What Doctors say behind your back

Descriptions of symptoms

* GOK - "God only knows"; confession of ignorance.
* P(A)FO - "pissed, (and) fell over" ("pissed" is British slang for "drunk")
* PGT - "pissed, got thumped"
* TAT - "tired all the time"
* UBI - "unexplained beer injury"
* SPAK - "status post -kicking"
* UPF - "Un-passed fart", describing gasseous distention as seen on an xray of the abdomen
* FOS - "Full of ", describing severe constipation that can be seen on an xray of the abdomen
* GLF - "Ground level fall," i.e. a fall from standing, not a fall from a height.
* DB - dirt ball (dirty person)
* Geosphere - technical version of DirtBall (Geo=dirt; sphere = ball)

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Other acronyms

* ATFO - "asked to off", instructed to go away.
* CTD - "circling the drain" (expected to die soon)
* DBI - "dirt bag index" - a number calculated from number of tattoos and missing teeth. Also
* TTR - "tooth to tattoo ratio," a synonym of DBI. A low TTR indicates that the patient will probably live, especially if he is a trauma patient.
* FLK - "funny looking kid" (sometimes used to note Down syndrome or low-level abnormalities of appearance)
* BFH - "big fucking head", usually hydrocephalus, often used to describe an FLK as in "Go examine the FLK with the BFH."
* GLM - "good looking mum"
* GOMER - "get out of my emergency room"; patient, usually poor or elderly, in the emergency room with a chronic, non-emergency condition. Popularized by Samuel Shem in his novel The House of God.
* GPO - "good for parts only"
* LOBNH - "Lights on but nobody home"; stupid.
* NFN - "normal for Norfolk"; not quite normal, possible suggestion of inbreeding as a cause
* TEETH - "tried everything else, try homeopathy"
* TTFO - "told to off", instructed to go away. (This acronym can also be plausibly expanded to "to take fluids orally" for the benefit of inquiring authorities.)
* LGFD - "looks good from door"; used to describe a difficult patient that you do not want to enter the room and interact with.
* PBTB - "pine box to bedside"; indicates an imminent demise
* FOOSH - "fall on outstretched hand"
* LOL - "little old lady"
* AMF-YOYO* - "adios MoFo, you're on your own"
* FFDID - "found face down in ditch"
* FFDIG - "found face down in gutter"
* FOOBA - "found on ortho barely alive"
* POPTA - "passed out prior to arrival"
* TFTB - "too fat to breathe"

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Slang terms
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Terms for occupations

* Captain Kangaroo - head of a paediatrics department
* Freud Squad - psychiatry department
* Gasser, gas passer - anaesthetist
* Slasher - surgeon
* Short-order chef - morgue worker
* Knuckledragger - orthopedist
* Flea - internal medicine doctor
* Stream team - the urology service collectively
* Pecker checker - urologist
* Pediatron - pediatrician
* Baby catcher - obstetrician
* Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine
* BoneHo - off-service resident working on Orthopedic service

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Physical Exam Signs

* Chandelier sign - n. used to bescribe a patient who experiences extreme pain during a physical exam and thus "jumps up to the chandelier." Classically used to describe cervical motion tenderness from a pelvic inflammation.
* O-sign - n. used to describe a comatose patient with his mouth agape.
* Q-sign - n. similar to an O-sign but with the patient's tongue protruding.
* Throckmorton sign- n. used to describe a penis that is visible on xray; tradition dictates that the side that the penis points to will have an abnormal finding.

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Other terms

* Angel Lust - A death erection.
* Code brown - faecal incontinence emergency
* Crispy critter - severely burnt patient
* Departure lounge - geriatric ward
* Fascinoma - any interesting or amusing tumor or malignancy
* Oligoneuronal - stupid (means 'small number of brain cells')
* Plumbum oscillans - 'swinging the lead' (a malingerer)
* Pneumo-cephalic - stupid (means 'airhead')
* Pumpkin positive - lacking in intelligence; implies that the patient's brain is so small that shining a torch into their mouth would cause their head to light up like a pumpkin
* Peek and shriek - to open a patient surgically, discover an uncurable condition, and close the incision immediately
* Head bonk - describing an otherwise uninjured patient who was struck on the head but came to the ER just to be sure.
* Crook-U - similar to ICU, SICU, PICU, etc, but is a prison ward in a hospital.
* Bounce back - v. to be re-admitted to the hospital shortly after discharge, for the same or related condition.
* Bounce-back - n. A patient who has bounced back. For instance "I admitted one of your bounce-backs last night."
* Wall - n. A physician (usually a resident) adept at preventing admissions to his service. See "dump" below.
* Sieve - n. A physician (usually a resident) who is not skilled at dumping; the opposite of a wall.
* Buff - v. to be sure all details regarding a patient's care are attended to so that discharge or transfer to another service or facility will proceed smoothly and no excuses or objections can be raised to prevent the discharge or transfer. For example "Be sure to buff the guy in 702 before we send him to the nursing home."
* Turf - v. to transfer a patient to another service. For example "The GOMER was healed from his surgery but his diabetes was still uncontrolled, so we turfed him to medicine."
* Dump - v. arranging for a patient who should probably be admitted to your service to be admitted to another service or another facility. Also used as a noun, for example "This guy was a total dump from the private hospital."
* Appy - n. an appendix, or a patient with appendicitis.
* Choly or Chole - cholecystitis (inflammation of the gallbladder), or a patient with cholecystitis.
* Virgin abdomen - n. a patient that has never had abdominal surgery before, implying that there will be little intra-abdominal scarring.
* Celestial discharge - n. death.
* Trauma handshake - n. a digital rectal exam. Every major trauma patient gets one.
* Win the game - v. to discharge all of the patients from your service, so that you have no inpatients to care for. For example "Mike won the game and doesn't have to round this weekend."
* Supratentorial - adj. literally "above the tentorium", loosly meaning "in the brain cortex" and used to imply that something is all in a patient's head, usually right in front of them. For instance "This patient's condition is supratentorial."
* Donorcycle - n. a motorcycle.
* Digging for worms - varicose vein removal surgery.
* Gorillacillin - n. a very powerful antibiotic.
* Crump - v. to have a sudden change for the worse.
* Code - v. similar to "crump", usually implies that CPR is necessary.
* Gorked - adj. unresponsive and nonverbal, either due to sedation or medical condition.
* Hallucinoma - n. used when you though you saw something that wasn't really there. For instance "The mass on the MRI turned out to be a hallucinoma."
* Shotgun labs - v. to order many labs in the hope that one will be abnormal and give you a clue what is wrong with the patient.
* GI Rounds - n. a meal. GI means "gastrointestinal."
* Knife and Gun Club - n. local street gangs and other criminal organizations, for example "We have a very active knife and gun club, so the trauma experience is outstanding."
* Two dudes - n. This is always the answer when you ask a patient who beat them up, as in "I was walking down the street minding my own business when these two dudes jumped me for no reason." The implication is that if it were only one dude the patient would have won the fight.
* Tough stick - n. a patient that it is difficult to draw blood from.
* Treat and street - v. to treat a patient in the ER or clinic without admitting them to the hospital.
* Bean - n. kidney.
* Squash - n. brain.
* Smashola - n. a patinet with multiple blunt trauma injuries, usually a motor-vehicle accident.
* Vitamin H - n. Haldol.
* Vitamin L - n. Lasix. Also sometimes called "Vitamin P" because it is a diuretic.
* Dance - v. the process of tying a surgical gown behind the surgeon's back; involves a 180-degree spin by the surgeon. "Shall we dance?"
* Squirrel - n. a strange patient, particularly one whose eccentricities make your life difficult. There is a related adjective, "squirrelly." A common aphorism is "Squirrels get sick too", used as a reminder not to dismiss such a patient's concerns out of hand because they may actually have a real problem.
* trainwreck (synonymous with shipwreck) - adj. patient with multiple medical problems and complications that will keep you up all night

