'Memorable' Childhood Punishments (Page 3)

Yes, I agree about time and patience. I should have clarified that 1. I am a stay at home mom and 2. before that I was a preschool teacher for 13 years. Teaching children how to express their feelings and get along was my job. Not only that, I find it very interesting and sort of enjoy the challenge.  I did a lot of reading about positive discipline and was always looking for new ideas because what works for one student does not work for the other. But that was classroom, home is definately different. Why do they always start acting up when you've got something cooking on the stove?! 
Really I was just wanting to offer a different way to look at the situation.   

I was only hit once as a kid. I still remember what I did and where it was, and I totally deserved it.

Overall I was a pretty good kid/teen. My parents used the "I'm disappointed" line and that was usually enough.

We use time outs on my daughter, but they are becoming less effective. We offer lots of positive reinforcement for good behavior and loss of privileges is where we are heading with punishment. The most effective non traditional punishment we've used was just a couple weeks ago. My daughter loves drawing and other paper crafting type stuff. We let her use safety scissors on her own while coloring. She came into the living room the other day carrying a board game and asked to play. As she put it down we noticed a giant, gaping hole in her shirt. She admitted to cutting it when we asked. We always ask if bad behaviors are "good choices or bad choices." She knew it was bad. Her punishment, in addition to losing scissor privileges, was to throw her shirt in the trash. It was one of her favorite shirts. She went up to her room and cried for 5 minutes after we explained that it was gone for good since she cut it up. I actually felt bad, but I think she learned her lesson. It might not seem long but 5 minutes is a long time for her to cry.





Edited by graceful_dave 2010-11-30 11:45 PM

Interesting thread. I was spanked--but it wasn't often, usually deserved, and never abusive and for offenses I knew would reap that consequence. 
BUT
What was most memorable that worked well for me was Mom would have us memorize verses from Psalms or Proverbs that addressed the right way to act.  For example, I remember memorizing "A quiet answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger" after my sister and I had some sort of loud fight that was somehow, by one or both of us, started through mean words.  Mom would have us write it a certain number of times.  It not only took away "our" time but it also taught us the "correct" action.  I got it that many of you are not Christian or religious--but there are plenty of positive quotes out there by great people that address correct action.  Have them write it enough (and it had to be good penmanship too--so practice with that) and it will ingrain it in their heads, take away there time (punishment), and hopefully refocus future actions.

Unless you routinely ask her if her choices are good or bad, all that she is really demonstrating here is that she has learned how to respond to the "parent voice".  I illustrate this to my med students all the time by asking them what the correct answer is when I say to them (in a stern voice) "Do you think that was the right thing to do?". Even when there is no "thing" I am referring to, they universally know the correct answer is "No".  And if I follow up with the other parent classic "Why did you do it then?", they also give the common response of "I don't know", rather than "Wait, what are you talking about?".

Also, when parents tell me "time out doesn't work", I ask them what they think the time out is supposed to do.  It is meant to interupt a behavior, and give everyone a "cooling off" period (parents included - I always say t.o. is 50% for the parent).  When applied routinely, it will, in fact, interupt the behaviors, and then if there is an additional consequence, it can be decided when the parents are no longer upset.  If no other consequence is needed, everyone can just go about their day from that point forward.  Positive reinforcement is how you train to new behaviors. Otherwise, all you teach is how to avoid detection (and therefore punishment).

I feel the same way about this thread, sad that the overwhelming memorable punishments were physical and painful rather than creative.  I'm sorry your Dad celebrated your leaving, I have an almost 18 year old and cannot imagine feeling that way myself.

Good to see some good discussion about discipline, I agree it does take time and patience.  We work at expressing all our feelings and I've even told my children"Mommy is grumpy today".  I think it's important to recognize we all have bad/hard days.

Interesting points. I guess we don't ask all the time, but if we notice her making good choices we will point it out and tell her so. Does that work? Or should we be asking her if the choice was good or bad and then congratulating her because it was good?

I guess we use T.O. as a punishment itself. Izzy has always been good at letting us know when she needs a cooling off period. When she was younger, she'd put herself in the time out spot if she was upset with us for saying no to something. Now, if she is angry she is allowed, and will say "I need to go lay down" and she'll go lay in her bed until she is ready to talk. She'll usually come back to us in 5-10 minutes and we can calmly discuss whatever it was that caused the tension (usually us saying "no" to something she wanted). I'm constantly amazed and how mature she can be when she is upset with us. She just turned 4.

I was not punished, reprimanded, or disciplined as a child. This explains a lot! (Unfortunately that was paralleled by living in a very bizarre and often profoundly thunderous, definitely frightening household where other people suffered terrible consequences for their actions).

One time when I was pretty young my mom caught me smoking. My "punishment" was that I didn't get to go to the Madrigal Dinner show with her and my sister.

