a barge. I get kicked in the head. I’m awake now. Damn, I’m hungry. I would really like some bacon. I swim some more. I see people hanging onto kayaks looking bewildered. Phew…that’s not me. I never see poopy pants guy again. Hope the Ohio River served as a nice bidet for him. There…a red buoy. I’m almost done!!! I stop to tread water and pee...the last time I would make urine until I was safe in my hotel room later that night. Then I run up the stairs and think to myself, “what the hell am I doing running???” So I walk to the transition tent.  Transition 1
Comments: I get naked and again thank the 1995 yellow bucket incident for my ability to do so. I put on my bike gear and go.  Bike
Comments: 9:20: This bike ride isn’t so bad. Hills? What hills? Averaging 17mph 10:20: Oh…there are hills. I see Courtney. She’s ahead of me. She’s smiling. Why is she smiling? It’s hot. 10:30: first aid station. I watch as five people crash into each other and topple over. Do I stop and help them? No – I can’t do a lot with an aero bottle and shot blocks so I keep going. 10:45: Is that lady really riding a mountain bike for 112 miles? 11:00-1:30: these hours are a complete blur. I feel my hamstrings cramp intermittently – first the left, then the right. I see countless people lying on the side of the road under shade trees. I wonder if they are dead. I remember to take salt tabs. I had planned on one every hour, but this was not going to cut it so started shoveling them in my mouth by the handful. I must have looked like a junky. 1:30-2:30: Everyone says the scenery in Kentucky is beautiful and makes the bike ride enjoyable. All I see is pavement. There are a lot of cracks in the Kentucky pavement. I make a mental note to tell the DOT. 2:30-4:00: Home stretch. I hear ambulances in the distance. Where am I? More gang wars? The guy next to me for 10 miles starts puking. I’m glad he turned his face to the right. I pass him. I guess that counts right? The last 12 miles were horrific. Despite being relatively flat, there was a horrendous headwind that carried with it the odors of the numerous slowly decaying riders in front of me. Or maybe I was just smelling myself. 4:20: Please take my bike. Put it on eBay. Thank you. Transition 2
Comments: I’m naked again. The two ladies helping me seem oddly uncomfortable. I assure them that it’s okay…I’m a doctor and I see naked people all the time. I rub body glide all over and go.  Run
Comments: 4:30: I’m running. Wow. I’m running. Okay. Maybe I should walk. 5:00: I hear more ambulances. 5:30: Close to mile 6. I think I see Courtney. She’s running. Where does she get her energy??? 6:30: I don’t want to eat anymore. I still like salt however, and coke. Every aid station I consume both. The turnaround aid station had no cups so I held out my hands and asked them to give me an 8oz serving of ice water. I drank from my hands. My hands are dirty. Gross. 8:15: It’s getting dark. They give me a glow stick. I didn’t want a glow stick, but then I think it’ll be cool to play with later. 8:20: I’m at mile 20. There’s a van with five men in it. They all have their heads out the windows. What’s going on? Oh…they are vomiting. I pass another ambulance. A lady next to me freezes and shrieks in pain as her calves cramp. Man…I’m really having fun now! 8:25: I think to myself, “I can run 6.2 miles in an hour…and if I do, I’ll break 14 hours.” So, I start running. Thinking back, I’m sure I was hobbling, but it felt like running. I start passing people, and stepping over them. Just so you don’t think I’m ruthless, I did ask them if they were okay, but I couldn’t stop for responses. 9:20: I’m at mile 25. It’s dark. 1.2 miles to go. I start smiling. I almost start crying, but remember that I need that salt. 9:30: I’m rounding the corner and I hear “R O C K in the U S A” playing. People are screaming. Someone is saying my name over the loud speaker. There’s a huge bright light. I run towards that light. Goose bumps raise all over my body. I can’t stop smiling. I cross the finish line. I am an Ironman. Post race
Warm down: I eat pizza and fries. Then I lay in my bed with uncontrollable shakes for about three hours. But I was and am still smiling. Will I do it again? You betcha. Event comments: Craig didn’t make it. Lady who trained during the heat of the day didn’t make it. Poopy pants – that will remain a mystery. This race had the highest drop out rate in ironman history. Thank you Courtney, Shelley, Monette, North Carolina summer, Borland, salt sticks, and everyone else who supported me in this year long endeavor. Last updated: 2010-09-03 12:00 AM
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Age Group = 30-34
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Pre-Race:
4:15 am wake-up.
4:20: Eat-Clif Protein Bar, Banana, and a $3.18 can of coke from the hotel mini-bar
4:30: Don my one-piece swimsuit and pray that if I have a sudden urge to go I can get out of it in time.
5:00: Walk 2 miles to transition. Put water in my aero bottle and chat briefly with a racer next to me who tells me she trained in the middle of the day so she’s not worried about the heat. I wondered to myself, “Who can train in the middle of the day? What’s her job?” as I thought back on my many 4am workouts.
5:30: Walk another mile to race start…or so I thought. Louisville is unique in that you line up and jump in the water single file off of two docks. Surely getting there around 6 would give us enough time to get a good spot in line. No way…we had to walk another ½ mile past racers who looked like they were camped out to get tickets to a basketball game. We finally lined up somewhere along the highway. It was dark. There were no port-a-pots. Having lost any sense of modesty in the yellow bucket incident of 1995, I headed to a nice spot I picked out on the side of the road, pulled my swimsuit aside, and had a nice nervous pee. Courtney did the same.
6:50: We hear a gun shot. My first thought – gang wars! Second thought- the pros are off!
7:00: Another gun shot. Our race had started. The guy in front of me – Craig – started telling me about last year’s race. I asked him about the run. He told me he only made it to mile 90 of the bike last year and had to quit. Okay…not a great story for me. I suppressed the urge to poop myself, but apparently another guy ahead of me could not. At first I thought he was storing a clif bar or some crunchy peanut butter in his backside, but Courtney, who apparently is very knowledgeable about poop, informed me that that is what it was. Boost of confidence for me – at least I hadn’t pooped myself…yet.
7:28: Nearing the start. I pick the left line because no one else is in that one. Turns out for good reason- you have to swim further if you are in that line. Oh well. I like water. Courtney should have known better than to follow me.
7:29: I jump in.