DOCTORS' SLANG, MEDICAL SLANG AND MEDICAL ACRONYMS
AND VETERINARY ACRONYMS & VET SLANG

These have been mostly collected from the UK and USA, with a few non-English contributions (many thanks to all contributors from around the globe). Some of the acronyms are region-specific and have differing meanings in US and UK. It is noticeable that the US has numerous acronyms and slang terms relating to gun-related incidents and injuries. The slang/acronyms are directed variously at patients, other medical staff or mystifying medical conditions. I haven't included the slang terms for all of the various medical equipment. The veterinary appendix - due to popular demand - is at the foot of the page.

3H enema - Enema that is "high, hot, and a hell of a lot." Reputedly given to patients who give staff a hard time.
3P’s - Pill, Permissiveness and Promiscuity (relates to female patients with sexually transmitted disease)
4F - Fair, fat, female and forty OR fat, forty-ish, flatulent female (both mean abdominal pain patient who is candidate for gall bladder disease)
4H - (US) Haemophiliac, Hispanic, Homosexual, Heroin addict
5-H-1-T - polite medical term for
10th Floor Transfer - dying (floor number is always the next number on from the highest floor in the hospital).
45C - patient is one chromosome short of a full set (thick)

Acades vulgaris - medical students.
Acronymophilia - excessive reliance on TLAs /TLMs & XTLMs (extended 3 letter acronyms)
Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 185 grain Injection - 9mm gunshot wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) 240 grain Injection 44 calibre magnum wound
(Acute Lead Poisoning) Air-conditioned - Multiple gun shot wounds
Acute Hyponicotaemia - desperate for nicotine fix (cigarette)
Acute Pneumoencephalopathy - airhead
Adminisphere - where hospital managers work, reckoned to be "another planet"
ADR - Ain’t Doing Right
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
AGMI - Ain't Gonna Make It (won't survive)
Aggressive Euthanasia - A procedure that obnoxious patients would benefit from.
AHF - Acute Hissy Fit
Albatross - chronically ill patient who will remain with a doctor until one or other of them expire
ALC - a la casa (send the patient home)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
Amyoyo syndrome - Alright motherf*****, you're on your own (seen in head injury patients in Intensive Care)
Angel lust - a male corpse with an erection (not uncommon). Is also sometimes used to mean death that occurred during intercourse.
APD - Acute Prozac Deficiency (depression)
APRS - (US) Acute Puerto Rican syndrome (bouts of screaming and yelling)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
AQR - Ain't Quite Right
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Ash Cash - money for signing a cremation form
Ash Point - where you collect the Ash Cash
Assmosis - promotion by "kissing "
AST - Assuming Seasonal Temperature (dead)
ATD - (US) Acute Tylenol Deficiency (simple fever or head cold)
ATFO - Asked To F*** Off
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness; known in US as MGM syndrome
Aunt Minnie Lesion - once seen, never forgotten, much like certain aunts at the family wedding
Ax(e) - surgeon

Baby catcher - obstetrician
Babygram -x-raying (radiographing) a newborn
Bagged and Tagged (B&T) - Body ready for dispatch to morgue
Bagrinhos - (Brazil) interns ("bullheads" - type of fish that gets in the way of real fishing)
Banana - patient with jaundice
Bash Cash: the money paid for completing accident (insurance) claim forms in A&E
BBCS - Bumps, Bruises, Cuts and Scrapes (i.e. no serious injuries)
BBL Sign (Belly-button Lint Sign) - male, middle-aged, overweight and hairy (an umbilicus that looks like the lint [fluff] trap in a tumble dryer is most common in overweight, hairy, older men). Known as Belly-button Fluff in Britain.
Beached whale - obese patient unable to do much for him/herself except lie there with flailing arms and legs
Benny - patient on benefit (welfare payments)
Betty - a patient with diabetes
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blade - Surgeon: dashing, bold, arrogant and often wrong, but never in doubt
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Blood Suckers - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
Blown Mind - gunshot wound to the head.
Blue Blower - patient with severe lung disease
Blue Pipe - vein (as opposed to 'red pipe' or artery)
BMT - Bowel-Movement Taco (faecal matter trapped in female genitalia)
BMW - Moan & Whine
Bobbing for apples - unblocking a badly constipated patient with one's finger
BOHICA - Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
Bones and Groans - non-specialist general hospital
Boogie or Goober - tumour. A Roasted Goober is a tumour after intensive cobalt treatment; a Healthy Goober is a dead tumour patient.
Bordeaux - bloodstained urine
Bottle return - removing a bottle lodged in the anal canal
Bounce - returning a turfed patient back to original dept (see also turf and buff)
Bounceback - patient who keeps returning to the hospital
Box - to die
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
Brown trout - a stool that won't float (as opposed to an air biscuit, which does)
BSS - Bilateral Samsonite Syndrome: patient admitted with both their bags packed in preparation
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
Buff - re-hash the patient's story to make it sound more appropriate for the patient to be referred to another dept (see also turfing and bouncing)
Buff Up - to ready a patient for release
Bug Juice - antibiotics
Bugs in the rug - pubic lice
Bull in the ring - blockage in the large intestine
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bungee jumper - a patient who pulls on his catheter tube
Bunnies - Sanitary Towels (sanitary napkins)
Bunny Boiler - (Psych) dangerously obsessive or unbalance woman (based on film "Fatal Attraction")
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
BVA - Breathing Valuable Air
BWCO - Baby Won't Come Out (needs Caesarian)

