Dating girl with male "best friend"... would like thoughts..

I think your intuition is right. This might give you some insight about what's going on in her head: My girlfriend and I had a "broken up" period a couple of times where we dated other people. When I was dating, I would tell them that she was my "best friend". Truth was, I was still in love with her, we just couldn't figure out a way or weren't in the place that a relationship between us was going to work. Now that we've had some serious conversations and both changed somewhat, our relationship is working. As soon as my girlfriend was ready to re-commit, so was I, and I stopped seeing the girl I was dating.

Good luck!

Mike

Baggage is okay, as long as it's neatly packed. This girl may have some house cleaning to do. Always go with your gut instincts. At least you put yourself out there! Even though it stinks to mesh with someone only to realize you're coming from two different places. Best of luck, chin up, enjoy the foliage (hope it's not still raining ... I'm originally from Chelmsford so I still follow up North to keep up with my friends) and from your posts, you're a strong willed kinda guy who will certainly bounce into a better situation.

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Jeremy, ruuunnnnn.

Jeremy...
I was engaged to guy who had a child...the "ex" will always be a part of their lives b/c of the child. If you are ok with that, then I say 'go for it' but ...if you are having any second thoughts...and sounds like you are...then do what you have to do!

Good luck!

Cut here loose.

As a girl one of my closest friends in the whole wide world is someone i used to date...(about 6 or 6 years ago)

BUT I have no romantic interest in him at all. We have got to the point now where he is like my big brother and thats fine with me.

I have had bfs in the past who have been a bit uncomfortable about me being so close with the guy but I have also made the effort to make sure the guy I am seeing always takes first place as my mate is just that, a mate. Have you met this guy? If she is worried about you meeting him then I would be a bit worried. I mean if you meet the guy with her around you would straight away know if there was some romantic interest/chemistry there I think...

I would say talk to her, and tell her how you feel. If you havent met the guy, meet him and maybe then he will seem like less of a threat...and if she is confused? Well you need to decide if you are prepared to wait around until she gets her head sorted out - but I wouldnt....

Good Luck
Cat

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This isn't quite right; this guy isn't the father of her child.. That was some other guy that has no interest in the boy..



I talked to her tonight and I told her that this situation was making me uncomfortable.. She said she understood why I would feel that way, but that really doesn't help.

In so far as me meeting him, I don't know if that would happen. My impression from her is that he is very inconsiderate.. This is what I know of the guy; before they dated she had very good self esteem; and per her words, he belittled her, told her she didn't have a good body, etc.. He said he could never take their relationship to the next level because of thier religious differences. I don't exactly why they broke up, but I do know that when she got pregnant he told her that he would marry her if she aborted the baby; which put her into therapy. So after she decided to keep the baby she had to hide that she was pregnant around this asshat. It wasn't until the baby was actually born that he came around at all. Now he actually helps with the child, and he babysits occationally.

When she told him she was dating me, he said "well he isn't going to get between me and matthew" (her child). And given that she "hid" the pregnancy from him, I have a feeling she will "hide" our relationship as well. So..

crap.. Writing this out just shows how ridiculous it is..

sigh..

Ok, nevermind. I hadn't seen your last post. If you told her you were uncomfortable and she can't or wont help, and she needs that type of berson, you should leave. Sounds like a fixerupper to me....

I think kagphin is right in regards to whether or not she has asked you two to meet.
I know that when I am dating someone I really like, I can't wait for my friends to meet him and I love talking about my dating life with my best friend. If she is trying to keep the two of you separate then it's not healthy. I agree with the above post that talked about what a confident guy you appear to be in your posts. You have a lot going for you and in my opinion, you deserve better in a dating relationship.

I get hung up on honesty in a relationship and that seems to be lacking in this one.

A friend of mine once said, "we all have baggage---I just look for someone with small suitcases." Good advice.

Good luck, Jeremy

OK I hate to say it but if she is going to hide the relationship from him and stuff it sounds like ther are some issues there....

If she wants to date you she wouldnt be going to do it in secret? just my opinion....and if this guy was a friend he would be happy for her. Sounds like he is bad news and she needs to sort it out. I dont think you need to get caught up in it.....

I actually agree with Steve.

Dude, this whole situation has trouble written all over it. And as someone who hates unnecessary drama both in romantic relationships and friendships, best advice I can give is to run far, far away.

Kitty monster wins. We know you can run so ... run. She's not doing right by you. Not fair.

Run Forrest RUUUNNN
This girl sounds like all kinds of problems and if you are finding this stuff out early there will be more stuff on down the line.

I am not too sure I'd want to date someone who referred to my past relationships as such. But that's just me.

I totally agree.. I have no idea how things between he and she are right now, and I am just making assumptions about her hiding the relationship from him. I know for a fact that she has told him, and all her other friends, and parents.. I met her brother and some friends yesterday, and we are going out on Thursday with more of her friends.. Maybe if I just met the guy it would help in the short term, but in the medium/long term he has to go. I *really* think that there is something unsettled between them, and that she could never be in a real relationship with him around. So.. That means, they stop being friends and she gets into a relationship, or she gets into a relationship and their friendship falls apart, or they go on forever in this messed up state. Who knows.

You are probably right, I should just get out..



This isn't far from the mark actually.. If I really like her I should atleast try to sort it out, rather than just leave. I really think that this guy has some kind of power thing over her, and she feels she needs to submit to him. But your comment about my insecurities is true; it really makes me uncomfortable to be in this unknown state.. I'd rather just end it and at least know where I stand.. I just feel like I am in an unworkable position with this asshat holding onto her, and I feel it is unrealistic and unfair to say "him or me", but in reality, that is what it is... Their relationship isn't healthy, and he is an asshat.

So, I talked to her, and she acknowledged the problem, but beyond bringing the issue to light; what can actually be done?



Ok.. Well, I have dated a lot of women, and as someone said here, it isn't a matter of finding someone with no baggage, it is finding one with a small suitcase. Minus the crazy ex-bf, I like this one a lot...

-Jeremy

Ditto! Trust your gut. Mine has never failed me.

If she acknowledged it, but did not try to offer a solution or to help you come to terms with it, that is an indication of helplessness I would be very leary of....

This sounds like the run-up for a great Jerry Springer espisode.

I have been married for over 5 years now and with my wife for 7 so I have no practical advice to offer...however I really like the term "asshat" and will use it judiciously from now on!