Friday Funnies!

As the lone male in a house full of females (wife, two daughters, and a female dog) I did get a chuckle out of this one. YOu wouldn't beleive what I hear at the dinner table!

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have relations with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky b*stards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're a huge a$$hole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place

That annoys me, anything over a year, just give me a number "a year and a half" will work!! Why do people do this? I don't have kids so I don't know...enlighten me?

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.. .you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK!!

LOL. I've seen people with chinese words tatooed up-side-down, and a guy with a word tatooed on his neck - that word means "pervert". 

A LOVE STORY

I shall seek you and find you.  I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.  I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.  I will make you beg for mercy ... beg for me to stop!  I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved hen I'm finished with you ...

All my love ... THE FLU

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For those of you who have tattoos on their lower backs or on their butt, we don't want to see them, we don't want to see your underwear and we certainly do not want to see your butt crack!  It does not matter what it says, whether it be in Chinese characters or in the Cyrilic alphabet ... it plainly reads "JERK" to anyone with any amount of sense.  So do up your pants over your underwear and tuck your shirt in!

Edited by Machiavelo 2005-11-11 9:27 AM

http://www.comics.com/comics/brevity/

Unless its an M-dot...

This is going to drive you crazy! While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction

For those of you left handed, works witht he left foot too

I love them. I love the tattoo, I love the underwear, and I most definitely love the crack of their asses. Gawd I love women.