C&T Ward - Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips"
Cabbage - heart bypass i.e. CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft)
Callbellectomy - minor operation, sadly not permitted, to remove over-used call bell from patient's hand/reach!
Call Button Jockey - patient that uses call button all night long for no good reason.
Calling Doctor Blue [to location] - public address system code for "baffling case needing more doctors to take a look in the hope that one of them will know what to do"
Captain Kangaroo - chairman of a paediatrics department.
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
CCFCCP - Coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs (dementia or similar)
Cephosplat - Domestos Antibiotic; Kills all known germs
Ceiling Sign - near-levitation from the bed to the ceiling induced by examining for abdominal tenderness
Celestial discharge - died
Celestial transfer - died (transferred to the Eternal Care Unit)
CFT - Chronic Food Toxicity i.e. obesity
Champagne tap - bloodless lumbar tap
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
Chartomegaly - patient is so frequent s/he has a large (and growing) chart
Cheerioma - a patient with a highly aggressive, malignant tumour
Chocolate Hostage - constipated
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
CKS - cute kid syndrome
CLL - chronic Low Life
Code 0 - (Ambulance) Time-waster/tax-waster (genuine codes are Code 1 [non-serious] to Code 4 [emergency])
Code Azure - message to other medics to do nothing extraordinary to save a very ill patient who will die shortly no matter what is done
Code Brown - faecal incontinence emergency (e.g. of bedlinen)
Code Yellow - urinary incontinence emergency
Coffin Dodger - survived against expectations, or a very old person
Cold-tea sign - refers to the several cups of cold tea on the bedside cabinet beside a dead geriatric (i.e. no-one noticed the patient had died)
COPD - Chronic Old Persons Disease (unwell, no specific cause)
Crackerjack referral - (UK) It's Friday, it's five to five, it's... (Crackerjack was a popular TV show) i.e. Friday afternoon job
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - s**thead or s**t for brains
Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Insertion or Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up- syndrome)
Crinkly - geriatric
Crispy critter - severe burns case
Crock - Hypochondriac.
Crop Rotation - Ambulance shuttle service from nursing home to surgery and back again
Crumble (crumbly) - elderly patient
Crump - (UK) RTA [Road Traffic Accident], (US) crash; trying to die
Crump, Gork or Vedgy - Intensive care patient incapable of movement and apparently unaware of his surroundings.
CRS - Can’t Remember Sh*t
CRT - Can't Really Treat
CTF - Cletus the Fetus (US). A 23 week, or earlier, births that parents expect to survive against all odds
CTD - Circling the Drain (Close To Death)
CTS - Crazier than sh*t
C*nts and Runts - Maternity and Paediatrics
Cut and Paste - To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up (or almost immediately - sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while).
CYA - Cover Your ; unnecessary procedure/prescription done to avoid being sued

D&D - Divorced and Desperate (middle aged female who visits doctor weekly just for male attention)
Dagenham - (psychiatry) or "Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad (based on British train station names)
DACB - (US) Drunk As Cooter Brown (UK equivalent is PIAF)
Dandruff on wheels - scabies or other transmissible flaky skin condition
DBI - Dirt Bag Index: number of tattoos x number of missing teeth = days since the patient last bathed
De-coke and Re-bore - Dilatation and curettage (gynae) op
Deep fry - cobalt therapy (radiation therapy)
Departure lounge - geriatric ward
Dermaholiday - nickname for dermatology dept used by staff in busier depts
DFO - (1) (US) Done Fell Out (anything from fainting to cardiac arrest)
DFO - (2) Drunk and Fell Over
DFO-SFJ - Done Fell Out - Screaming For Jesus
DIFFC - Dropped In For Friendly Chat (i.e. no medical problem)
Digging for Worms - varicose vein surgery
DIIK - Darned if I know
DILF - Doctor I'd Like to F*** (Fornicate with): Nursing slang for good-looking doctor
Dirtball - patient who enters the emergency room filthy and smelling badly
Discharged downstairs - transferred to the morgue
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Doc In A Box - a small clinic/health centre, with ever-changing staff.
Doing the Twirly - circling the drain (about to die)
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs!
DENTIST - Doesn't Even Need Treatment - It's Sorted, Truly
Dishwasher - sterilization machine
Double bind trial - Two orthopods looking at an electrocardiogram
Double Whopper with Cheese - Obese female with genital thrush
Doughnut - CT scanner
DPP - (Brazil) leave patient for the next shift to deal with ("Deixa para o Próximo Plantão")
DPS - Dumb Parent Syndrome
DPS - (General Practice) Droopy Penis Syndrome: a patient wanting Viagra prescription
DPS - (Hospital) Disappearing Penis Syndrome: the usual reaction of the male organ in response to insertion of catheter or endoscope
DQ - Drama Queen
Dr Feelgood - a doctor who is indiscriminate about prescribing drugs
Drinkectomy - separating a drunk from his can of lager (performed in A&E dept)
Drooler - catatonic patient.
DRT - Dead Right There (patient dead at scene of accident)
DRTTTT - Dead Right There, There, There and There (patient dead and in multiple parts at scene of accident)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
DSP - Dumb Sh*t Profile
DTMA - Don't Transfer to Me Again.
DTS - Danger To Shipping (in a particularly large patient's records)
DWPA - Death/Dying With Paramedic Assistance
Duck - portable urinal for bedridden male hospital patients
Dude Factor - Survival scoring factor based on social worth. A high dude factor = an individual of questionable social worth who survives near-fatal injuries. A low dude factor = professional person who slips in the bathroom sustaining a fatal injury
Dump - patient that nobody seems to want
Dunlap Syndrome - belly done lapped over the waistband; obese (spare tyre, Dunlop being a brand of tyre)
Dys-Synaptogenic - stupid

