Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids

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2010-08-18 8:25 PM


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Subject: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids

So I'm trying to understand the motivation to finally pull the plug. 

How long were you married?  How long do you go feeling like "This has got to end."  What steps if any did you/both of you take to make it work?

Or marrieds w/out kids, how do I know this isn't just the usual blip in the marriage road or something more serious?  How do folks trudge on and make it work?  I mean come on, we all know it's not wine and roses all the time.  There had to be periods where you wanted to chuck it all and made it through?  How do I know this is one of those times or it's really time to just move on?

I realize this is vague but his has been gnawing at me for about 8 months now, with some overlying grief on top of it so I'm hesitant to make any rash decisions, but because of the recent losses, I am no longer willing -- or perhaps able -- to put up with or deal with much of what I used to.  Make any sense?

I know we all change, and I guess that's what hap'd to me, I've changed, and probably drastically so because of tragic loss, so am very much less willing to put up with that which I had previous. 

So I'm just curious about others' experiences.  Not like i'm looking for the greener grass on the other side.  I've already decided if I pull the plug it's to be left alone......

Thanks in advance for sharing......

2010-08-19 5:53 AM
in reply to: #3051535

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Master
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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids

I would go visit a licensed professional couselor/therapist and run the issues by them...they will be a good sounding board who are not directly involved in the situation-good for perspective in such a big decision.

2010-08-19 6:50 AM
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Queen BTich
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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
I agree with the above. I was married without kids and we tried solo and couples therapy before he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.

I would say that you have other issues to address as well since you mentioned other grief. 

Good luck. 
2010-08-19 7:55 AM
in reply to: #3051535

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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
Agree with the above as well.

First I think you need to deal with your grief and then see what you are really feeling and what can be done about it.  I went to counseling for years before leaving my first marriage.  If you exhaust all the options you know you have done everything could and won't regret the decision.  I think this goes for all marriages.
2010-08-19 8:10 AM
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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
Wholeheartedly agree with all of the above. Marriage counseling isn't always about saving a relationship. At times it may be the healthy way to understand when it is better to move on and learn about one's self and what is needed in a partner in the process. 

Interesting first post on tri forum. Wondering if you have been a lurker and have seen the quality of advice given around here (which in my opinion is usually quite good) or did you just jump right in?
2010-08-19 8:22 AM
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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
definitely agree with above, deal with your grief, get counseling.

if you do split,
there will come a time when you are alone in the dark, and you will have to answer to YOURSELF this question...Did I do everything I could, to make this work? 

Know that answer before you get there. 






2010-08-19 9:06 AM
in reply to: #3051969

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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
Grief is such a tricky thing.  It colors so many aspects of what's going on I'm not sure how you can decipher how it might be affecting your relationship versus what's happening is just the relationship.  Having suffered loss myself (in the not too distant past) I know that it can forever change how you view life in general, ergo how you view your relationship.

Edited by travljini 2010-08-19 9:09 AM
2010-08-19 9:23 AM
in reply to: #3051535

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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
1. solo therapy.  you cannot be part of a "whole" if you are not whole yourself.
2. you deserve validation and support to be a healthy happy person.
3. what do you want out of life/ how do you want to live your life?  I have found that even if you love someone and are comfy with them, if you don't want the same things out of life anymore you are just depriving both people of the chance to be happy.
4. changing your relationship status is not a failure.  There is no law that says just because you walked down the aisle at one point you have give up your happiness to make the couple-part work. 

I found a better mate when I left my unhappy relationship even though i was really really comfortable in it. 
And, I am much happier with my new mate who is previously-divorced.  He has done the work on what makes him happy and what he wants from life.  He now has wonderful communication skills and the ability to understand what he needs to do to keep himself a happy person.

Don't be afraid to make the next step, be it therapy for yourself or separation.  If you are asking here, you probably already have an idea of what you should do,  and if you are looking for support in your decision this community will support you to be a happy healthy person.  :-)
2010-08-19 9:39 AM
in reply to: #3051535

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Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
In the end it's a team effort.  One person cannot fight for the marriage while the other does not. 
Step 1:  Talk with your partner about what's on your mind
Step 2:  Both get counseling indivually if you can't talk to your partner
Step 3:  In conjunction or after step 2, get couples therapy
Step 4:  Decide what you want to do THEN.
2010-08-19 10:56 AM
in reply to: #3052296


2

Subject: RE: Calling on Divorced Folks w/out Kids or Marrieds w/out kids
Thanks for some great replies............

I should have added that I have been in counseling.  I finally persuaded him to join me -- at great resistance, and he's been a total of 3 times.  His mother is a life-long therapy addict.  She never met a therapist / therapy group she didn't go to for the last 35 years and he fears getting wrapped into that cycle.

I suppose I am asking for others' stories because it's so difficult to parse out what is the grief or what is the unhappiness with the relationship.

Much thanks!
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