The Weiner Line

Sending pictures of your junk to people is one line not to cross. Just as a starting point.

I think it is like being at a cocktail party with your spouse (for those who are married - singles have different rules). If you wouldn't say it in that setting where you are clearly with your partner and likely to be overheard, don't say it in other settings. Those, if you have a very relaxed and joking kind of relationship, you can say and do more than you can if your relationship is more rigidly defined in terms of boundaries. 

Or to look at it another way - if your spouse/partner found the tweets/chats/IM's, would they be upset with you and why? If you met up with the people IRL, would you bring your spouse/partner along? (Or at least would you invite them along - mrs gearboy would be unlikely to join me if I said I was meeting with my "internet friends" - but she would tell me to have a good time while she curled up on the couch with her Kindle undisturbed by my shenanigans.)

The other thing is the direct message issue.

It is one thing to post a pic in the Boys, Girls, Clydes, or Athenas threads (maybe even a link in the nude run thread, but no one can prove that there are any BT'ers in it.).

Every one can see, but even if there are some comments or flirtatious remarks, nothing is on the down-low.

It is another thing to send a sexy pic directly to an individual.

Why discriminating to only that?  There is a diverse group here.

No discrimination.  I was just unsure how best to word things.  I was pretty sure each would clarify from his or her own perspective. 

Thomas - the Weiner line? That phrase has staying power with a high yuck factor. Curse you!

It's our motivations that often drive our behaviors; our interaction is meant to generate a desired outcome. If the motivation is clean, the interaction will be clean. If the motivation is less clean ...

Of course, some people operate overtly, others operate covertly (passive maneuvering), so judging interactions is not a black/white matter. Understanding our own motivations and being keen to understand the motivations of others help guide us in our interactions. And, of course, our public interactions continually send signals, nuanced or blatant, about what we are receptive to receiving.

Renee!

I just feel the game has changed with electronic media.  On forums, the interactions are so much easier to have.  There is so little accountability for actions outside of the more permanent brick and mortar community.  You send almost anything to almost anyone with almost no effort and almost no consequences.  In the past, it was not even legal to develop photographic film with the kinds of images that Rep. Weiner is purported to have sent.  We did not need rules to cover this kind of behavior.  It simply wasn't possible.  But now, with the social tennis nets completely off the courts, we need to think what is good for us as individuals and as a community.

I am preaching and judging by the silence it is a wet blanket to the fun. Have fun.

TW

Renee!

I just feel the game has changed with electronic media.  On forums, the interactions are so much easier to have.  There is so little accountability for actions outside of the more permanent brick and mortar community.  You send almost anything to almost anyone with almost no effort and almost no consequences.  In the past, it was not even legal to develop photographic film with the kinds of images that Rep. Weiner is purported to have sent.  We did not need rules to cover this kind of behavior.  It simply wasn't possible.  But now, with the social tennis nets completely off the courts, we need to think what is good for us as individuals and as a community.

I am preaching and judging by the silence it is a wet blanket to the fun. Have fun.

TW

We are accountable to ourselves, even if we manage to hide our actions and dodge consequences from our loved ones. You can't hide from the truth of who you are.

There have been times in my life when I didn't sleep well at night, I admit. I am accountable to the person in the mirror. My life is so much more balanced, grounded and easy when I can look in that mirror. Ultimately, I aspire to liking myself for the way I conduct my affairs and treat myself and others.

I'm sleeping very well these days, btw. I don't think I've ever been happier with myself.

I have a pretty easy set of criteria for which to gauge my own behavior online (or in person, for that matter) with respect to how it fits into my relationships.

I ask myself a single question: "Would I tell my SO about this?"

If my answer to that is anything other than an unqualified "Yes," then there's a good chance I'm crossing some kind of line. *shrug* That's just me.

I have a similar criteria, Would I feel embarrased to have to explain my actions (or inactions) to my wife or my mother.

After that question there is no debate.

I read an interesting article the other day, that essentially said this: if you have to ask yourself if it's cheating, it's probably cheating. Replace "inappropriate" with "cheating" as necessary.

And I assure you, I am many galaxies away from being a prude.

Congratulations.

Shawn,

Your opinion matters a lot.  I am not too interested in Rep Weiner's problems.  I hope he chooses to disappears from the public scene and soon.  If not the voters will show him the door.  His public service career is over.  His personal tragedy is an example of why we need to discuss what is right and wrong to help the rest of us from doing something as dumb.

As for the weiner thing, I can feel sorry for the teasing he has endured on account of a most unfortnate name.

TW

It's a good question.  The "test" posted above makes sense - basically, would I show this to my spouse/partner?  And: if I am a public figure, is this something I'd like to see in the paper?   Weiner is married AND a public figure, clearly over the line on both counts.

That doesn't answer the question for single people not in the limelight, I realize.  We answer that one for ourselves I guess.

SquirrelGravy, it sounds like we're kind of on the same wavelength personally.

I have a married male friend at church that I used to email with quite a bit.  We used an account that was freely accessible by his wife.  She checked in, emailed me too from time to time, whatever.  It's just in that case I was friends with both, but closer with the husband -- he had more to say on things I needed advice about (men.  camping.  technology.)  My personal rule of thumb is with married men is: don't say anything to a married man I would not say to his wife.  The one exception has been a particular online friend who has asked me for personal advice a couple of times back in the day, but I was clear on his motives and it NEVER went to emotional intimacy or anything CLOSE to flirting.  None of the, "oh you poor baby I understand you more than your wife does" garbage.  And in general I avoid it.

Last summer there was one married guy I met through cycling who texted me a few times and called me once after a long bike tour we were on.  I wasn't 100% sure on his motives but it was making me uncomfortable.  After getting some good advice from a friend,  I texted back, "sorry haven't responded, been busy, also - you may not mean anything by it, but in general I try not to be friends with a married guy unless I'm also friends with his wife.  Hope you understand."  And I never heard a WORD from him since, so my instincts were right.  Creep.

I don't have a FB account. I had one up until the point I was married. My friends were able to handle the fact that I got married and they respected that. However my wife opened a FB account and we soon found that her friends did not respect her marriage whatsoever. So we both deleted, her to get rid of the problem and me out of a sense of fairness and to make the point that she is more important than any friend.

The only social thing I do online is BT. I tell her almost daily about what I read on BT or a discussion I became involved in. She realizes that it is better for me to talk to you all about tri than to bug the heck out of her about it.

My rules are:

1. Would I type this with her standing over my shoulder reading it. Or would I type it if I knew she was going to look it up later.

2. Am I conducting myself in a manner that would make me comfortable if the tables were turned. My wife doesn't know the situation on BT, so even if a conversation was completely harmless and had no ill intention, as an outsider it might cause questions for her. For instance I don't participate in the BT girls or guys threads. I think those threads are harmless, but she doesn't know the situation and I might not be comfortable with her joining a sight I am not familiar with and posting in a similar thread.

Also I don't keep female friends anymore. The majority of my friends in college were female, I grew up with three sisters and no brothers so I got along fine with females when my male counterparts didn't. As soon as I was married I pretty well cut off communication with my female friends, as did they knowing that I was now married. My wife has done the same. We hang out with her girl friends and we hang out with my guy friends.

I have often wondered what the rule is with training buddies. I personally train alone and don't know anyone who is interested in training. But if I were to join a group of some sort I think I would make it a point to train with men just so my wife would have nothing to worry about.