Eating In - Intravenous feeding
Eating the Bill - (USA) providing care for indigent patients lacking insurance i.e. "We ate the bill on that guy."
ECU - Eternal Care Unit: heaven ("gone to the ECU = dead)
EDGATWTTTF - Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor (thick)
Embromed - (Brazil) imaginary health plan: postponement of solution through hoax.
EMS - Earn Money Sleeping (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Service)
EMT - Extraordinary Masochistic Tendencies (joke at expense of Emergency Medical Technicians)
Engessar - (Brazil) to orient treatment so that the patient can't complain (literally "to place in a cast").
ERCP - Emergency Retrograde Clerking of Patient, an emergency procedure before the consultant rounds
ERNOBW - Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)
Estropício - (Brazil) poor, unkempt obstetric patient ("jeopardy").
Eternal Care - Intensive Care (for a patient who won't come out again)
ETOH - Extremely Trashed or Hammered (2 derivations given: corruption of "Etho" [ethanol addict] or from "EtOH" [chemistry abbreviation for ethanol])
Expensive care - intensive care
Expensive Scare - intensive care

FABIANS - Felt Awful But I'm Allright Now Syndrome
Faecal Encephalopathy - Sh*t for brains
Family Care Plan - One child gets the sniffles, whole family gets a trip to A&E
Fanger - oral surgeon
Fascinoma - Interesting pathology, but not as interesting as the ensuing politics over who gets first authorship when the case is written up
FCBP - Fellow of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
FD - F*cking drunk
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
Feather Count - measure of flakiness (e.g. high feather count)
Feet-up General - a quiet district hospital
FHHS - (US) Female Hispanic Hysterical Syndrome (screaming and crying)
FINE - F*cked up , insecure, neurotic & emotional
Finger Wave - rectal exam
FIRT - Failed impact resistance test (crash victim)
FITH - F***ed in the head
Fluttering Eye Syndrome - Patient faking unconsciousness
FLB - Funny Little Bumps (unexplained skin bumps)
Flea - (US) internists, (UK) ethnic nurses (used in 1970s during an influx of imported healthcare staff) i.e. "they get everywhere"
FLK - Funny Looking Kid (sometimes suggests rural inbreeding)
FLK w/ GLM - Funny Looking Kid with a Good Looking Mother
FLKBCOTP - Funny Looking Kid But Check Out The Parents
FLKOFS - Funny Looking Kid, Okay For Sunderland (one of many regional variants of NFN [Normal For Norfolk])
Flower Sign - flowers at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
FLP - Funny Looking Parents (hereditary cause suspected for FLK)
FMPS - Fluff My Pillow Syndrome (attention/sympathy seeker), like Call Button Jockey
FODE - Falling On Deaf Ears
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FOOSH - Fall Onto Outstretched Hand (as cause of broken wrist/arm)
FOS - Full Of Sh*t (either severely constipated or metaphorically)
FOS - Found On Street: unidentified dead homeless person
FPO - For practice only (FTD)
FPT - (Brazil) beyond help, do not resuscitate ("Fora de Possibilidade Terapêutica").
Frequent Flyer - Someone who is transported to and from hospital on a routine basis (also someone who spends more time at the local hospital then most employees and is known by all staff members including Environmental Services)
Freud Squad - psychiatrists
Friday construction - Anatomical equivalent of the cars made on Fridays, when the workers mind was more on the weekend than the job in hand
Fruit Salad - group of stroke patients, all unable to take care of themselves
FTD - Fixing To Die
FTF - Failed to Fly (botched suicide)
Full Moon - full or overcrowded waiting room/A&E/ER

Garden - neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.
Gardening - attending to patients in neurological intensive care.
Gassers OR Gas Passers - anaesthetists
Gatekeeper - General practice doctor whose role is to keep costs low by only allowing a certain number of patients to go to specialists
GDA - Gonna die anyway
Genital hurties - genital herpes
GLM - Good Looking Mum
GOA - Gone On Arrival (police turn up, ambulance turns up, fire brigade turns up, patient doesn't)
Goat Rodeo - Emergency scene which goes badly (resembles a bunch of people riding or wrestling goats)
God's Waiting Room - intensive care unit and/or geriatric unit
GOK - God Only Knows
Goldbrick - patient who demands more attention than their (minor) condition warrants.
Golden - affluent mother who treats the obstetrics nurses like servants
GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room; extended to mean elderly patient who is unable to communicate their symptoms and passed from one department to another
Gomergram - Ordering all available tests because the person is unable to explain what is wrong with them
Gone Camping - patient in oxygen tent
Goober - nutter
Gork - comatose or brain dead
Gorked Out - mental impairment through disease or substance abuse
Go to Ground - fall out of bed or chair
GPH - Goddamns Per Hour
GPO - Good for Parts Only (won't survive)
GRAFOB - Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed
GRAHOB - Grim Reaper At Head Of Bed
Granny Dumping - dumping elderly relative in A&E; often happens just before Christmas or family holiday aka the hospital granny-sitting service
Granny Farm - old persons' residential home, run by a Granny Farmer
Grape Sign - grapes at a bedside, denotes patient has a supportive family and might be candidate for early discharge
Grapes - haemorrhoids
Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning - jumped/fell from height
GROLIES - (UK) Guardian Reader Of Low Intellect In Ethnic Skirt
GTO - Gomer tip over (elderly person with injury from trip or fall)
GTTL - Gone to the light (died)
Guessing tubes - stethoscope
Gun and Rifle Club - Trauma ward full of gunshot and stabbing victims

