Ghoulies are getting stronger hearts, bodies, and minds in January! (Page 16)

givemashot - 2011-01-11 12:06 PM Ok Gouhlies, I need some motherly advice.

I busted my 14 year old in a lie yesterday. She goes to a magnet school about 6 miles from our house. They supply a bus that takes the kids to/from a drop-off point, which just so happens to be my son's school. My daughter will occasionally call and say that she has to stay after school for a test retake, or make up a missed quiz, or have a short dance rehearsal. It bothers me when she calls as the bus is leaving the school, and when it's a rehearsal or something that she should have known about in advance. And I know she's not as innocent as she would have me believe. So, yesterday, she calls, "I have dance rehearsal, pick me up at 4:30. No, wait, 4:15". Easy enough, right? Hmm. Except I got there at 4:00, and found her walking towards the school, about a block away. Busted. She claimed that one of the dancers had to leave (or the high schooler who is doing the choreography), so they got out early. But she had enough time to walk a half mile with a friend. In 20 degree weather. Without a coat. Oh, and she didn't call me because she lost her phone (which she just got for Christmas), and apparently she knows no one else at the school, and is not able to walk into the office and use their phone . I emailed her dance teacher. They did not have rehearsal. They don't start their FIRST after school rehearsal for another 2 weeks. Now what do I do? My knee jerk reaction is to take away all interent connections at home (which she'll then just use the school library), and not give her phone back to her when/if we find it (the account is already frozen, just in case), insist on her riding the bus to and from school every day. Period. Unless she has a signed teacher's note saying what time she was with them after school. But I really want to trust her. I want her to feel trusted. And most of all, I want her to feel like she doesn't have to hide things from us. 
What should I do?

ceilidh - 2011-01-11 12:20 PM

DO NOT LET her get away with a lie. You have to make it plain that lying has penalties and one of them is that people will not trust you. Trust has to be earned. How she can do to earn trust is up to you but you need to make sure there are hard and fast rules about what is acceptable and lying is obviously not one of them with you. 14 year olds will push each and every line you draw with them. But they will remember that you did draw them.

ironannekidd - 2011-01-11 11:30 AM

Yeah, I agree with Robin. I know it sounds harsh, but I would do the things you mentioned. You gave her your trust the first time, now she has to earn it back. She won't like it, and she won't like you, but she doesn't have to. It's your to raise her to be the best person she can be and letting her get away with this isn't going to do it.

kns57 - 2011-01-11 2:16 PM

I'm with Robin and Anne.  Your daughter needs to learn that she can lose your trust and respect for her.  She needs to earn these back.  Don't make it impossible, but there need to be consequences or else she will not learn.  My daughter forged my signature on a note for school and she got busted.  She was grounded for two weeks.  That was the last time she forged my signature (and got caught).

ironannekidd - 2011-01-11 1:20 PM

I forged my dad's name when I was in H.S. all the time. His handwriting is sloppy, like mine.

ironannekidd - 2011-01-11 12:52 PM

I got away with a lot of stuff that I did do. I also got blamed for a lot of things that I didn't do. I flew by the seat of my pants, did the opposite of everyone else, and didn't back down to anyone. Those were the days.