Wait, what? Training for tri's is in the same category as cheating and porn? (Page 3)

Ah that makes more sense.  Then again I don't do one and I rarely do the other so I guess I am golden.

Hey.. out of context quote foul!!!! I said reading is better for your brain than gaming. I know there are differentiated opinions of thought about that, but I'm in the not crazy about online gaming camp. (due to personal subjective experience)

I was mostly addressing the OP's link to a desperate letter a wife wrote about being upset at her husband gaming for hours every day and the suggestion that she should try "gaming" with him. 

I'm guessing that if she liked that activity, she would have been doing that with him.. and therefor would not have written a letter to Slate. 

I am struck through your postings how it sounds like YOU come up with ideas that SHE should then agree to. Have you asked her what you should do together? Or simply joined her in her activities? What did you do together before you were married?

I do a lot of things that mrs gearboy has no interest in - over the years (nearly 30 of them at this point), that's included things like tri's, SCUBA diving, rock climbing, motocycling, playing pool, and assorted other hobbies. She's done things I have no interest in. And then there are the things that bring along to one another - I've identified movies I thought we would enjoy together, she's identified books that I liked, I've taken her on a a few biking vacations, she's taking me on a reading vacation, etc. In fact, our best vacations were diving in Bonaire, because she could sit on the beach and read all day, I got to dive all day, and we got together for meals and sight seeing in between.

If I invited mrs gearboy to run a half with me and then make it a "mini-vacation", she would take a pass. If I invite her to go on a vacation and to spend a little of that time cheering me on, or being my photographer, she will (and has). I think the key is to figure out how to meet the interests of the other person, not to get them to share the interests you have.If both people are doing the second thing, no one is giving an inch. If both are doing the first, both are moving towards each other. (Ironically, one of my hobbies over the years has been quilting - which I started doing when we had a friend who was doing it, and my wife decided to try. She asked me to help and I did, though I didn't think I would enjoy it. A month later, she decided it wasn't fun and stopped, while I found it relaxing and continued!)

The couple the OP is referring to are newlyweds. You lived separate lives when you were first married? You didn't spend time together? My husband and I were inseparable for at least  our first 3 or 4 years.  The idea that we'd get married and then be like.. "ok see you", sounds ridiculous to me. 

And again, they are not BOTH happy with the current "arrangement" Separate life marriages only work when both spouses are on board with that. I'd like to take some vacations alone, but my husband prefers that we all go together. He doesn't like to be left behind. So do I hurt my husband by saying.. "tough luck" and just go? No. I love my husband, so.. I've forgone that idea and we travel together. 

4 hours a night of any video game adds up to over 30 hours of gaming in a week, another full time job. For ANYONE with a family that means you are neglecting either your spouse or your kids, prolly both. Are you doing your fair share of chores? A lot of online games tether you that way though.. so hard to put down. "Just one more level", 5 more minutes.... two hours later...

If my husband did that on a regular basis, I'd  harbor some major resentment.

The first year we were married, we were in med school. Mrs gearboy got in at the last minute (literally just a month or two before we got married) at a school 2 hours from were I was going to be going. We spent the first two years basically just seeing each other on weekends, and then spending most of that time studying or working. We had our daughter at the beginning of our 3rd year, and spent half that year on opposite call schedules working on-call every 3rd night for at least 6-8 months. 

Now, I know that is a very atypical situation for most couples, even those in med school. But the point is that we knew what to expect from each other going into the marriage, based in part on how we spent our time before the marriage.

The OP in the column admits they only knew each other for a few months before getting married, but surely even with that much time, she had some idea how much of his free time was spent with her and how much without.

When we started dating we went to bars and nightclubs and partied like fools.  All she's into now is basically shopping and gardening.  And I get sucked into the gardening because she can't move the heavy stuff around or dig big holes.  And the other women in her family refuse to go shopping with her, so I'm sure as he** not.  She's nuts in a mall.

But even in the "supportive spouse" role, she doesn't want to do more than the absolute bare minimum.  My last race she dropped me off at the start, went to her Aunt's house, and picked me up at the finish.  I couldn't imagine her running a marathon and me not finding her 4-5-6 times on the course to cheer her on.

As someone who plays video games - I can add that it all depends on what type of game as to the stimulation, problems, and issues. Someone playing an MMO game for 2-3 hours a night could be a serious problem because you almost have to completely zone out there no matter what part of the game you are participating in. I have not jumped into any xbox live/PSN games so I do not know about those. For myself I will play games on the weekend only (typically) for 3-4 hours on Saturday and maybe 1-2 on Sunday. This is a big cutback for me but I had to look at what I was doing, what time was available, and how I wanted to spend it. This is how it ended up.