HAIRY PSALMS - Haven't Any Idea Regarding Your Patient, Send A Lot More Serum
HALS - Hit And Left Standing (apparently uninjured but in shock after RTA/MVA)
Hamburger (Helper) - Train or juggernaut vs pedestrian
Hammer - local anesthetic
Handbag positive - confused patient (usually elderly lady) lying on hospital bed clutching handbag
Happy feet - (US) patient having a grand mal epileptic seizure (in UK, Happy feet means smelly feet (feet which "hum" [stink])
Head - a brain-injury patient. Usage - "I’ve got a head I’ve got to deal with."
Head whack - head injury
Healthy Goober - dead tumour patient.
Hearts and Farts - unit specialising in geriatrics and cardiology
Hey Docs (or Haydock) - alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who chorus "Hey, Doc! when they see a white coat" (sometimes disguised as "Haydock" which is a UK placename)
Hepatology Conference - doctors meeting at a pub or bar (no late appointments, I'm going to a hepatology conference)
Hi 5 - HIV positive ("V" being Roman for 5)
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
High Serum Porcelain Level - Patient is a crock of sh*t
Hippo - Hypochondriac or depressive
Hit and Run - the act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement (often a non-medical appointment).
HIVI - Husband Is Village Idiot
HMO - From phrase, "Hey, Moe!", a concept pioneered by Dr Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough elsewhere. Modern "pokes" with same outcome include estimates for private treatment.
HOPEFUL - Hard-up Old Person Expecting Full Useful Life (i.e. OAPs are not priority for most hospitals)
Hole-in-One - A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
Horrendoplasty - difficult operation for 12 hours on a patient with a BMI of 45
Hospital Hobo Syndrome - person who visits multiple hospitals seeking attention or accommodation
Hospitalismo - (Brazil) Revolving-door patient (in-and-out-and-in ....).
Hospital pilantrópico (Brazilo) - (sarcasm) dubiously charitable hospital where profits outweigh philanthropy.
House red - blood
HTD - Higher Than a Duck
HTK - Higher Than a Kite
HTT(A) - Hot Tots and Twats (Area): Paediatrics & Ob/Gyn wing of hospital
HVLT - High Velocity Lead Poisoning: gunshot wound
Hypoxanaxemia - patient with anxiety symptoms (Xanax deficiency)

Icing on the Cake - lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim.
Improving His Claim - Victim of minor accident, needs no treatment but wants something to support his insurance/legal claim.
Inbreds - doctors whose parents are also doctors
Incarcaphobia - patient is hypochondriac prisoner who prefers hospital to jail cell
Insurance Pain - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
Insurance Whiplash - Neck pain secondary to a minor car bump
International House of Pancakes - neurology ward full of patients (usually stroke victims) all babbling in a different language.
Intubate Junior/Intubate Willy - catheterise a man (often results in DPS - Disappearing Penis Syndrome)
ISQ - In Status Quo ("no change"): often used during the weekend surgical round
ITBNTL - In The Box, Nail The Lid (dead or dying)

JAFFA - Just Another Fat, F***ing Administrator
JLD - Just Like Dad (often used to explain an FLK)
Journal of Anecdotal Medicine - favourite, but unwritten, source of medical wisdom
J P FROG - Just Plain F***ing Ran Out Of Gas (old age etc)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)

Kidney Stone Squirm - a spot diagnosis in A&E
KFO - Knock the F*cker Out (patient either obnoxious or screaming in pain)
Knife-happy - an overly enthusiastic surgeon

Larry - Locum, as in "doing a Larry"
LDF - Lying Down Fit
Leeches - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
LGFTC - looks good from the corridor (but not closely examined)
Lignocephalic - wooden-headed (i.e. dense [thick] or stubborn)
Liver rounds - staff party, so called because of liver-damaging alcohol
LMC - Low marble count (low IQ)
LOBNH - Lights On But Nobody Home
LOFD - Looks Okay From Door
LOL - Little Old Lady
LOLFDGB - Little Old Lady, Fall Down, Go Boom
LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress
LOLITS - US: Little Old Lady In Tennis Shoes (60+ year old); UK: Little Old Lady In Twin-Set (50-60 yera old)
Loop-the-loop - flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
Loose Change - dangling limb in need of amputation.
LPT - Low pain threshold
LRO - Luck Ran Out (cheated death before, but not this time)
LWS - (US) Low Wallet Syndrome (No medical insurance or money)

M sign - Patient just goes "Mmmm"
Map of Antarctica - (NZ) appearance of fatal spontaneous brain haemorrhage on CT scan
MARPs - Mind Altering Recreational Pharmaceuticals
Marriageable Monster - young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery.
Matern-a-taxi - when a pregnant woman calls an ambulance because the contractions are every 2 minutes, but she doesn't have a single contraction during a 30 minute journey to hospital
MCBP - Member of the College of Bystander Physicians i.e. doctor having a look-see
Meat hooks - surgical instruments.
Metabolic clinic - the tea room
MFD, CFD - Measure For Box, Call For Dirt (severely ill [or dead or nearly so])
MFI - very large myocardial infarction
MGM syndrome - Faker putting on a real good show
Michelin's Disease/Disorder - multiple spare tyres (obese)
MICO - Masterly Inactivity and Catlike Observation
MICOS - Masterly inactivity, cat-like observation and steroids
Microdeckia - Micro = small, deck = deck of cards; patient playing with less that a full deck (low IQ)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
MILF - Mother I'd Like to F**k. US version of GLM who is also PHAT
Mobile Drip Stands - Fire Dept (often found at emergencies alongside paramedics)
Molar masher - dentist
Mononeuronis Asynapsis - thick (one neuron, not connected!)
MUH - Messed up heart
Mulambo - (Brazil) poor patients in public outpatient clinics (literally rag + beggar)
MU Pain - Made Up pain (especially for sick notes and insurance claims)
Mushroom syndrome - suffered by lowly medics who are kept in the dark and have crap piled on them

n=1 trial - polite term for experimenting on a patient
NAD - Not actually done
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
Negative Wallet Biopsy - (US) patient transferred to cheaper hospital because s/he has no insurance/funds
NETMA - Nobody Ever Tells Me Anything (generally a doctor's gripe on a patient's chart)
Neuro-faecal Syndrome - s**t for brains
NFF - Normal Fae Fife (Scottish version of NFN below)
NFN - Normal for Norfolk (rural area, suggests inbreeding or quaint rural oddness), might explain FLK
NGMI - Not Going to Make It
NKDA - Not known, didn’t ask
NLPR - No longer playing records (dying)
No Hopeamine - Dopamine
Not even in the ball game - confused, senile patient
NPS - New Parent Syndrome
NQR - Not Quite Right
NQRITH - Not Quite Right In the Head
NSA - Non-Standard Appearance (what a FLK grows into)

