Looking for input from mental health professionals

On Thursday I am meeting a new psychiatrist to work on controlling my ADHD. I've now tried most of the meds and they either have unacceptable side effects or don't do anything.

I'm supposed to come up with the central thing I want to address. This will be the 3rd doctor I've been to. I didn't really connect with the first two, but I also feel like I didn't adequately convey what my issues are. So I'm writing down the information I feel they need. And would love to have some input. Did I adequately convey my message?

The following is what I've written on the subject as well as posted in my blog.

I've figure out fairly effectively how to control my attention issues as well use them to my benefit, and since it was brought to my attention, I've been working on controlling my impulsive behavior where it impacts social situations. Most notably interrupting people.

I used to think it was my impulsive behavior that leads me to take risks but I'm no longer positive that is the root cause.

I like to go fast. More so then most people I know, especially adults with spouses and children who depend on them, the notable exceptions being other ADHD people.

It has been said that a person with ADHD has a supercharged brain. I feel like normal people start to become overwhelmed as they move faster because their brains can't keep up with all the information that is presented to them and needs to be processed.

On the other hand it is only when I start going very fast that the information being presented to my brain is enough so that it doesn't wander.

I don't bungee jump or sky dive or do any of the quick fix things typical of so called adrenaline junkies. I like to spend long times at high speeds because I am addicted to the ability to focus.

It's hard for people who don't have a problem focusing to understand what it is like to never be able to focus on one thing, to always have multiple lines of though running through your head and constantly jump back and fourth so that you never get a complete picture of each.

Serenity for me is only having one line of thought going through my head. It is only when I am flying down a trail on a mountain bike, or hauling through the woods on skis that there is only one line of through in my head. It's all about processing the information presented to me and making adjustments so I don't crash. The intense focus blocks out the chaos around me along any thoughts about what would happen if I crash or that I have a daughter at home that needs her daddy. But those few fleeting moments of calmness are so exquisite that I continue to take the risks despite not wanting to any more.

I need to exercise. I need to do it in a way that isn't boring but no matter how much I tell myself that I need to not allow myself to go to fast, once I get out there and get moving I lose sight of my reasons for not wanting to go fast.

I was lucky when I was younger and suffered minor consequence. Only bad bruises, shoulder subluxation and plenty of road rash and scrapes. In February of 07 I hit a tree while skiing way too fast in the woods. Had I been out of bounds like earlier in the day I would have died lying in the snow alone. I was in bounds near people and was rushed to the hospital where I spent a week in the ICU. 2 months later I was riding again. 3 months later I was doing all the drop offs at my local loop. In September 07, just 7.5 and a half months after the ski accident, I fell off of a teeter totter while mountain biking and suffered a grade 3 AC separation. I wasn't able to change my daughters diapers for a few days. Thanks to an inattentive ER doc and a misdiagnosis I was riding 6 days later. I fell 7 days after the AC separation and had to get stitches in my eye brow.

Going to the ER two Sundays in a row was the final straw. I didn't ski last winter, I sold my downhill bike and I tried to avoid taking risks on my bikes. Since I thought I was addicted to adrenaline, I thought I would try an replace that with endorphins. I decided to take up triathlon.

What I found was that I drank more, I'd get buzzed once a week which is a lot for me. The feeling is so close to what I feel like after a long mountain bike or a day of skiing that I used it as a replacement. And I started driving faster. I'd be cruising along not paying attention to the speedometer and next thing I know I'm doing 95mph.

The repercussions of these two things are far worse then just doing my risk taking on my own. I decided to not allow myself more then one drink on rare occasions. I got another burly bike and went back to the riskier type riding that I crave.

Since making that decision late last spring I've had maybe 5 drinks. I'm content to tool along in the slow lane doing no more then a couple miles over the limit. I also came across a podcast about risk taking in outdoor activities like mountain biking, skiing, rock climbing and mountaineering. It discussed how the brain reacts to stress. When surprised with a potential life or death situation the brain has the typical flight or flight reaction. Epinephrine is created which does a host of things physiologically but also shuts down the decision making center of the brain. When knowingly placed in a stressful, potentially life or death situation the body creates norepinephrine which has very similar physiological effects but allows the brain to focus and make rapid decisions to avert the situation. This was like a revelation to me. It completely explained why I love to put myself into danger. It gives me to ability to focus and allows me those precious moments of calm. It also explains why Triathlon can't replace the riskier sports although I do plan to continue with it.

My goals are to either find a way to manage myself so that I don't need to take risks or drink to replace the afterglow of a day spent on the edge. Or reconcile my conscience with my addiction to risk taking. Realize that if I allow myself to do so in a controlled manner I don't put others at risk but it is important to my mental health to occasionally toe the line while minimizing the consequences as much as possible.