Becoming Sober (Page 18)

Triathlynne - 2012-06-10 10:46 AM My 1st dry weekend in over a month. Feel pretty damn good about myself right now. My mood feels great, I'm motivated and I'm feeling happy and ready to take on next week. . I must remember weekends like this and remind myself of how amazing I'll feel both physically and mentally. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

That will pass, just like everything else. Just like staying clean from the pain of using... it will pass. When it does, you need a reason why you are doing it. If I want what others have, I need to do what they did to get it. What are you willing to do?

I'm only trying to help. We all do what ever we need to not go back. I personally would not do what I do if I didn't NEED to. I do not do anything with out a pay off. But the point of recovery isn't to not make mistakes... it is not to keep making the same one over and over. You have said how happy you were before... but that was not enough. I do not know you well enough to suggest what you need, but the obvious answer would be more than that.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just offing a suggestion. All I can tell anyone is what I have seen work for countless others, and what I have seen not work for countless others. You are free to do what you want with it.

If you feel great, enjoy it... it will pass. If you feel bad, don't worry... it will pass. If your sobriety is based on how you feel... it will pass.

And I hope you have a great week. (HUG)

I think part of the answer is in your words ... you didn't feel fantastic the whole time you were sober (nobody does) ... you said it yourself: "I felt miserable when my dad passed away and used that as an excuse to drink again."

Life being life, things will happen that are painful, difficult, and we will sometimes feel terrible. So if you base your sobriety on feeling good, and a terrible event or feeling comes along (as it most certainly will) ... bang. Sobriety gone.

So that leaves the question: what will you base your sobriety on?

Not allowing myself to let miserable overcome happiness, no matter what. I'm working on that right now.

The whole reason we get clean... sorry.. I 'm tired of tip toeing around a word... I'm clean from all mind and mood altering drugs, there is only one disease.... anyway, we get clean because we are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Of course you are supposed to acknowledge you feel good... hell, be grateful for it even. I do. But feelings come and go like the wind. A true "feeling" is momentary... I am glad I am clean. I am grateful I am, I choose to be so, because I have lived both ways and decided this one was better... but those are thoughts not feelings. Right this very second I "feel" rushed because I am late for my bike ride. I may feel a little regret for not going earlier... ask me 5 minutes from now how I feel and it will probably be different.

People die. I'm very sorry for your loss and that is a serious punch in the gut for anyone... I can't tell you right now if my wife died I would stay clean... but what I know for a fact is if I work my program I will stay clean with, or with out my wife... because I have watched others walk through the same thing clean and they stayed clean because they worked through it. I know I can stay clean no matter what with my program.

I have put a lot of work into staying clean, and I have put a lot of things between me and using... just like I put a lot of work and things around me to keep me loaded. That lifestyle required work from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. If I want to keep the way of life I have now... it requires work. If you want your great feeling to last... work for it.

This is an Internet forum and not how I do recovery. You may think this is a debate or some opinionated jerk on line spouting off.. I assure you I'm not and this is a poor medium to do this sort of stuff... but I am only trying to help. When people's lives are at stake... the one thing I promise you is I will always give the truth. You are free to accept it or deny it. I hope you can find some peace. I hope you get connected with some women that can help you face to face. I hope you can get connected with some people face to face that have gone through the loss of a loved one clean so you can move forward. I hope you get everything the God of your understanding wants for you. Peace.

I heard something yesterday that's worth repeating...  A guy I know only through AA meetings has become somewhat of a friend on the meeting nights.  Well, he got his one year medallion, then went and relapsed over the weekend.  He had to stand-up at the Tuesday meeting and introduce himself with 2 days sober.  after the meeting, we were talking with some people and he was full of embarrassment, anxiety, he was very ashamed and kept using the word stupid.  A guy looked him in the eye and said, "We don't think you're stupid, we think you're an alcoholic".

So, If you ever do go to a meeting, and find the people very inviting and accepting just remember why they are all there, and if you stumble, go back, they will still be there for you..

So I posted in the depression thread, but I think it applies here right now too.  For those of you who don't know, my middle child 4 is diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, Autism, and Speech Apraxia, among other things.  Her behavior and symptoms over the last month have gotten worse.  

She has become prone to stemming behavior (flapping hands), and self injury has become daily (she bags her head on whatever she can do the most damage on).  She has become aggressive and cries all the time instead of using her words (few as they may be).  