Aw. Too bad. Instead of listening to people droning on for hours Middle-Ages style, while eating rubber chicken, I had to stay home (unsupervised) and watch videos or do whatever the heck I wanted.

It actually might have worked well had I FELT excluded or unwanted (similarly to "I'm disappointed in you.") However, all I thought was "YIPPEE!"

I only recall being spanked once (almost) when I was a kid.  I was about 5 years old and before he spanked me, I told my dad I had to go to the bathroom.  I went into my room and put on every pair of underwear I owned as padding.  I guess he found it pretty funny since I ended up avoiding a spanking.  My usual punishment was phone restriction.  It was pretty effective - no fun not being able to have contact with your friends when you are a kid.        

That's great! 

If we were fighting, my mom would make us compliment each other back and forth.

Thank you tri-crazy and city sky... this thread too makes me very sad.

I am a believer in age-appropriate punishment and reward, including corporal punishment administered in a corrective way.  But there are so many examples in this thread where it was administered in a retaliatory and abusive way... designed to truly hurt (physically and emotionally) the child, not use a fleeting sting on a fleshy area to make a point to a child that is too young to be fully reasoned with.

I know it's cliche, but if my hand ever falls on my child's behind (I don't have children now) I hope that it hurts me more than it hurts them, but that I reluctantly feel obliged to do it for their ultimate good.  And I hope that it will have been administered in an environment that I have fostered and created independently of the moment of discipline where they understand why they are being punished and wha the goal of that punishment is.  That environment will be focused primarily on addressing heart issues, not behavior control.

But all the stories here have me almost converted to the "no spanking" camp because it seems that almost everyone who did receive physical punishment received it from an angry and out-of-control parent, not a parent seeking to lovingly correct a behavior that is ultimately bad for the child's well being.

I was never spanked and was pretty good, but I remember two punishments: 1) One time when I was being sassy, my mom picked out my outfit for the day and I had to wear it to school.  I was a very fashion-conscious teenager and that outfit was bad and I was horrified.  She said if I did that again, she would also choose my hairstyle.  Yikes!  #2) I once had to move rocks from one side of the backyard to the other, over and over again, for several days during the summer.  I never wanted to get into trouble again!

I love the brothers sitting on the front porch holding hands story! 

I know plenty of people that received spankings and were none the worse for it.  I received more spanking than I can count and I can only say a couple weren't deserved.  But I can say the same thing about groundings.  No matter how perfect of a parent you want to be, it isn't going to happen.  Not even close.  You (generalized you, not YOU specifically) will punish when they don't deserve it and you will miss opportunities to teach them.  It's as certain as death and taxes.  I can honestly say that there were some behaviors I shut off because I didn't want to get spanked and there were some I judge whether it was worth it or not.  I have to say too that it was ALWAYS worth getting grounded.  I didn't even consider that as a punishment.  If I wanted to do it, I'd do it, be honest about it, and take my punishment.  I just caught up on school work or read a book and I didn't mind chores so much.  I'd been doing the yard since I was 8 and the push mower weighed more than me.  So house work wasn't much of an issue either.  A very close friend of mine growing up was the exact same way, he was just grounded more because his parents tried to be more controlling.  It never made a bit of difference to him either.  For most of the people I know, corporeal punishment was not a traumatic experience for them.  They still have good relationships with their parents, they still have functional relationships with spouses, they have good careers and are generally very well adjusted.  However as a disclaimer, I don't actually know anyone who does not have a good relationship with their parents (this is probably luck of the draw).

My kids are 2,4,and 8.  I've found that time outs work very well (i always thought they were a load of bologna) and taking toys away.  Throwing them in the trash in front of them.  I have NEVER had to spank my daughter.  not even once.  she's just never garnered it.  My middle son VERY RARELY does anything that would justify it.  He responds fine to time outs.  It let's him reset, hear me and process the information.  But my youngest son is a carbon copy of me.  My family has said that he is more like me than I was at that age.  He doesn't respond to time-outs, he can't talk or understand complex sentences, so there just isn't much other option left.  So I guess my point is that it really depends on the child and what they respond to.  Some children respond great to conversations (like my daughter), some people don't (like my youngest son).

In my experience the overwhelming majority of people subjected to corporeal punishment (not abuse) turn out just fine.

^^^^great post jgaither.

I agree, spanking is not the terrible abuse that some make it out to be. As I mentioned earlier my dad paddled us but we always had it coming, and I love him dearly now and always have. My favote story on this topic was the only time I remember my dad switching any of us 4 boys. We lived on a small farm that had a few ponds. For obvious reasons, until we reached a certain age we were forbidden to approach the ponds. My brother ignored the rule and got switched all the way home. My dad was clearly just trying to teach him to stay away from the ponds for his safety. Needless to say, brother never drowned in the ponds.

