Becoming Sober (Page 14)

I went over to my moms, helped her plant her garden.  Grilled her dinner, now I just got home.  Time for some laundry and relaxing.

HA!  Same day as me.  Perfect!

Glad you all had a great day!  Another day in the books, it was a great mother's day for me, and was happy to be able to come here and see everyone is doing great!!  

Well I've failed miserably. I'm going to tell you what happened to me at the weekend. I've been struggling day to day since I got back from Scotland.  So Thursday I went out and got rat arsed.  Sat in a bar with a bunch of people I don't even know from Adam. They had to pour me into a taxi at the end of the night.  My bar tab says I had 4 beers and 2 vodkas.   Friday morning I had an appointment for a facial. Good grief I felt like !!!!  After that I had to walk downtown to get my car, only when I got to where I parked it, it wasn't there.  I am so done with myself at this point that I'm beyond caring. I simply walk over to the police station and ask if it's been towed etc etc. Only it hasn't. They have no record of it. I walk back up the hill to my house and call the cops and report it stolen.  I'm still beyond caring, even though I had my IPAD, my bike and a load of food from Costco in it. I'm simply shrugging my shoulders.  My husband, obviously sees I'm struggling in dealing with life in general, just day to day things as well as the obvious fact I've just lost my Dad 3 weeks prior. He gets in his car and drives around downtown for about 45 minutes before he finds my van parked in the bar parking lot.  I lost it. I broke down and cried for about 25 minutes solid. Apologizing over and over and over for my stupidity and my lack of being able to deal with life.  I'm extremely upset over losing my Dad yet I've never really showed it, sure I cried at his funeral but I've never really done/said anything about it since I got back to the States.  I'm not laughing at this whatsoever, I'm utterly embarrassed by what I've done.  I got my van back, meh, so what. I'd really like my life and sparkling personality back more than anything. Alcohol isn't going to resolve any of that though is it.

I just wanted needed to share this. I don't mind if you laugh though....I don't want any sympathy either. I just really enjoy coming and reading this thread. It gives me a good, positive outlook..even if it's only for today.

I'm not laughing.  I know this thing.  I think you should find an A.A. meeting asap, and share exactly what you just shared here...   

Lynne luv ... part of your sparkling personality is your passion and honesty, and I read that in every word you wrote.

If you can get help (insurance, afford, etc.), get it. You've been through so much in the last few years and it's a very painful time for you. I'd suggest you do this regardless.

No, drinking doesn't help. It generally doesn't even help non-alcoholic folks in these situations--it only delays and complicates the normal process of grief.

A.A. is free. And there are indeed many folks there who can relate, and who you'd be able to relate to.

This is an awful story but maybe you'll see the tiniest bit of humor in it ...

Back when she was drinking, my A.A. sponsor also drove a schoolbus (great, huh?). Very tragically, her only child was murdered, which escalated her drinking terribly.

She wound up "losing" her schoolbus the same way you lost your van ... only she parked it at the casino that she went to, got home otherwise, and then could not figure out how she was going to pick the schoolkids up the next day ...

I would never laugh, I have been in much darker situations in my experience.  As far as sympathy, you have to understand one thing in my opinion about those of us in recovery: 

We share a BOND that was forged in pain, struggle, and eventually redemption.  We are in recovery because we have shared experiences, and have all come to the realization that we are ALL powerless against it.  

I learned a long time ago, that the addict within me will do anything to survive, and I suffered from delusions about the reality of my situation.   AA helped me realize that I have to "live life on life's terms".  

I am a Buddhist, I have been through AA and Rational Recovery, as well as finding myself in a court ordered rehab facility as well as jail.  Some of us come to recovery unwillingly at first, but we get there.  

One of the most basic tenets of dharma is the idea that all persons are seeking the end of suffering. Indeed, we could expand that further: every object and being is also seeking such peace. It is one of the perversities of human nature that we seem to have an innate understanding of what can bring us this peace, but we seek other means as more immediately (if fleetingly) gratifying. This is not to say that any of these pursuits is inherently wrong, mind you. Each of them, in the right person, can be quite useful and a source of joy. Even alcohol is, for most people, a source of relaxation and comfort. But when we make of these a compulsive seeking of the end of suffering, they become addictive because they can never bring us to such a state, except perhaps in memory or in short spurts, which causes us to seek to recreate these states over and over again, with the vain hope that they will become permanent through some alchemy in which we have a faith that is not supported by any available evidence.

Lynn,

  There is a little silver lining in this story. Sure, you lost your van. But in spite of everything, you didn't drive. Imagine how that might have turned out! I can tell, "Dude, where's my car?" stories for hours on end. How I managed not to kill someone or myself during all of those years is truly mind boggling.

   Now, reset your sobriety date and get back to living your life as a sober person. There wil be drama, but I promise the "face palm" moments will be fewer and far between!

I think the best one for me was the "Where did that park bench come from?" that was actually attached to the bumper of my car I somehow managed to bring home with me.  

   Anyone else got a I can't believe I actually did that  stupid car trick to share?

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I crashed my car into my other car, which was also moving yet driverless at the time.

That was a tough one to explain to the insurance guy ...

I was on my way home drunk one night...put my car in the ditch..I didn't care...I got out, and walked home.  I left it running, and in gear!!