You name a therapist, and we have seen it.  Her behavioral pediatrician has told me that symptoms do increase as children get older, but every child is different.  

About this time is when I started having the relapse dreams.  I am crying all the time, can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, and look like some completely disheveled crazy lady.  I do suffer from depression, that's a given, I am an addict, so I know this adds to the issue.  I have developed anxiety attacks from my own medication problems over the past few months, so this only adds to the problem at hand.  

I don't eat anymore, I live off coffee and xanax literally.  I know that is not good, but my strength and smile are just gone.  I know in my heart that I need to pick myself up out of this pity party, but I am more afraid that the stress is going to get to me.  

I keep remembering myself as the drunk and drug fueled girl, mascara running, cigarette in hand, throwing up anywhere, and driving around with my fair share of accidents.  

I am literally 3 days away from 9 years sober.  I just don't want my mind to get the better of me.  As I said in another forum, it feels good just to write it out so that it becomes real to me.  

Thanks for listening...

I'm not going to go back to the beginning... I can't recall what kind of program you have. This is not MY thread or my program, and I realize many people do many things. I HONESTLY think that if what ever you are doing is working (even if it is something I would not) then keep doing it. I would. Why would anyone do different?

So my point is obviously you have nearly made it 9... so it's working... but if life is throwing you more than what your program can take... then you need more of something. If you have strayed from meetings, go to more... if you are too busy for service... get a position. Do you have a sponsor, work steps, know others with similar stuff...? Where is your support?

Usually I do fine when I do my work. When I take care of my program and I'm on firm ground... everything else get's taken care of. Then something happens, "I" have to fix it, then I want something else, then this is wrong then... there "I" am running around trying to put out all the fires... and I have no program, and I have isolated myself from my support. Most importantly I took control again I have no HP and no surrender. I stop, get back with my HP, get back to the basics, get things back in their proper order, and things go much better.

You and your hubby are certainly high functioning, you have a lot going on. You have done a lot of work and sought a lot of help... but you can't forget about you. If you do not take care of you.. you can't take care of anyone else. Your dreams are not punishments or torture... they are guidance, they are giving you a glimpse of what happens when you do not take care of you. ... "but with a clear mind, we can do this way of life" .

I can't tell you the number of people I have seen go out from pills... in my world... if it gets you off it is not OK. One disease, one program. I get a lot of freedom from that. Xanax is not the answer. It might be for others, but it certainly isn't for my head, if I put it in me, and it makes me feel better, it flips a switch... and then 2 will be better, then why not this, then I know what will do the trick. Alcohol was just the bullet I chose to load the gun with, but I will do any substance in front of me additively and once it is in me, I loose my choice.

Take a big breath, get things in order, lean on others for support. You are doing everything you can for your girl. Don't forget about you... that too helps your girl. Your girl needs others to help her... and you are no different. Find help in others. I will be congratulating you in 3 days on your huge accomplishment! No fronts...

I work NA and AA.  When I started, I would only admit to the AA part of my recovery.  I will not sugar coat my recover, since you have been so open and up front with me, I will lay it out.  

During AA, I was still self medicating with street drugs because of undiagnosed bi-polar disorder.  I refused to give up what I thought was getting me through day to day.  I wasn't looking at it as an escape, but that it was making me functional.  Yeah, the mind of an addict, right?!  I didn't even take my court appointed NA meetings seriously at the time, and even made other "connections", believe it or not.  Pathetic, yes.  Rational, No.  

My husband came into my life at this time, and this is when I realized that I had a real chance at working out my problems.  He was stable, in the military, and gave me the courage to actually accept my problem, and that I was worth recovery.  I started taking the program seriously, and I acknowledge him as one of the guiding factors in my process of getting clean.  

After finally being officially diagnosed, I was put on antidepressants.  I went through a back injury which in turn caused me some nervous system damage and a trip to the ER.  After that I have now been plagued by anxiety attacks I was given the lowest dose of xanax.  It seemed a viable option than the trip to the ER every time they happened.  

I do have a sponsor for NA and AA still that I keep in touch with.  I hold myself accountable to them everyday with the xanax.  I definitely do NOT want to go down that road again, and my psychiatrist is fully aware of my past.  

I will definitely keep trying, go back to the basics, and remember that while I am struggling, there are others out there who truly understand what I go through.  