O sign - Patient unconscious with mouth open
OAP - Over-Anxious Patient
OB/GYN - actually means Obstetric/Gynaecology, rumoured to mean "Oh Boy-Got You Naked"
OBE - Open Both Ends (known in UK as DNV - Diarrhoea and Vomiting)
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse)
OBS - Obvious bullsh*t
Obs and gobs - obstetrics and gynaecology
OFIG - One Foot In the Grave
OFIGATOOS - One Foot In the Grave And The Other One Slipping
Ohno-second - The time from making an error (e.g. dropping that hard-to-get sample immediately after you got it) to going "oh-no"
Old Man's Friend - (US) pneumonia, an illness which often carried off the elderly
Oil slick - (1991, NZ) - appearance on CT scan of a porencephalic cyst
Oligoneuronal - "few brain cells" i.e. thick (not very bright) (Note: In the UK, "dumb" means "mute")
OMGWTFBBQ - a person mangled in a car crash
Ooh-Aahs - Those who gather to gawk at an emergency and go "Oooh, Aaah"
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history
Osteocephaly - boneheaded
Ostrich Treatment - pretend it's not there and hope it goes away
OTD&DDR - Out The Door and Down The Road.
OTDPDS - Out The Door Pretty Damn Soon

PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
Pale face - (Brazil) child with leukaemia/severe anaemia.
Paninvestigram - order all the tests; for when you haven't got a clue what's going on
Paperweight - (NZ) very small patient with severe congenital mental retardation
Papoterapia - (Brazil) to give the patient a pep talk, chitchat therapy ("papo" = chitchat).
Parentectomy - removing parents as an effective cure for a child's problems
Pathology outpatients - Follow-up for dead people
Paws Up - dead
PBAB - Pine Box At Bedside
PBS - Pretty bad shape
PBOO - Pine Box On Order
Percussive maintenance - the sharp tap/bang which cures faulty equipment
Pest control - term applied to psychiatrists by casualty officers
PEFYC - Pre Extricated For Your Convenience (RTA victim that has gone through windscreen)
PFH - Parent(s) from Hell (custodians of BFH - Brat From Hell)
PFO - Pissed [Drunk] and Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
Pharmaceutically Enhanced Personality - stoned or medicated
PHAT - Pretty Hot and Tempting (warning to others)
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PIA - Pain in the
PIAF - Pissed as a fart
PID - Pus In 'Dere (PID actually means Pelvic Inflammatory Disease)
PID shuffle - apot diagnosis in A&E (Pelvic Inflammatroy Disease)
Pillow Therapy - describes the urge to smother annoying patient (aggressive euthanasia, tontine treatment).
PIMBA - (Brazil) swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar ("Pé Inchado Mulambo Bêbado Atropelado")
Pinky Cheater - Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations.
Pink puffer - patient breathing rapidly due to lung disease
Pit - the emergency room
PITA - Pain in the
Pitiático - (Brazil) patients feigning illness.
Plank Positive - stupid, as in "thick as 2 short planks"
Plano Pafúncio - (Brazil) alleged preferential treatment of relatives of hospital employees.
Player - complaining, irritating patient
PLH - Pray Long and Hard
PLTDP - Practice Limited To Dead People
Plumboscillation - swinging the lead (malingering)
Plumbum oscillans - Latin for "swinging the lead" (malingering) i.e seeking a sick note to take time off work
Pneumo-cephalic - airhead
PNR - person needed ride i.e. minor ailment but called ambulance instead of taxi
Podo-Oral - Foot in Mouth (i.e. put one's foot in it - rarely used BY senior staff, sometimes used ABOUT them)
Policeman Lesion - lesion on an X-ray so obvious that a policeman would spot it
Poliesculhambado - (Brazil) multi-f*cked-up patient.
Polydipose Dysfunction - big, fat patient (polydipose being invented plural of adipose [fat])
Pop Drop - granny dumping (dumping elderly relative at Casualty dept)
Porcelain Level - fictitious blood test ordered to communicate to colleague that the patient is malingering (crock of sh*t)
PORG - Person Of Restricted/Retarded Growth (dwarf/midget)
Positive Blue Legs Sign - (US) resuscitation behind closed curtains (US ER medics wear blue scrubs)
Positive Hilton Sign - demanding patient expects Hilton Hotel luxury; indicates patient well enough to leave!
Post-Weekend Fatigue Syndrome - an ailment which presents at GP surgeries on Monday mornings
Pot Plant - person in a Persistant Vegetative State (often used in plural to mean coma ward)
Pox Docs - clap clinic (sexually transmitted disease clinic) doctors
PPP - poor protoplasm
PPPPP - poor protoplasm poorly put-together (really old and/or decrepit)
PPA - Practicing Professional Alcoholic
PRATFO - Patient Reassured And Told to F*** Off
Pre-Detention Stress Disorder - a person who feigns medical symptoms when police handcuff him
Pre-stiff - terminally comatose patient.
Psychoceramics - psycho-geriatrics
Pumpkin Positive - a penlight shone into the patient's mouth/ear would encounter a brain so small that the whole head would light up
Purple (code purple) - when paramedics are called out to a dead body
Purple Plus - called out to collect a dead body that's started to fester
PVC Challenge - To intubate someone.
PWT - Po' (poor) White Trash (with a condition related to their lifestyle)

Q sign - Patient unconscious/terminal with mouth open and tongue hanging out; "Dotted Q" means flies land on tongue (dead/dying)
Quackpractor - chiropractor
Qwertyitis - what a doctor suffers from when he spends more time on a computer than with actual patients
QID - Queen in distress (hissy fit)
Q-Tip - Elderly person (white haired old person) (Q-Tip is a cotton bud)