The cops came a knocking a few hours later, towed my car to the impound lot.  The next day I woke up and went and got my car.  $500 later I had my car.  The first place I drove?  The bar.

Thankfully, my mom came and picked me up later that evening.

We all have stories that we are not proud of.  I am working on one that I can be proud of, day by day..

o_O that is remarkably close to what happened ... we must have similar drunk brain (except I drove car B to see if I could catch car A; I think that was a typo on your part).

It, uh, made sense at the time. M-hm.

This, I love.

Nobody here is laughing, I can guarantee you that.

Keep your head up darling, start over.  Get to a meeting.  Talk to your husband.

Believe it or not, up until around 35 I had never in my life been in a auto accident of any kind. Driver or passenger. My first was when a guy plowed into the rear of me sitting at a stop light. He could not even stand up to do the field test. I was waiting to turn into my meeting.

Hey all. Navigating around the site and stumbled onto the thread. Been alcohol free for three years. Quit cold turkey. My reasons: 1. Become a better dad. Duh. 2. Be fit. Seems ok. 3. To find out if all the weirdness in my life (work, home) was alcohol related. It wasn't. Everyone is nuts at work (and home).

Wishing you all the strength to find sobriety and to continue with it. At my worst I was drinking from wake up to bed time. Driving, working, parenting. I'm ashamed of some of the things I did. One day, passed out on my couch while "watching" my two little kids, my young daughter walked up to me and gave me a big smile and a hug. I quit the next day.

The social aspect of sobriety is the most awkward, especially when I see people who don't know I don't drink anymore. I had a lot of practice being the outsider when I was vegetarian, but I wasn't waking up and pouring myself veggie drinks. Now I'm addicted to fitness, which is a common trend among alcoholics I hear.

Good luck. Thanks for the thread. I'm def going to post here often. 

Welcome!  I am so glad that this thread is here!

Kind of a crazy story...

Last night I went to my Monday meeting, and walked in one of my best friends.  I didn't say anything to her, but she got up and told her story, about how she had got a DUI on Sunday..at 10am and didn't remember a thing.  She knew then it was time to quit.  After she was done, I got up and told my story again, but I wanted her to here it, and make sure she knew she wasn't alone.  

She was pretty emotional, and we went out for a walk after to talk.

It was a good night.

So here's the thing. I've never considered going an AA meeting. I feel really embarrassed to go, but perhaps it;s just what I need?  Where does one start, can my husband tag along? I'd like to see what goes on and what people talk about. I worry about my emotion state at the moment.  To me there's nothing worse than crying in front of complete strangers. I'm more than willing to give it a try if someone could point me in the right direction.

On a good note, I found my lululemon jacket. I decided to suck it up, call the bar and lo and behold someone handed it in. Phew. $98 and it was a gift. So happy I found it...it's a bit sentimental to me.

I had a lovely bike ride last night. Must have been at least 80 by the time I hit the trail. I was pulling some big guy behind on the way back to my car. I rode fast, sweated tons and did lots of soul searching. Made some decisions too, mostly ways to help me deal with my Dad passing.  It'll take time but I'm feeling really positive today :D

I would just go.  The hardest part will be walking through the door.  Once you do that, I guarantee you that people will welcome you with open arms.  They've all walked through that door for the first time, and they are all there for the same reason.

Most meetings I've been to also have a "Newcomers" meeting.  You start the meeting with a reading, then break into small groups.  one of these groups will specifically be for new people.  

I hope you go, and I hope you tell us about it.  Even if you don't think you want to (Which was totally me), I think You'll find out that it's not so bad and soon enough you will realize that your story and your decision to do something about it will help the next new person..

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power.
                 They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of
                 overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love."  Washington Irving.

Lynne, I am not an alcoholic, but I have been through the 12 steps for abuse and went to many AA and NA meetings with friends.  I have been to meetings where people got up to speak, and all they could do was cry.  In fact, I have been that person.  Sometimes, that was all I needed--people to be witness to my 'overwhelming grief and deep contrition'.  I will let others chime in more on meetings, but you are not required to speak.  You can just go and find out what it is all about.

I'm glad you are feeling positive today; hang in there.

I'm pretty sure, Seattle being a major area, you can look meetings up online. Unless the meeting says "Closed" (meaning alcoholics only) anyone, including your husband, is welcome to attend. By the way crying is fairly common in meetings--and that's just the oldtimers, with newer ones it's practically a given . Also, most areas have an Alcoholics Anonymous Central Office, or a phone number that you can call (also look-up-able on line or even through Information or Yellow Pages) for more information or if you'd like to speak to a real human before you go to a meeting.

Amazing how things in our lives happen.  Glad you had a good night!  

Triathlynne, 

I know how you feel, and the hardest part IS walking in the door, but once you go, you will realize that we are all there for the same reason.  I have never felt judged, even though some of us *ahem* (me) were in a far worse place than others.  It doesn't matter how you got there, it just matters that you are there.  

I think it is great that you have a support system in your husband.  I went as a court order.  Not exactly the way I was planning, and I went in angry and feeling pushed into it.  I came out of that first meeting with the realization that I was at rock bottom, and something clicked.  I never spoke, I never introduced myself or interacted.  I sat and listened.  I felt for the first time that I was not alone. Although our journeys to AA are all different, they ended one chapter of our lives, and are opening another for us.