Edited by zed707 2010-12-01 3:07 PM

I've said this before, but spanking is really saying you are out of ideas about how to parent.  Whatever point you turn to it, you are also telling your child that you are out of ideas.  Sure, not everyone who gets spanked found it traumatizing. And not every soldier or rape victim develops PTSD.  Doesn't make violence a good idea, especially when parenting.

If you really and truly believe that physical punishment can be administered "lovingly", would you ask your neighbor to apply the switch or the paddle or the belt or the hand to your child's rear end? After all, there is no chance (unless your child did something to the neighbor) that the neighbor will be acting in anger, only carrying out your "sentence" of the punishment. 

I agree with Gearboy 1000%.
I remember being in a waiting room witnessing a mother with poor coping skills...she grabbed her little toddler boy, and whapped him twice.  What was she saying while doing it?  "Don't hit your brother!"
Genius!

Memorable childhood punishment...I'm sure a lot of guys here can identify with my experience (being raised by a single, working mom).  Growth spurt hits, and all of a sudden, my 5' 2" mom has to try and discipline a 6' 3" boy.  Really?  I felt really bad when I toyed with her once.  She wanted to spank me, and I was like, this is really strange.  Why would I submit to a spanking?  That was ridiculous.  Just to be a dope, I slid a game board under my sweatpants and shirt and let her hit me.  The moment she hit the board I felt really bad for her.  I knew at that point there was nothing she could do.  Nothing.  I was probably well-behaved more out of guilt than anything else.


 

Interesting that you say the last part there about the neighbor.  As a child I was spanked by the neighbor on a few occasions.... and I fully deserved it.  I agree that it is an out of ideas sort of thing, but the "last resort" doesn't necessarily make it wrong.  It's still an option for a reason, because sometimes, that's the one that works. 

And I'm not talking about slaps in the face or whips across the back.  I'm referring to a couple of pops on the butt just hard enough to get their attention.

OK, and then when you have their attention, what is the message you are trying to send?  And why was hitting them the only way to get it?

I assume most people, even children, are smarter than my dogs.  When I want their attention, I never have to hit them.  I have lots of tricks to get them to attend to me, and to restrain their impulses.  It does sometimes require a high degree of attention on my part, depending on the situation (e.g. other distractions, or food in the area) and the particular dog I am working with, but I have never had to hit either one to get them to attend to me.  Not even a "pop" or a "swat". And at least 2 of my last 3 dogs were somewhat willful and "active" (as in "hyper even for a golden retriever").

Sorry, when I said getting their attention I didn't mean "hey look over here" get their attention, I meant "I told you not to do that, and I meant it" get there attention. There is a warning that precedes and a you did x, don't do that (reason explained) if you do it again y will happen. X will occur and y will then happen. Sorry I made that ambiguous.Anyway, sorry about the hijack.

So, by "getting their attention", what you really meant to say was "punish for unwanted behaviors". 

When my daughters were young, the older one had a bit of a stubborn streak (I have no idea where she got it from).  I would tell her not to do something, and she would continue the behavior.  I would then remove her from the situation, and if the behavior warranted more, I would consequence her with some immediate loss.  Maybe it was access to toys that she had not cleaned up; or an early bedtime. If I could, I tried to tie the consequence in some logical fashion to the behaviors.  It took more creativity than a "pop on the rear", but it also meant I never struck my kids.  And she did eventually learn to take me seriously when I used a serious tone.

In other words, as I said before, hitting means you've run out of other ideas.

A friend of mine has the child apologize to anyone effected by their actions and then so it isn't just lip service asks them how they are going to make that person whole again and breaks is down.  Did you waste their time, hurt their feelings and how do you make it right again and make them the person they were before your actions.  Actually makes you stop and think.

Another friend had a kid misbehave in school so he sat in class with his son for a week.  That was the last time he acted up in school.

Funny how things like this develop.  This thread went from memorable punishments to basically telling parents that spank that they are not creative or intelligent enough to come up with something better.
I guess this type of off-topic stuff is what has taken the fun out of reading and posting here. At least for me.
And just to address the actual topic of this thread, I received no memorable punishments growing up. I was a decent kid and got spanked and grounded on occasion. Nothing major.

Edited by RacerRik 2010-12-02 2:46 AM

-Hitting children with belt/spoon/switch/shoe
-Forced to kneel in coffee/rice
-Whacking kids on the head with a hairbrush (to the point that they still flinch as an adult at the hairdresser)
-Eating soap
-Feeding children from the floor "like a dog"


Perhaps we just have different ideas about what makes a little "fun reading".

i'm not as anti-spanking as gearboy, but i agree that a lot of the posts you mentioned took the fun out of reading this thread.  they certainly made me uncomfortable and sad.

the opinions on spanking vs not...are interesting reading...not fun...but not upsetting.

gee, sorry RR.  However, I don't see this any different from other messages boards.  There is a thread in tri talk about pushing off the wall that has turned into 4-pages about flip-turns.  It happens.  Sometimes it can be fun...others, not so much.