Monday Morning Funnies

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
>her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
>hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
>together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
>around in agony.
>The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
>apologize.
>"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
>could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
>"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
>replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
>clasping his hands together at his groin.
>At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
>gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
>pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful
>massage for several long moments asked, "How does that feel?"
>He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for
Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

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Making Love: