friday funnies

Can I play too??

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Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey
thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll
been drinkin'?"

"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels... "Me and Bubba's on
the patch

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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his face, "without You we are but dust . . ."
He would have continued, but at that moment a little girl, who had been listening carefully, leaned over to her mother and asked audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"


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Why We Love Children


1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."





2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"





3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"







4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."





5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."




6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"




7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

You have to say this one out loud or the play on words might not make sense.

So these two strings walk into a bar. They sit down and ask the bartender for a drink to which he replies that they must leave because strings aren't allowed in the bar. So they're out in the street debating their next move when one says that they should go to another bar. "No, I've got an idea," replies the other. "Tie yourself to me and frazzle your end," it said. So they do this and go back in the bar and sat down. "Hey, aren't you those two strings I just kicked out a few minutes ago?" says the bartender. "Nope," replies the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

Okay the FRAYED KNOT is my Grandma's joke. Hmmmmmmmmmm

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Marines Answer to Gun Control

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and
US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're
not one....... are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Are you knocking my grandma's sense of humor? Or are you saying that she's one funny lady?

Just kidding...I enjoyed the gun control joke.

Oh my... thanks for the funnies. I like the gun control one, but they all had me giggling... "Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" hehe... Kids are...well amusing...otherwise they wouldn't ever become adults.

Diana