Letter to My Animals

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2006-04-20 3:01 PM

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Master
2288
2000100100252525
Katy, TX (West of Houston)
Subject: Letter to My Animals
Dear Dogs and Cats



The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.



The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.




I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.



For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.



The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt,
NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!



Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for
college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


2006-04-20 3:07 PM
in reply to: #401845

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Master
1845
100050010010010025
Athens, Ga.
Subject: RE: Letter to My Animals
I'm going to read this to my dog tonight. Especially the taking up the whole bed part.
2006-04-20 4:38 PM
in reply to: #401845

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Expert
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St. Louis, MO
Subject: RE: Letter to My Animals

Diary of a Cat - 

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

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