friday funnies - 27.05.2005

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen darling, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you, too!"


=============================================================
The Way Children See Things!
(some oldies, some new)

NUDITY
When I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening, a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"



=========================================================

A little boy was overheard praying:
>
> "Lord, if you
> can't make me a better
> boy, don't worry about it.
> I'm having a real good
> time like I am."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
> Commandments. They were ready to
> discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
> could tell her what it
> was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
>
> "Thou shall not take
> the covers off the neighbour's wife."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> After the christening of his baby brother in church,
> Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His
>father
> asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,
>
> "That preacher said he wanted us
> brought up in a Christian home, and
> I wanted to stay with you guys."
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
> Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
> for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat
> after me the lines from
> the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
> I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
> each word right up to the end of the prayer:
> "Lead us not into temptation,"
> she prayed,
>
> "but deliver
> us some E-mail.
> Amen."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> and one particular four-year-old prayed,
>
> "And
> forgive us our trash baskets
> as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they
> were on the way to
> church service, "And why is it necessary to be
> quiet in church?"
> One bright little girl replied,
>
> "Because people are
> sleeping."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
> were sitting together in church.
> Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
> Finally, his big sister had enough.
> You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
> "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
> Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
>
> "See those two men
> standing by the door?
> They're hushers."
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
> 5, Ryan 3. The boys
> began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the
> opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were
> sitting here, He would say,
> 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
> Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
>
> "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A father was at the beach with his children when the
> four- year-old son ran
> up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
> where a seagull lay
> dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the
> son asked.
> "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said,
>
> "Did God
> throw him back down?"
>