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for the strength and guidance you all offer.  I will be proud to tell you I will have my 9 years in 3 days!!! 

Well then, it seems you are doing your foot work. You have taken your due dilligence with meds, remain honest with your sponsor and yourself, continue to reach out for help, and seem to have some humility.... sounds like you are doing everything right. The program never promised us immunity from life, just a way to deal with it.

I'm not in your shoes, so I don't have a lot of experience with what you are going through. I have no idea how I would react to a serious curve ball, medical/mental issues, or problems with my loved ones. I have seen others struggle with chronic pain, I have sought help outside the fellowship at times, I was with my wife when we put her son into the "system"... that was a heart wrenching decision and it really tore her up. Things can get rough at times. But I was never alone, and I never have to be again.

GIVE YOUR SELF A BREAK. Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can with what you have and where you are at. That is all any of us can do. Some days are better than others.  Stick close to your HP and your sponsor. Lean on others when you need to.... and get something really awesome for your B-day cake!!!

Honesty, Openmidedness, and Willingness... with these we are well on our way. Don't forget how. (HUG)

I think TriAya's question is a very good one. You will have days you feel miserable, even sober. Those are the days that will put sobriety at risk. As I often tell patients, you might not be able to make things better, but you can always make them worse. Sometimes, the best choice you have is to just not make things worse. 

On those miserable days, when you have a serious case of the "f***-its", you will be tempted to drink. If you can hold on to the idea that "nothing is so bad that a drink won't make it worse", it might help make the choice to not make it worse.

Thanks everyone!  I made it!  Somewhere in the last few days I have remembered what is truly important and every reason I have for my sobriety!  It feels great and got an email from my sponsor this  morning!  

A lot of you have given different advice over the past few days, and ALL of it is appreciated and always welcome.  Thank you my BT friends, you are all exceptional!!! 

Who brought the knife!!!

I too thought TriAya asked a critical question.  Gearboy, nice response.

Also, Ecozenmama gave a great running commentary on what it's like living sober when there is no happiness ANYWHERE in the picture.  This truly does seem to be where the rubber hits the road for sobriety.  I do so love:  "Life is never so &^%$! crappy that drinking won't make it worse."

Please hang tough my friends.  I do so need folks like you in the world.

Bump...

I got my sponsor interested in doing a triathlon...  Woo!!   not drinking is awesome....

As others have mentioned, this is a great thread and good on you folks for working hard at getting better - with my apologies for the upcoming derail.  As a dad, this one is tough to read, but thank you for sharing.  Good thoughts to you and your family.

Just checking in here!

Hope you're all doing well.  Yes, I am still sober.

I have however, quit going to meetings.  I still talk to my sponsor daily, he is now more of a friend/training buddy now though. 

I just keep putting my sober head to bed at night, that's my only goal.

Thank you, I have always appreciated your posts and your sarcasm and sense of humor are one of the reasons I love this forum.  I have my moments, but she was brought into our lives for a reason, and as trying as the process might be, she is absolutely beautiful to me the way she is.  We will grow together, and I can't ask for anything more than that.  

On an up note Tyler, YEAH for still being on your path!  Just having your sponsor train with you is cool, and if you feel like a meeting go, but I am proud of you for just taking it one moment at a time!  I hope everyone else is doing great, as I have refocused and my 9 year mark was a renewal for me in many respects!  

Fourth of July at the park is always a good time:

DUDE: Dude, you didn't bring any beer to the fireworks?

ME: It's OK, I'm driving.

DUDE: It's OK, I'll hook you up.

ME: Thanks anyway, I'm cool.

DUDE: No, here you go dude.

ME: No, thanks though, but there are a lot of cops on the roads tonight.

DUDE: C'mon, you can have a few and still drive.

ME: Yeah, maybe I'll find you later, I got to go meet up with my cousins.

My wife was laughing the whole time at Dude's persistence. Dude was very confused and I think insulted by my refusal. I think he would have felt the same way if I ended up drinking all his beers. The only other time I had someone this confused is when I WAS drinking and refused a free Jaegerbomb at the bar (Jaeger = yum/ Redbull = yuck)

Hope you all had a safe and sober holiday.

ebshot - 2012-07-05 7:18 AM I made it through the 4th w/o a drink!  Feeling good.

I was thinking about you, hoping to see a post like this.

Keep at it.  It continues to get better.

Better better better!