Training for an IM or any long distance event does take time and dedication (and someone who will put up with the smell of stinky workout clothes in the laundry room) but overall is worth it I think compared to video games. In many ways my wife and I do not have a lot of hobbies in common. She likes her arts and crafts, I like my fishing and video games. Often times she will be watching a TV show while I sit on the couch next to her and read.

I think, going back to the OP, the biggest issue that couple has in the article is that they are not communicating or understanding each other very well. a relationship that is not built on solid communication will run into trouble no matter what the activities involved are.

I'm not even sure how that relates to the OP in the column. I'm not even quite sure of the point you are trying to make. In your own personal situation GB, during the first few years of your marriage,  you and your spouse were doing your academics and preparing for your careers. But the precious free time you could spend with each other, it sounds like you did.

The Slate poster's argument is that her husband "HID" his gaming from her. And now that they have a child, he is still online gaming every night. And he can't even succeed in cutting back when he actively makes an effort too.. That's indicative of a problem in and of itself. 

She has valid reason for concern. 

I would run away from that so fast it'd make your head spin.....and when I was done running I'd be even further away from my wife, who would have took off running in the other direction.

And, for the record, we don't have "separate lives".......we make every decision about our family together, we share every chore, we help each other whenever asked....I can absolutely count on my wife for anything, as she can with me,  after over 20 years she is still the person I trust most in the world.  BUT....I have no idea how much money she has in the bank, or what she spends it on.  I don't know where she goes with her friends most of the time, or even what she does at work all day.  I don't ever feel the need to know that.....and truthfully, I don't care, it's her business.  When I go out to Tahoe this fall to do my ironman she won't be going.....I don't want her there....it's a very personal thing to me and I don't want to share it.  She's perfectly fine with that and understands completely.

I think where the OP and others fall off the page is expecting their significant other to be what they want them to be.  I just want mine to be herself.....I can take care of me.  My wife feels the same.

Put simply, we are much greater than "husband and wife".......we are family.

I think your situation - or definition of "family" - is vastly different than most.

To each their own.
 

I doubt my kids think so.....nor do their friends who spend countless hours at our house.  Actually, from what I hear from other kids, the only way we are different is that we almost never argue, and we spend a great deal of time with our children.

Now, I would agree that our definition of a happy marriage may be VASTLY different than most.......and from what I've seen........thankfully.  

Seems to me there are an awful lot of "we" in the bold statements, which leads me to believe that you are not as separated as you might want us to believe! Just say'n..

Ia m happy you are happy in your marriage!

I get that LB. You are in a mutually happy relationship and that's great.

I agree with you though, she isn't going to be able to change the situation. He will keep gaming and her kid will be looking at the back of his/her head a few hours a night while he games or at least the wife will. The wife will adapt, or become another divorce statistic. 

As I've said......we share a great deal of interest in our children.....even though we frequently go in different directions because they have very different interests.....at least one of them anyway. 

I think I've done a pretty decent job of explaining our relationship......I suppose you can call it whatever you want, or whatever you believe.  As you say,  it's a happy existence from my view.  

Eh....he COULD change.....but she won't change him, that's my only point. 

Both sides are severely lacking in communication in their relationship I am guessing.

I used to be one of those zone-out gamers and it is very, very addicting. Pixels on the screen come to have real value to you because of the time invested to get it. I'm talking four, five, six hours a day or even all day Saturdays were spent online killing monsters talking to people halfway across the world. After about a year I had to take a step back, I realized it wasn't healthy, and quit cold turkey. I miss it a lot sometimes, because reflexes, challenges, strategy, the cooperation and grouping with people you don't know all tie together in games like World of Warcraft to make it addicting; but I'm SO much happier and healthier getting out to see the sunshine. That type of social seclusion is very unhealthy.

Porn kills marriages. Cheating does too. They're both vices that pull you away from your partner and they feed and feed lust that will never be satisfied, they damage trust and spark jealousy. Even when you're single, porn is still a horrible thing. There is no way that these two could be grouped together with simply activities that take "time away" from your significant other like video gaming or triathlon. Taking that many hours away from your husband/wife boyfriend/girlfriend can be unhealthy for the relationship. The good news with triathlon is that you at least get physical activity =P