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Four Religious Truths
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 2005-08-23 7:46 AM |
Expert  679    Nags Head, |  Subject: Four Religious Truths1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian World. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store. |
| 2005-08-23 7:48 AM in reply to: #231558 |
COURT JESTER 12230  ROCKFORD, IL | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Catholic Rituals and Code Words This information is for Catholics. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are. AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough) PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew |
| 2005-08-23 7:53 AM in reply to: #231558 |
Queen BTich 12411 , | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Those are hilarious! Love the Catholic definitions. |
| 2005-08-23 8:00 AM in reply to: #231558 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Do you know the difference between a Catholic wedding and a Catholic funeral? One less drunk!  Yes I am Catholic...with six kids what else would I be.  |
| 2005-08-23 8:07 AM in reply to: #231558 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths BUYING A BRA A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.". "What type of bra?", asked the clerk. "Type?", inquired the man "There is more than one type?". "Look Around.", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras.", replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked, "Only three? What are they?". The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?". Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?". The lady responded "It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.". |
| 2005-08-23 8:09 AM in reply to: #231558 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'" The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee and replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 4", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God!'" |
| 2005-08-23 8:13 AM in reply to: #231558 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Last One for my Irish Brothers and Sisters... THE IRISH BROTHEL A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a whore house. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!". They both shook their heads and continued working. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!". Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap, "One of the poor girls musta died." |
| 2005-08-23 8:15 AM in reply to: #231565 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths The truth is, if you research religion, that religions are more alike than different. Hard to swallow for some but the more I got into my degree the more obvious it was. Sorry for the serious post among the funny jokes but some people need to lighten up about religion. No war was ever really fought over religion. Oh sure they SAY they are over religion but in the end it is really over control. Land, personal control, governmental control etc. Boring lecture off now. Edited by nliedel 2005-08-23 8:16 AM |
| 2005-08-23 8:29 AM in reply to: #231581 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths nliedel - 2005-08-23 9:15 AM The truth is, if you research religion, that religions are more alike than different. You are right...If we think of religion as a tree...Meaning the trunk and branches are the two main religions, Catholic and Greek Orthodox, all the other religions are just the nuts that fell from the tree. |
| 2005-08-23 9:49 AM in reply to: #231602 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Tri-Pirate - 2005-08-23 9:29 AM nliedel - 2005-08-23 9:15 AM The truth is, if you research religion, that religions are more alike than different. You are right...If we think of religion as a tree...Meaning the trunk and branches are the two main religions, Catholic and Greek Orthodox, all the other religions are just the nuts that fell from the tree. "Don't touch it Nancy, just walk away Nancy. Shut up Nancy. Never discuss religion Nancy. Don't even joke about it. Stick your fingers in your ears 'lalallalalalal' that's better." |
| 2005-08-23 1:20 PM in reply to: #231558 |
Expert 916 San mateo California | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Religion/Race/Sexual Orientation among others are things needto be respected. I, particularly do not care and do not believe in organized religion, but making fun of something that many consider sacred is just Plan WROnG.... Come on guys grow up try to be just a little more considerate and sensitive... don't make me hate this site because someone else will feel onffended and a stupid war will start in here... Edited by velasqu7 2005-08-23 1:24 PM |
| 2005-08-23 1:26 PM in reply to: #231558 |
Queen BTich 12411 , | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Ok, they are jokes. I believe one has the right to make fun of something they are associated with. I am Catholic also and do not think its wrong to have a chuckle making fun of myself. And I believe Pirate did say soemthing above about this being lighthearted and he is Catholic himself which is why he posted it. |
| 2005-08-23 2:16 PM in reply to: #231558 |
Master 1249 Lexington, Kentucky | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths A believer of religion X dies and goes to his eternal reward. St. Peter puts his fingers to his lips and ushers him through the pearly gates without a word. He is surprised to find that everyone in heaven is whispering. He asks why, and is told "The faithful of religion Y are next door, and they like to think that they are the only ones here." |
| 2005-08-23 2:20 PM in reply to: #231558 |
Queen BTich 12411 , | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths HA HAHAHHHAHHHH!!! |
| 2005-08-23 2:30 PM in reply to: #231995 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths While religion can be a touchy subject a joke, made by someone of that faith, without belittling a faith system, is usually not offensive. Most people in that faith have heard the joke before anyway. I am (I cannot believe I am going to post this here) Unitarian Universalist with other leanings on the side (Do not ask me to explain, it's a long and sordid tale of woe) and I still listen to A Prairie Home Companion every week. I strongly suspect Garrison Keeler had an ex that was UU or something. The man just loves to poke fun at us. He also acosts the Lutherans. |
| 2005-08-23 2:55 PM in reply to: #231558 |
Master 2052 Colorado | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Ok, I can't believe I'm even touching this with a ten foot pole, but since my cousin's sunday school teaching nun told me this joke, I figure it's fair game. Disclaimer: I know nothing of golf, so if I screw up technical details... that would be expected. >> Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. On one shot, Jesus hits the ball directly into the water trap. After giving Moses a look, Moses sighs, parts the water, walks in, gets the ball, and gives it back to Jesus. Again, Jesus hits the ball right into the water trap; again, Moses sighs and gets it back for him. A third time, Jesus hits the ball into the water trap, only this time, the people behind them start bitching and complaining. Edited by ChipmunkHeart 2005-08-23 2:58 PM |
| 2005-08-23 3:05 PM in reply to: #231919 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths TriComet - 2005-08-23 2:26 PM Ok, they are jokes. I believe one has the right to make fun of something they are associated with. I am Catholic also and do not think its wrong to have a chuckle making fun of myself. And I believe Pirate did say soemthing above about this being lighthearted and he is Catholic himself which is why he posted it. Thanks Comet, I thought I was the only one who realized it was all in good fun. Heck even Nancy knew it was a joke page and left it at that. Holy Smoke ooops I shouldn't have said that...I meant White Smoke (inside joke on selecting the new Pope) Can't we all just be friends?? |
| 2005-08-23 3:07 PM in reply to: #231689 |
Expert 679 Nags Head, | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths nliedel - 2005-08-23 10:49 AM Tri-Pirate - 2005-08-23 9:29 AM nliedel - 2005-08-23 9:15 AM "Don't touch it Nancy, just walk away Nancy. Shut up Nancy. Never discuss religion Nancy. Don't even joke about it. Stick your fingers in your ears 'lalallalalalal' that's better." Nancy that's what I had to say during the thread that never existed and then had another thread named after it. The don't touch it part.Edited by Tri-Pirate 2005-08-23 3:08 PM |
| 2005-08-23 3:13 PM in reply to: #232048 |
Master 2052 Colorado | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths Holy Smoke ooops I shouldn't have said that...I meant White Smoke (inside joke on selecting the new Pope) Snort. hehehe. |
| 2005-08-23 3:56 PM in reply to: #232059 |
Master 1889 Ann Arbor, MI | Subject: RE: Four Religious Truths I know one joke only and I have to be in person to tell it cause the facial expressions make it funny, or so I have been told. I wish I knew more but I don't. |
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