Rabbit - over-talkative (from slang "Rabbit & Pork - talk)
Raisin Farm - old person's home, geriatric ward etc (also Raisin Farmer - person who runs old persons' home)
Ralphie McYakkers - young drunks vomiting
Rapid Lead Infusion - obnoxious patient ought to be shot
RBG - Received by God (a person in receipt of a Celestial Transfer)
RBS - Really Bad Shape
Rear Admiral - proctologist
Rear Admiralty - proctology dept
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-ar5e syndrome
Red dot - physicians from India, relates to red dot on their forehead
Red pipe - artery (as opposed to "blue pipe" or vein)
Reeker - smelly patient
Removal men - dept of care of elderly people
Retrospectoscope - instrument of hindsight
Rheumaholiday - rheumatology (considered by hard-pressed juniors to be a less busy dept)
Road Chilli - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Road Map - injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
Road Pizza - Unrestrained driver/motorcyclist or passenger, ejected and splattered
Roasted Goober - tumour after intensive cobalt treatment.
Rocket Room - a ward/unit where there are many deaths (many transfers to heaven)
Rocking horse stool - even rarer than hen's teeth
Rooters - indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
Rose cottage - mortuary
Rothman's sign - tobacco staining of fingers
Rounding Up The Usual Suspects - Ordering a set of tests for a given set of symptoms
RPVU - Relative Porsche Value Unit: surgical index of potential income from the repair of patient injuries, usually orthopaedic in nature. Fractured finger = a windscreen wiper; a fractured hip = new tyres etc.
RT - Room Temperature (dead)
RTT with a BBB - Rat-a-Tat-Tat with a Baseball Bat (hit with blunt instrument).
Rudy Baga - Patient with terminal brain injury, persistent vegetative state (rutabaga is a vegetable).
Rule of Five - if more than five of the patient's orifices are obscured by tubing, he has no chance

Saddles - Maternity sanitary towels (napkins), so called for their size and the bow-legged effect of wearing them
Samsonite Positive (Positive Samsonite Test) - someone who turns up in emergency with all their luggage (and insists on being admitted to a ward)
SAS - Sick As Sh*t
SBI - Something Bad Inside e.g. undiagnosed cancer/unexpected serious condition found when performing surgery
SBLEO - (pronounced S-B-Leo) Suicide By Law Enforcement Officer
SBOD - Stupid /bastard on drugs
Scepticaemia - chronic condition suffered by two doctors in a debate over which therapy
Scratch and sniff - gynaecological examination
September club - the students who have to return after summer holidays for retakes
Serum porcelain - battery of blood tests on an elderly patient
Serum rhubarb - What they test for at tertiary centres
SFS - Stinky Foot Syndrome (often related to homeless)
SF Scale - Sphincter Factor Scale: 1 to 10 scale indicating degree of bowel-loosening in response to an emergency
SHA - Ship His (when patients refuse to be discharged).
SHAD - Syphilitic, Hypochondriac, Alcoholic Degenerate
Shadow gazer - radiologist
Shandy Tap - bloodless lumbar puncture
Sh*ts & Spits - lab tech term for a patient's stool and sputum samples; also the instruction to obtain these samples
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
Short-Order Chefs - mortuary workers.
Shotgunning - Ordering of a vast array of tests in the hopes that one or other of them will give an idea of what is wrong with a patient
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
Sick - Really sick i.e. FTD (Fixing To Die) or CTD (Circling The Drain)
Sidewalk Souffle - (US) suicide-by-jumping
Sieve - a doctor who admits almost every patient he sees
SIG - Stroppy Ignorant Girl
SIG - (certain US regions) self-inflicted gerbil (anecdotal)
Silver Bracelet Award - patient is a prisoner brought in wearing cuffs
Silver Goose, Silver Stallion - proctoscope.
Síndrome JEC - (Brazil) terminal patient ("Jesus Está Chamando" = "Jesus is calling").
SIO - Sleeping It Off
Slashers - general surgeons
Slough - a patient inappropriately or unfairly unloaded from one hosptial unit on another
Smellybridge - area between the anus and the back of the scrotum (perineum)
Smiling Mighty Jesus - (US) spinal meningitis (also Screamin' Mighty Jesus)
Smurf Sign - patient blue or going blue
SNUD - Sick Nigh Unto Death
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It (when one medic's botched jobs must be put right/answered for by someone else)
Sofa Surfer - homeless person who sleeps on friends' sofas and floors (ends up at A&E for "3 hots and a cot" when s/he has nowhere else to stay)
Soft Admission - an admission that only a "Sieve" would accept
Solomf yoyo - So long, mother-f*****, you're on your own (see "amyoyo syndrome")
Speed bumps - haemorrhoids
Spots and dots - traditional set of childhood diseases - measles, mumps, and chicken pox
Squash - brain.
SRI - Something Wrong Inside (undiagnosable problem)
SSDD - Same Sh*t Different Day (in conjunction with Frequent Flyer)
Stage Mother - person accompanying patient and encouraging patient to exaggerate the complaint (often to obtain a particular diagnosis or to get an unnecessary prescription)
Stamp - skin graft
Status Hispanicus - (US) much like Acute Puerto Rican Syndrome.
St Elsewhere - medical academia's term for any non-teaching hospital
Stupidity Panel - lab test (for patient stupidity) that, when invented, will earns its inventor a fortune (i.e. thick patient)
Sturgeon - surgeon
Summer Teeth - some are teeth and some aren't ...
Supratentorial - above the falx tentorium/cerebellum i.e. psychosomatic e.g. supratentorial pain
SVRI - Something Very Wrong Inside (usually terminal)
SWAG - Scientific Wild Guess
SWI - Something Wrong Inside
SWW - Sick, wet and whiny (infant)
SYB - Save Your Breath (for patients who don't take advice)

Tash Test - observation suggestive of HIV status (presence of a Freddie Mercury-esque moustache)
TATT - Talks All The Time (also "Tired All The Time")
T&T Sign - Tattoo-to-Teeth Sign: survival indicator; those who are tattooed and toothless will survive major injuries
Taint Spot - Perineum: "It ain't this and it ain't that"
Taxidermy Consult - call for a taxidermist's consultation i.e. person about to die
Tax-Sucker - Someone who does not need an ambulance, but calls anyway because it's free
TBP - Total body pain
TBC - Total Body Crunch: multiple injuries
TDS - Terminal deceleration syndrome (e.g. RTA death, high-rise syndrome, jump-suicides and parachute-failed-to-open)
TEC - Transfer to Eternal Care i.e. dead
TEETH - Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy
TF BUNDY - Totally f*cked, but unfortunately not dead yet
TFO - Too F*cking Old (person dying of old age).
THC - Three hots and a cot; sought in A&E by the local homeless
Therapeutic Monitoring - monitoring a patient purely because it makes the doctor feel better.
Thorazine shuffle - the slow, lumbering gait of psychiatric patients dosed up on phenothiazines
Three-toed sloth - patient with diminished capacities, usually from long-term alcoholism
Throckmorton’s Sign - in the unconscious male, the penis points to the injury
TLC - Tube, Lavage & Charcoal (given to poisoning victim)
TMB - Too Many Birthdays: person dying of "old age"
TMI - Three Meaningless Initials (e.g. John Smith, TMI - applied to medics with qualifications rather than ability)
Toaster - defibrillator
TOBP - Tired of Being Pregnant (especially patient demanding caesarian)
Tontine Treatment - Urge to put pillow over face of irritating patient (alludes to a type of will called a "tontine")
Tooth to Tattoo Ratio - Visual determination of basic intelligence. A positive ratio (more teeth then tattoos) is generally better than a negative ratio is bad.
Torture Room - Intensive Care Unit (due to invasive tubes and monitors and experimental treatments).
Tough stick - patient whose veins are hard to find when drawing blood
Train Wreck - a person with more hospital visits/diagnoses then they have years of life
Trambiclínica - (Brazil) a clinic staffed by medical students in order to maximise profits ("fraudulent clinic").
Trans-occipital implants - bullet wound to the head
Trauma Gods - Mythological deities whom A&E personnel believe to be the cause of major emergencies
Treat ’n’ street - A&E's term for quick patient turnaround
Trick cyclists - psychiatrists
Trigger Happy - a medic that gives a shot [injection] for everything or patient that used call button excessively.
TRO - Time ran out
Trubufu - (Brazil) African-Brazilian obstetric patient (literally "fat, ugly black woman").
TSL - To Stupid to Live
TSS - Toxic Sock Syndrome (often related to homeless)
TTFO - Told To F*ck Off
TTR - (UK) Tea Time Review (a ripping yarn?)
TTOAST - Take Them Out and Shoot Them
TTR - (US) Tattoo-to-Tooth Ratio (Dirtbag Ratio)
TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination (might happen to a GLM)
Turf - get rid of patient by referring to another team (see also buffing, sloughing and bouncing)
Turn and Baste - incontinence care (roll and clean up patient after a code brown)
TWA - third world assassins. Slang for the allegedly poor medical care delivered by physicians who went to medical school in foreign countries
Twitch - hypochondriac
Two Stops Short of West Ham - (Psychiatry) Barking mad. Barking is slang for "mad" and also the name of a station; it is 4 stops from West Ham, but the psych slang follows the formula "2 sandwiches short of a picnic", "Tuppence short of a shilling" (simple-minded/nuts) - the deficit is alway 2 items. Severe madness is "Dagenham" i.e. "3 stops beyond Barking".
TWSAM - Trash Will Survive And Multiply

UBI - Unexplained Beer Injury
UFO - Unidentified Frozen Object: unidentified dead homeless person in the winter
Unclear medicine - nuclear medicine
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
Urban Outdoorsman - Homeless person

VAC - Vultures are Circling (dying)
Vampires - those who take blood samples, e.g. lab techs (also slang for blood donor service)
Vedgy - a patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement
Vegetable garden - Coma ward
Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere
Very Close Veins - varicose veins
Viaggravation - what a doctor gets from a patient who is demanding erectile dysfunction medication on the NHS (not all areas of the UK provide this on NHS)
VBT - Very Bad Thing
VOMIT - Victim Of Modern Imaging Technology (i.e. try treating the patient, not the report from radiology; particularly referring to invasive procedures for false positives.
VIP - Very intoxicated person
Vitamin V - Diazepam
Vitamin H - Haldol
Vitamin P - Lasix (diuretic) given to stimulate urination (peeing) in post-operative patients
VTMK - Voice To Melt Knickers (the voice deliberately cultivated by some doctors)

WADAO - Weak And Dizzy All Over
WAFTAM - ("woff-tam"): Waste Of F***Ing Time And Money
Wall - a doctor who resists admitting patients at all costs
Wallet Biopsy - (US) free medical test performed by hospital insurance department before patient is treated (UK) similar test in private health sector
ward X - the morgue
Weed Puller - Obstetrician
White Mice - tampons
Wig picker - therapist or psychologist
witch doctor - specialist in internal medicine
WoGS - Wrath of God Syndrome (visited upon junior medics by more senior staff)
Woolly jumper - any non-acute physician
WNL - (Ambulance/casualty) Within Normal Limits, but more often interpreted as We Never Looked
WNL - Will Not Listen; patient won't take medical advice
Woolworth's Test - (UK anaesthesia) if you can imagine patient shopping in Woolies, it's safe to give a general anaesthetic
WWI - Walking while intoxicated (and fell over)
Wrinkly - geriatric

YAVIS - Young, attractive, verbal, intelligent, successful.
YMRASU - Your Medical Records Are Screwed Up
YOYO - You're on your own; see "amyoyo" and "solomf yoyo" (also message passed from one doctor to another regarding problem/mystifying cases)

Zebra - an unusually strange or unexpected disease (from the saying "When you hear hoofbeats, the smart money is on horses, not zebras")
Zorro belly - (Brazil) patient who has had multiple abdominal surgeries.

Note: Any dept ending in "-ology" is likely to be nicknamed "-holiday" by those working in busier depts.

THE INFORMAL FAECAL HARDNESS SCALE

As used in microbiology depts runs from "Hard as Bullets" (self-explanatory) to "Could go through the Eye of a Needle" (watery, no solids) with appropriate analogies inbetween.

VETERINARY ACRONYMS

Agroceryosis - lack of groceries i.e. owner hasn't been feeding the animal
BDLDLDL big dog, little dog, little dog lost (usually Chihuahuas that try to fight a German Shepherd)
BSBF buy small bags of food (almost dead)
CFT - chronic food toxicity i.e. obese
CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner
DIC - dead in cage or death is coming (technically, it means Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation, which is just as lethal)
DSTO - Dog Smarter Than Owner
HBC - hit by car
PU - paws up (dead)
SBI - something bad inside (undiagnosed cancer etc discovered during surgery)